sveltskye Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I made a friend online about a month ago. We hung out a couple times (could have been more except I happen to be incredibly busy and our schedules don't mesh perfectly). I was moderately interested in him at first and have become more interested as time went by and I've gotten to know him better. We have had extensive conversations online and by text and talk pretty much every day. Here's the thing: he is six months out of a divorce and has a young child. He has said things about not feeling ready to date to me so I was cautious about pressuring him or being very direct about my interest in him. He's told me that I'm awesome and amazing but I ended up having a conversation that made me think he wasn't interested (I felt like I was hinting enough that he'd say something if he was). The other day he started talking about a date he had planned and I felt kind of bad and was a tiny bit prickly with him, as I've been whenever us dating other people has come up. I felt bad so I told him the reason I was being bitchy was it was hard for me to hear about his dates after our previous conversation. He didn't really get I meant and asked me to be honest, so I came out with my interest directly and was surprised with his reply. He said that it wasn't that he wasn't interested, but basically he felt I had a lot ahead of me and deserved someone who didn't have so much baggage or a child and that his divorce had messed him up. And that he thought that I wasn't interested... He seems to think he's ruined or something. I know he's hurt and disillusioned from his marriage and he says that he isn't sure he'd want to get married again. I would like to be married in the future, but I think worrying about that seems to be jumping the gun a little. Anyways, I don't have a savior complex or a pattern of trying to "save" people in relationships. I don't feel like I'm pining away with the need to date him right this second, but I didn't want to be feeling hurt and upset by hearing about his dates either, so I'm glad I said something. But from what I've known of him I've been impressed with his qualities and he seems like a good guy. I'm just not sure what to think now. We're gonna discuss things further today... thoughts?
Disillusioned Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I'm working on getting rid of MY baggage. Just last night, I did some more cleaning and sorting in my work shed... threw out some stuff, sent some stuff into the storage shed in preparation for the big yard sale. God only knows how much trash and treasure I'll find in my garage and house when I start working on THEM. When I finish and have my sale, nobody will be able to accuse me of being a slob.
hardandy Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I'd be curious as to the ages.. My guess probably 20's, with him being older. I came out with my interest directly and was surprised with his reply. He said that it wasn't that he wasn't interested, but basically he felt I had a lot ahead of me and deserved someone who didn't have so much baggage or a child and that his divorce had messed him up. And that he thought that I wasn't interested... Since he's dating apparently his divorce didn't mess him up that bad. Also I don't like when people make decisions for others as to what is best for them, as he's doing here. That makes me think, maybe there's an age difference or that he's not attracted to you. Either way I'd let him know that your old enough to decide what is and isn't best for you. I know he's hurt and disillusioned from his marriage and he says that he isn't sure he'd want to get married again. I believe this 100%. Divorce is a huge pain in the a$$. I think anyone divorced really questions themselves if they wanna be married again.
mo mo Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 My philosophy is that if someone tells you directly to stay away, believe them. I have been in very similar situations and I almost got burnt badly by some people. I am sure he really likes you, but he just can't be in a serious relationship right now. That said, he probably still has a very strong sex drive so that is why he is looking to date someone else.
Nexus One Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 It doesn't make sense to say you don't deserve his baggage/he's not ready, while he's clearly dating other people at the same time...don't they also not deserve his baggage? I was thinking the same thing. But perhaps he's protecting her specifically, for whatever reason. IOW I guess he only wants to date on a very casual basis and knows that you would want much more than that. Which is pretty common for just-divorced people to do for some time, until they truly feel ready for something serious again. Common or not, the second she made her feelings clear to him he should start to respect her feelings, unless he really is not interested in ever having a relationship with her. It just seems hurtful to go screw people and put her, a serious potential lover, on hold. You can still have friendship, but if it's too hard to hear about his dates and such, then maybe not..perhaps it's something you two should discuss, or flat out tell him it's too hard to be his friend since you want different things. She'll be in limbo for the entire time unless he makes his current intentions AND future intentions fully clear to her.
Author sveltskye Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) We're supposed to discuss this more tonight. What should I ask him exactly? I did tell him if I was so smart (as he said I was smart and had a lot going for me) then I was smart enough to know who's "good enough" for me and make my own decisions. But of course I know I can't fight a decision that's already been made for me. I don't feel like we have to date, especially right now, but I didn't want him coming to me as the confidant about his dating life. We've confided in each other about our histories and insecurities about dating and I care about his feelings enough at this point if he feels he should date someone else I feel he should, I just don't want to hear about it that much. And btw, his upcoming date was the first one besides me (if our meetings were really dates, that is) Also, he's told me he's not out for a FWB or NSA, though I don't know how serious he feels he's really ready for. I'm ok being friends for a while, but now the cat's kind of out of the bag Oh, and we're four years apart, in mid and upper twenties Edited January 26, 2011 by sveltskye
Author sveltskye Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) Well, actually, in light of recent conversations, it seems he is, just doesn't feel ready to act on it. Unless he's feeding me lines. I talked with him about it a few times over the last couple days. He said he was worried by what I brought up and was worried I'd get hurt. He brought up something about this standard he's looking for (which he'd done before by saying he was looking for someone like X celebrity). It irritated me before when he said that, and I told him that he was all over the place but that he should shoot for the stars if that's what he wants and I didn't want to date someone who would feel like they were settling anyways. Then he said "You want the truth? I'm scared to date and I know I'm not ready but at the same I want to. I know with you it would probably be serious and I am scared to get hurt. We can take it slow but I can't promise anything." He said he went on the other date to get out of the house and be doing something. I told him that I wasn't trying to pressure him into anything and he said "really? I guess I felt pressured" and I said I'd been trying to tell him over and over that I didn't expect anything from him. Mostly I just wanted him to know that it bothered me the pattern we'd gotten into of being each other's confidants dating wise, because I actually care about him enough to feel like I could be interested at some point in time. Back when I brought it up I'd gotten the impression he was friendzoning me somehow looking for something unnattainable and I felt a little hurt. And I wanted to know how he felt about me potentially. But mostly I was just explaining why I was being prickly cause he'd asked me to be honest. Edited January 27, 2011 by sveltskye
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