blinded_27 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Hello ladies/gents. So since my last update, M (who is separated) and I were going to take some time apart from each other while he gets the separation papers signed. Just some background, him and her have been friends for probably 20 years, dated for 7, and married for only 6 months. After too much back and forth, he decided that he wanted to be with me, but wants to remain good friends with her. This has been troublesome for me as he had left me to go back to her too many times and I'm just not sure a friendship so quickly is a good idea. (Really, none of my business, I know, but he is the one who begged for me to take him back so it's only fair he understands my concerns). So to make me feel somewhat better about this before the actual divorce can happen (not until September), he agreed to get separation papers as a starting point. Tonight, he tells me she doesn't want to sign the papers. And he said,"okay". uhhhhhh Needless to say, after not being with him for over 2 weeks and hearing this made me sick to my stomach. I humiliated myself and cried like a baby in front of him. He said "it shouldn't matter, it's just a piece of paper and the divorce is happening anyway, with or without it". It was more than just a piece of paper to me though, and he knew it. It was supposed to show that he can make a promise and stick with it, and to show me he is for real this time. So 2 weeks apart for nothing. Just because "she said so". Among many other small slip ups and lies I've caught him in over the past few days, I finally asked him two questions that are crucial to me right now. I asked him if he will EVER be able to keep his promises to me. He said "I will try my best". I asked him if he will ever stand up and fight for us, and not let her dictate what he is going to do with his life. He said "Depending on what it is". I said neither of those answers were good enough for me and walked away, and he didn't even try to stop me. I am devastated. I know this isn't him wanting to go back to her. At least not right now I know they don't want to be together. But I am sad that he values their friendship more than a relationship (which he sacrificed his marriage for) with me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, that he "chose" me, and has accepted that the marriage will never work out (at least not right now), but he isn't doing anything to show it for me. He said, "isn't me just being with you enough"? I'm not sure it is.... after everything I went through with him. I know this week is going to be HELL. I NEED to at least have no contact with him for a few solid days. I have no support system here, they all live 5 hours away. So I'm debating on just taking some "sick days" starting tomorrow morning and driving home to be with the people who actually care about me. Risky right now as work is super busy, but I know I won't be productive at all, and I won't be able to make it through the day without texting him (if he doesn't text me first) like the pathetic loser I've been acting like for the last few months. I definitely need personal time. SIGH. Feels good to get that out. I'm much too ashamed to tell my family and friends now as I insisted to them THIS time he was for real, this time he is getting papers to SHOW me he's real. I can't embarrass myself in front of them anymore. YOU guys on the other hand..... Always super helpful and much appreciated, even if it's a good kick in the butt. Sorry this was so long!
Author blinded_27 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Hey LisaLee, She definitely has a hold over him, I know it's definitely guilt on his part and not the nature of the relationship. And I definitely feel lead on, even though he isn't "leaving" per se and I'm the one that just walked away tonight, he is still feeding me these "promises" that he can't even follow through on And I totally agree! I've been trying to make this exact point to him, doesn't our relationship trump their friendship? As for the financial situation, they are going to "save up" supposedly for this divorce, and one of the reasons she doesn't feel she needs to sign the separation agreement papers is because they don't really own anything together. They've only been married for 6 months so they have no property together or anything like that so they don't need to worry about who gets what. They've been living apart since October so they're just going to keep what they have with them now. They're doing this civilly because they are such good friends and all... I think that's what you meant by that question, I'm not much of an expert on this topic lol I am so sorry for you! It sounds like the BS is calling the shots between the two of them, but it also sounds like he values his friendship with her over any relationship with you. I once had a girl annoy me because she was so clingy with my boyfriend and when I brought it up to him he immediately offered to drop her as a friend. Just like that. Because our relationship trumps their friendship. I don't think your MM is getting that if he is going to be with you, you are the priority. Either way, it sounds like you will be on this roller coaster for quite a while. I have a question... considering their financial situation, and being so hard up they cannot even get a credit card, how is he planning on financing this divorce? It just seems more and more like he is leading you on.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Ouch, I can feel your pain in your post. Sorry that he did that to you. What a .... *you choose the word*! If she does have a hold on him, he's allowing it and obviously isn't strong enough to walk away. I don't like the way he's handled this and I definately don't like the way he answered your questions. Was that honest or was he avoiding as to not get himself in a place where he has to be committed to only you. Call a good friend. Those who know you best will be there and support you even though you thought that this time it would be different.
pureinheart Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Hello ladies/gents. So since my last update, M (who is separated) and I were going to take some time apart from each other while he gets the separation papers signed. Just some background, him and her have been friends for probably 20 years, dated for 7, and married for only 6 months. After too much back and forth, he decided that he wanted to be with me, but wants to remain good friends with her. This has been troublesome for me as he had left me to go back to her too many times and I'm just not sure a friendship so quickly is a good idea. (Really, none of my business, I know, but he is the one who begged for me to take him back so it's only fair he understands my concerns). So to make me feel somewhat better about this before the actual divorce can happen (not until September), he agreed to get separation papers as a starting point. Tonight, he tells me she doesn't want to sign the papers. And he said,"okay". uhhhhhh Needless to say, after not being with him for over 2 weeks and hearing this made me sick to my stomach. I humiliated myself and cried like a baby in front of him. He said "it shouldn't matter, it's just a piece of paper and the divorce is happening anyway, with or without it". It was more than just a piece of paper to me though, and he knew it. It was supposed to show that he can make a promise and stick with it, and to show me he is for real this time. So 2 weeks apart for nothing. Just because "she said so". Among many other small slip ups and lies I've caught him in over the past few days, I finally asked him two questions that are crucial to me right now. I asked him if he will EVER be able to keep his promises to me. He said "I will try my best". I asked him if he will ever stand up and fight for us, and not let her dictate what he is going to do with his life. He said "Depending on what it is". I said neither of those answers were good enough for me and walked away, and he didn't even try to stop me. I am devastated. I know this isn't him wanting to go back to her. At least not right now I know they don't want to be together. But I am sad that he values their friendship more than a relationship (which he sacrificed his marriage for) with me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, that he "chose" me, and has accepted that the marriage will never work out (at least not right now), but he isn't doing anything to show it for me. He said, "isn't me just being with you enough"? I'm not sure it is.... after everything I went through with him. I know this week is going to be HELL. I NEED to at least have no contact with him for a few solid days. I have no support system here, they all live 5 hours away. So I'm debating on just taking some "sick days" starting tomorrow morning and driving home to be with the people who actually care about me. Risky right now as work is super busy, but I know I won't be productive at all, and I won't be able to make it through the day without texting him (if he doesn't text me first) like the pathetic loser I've been acting like for the last few months. I definitely need personal time. SIGH. Feels good to get that out. I'm much too ashamed to tell my family and friends now as I insisted to them THIS time he was for real, this time he is getting papers to SHOW me he's real. I can't embarrass myself in front of them anymore. YOU guys on the other hand..... Always super helpful and much appreciated, even if it's a good kick in the butt. Sorry this was so long! Hi Blinded, You don't need a kick in the butt, and I wish this would quit being advocated as you need compassion...you've been kicked already according to what has happened to you. It sounds to me like you need to be numero uno, this is not a bad thing. I had to have it too and wasn't getting it so I bailed. You are setting the stage for the rest of your life, if you allow this to continue against your own will, as this is what I see you communicating, you are teaching him how to treat you. I think in your case you should stand your ground and take your power back...FOR YOU. I say this based on the second bold...this is your self talk.."pathetic loser"...what is that...you are not a pathetic loser...you are a human being! You are a viable part of this universe, without you, there would be much that would be different in many peoples lives.... Oh well, who cares what family and friends think. If they are really in YOUR corner then they will be there for you. I can't tell how many times my daughter and her H have split, D'ed...you name it. What I learned is to love her and help her, she'll be done when she is ready, things will happen in Gods time, not mine. I am really glad you are taking time for you! (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
siuys Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 hugs, blinded. sounds like he can't stand firm and a hard NC from you is in order. i believe only in actions (especially after what happened with my MM). if he is really going to get a D in september, well, good, let him get a D and get back to you when he is a free man. you have probably been far too accommodating, and taking him back too willingly. what has he got to lose? you'll always be there no matter what. set your boundaries now and let him sort out his crap i say.
woinlove Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 So sorry you are going through this, blinded. PIH said what I was thinking - that you are setting the stage for how he will treat you in the future. In fact, usually the treatment is at its best in the earlier stages of an R. So if he is acting like this now and you put up with it, it is very unlikely that he will change into someone who is more trustworthy and supportive of you. You can't make him change, but you don't have to put up with this behavior. You deserve to be treated better. I would recommend that you pull back and take care of yourself and, if he changes and comes through, then fine, but if not, you should let him go if you don't want to spend your life with someone you can't trust to be there for you. If you really feel that you can't risk losing him, then I hope you can at least focus more on yourself and make him a bit less important in your life, so that his behavior doesn't affect you as much.
Ellin Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Blinded, my 2 cents. It takes you nowhere trying to force a man into something - a R, a committment, big promises, ultimate declarations, and watching his every move with great tension and fear of any slip-up, ready to jump and start another confrontation. This is the impression I'm getting from your post. I might be wrong but if it is the case, this attitude doesn't make the R a nice place to be and it can drive him away. You need to offer him a place where he wants to be, not where he feels forced, like he does by his W. Maybe sometimes is not helpful to ask for "all or nothing" but if whatever he does for you is not enough, let go of it, but first of all let go of all the negative emotions - anger, frustration, entitlement, dissatisfaction. Life is too short for that. Try and see your R with him in a more positive light. Look at what is good in it, look at the nice things he has done for you, try to make a list and see if it's long and meaningful enough, then see what the end balance is, because it seems to me that your are focusing only on the bits you would like to be different. No R will ever be exactly the way we want it, down to the last detail. I also get the impression that you have self-doubts and need a lot of reassurance and constant confirmation that you are an absolute number one. If cannot be happy with what he can offer, or be more patient or willing to risk waiting and seeing, then walk away, but with grace and serenity. It looks to me like you keep cornering him and making both of you miserable. I'm not saying that it's all your fault or that nothing in his behavior is wrong, but you can only control your own thoughts, feelings and actions and this is the starting point of making a change in a situation you're not happy with. Getting upset about what he might or might not do and if it's going to be exactly what you want won't help. Really, I'm not blaming or criticising you. I just feel that you have worked yourself up to a point of huge tension and it would perhaps be good if you could relax and distance yourself from the whole thing before you take any steps or make any decisions.
TigerCub Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I'm soooooooooooooo sorry blinded I can only imagine how painful that is (I've never been so close to the open door with xMM) so I can only imagine what you're going through Tonight, he tells me she doesn't want to sign the papers. And he said,"okay". uhhhhhh Needless to say, after not being with him for over 2 weeks and hearing this made me sick to my stomach. I humiliated myself and cried like a baby in front of him. He said "it shouldn't matter, it's just a piece of paper and the divorce is happening anyway, with or without it". It was more than just a piece of paper to me though, and he knew it. Yes, he knew it, but maybe he really does figure that since its not needed for the divorce, why start a fight and hurt the "one he DIDN'T choose' any more? I think he just figured that you'd be happy enough with him just being with you, but I totally understand what you're saying, because you want this whole mess to be over with, and you hate that he's choosing her feelings over yours. I don't know this guy, but I think he was choosing the more practical solution 'by not starting a fight with the ex', since that paper isn't needed for the divorce. I asked him if he will EVER be able to keep his promises to me. He said "I will try my best". I asked him if he will ever stand up and fight for us, and not let her dictate what he is going to do with his life. He said "Depending on what it is". I said neither of those answers were good enough for me and walked away, and he didn't even try to stop me. You're right sweetie, those answers are not good enough. In a relationship, everyone wants to feel like their partner has their back no matter what and will fight for them and for the partnership. I agree with you, that is not good enough. I honestly don't have any suggestions on how you can get past this. I hope you do though. I hope that he will finally prove to you that you are more important than her, and that he will keep the promises that he makes to you. You've been through so much blinded. I think going to see your family is a good idea. Its always nice to have support around you when you're feeling down. Good luck ****HUGS****
Brokenlady Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Blinded, my 2 cents. It takes you nowhere trying to force a man into something - a R, a committment, big promises, ultimate declarations, and watching his every move with great tension and fear of any slip-up, ready to jump and start another confrontation. Forcing isn't going to work. And it's not very rewarding either -- it feels so much better when you're given something freely out of love. However, this guy has done NOTHING to make you feel secure. This isn't all about him. So I totally get why you're nervous. You need to offer him a place where he wants to be, not where he feels forced, like he does by his W. I disagree. He hasn't earned that yet. He has left and gone back to his wife before. Blinded has every reason to feel insecure, and if he cares about her, he'll be interested in doing things to make her feel secure. If he doesn't, it's better for blinded to leave than to keep nagging him. Maybe sometimes is not helpful to ask for "all or nothing" but if whatever he does for you is not enough, let go of it, but first of all let go of all the negative emotions - anger, frustration, entitlement, dissatisfaction. Life is too short for that. It doesn't sound like it's enough for blinded. It wouldn't be for me either. It sounds like the only difference is that he and the W aren't having sex anymore. That's not much of a boundary for a guy who wants his girlfriend to feel secure. Try and see your R with him in a more positive light. Look at what is good in it, look at the nice things he has done for you, try to make a list and see if it's long and meaningful enough, then see what the end balance is, because it seems to me that your are focusing only on the bits you would like to be different. No R will ever be exactly the way we want it, down to the last detail. You are much more optimistic than me Elin. These are not small things. It's not that shes upset because he left clothes on the floor. He isn't following through with his promises and isn't making her feel secure. He's given her reasons to suspect he may go back to his W yet again, or worse, not go back to his W, but never really cut the cord either. However, I think your basic premise is correct - if the R isn't meeting her needs, she should just leave, rather than trying to change him. Its so hard though when it at times looks like progress has been made....but being "close" just isn't the same and being "there." I also get the impression that you have self-doubts and need a lot of reassurance and constant confirmation that you are an absolute number one. This is not unreasonable, given the history. Theoretically he can make her feel secure and she will stop feeling so needy, but he has a LOT of repair work to do to get there. He seriously damaged her trust with the flip-flopping and even now he doesn't sound committed. I agree though blinded - take some time away. Get away from the situation long enough to clear your head. I suspect you'll find that the R isn't meeting your needs and it's not worth it to continue it.
BB07 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Blinded......I'm sooooo sorry that you are hurting like this. I think you've been given some good advice about sticking to your guns and not letting him have all the control of what you can deal with at this point. I think taking some time with the people who will comfort and love you will help you get through this. Your mm casual indifference to your needs and wants concerns me and I know concerns you. When all is said and done, you have to protect and love yourself. Hugs........blinded.
Owl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Blinded...you don't need to be a "safe place for him to go". You need to protect yourself from him. From his indecisiveness, from his indifference to what he's doing to you emotionally, from his self-centeredness and callousness. You don't "owe" him a safe place to go. You owe yourself some peace of mind. Go NC with him. Block his calls/emails/etc... Tell him one time that it's over, you're done, and if he contacts you it will be something he regrets. Then block him from contacting you, and remove him from your contacts so that you can't contact him in a moment of weakness. THEN go to your friends/family/support chain...and take care of yourself rather than waste any further time with someone who can treat you this way. Continuing this affair isn't what you need right now...taking care of yourself is what you need.
awkward Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I'm sorry you are hurting Blinded. If he can't make you a priority then he really isn't ready. Take care of yourself and know that we are here for you.
Author blinded_27 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Wow guys, thank you sooo much for the support.... you're all amazing Tonight was a very eventful night. I've read it many times on here before, I hate how there always seems to be this special, unspoken connection with our MMs... like as if fate just keeps bringing you back together. I did go into work this morning with the intention of leaving town later this evening. I ignored texts from M all day, until this afternoon when he texted me that he ended up winning tickets to a game I REALLY wanted to see. Okay I know most of you will say "hellooooo it's totally coincidence.." but something ALWAYS seems to happen every time I try to leave him, something always brings us back together again. So I said no initially because I knew it wouldn't be a good idea. He said "I know you hate me right now but I really want you to come, let's just at least go as friends". I gave in after a while but informed him that it probably wouldn't be the night he was expecting as I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy myself. Ugh so of course, me being weak for him, I go and we have a GREAT time. It's like reality disappeared and nothing else mattered anymore. We were like teenagers.. we were playing, he was all over me trying to kiss me and hugging me, it felt really nice to have that... even though it never stays for long. At the end of the night reality came back, and when he dropped me off he asked if I had a good time... I replied "yes, but now I am more confused than ever...." I really didn't want to start the whole "talk" after having such a good time, but ughhhh what the hell... where do we stand now??? He just kissed me goodnight and drove away. *sigh* I know he didn't want to ruin such a good night with a fight either. I don't regret going... but I hate that all of a sudden everything is... okay? Or is it? I have no idea. I hate that I know nothing has changed and at the end of the day he still went back on his word to me... Why is this SOOOOO hard??? I honestly have NO idea what to do. Is he genuine? Or should I stay away from the guy?? Tigercub: I liked your perspective on the reasons he probably didn't put up a fight with his W about the papers. I mean it makes perfect sense. It actually made me feel a lot better looking at it from this perspective because I know this is probably the truth. He would have had to force her, she would get upset, then he would resent me for it... it would be a huge mess. Ellin's response is interesting as well. For the most part, I feel betrayed and like I DO deserve MUCH better than what he's been giving me... but really, I have only been focusing on ALL of the negative aspects of our R. Well just one... HER. I know I need to sit back and relax, he has told me the same thing... he told me just last night "I know if you were to let go of all this BS and just listen to me when I am telling you that her and I are not getting back together, we would be fine and not fighting all the time". And he's right, but like I said in my first post, why shouldn't I ask for more security from him? Also Ellin, you are spot on as far as me having "self-doubts and need a lot of reassurance and constant confirmation that I am an absolute number one". But of course, what do you expect when he left me so many times to go back to her... he can do it again, he might... and walking away with "grace and serenity" is a difficult thing to do in a situation like this. Pureinheart, I agree as well when you say I'm setting the stage for how he treats me in the future... I'm trying really hard to change this, but when I really think about it, I don't think he will change much and at the end of the day I really don't think him and I could ever work out LT if he can't keep his promises or make sacrifices for me, the way I would for him. I wish I had the strength to stay away until September, but I just don't. and I fear if I do, things won't work out the way I hoped... which would probably be for the better, but still. I'm still curious to see where this leads, I can't say I feel very good about the future... I think my gut is already sending me warning signs. Or maybe it's just paranoia. Who knows.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 but something ALWAYS seems to happen every time I try to leave him, something always brings us back together again. But in this case, a choice was made. You didn't have to go.... Listen to your gut, shield your heart. Time will tell if what he is telling you is true.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 he told me just last night "I know if you were to let go of all this BS and just listen to me when I am telling you that her and I are not getting back together, we would be fine and not fighting all the time". And he's right, but like I said in my first post, why shouldn't I ask for more security from him? Sorry Blinded, I cant' remember if she knows about you. He really seems not to want to hurt her and because of that he expects you to let alot go to keep the peace. It's easier on him to let you down, than her.
Author blinded_27 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) Sorry Blinded, I cant' remember if she knows about you. He really seems not to want to hurt her and because of that he expects you to let alot go to keep the peace. It's easier on him to let you down, than her. Yes she does know about me... man that last sentence really struck a chord with me... " It's easier on him to let you down, than her." I brought that exact sentence up yesterday. He denied that was true. But he ended up proving otherwise last night So he came to my work yesterday and brought me a coffee and we had a long chat. He says he really wants to be with me but can't handle all the arguing about his W all the time. Eventually, I asked if his answers to my two questions have changed... he said "yes", and I was thrilled. I actually believed he wasn't going to lie to me anymore. He told me he was going to his (male) friend's house for a couple of hours and that he would come by my place afterwards. I cracked a joke and asked if he was going to see his W, he said "no absolutely not". I don't know why, but my gut was just SCREAMING at me that night. I couldn't help myself. I got in my car and drove past her place, just to be sure.... ...and I see his car :( He had lied to my face, after everything today, and went to see her.... I asked him what the hell was going on. He said he really wanted to be friends with her and feels like he has to lie to me about going to see her because we'll get in a huge argument (well of course!!!!!). He said he didn't want to lie but asked how I would have reacted if he had told me he was going. UGH it was the most frustrating conversation ever... I asked him what was really going on and that there's no turning back now, this is the worst of the worst right here. He told me that she asked him tonight if they could try to make it work again He said he wasn't expecting this, that it had crossed his mind once or twice but knew the marriage wouldn't work out. He told me he didn't tell her yes or no, he isn't sure what to do... he wants to be with me but can't handle us arguing about her all the time, and he isn't willing to give her up as a friend or stop talking to her any time soon. And I just can't accept this... I really wish I could, but this is exactly why I knew I couldn't trust him. Long conversation short, I told him that this was our last night together. I couldn't be angry at him, I was more sad and heartbroken than anything. He stayed at my place last night, we cried a lot and talked about how good things were in the beginning of our R, and how hard this is going to be... he really doesn't know what to do at this point, but says he feels like he owes it to her to give it a try at least because they're married. He says even if he does decide to try to make it work, that doesn't mean it will. Ugh... This is SOOO HARD!!!! I don't know what to do with myself right now. I love him so much, I can't imagine being with anyone else, and I don't want to imagine him not being in my life... I miss him so much already. Edited January 27, 2011 by blinded_27
half_ofa_heart Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Yes she does know about me... man that last sentence really struck a chord with me... " It's easier on him to let you down, than her." I brought that exact sentence up yesterday. He denied that was true. But he ended up proving otherwise last night So he came to my work yesterday and brought me a coffee and we had a long chat. He says he really wants to be with me but can't handle all the arguing about his W all the time. Eventually, I asked if his answers to my two questions have changed... he said "yes", and I was thrilled. I actually believed he wasn't going to lie to me anymore. He told me he was going to his (male) friend's house for a couple of hours and that he would come by my place afterwards. I cracked a joke and asked if he was going to see his W, he said "no absolutely not". I don't know why, but my gut was just SCREAMING at me that night. I couldn't help myself. I got in my car and drove past her place, just to be sure.... ...and I see his car :( He had lied to my face, after everything today, and went to see her.... I asked him what the hell was going on. He said he really wanted to be friends with her and feels like he has to lie to me about going to see her because we'll get in a huge argument (well of course!!!!!). He said he didn't want to lie but asked how I would have reacted if he had told me he was going. UGH it was the most frustrating conversation ever... I asked him what was really going on and that there's no turning back now, this is the worst of the worst right here. He told me that she asked him tonight if they could try to make it work again He said he wasn't expecting this, that it had crossed his mind once or twice but knew the marriage wouldn't work out. He told me he didn't tell her yes or no, he isn't sure what to do... he wants to be with me but can't handle us arguing about her all the time, and he isn't willing to give her up as a friend or stop talking to her any time soon. And I just can't accept this... I really wish I could, but this is exactly why I knew I couldn't trust him. Long conversation short, I told him that this was our last night together. I couldn't be angry at him, I was more sad and heartbroken than anything. He stayed at my place last night, we cried a lot and talked about how good things were in the beginning of our R, and how hard this is going to be... he really doesn't know what to do at this point, but says he feels like he owes it to her to give it a try at least because they're married. He says even if he does decide to try to make it work, that doesn't mean it will. Ugh... This is SOOO HARD!!!! I don't know what to do with myself right now. I love him so much, I can't imagine being with anyone else, and I don't want to imagine him not being in my life... I miss him so much already. Ouch! I am soooo very sorry to hear the pain you are going through. My heart goes out to you it really does. As painful as it is right now don't you think its probably better to just go NC and figure things our for yourself??? I'm no expert and probably shouldn't be giving ANYONE advice because I'm still in my dead end relationship with no end in sight; but, there was one time when he told me he needed to give his M a chance. It broke my heart into a million pieces and I think I stayed in bed crying for 2 days straight. (I didn't even do that when my husband and I split up!) And just when I was starting to get over him and didn't think about him every waking second... he came back into my life (2 weeks later). Albeit, still very married and still very committed to his wife but it was MY choice to let him back in (big regret there). All I'm trying to say is that there is soooo much emotion going on right now that you can't possibly be thinking straight. If he is in your life, as indecisive as he is, it will not help YOU in making the right desicion for YOU! If you could remove emotion from this equation, would you honestly look at this relationship and objectively decide it is a good relationship for YOU? Only you can answer this but the best conclusion will come from a clear level head. Just my opinion. Good Luck Blinded. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
Mimolicious Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Blinded, my 2 cents. It takes you nowhere trying to force a man into something - a R, a committment, big promises, ultimate declarations, and watching his every move with great tension and fear of any slip-up, ready to jump and start another confrontation. This is the impression I'm getting from your post. I might be wrong but if it is the case, this attitude doesn't make the R a nice place to be and it can drive him away. You need to offer him a place where he wants to be, not where he feels forced, like he does by his W. Maybe sometimes is not helpful to ask for "all or nothing" but if whatever he does for you is not enough, let go of it, but first of all let go of all the negative emotions - anger, frustration, entitlement, dissatisfaction. Life is too short for that. Try and see your R with him in a more positive light. Look at what is good in it, look at the nice things he has done for you, try to make a list and see if it's long and meaningful enough, then see what the end balance is, because it seems to me that your are focusing only on the bits you would like to be different. No R will ever be exactly the way we want it, down to the last detail. I also get the impression that you have self-doubts and need a lot of reassurance and constant confirmation that you are an absolute number one. If cannot be happy with what he can offer, or be more patient or willing to risk waiting and seeing, then walk away, but with grace and serenity. It looks to me like you keep cornering him and making both of you miserable. I'm not saying that it's all your fault or that nothing in his behavior is wrong, but you can only control your own thoughts, feelings and actions and this is the starting point of making a change in a situation you're not happy with. Getting upset about what he might or might not do and if it's going to be exactly what you want won't help. Really, I'm not blaming or criticising you. I just feel that you have worked yourself up to a point of huge tension and it would perhaps be good if you could relax and distance yourself from the whole thing before you take any steps or make any decisions. I partly agree with Ellin. Life is also to short to give, wait, sacrifice, hurt, yet you are getting less of what is deserved in return. B27, (hugs) babygirl. I really wish you much strength and I hope that very soon you are in a better place. Let go of what is holding you down and set yourself free, to go find what will help you uplift. Be well and get some rest! (I know the feeling of a bulldozer going over you a few times).
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 ((Blinded))) I am so sorry that you're hurting. I want to take a big spoon and shove it up his ass! No decisions need to be made right now. Go with the flow, but just try to distance yourself from him. Honestly, I don't think HE knows what he wants 100% either way. When he's with you, he wants you..When he's with his wife, he wants her. He is going to be confused and unsettled for a while, I'm sure he's broken up inside about this but the thing is, HE has stick to one or the other, no more bouncing around. He's doing what he wants, and sadly it isn't what you want.. So its' easier for him to lie to you than tell you the truth..Or has been.. Now he's told you about her wanting him back, trying again. If I were in your shoes, I'd walk away. Out of love, out of respect for the fact that they need to sort it out without me (you) in the picture. Focus on you, take each day as it comes and try to be around good friends and family to help you through this. I wish I had a magic wand to fix this for you sweets. Stay strong.
half_ofa_heart Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 ((Blinded))) I am so sorry that you're hurting. I want to take a big spoon and shove it up his ass! No decisions need to be made right now. Go with the flow, but just try to distance yourself from him. Honestly, I don't think HE knows what he wants 100% either way. When he's with you, he wants you..When he's with his wife, he wants her. He is going to be confused and unsettled for a while, I'm sure he's broken up inside about this but the thing is, HE has stick to one or the other, no more bouncing around. He's doing what he wants, and sadly it isn't what you want.. So its' easier for him to lie to you than tell you the truth..Or has been.. Now he's told you about her wanting him back, trying again. If I were in your shoes, I'd walk away. Out of love, out of respect for the fact that they need to sort it out without me (you) in the picture. Focus on you, take each day as it comes and try to be around good friends and family to help you through this. I wish I had a magic wand to fix this for you sweets. Stay strong. LS is missing the "LIKE" button. I couldn't agree more with your post. Such eloquent choice of words.
BB07 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 ((Blinded))) I am so sorry that you're hurting. I want to take a big spoon and shove it up his ass! No decisions need to be made right now. Go with the flow, but just try to distance yourself from him. Honestly, I don't think HE knows what he wants 100% either way. When he's with you, he wants you..When he's with his wife, he wants her. He is going to be confused and unsettled for a while, I'm sure he's broken up inside about this but the thing is, HE has stick to one or the other, no more bouncing around. He's doing what he wants, and sadly it isn't what you want.. So its' easier for him to lie to you than tell you the truth..Or has been.. Now he's told you about her wanting him back, trying again. If I were in your shoes, I'd walk away. Out of love, out of respect for the fact that they need to sort it out without me (you) in the picture. Focus on you, take each day as it comes and try to be around good friends and family to help you through this. I wish I had a magic wand to fix this for you sweets. Stay strong. LS is missing the "LIKE" button. I couldn't agree more with your post. Such eloquent choice of words. I so agree with WWIU and half ofa heart. You have to look out and take care of yourself blinded. As sad and hard as it is, you are going to have to be the strong one or else he will keep flip flopping back and forth and it's breaking you apart. Big, big hugs blinded!
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