KitKat21 Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I am so confused and upset that I don't know what to do. I went to a party with my boyfriend of seven months last night (Sat. March 20th)and we got along great until the ride home where he turned into a complete as*hole telling me that it is over between us and that he can't stand me! The only thing I can think of for him acting this way is that he had one two many shots and it was getting to him. Anyway after screaming at eachother for several miles,we got close to my house and he pulls over on a side street and tells me to "get the fu*k out of his car" when I refused, he slapped me across the face and said it again, so I got out as fast as I could and started to walk home--I had no idea where I was and it was freezing outside so I called him up and asked him to please come and get me. He told me to "Fu*k off" and hung up! Anyway to make a long story short I found my way home and he called me up to tell me to get my stuff out of his house, so I went over to his house, and when I got there he was all over me telling me how sorry he was and whatever. I ended up ignoring him and crashing at his place for the night since it was already 4:00 am and I was tired . Well this morning I broke up with him and he started crying hysterically telling me that he is so sorry and that he loves me SO much and he swears that it would never happen again. I then gave him an ultimatum that either he quits drinking(since when he's drunk is the only time we fight),and that if he ever lays a hand on me again I'm done with him for good! He told me that he would do anything to keep me,and that he would rather die that ever hurt me again. So I forgave him and took him back. My questions for everyone is--Am I a fool to forgive him? He's never hit me before and feels like sh*t for doing so. Should I believe him when he tells me he'll never do it again? Or should I just change my mind and break up with him anyway? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Yes. You are a fool for forgiving him, if you want my honest opinion. You should HOPE he's telling the truth that he'd never do it again, but all it'll take is for him to get drunk again and whatever he promised would go right out the door because he wouldn't care, 'cuz he's drunk and doesn't seem to care about the consequences of his actions when he's drunk. I'm stunned that you took him back, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 ......and he pulls over on a side street and tells me to "get the fu*k out of his car" when I refused, he slapped me across the face and said it again.... Drunk or not, that would more than do it for me. And what happened afterwards is just the icing on that poisoned cake. Forgiving is one thing, but frankly I'd keep my distance. Should I believe him when he tells me he'll never do it again? Maybe - once he's in treatment/getting help. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I think you are sticking your neck out only to have it chopped off...literally. I think this guy sounds like a textbook abuser. Whether it's alcohol induced or not, he's dangerous. Not only did he smack you, he verbally abused you, and he forced you out of his car in the middle of the night in the freezing cold. L O S E R Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Hitting people is bad, i know people in abusive realtionships, not cool, dont believe him when he says he wont do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 So true, Darkangelism. They have a distinct pattern. They abuse, then they apologize and beg and plead. Then they flatter you with presents, etc, or whatever. Then, things might go smoothly for a little while until it builds up again and they lash out. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 dont believe him when he says he wont do it again DA has a point. There is an old bar saying that goes "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts". The reason I mention this is, having reread your first post, I notice you've only been with him (maybe even only known him) for seven months. It could be he has underlying problems, which cannot easily be seen, as well as his alcoholism, which can, that need to be worked on. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Plus, he drove drunk. The guy sounds like bad news. IF he quits drinking immediately, give him one chance. I've known people to wise up after one bad mistake and fly straight ever after. However, always take money with you when you go out, and if he ever gets drunk again - or starts drinking - take a cab home and leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Qgal Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 Please do not give him any more chances! They don't change. He is textbook! The only one that may change is you as in seriously hurt, killed, disfigured, etc. Abusers are all charm and apologies...until the next time...and there is always a next time. Get support from a women's group (call hospital to find one) to learn how to protect yourself in the event he retaliates. Weaker women have gotten out of these situations. Please do not stay out of fear. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I watched a man cry in the streets begging me to take him back. Telling me he loved me and didn't know why he was so bad to me. He loved me and was willing to do ANYTHING to keep me and was sorry. He didn't change and ended up beating me while pregnant.....RUN! Don't look back Link to post Share on other sites
Serenity35 Posted March 22, 2004 Share Posted March 22, 2004 I agree with the rest of the posts on this...You need to get away from this man. It's only a matter of time before he does it again. I spent 5 years in an abusive relationship and after everytime he always said those same words "I love you and I'll never do it again." Guess what? it did happen again and it got worse each time. There is NO excuse for hitting someone drunk or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitKat21 Posted March 24, 2004 Author Share Posted March 24, 2004 I have been keeping my distance from him for the last few days,but I gotta tell you it has not been easy-I miss him terribly. We have been talking on the phone and it has been going all right, he promised never to drink shots again(he's fine if he just drinks regular beer or mixed drinks,it's the shots that do that to him) When we are together on a normal basis we get along great and he treats me like gold,we are like the perfect couple. For some reason when he drinks shots he turns into an as*hole! We have argued before when we've both been drunk,but this is the first time it's ever gotten to where it was physical. I also met up with one of his ex-girlfriends (the one he dated before me for about a year) and I asked her how he treated her, and if he was ever physically abusive towards her and she said "Never" and that he treated her great(she cheated on him thats why they're not together anymore). Anyway thanks for all the advice,I am going to give him one last chance to prove himself and I am going to stand firm on my ultimatum in my previous post. I know that if I mean anything to him like he says I do, He'll change and do what he says. Wish me luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 People don't change. He will do it again and it will begin to get worse. Buy some pepper spray or a taser if you are going to stay with this guy. He is dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Wish me luck!! I'm more inclined to pray for you. Link to post Share on other sites
viciouscancer Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 dont listen to the other peps. give him another chance. hes not a bad guy. if he does it again than its time to go. viciouscancer Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitKat21 Posted March 26, 2004 Author Share Posted March 26, 2004 Originally posted by viciouscancer dont listen to the other peps. give him another chance. hes not a bad guy. if he does it again than its time to go. viciouscancer Thanks Man,I really needed some support on this!! Ever since that day he has been going out of his way to make me happy,and he is trying real hard to "learn" from the experience rather than just forget about it. He is using the fight as an excuse to become a better man to me, and to make something positive come out of a negative situation. So far I love the man he's become from this even more than who he was before. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
purehearted Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 My advice is to proceed with the utmost caution. The fact that you say that he's fine when he drinks just beer and his problems surface with shots is classic alcoholic to me. The fact that he first told you he wouldn't drink then modified it to not taking shots also says alcoholic to me. The fact that he's irrational and hit you and kicked you out of his car in the middle of the night in the cold is also classic alcoholic behavior. However, coming from someone who has grown up w/ an alcoholic and dated more than one alcoholic, I can't say that I haven't been in similar situations in the past. So, proceed as you wish, but keep your eyes open and be ready to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 do what you need to do, but know that this is your decision, and you are now partly accountable for the abuse you *will* encounter in the future. it will not be your fault when he hits you again, but it will be your fault that you stayed with him. why are your standards so incredibly low? Link to post Share on other sites
judogirl Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 I'm sorry, girl, but if Viciouscancer is your ally on this, that should be enough to tell you you're on the wrong track. This man WILL abuse you again, and Jenny's right--it won't be your fault when he hits you (that is NEVER acceptable) but it is your fault that you're choosing to stay with him. Yes, this is harsh news, and yes, it hurts to leave some one, but all this talk about "he's OK when he drinks, just not shots" is utter nonsense--you're rationalizing. Get out now and don't think we're not supporting you by saying so--support is exactly what we're offering you. This guy is an abuser and you don't deserve to be abused. Period. Judogirl Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 >>>Thanks Man,I really needed some support on this!!<<< Yeah, take it from the advice of a sage. >>>Ever since that day he has been going out of his way to make me happy,and he is trying real hard to "learn" from the experience rather than just forget about it.<<< The only thing he learned was that he could hit you and that you'd ultimately take him back if he apologized enough. He's your classic manipulator, following exactly the same pattern that all abusers establish. He's conditioning you. He's conditioning you so that, slowly, with each incident, he will be able to degrade you and abuse you just a little more each time. He'll do everything to make you think that you're worthless and that your life literally depends on him - so much so to the point that one day, he may quite literally threaten to take your life if you dare to leave him. It's a sick, sick pattern and my advice is plain and simple: GET THE F_CK OUT NOW!!! >>>He is using the fight as an excuse to become a better man to me, and to make something positive come out of a negative situation. So far I love the man he's become from this even more than who he was before. Thanks again.<<< You'll be back. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 yup what amerikjin said. classic abusive behavior. I loved the guy my ex-abuser was the next few days after ripping me apart. That was the man I wanted to be with, but the other schizo side just kept comming back. If your new to this behavior i can understand why you believe his lies. I believed them. then he tried to kill me. how long will you put up with it? Im afraid for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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