Woggle Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I know it might not seem like it but I truly am trying to get past these bitter feelings towards the opposite sex but it is damn hard. I can be feeling good about whatever and I read about a woman cheating or any thread where a man is getting treated badly in a relationship and this cloud of hate just comes over me. I have gotten better at realizing when it is happening and talking myself out of it instead of it lasting for days and even weeks like it used to but it is still there. I just get so worked up when I read or hear certain things.
northern_sky Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I know it might not seem like it but I truly am trying to get past these bitter feelings towards the opposite sex but it is damn hard. I can be feeling good about whatever and I read about a woman cheating or any thread where a man is getting treated badly in a relationship and this cloud of hate just comes over me. I have gotten better at realizing when it is happening and talking myself out of it instead of it lasting for days and even weeks like it used to but it is still there. I just get so worked up when I read or hear certain things. you resist by not indulging the feeling. these feelings don't just happen to you. they are something you indulge, because you get a momentary amount of satisfaction out of that indulgence. It's short term gratification at the expense of long term toxicity. Think of yourself as an alcoholic resisting a drink. You may not be able to control the feeling bubbling up at first, but you CAN nip it in the bud by simply passing it by.
northern_sky Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 also, have you considered that ls is about the worst place you could go, aside from a divorce court, if you want to avoid triggers??
january2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 also, have you considered that ls is about the worst place you could go, aside from a divorce court, if you want to avoid triggers?? There are some forums and some threads that I avoid because I know that I'm not strong enough to deal with them yet. In my experience, there are some fears that cannot be faced head on. And because there always seems to be an abundance of threads that fall under the category of being triggers for you, I agree that this is probably the worst place for you to be.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I know it might not seem like it but I truly am trying to get past these bitter feelings towards the opposite sex but it is damn hard. I can be feeling good about whatever and I read about a woman cheating or any thread where a man is getting treated badly in a relationship and this cloud of hate just comes over me. I have gotten better at realizing when it is happening and talking myself out of it instead of it lasting for days and even weeks like it used to but it is still there. I just get so worked up when I read or hear certain things. I'm not sure this will help... but I kind of dump all that stuff here on LS. I feel much more rational after doing that. Does that help you at all?
Nexus One Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Like with anything it's better to look at people on an individual basis, rather than a group basis. Woman A does not equal woman B. If woman A cheats, then that should not reflect badly on woman B. If woman A is funny, then that doesn't mean woman B is funny. Yeah I know that's like explaining the really obvious, but sometimes you have to restate the really obvious to yourself to stay sane and hold a balanced perspective.
Cee Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Woggle, aren't you happily (as much as one can be) married? I don't understand why you are so angry at women. When a man posts a thread that upsets me, I get mad at the poster, not the entire male gender. When a woman posts something that annoys me, I don't start hating women. I read all sorts of awful, horrible stuff on LS and I don't get angry at human kind. I admit I get afraid though. LS has instilled a fear in dating b/c I can see all sorts of madness that can lurk in one's mind. I hope you don't think I'm mad at you. I appreciate your efforts to deal with your feelings and your honesty. Good luck in working through these disturbing feelings.
Author Woggle Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I am angry because the things I have experienced I am starting to think have me scared for life and I get angry when I see men going through what I did. I believe that much of my success in life based on this attitude as well. It was after the end of my first marriage that I finally starting doing well in life so what else can it be?
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Woggle, as I've told you before, most people that are in loving, healthy, monogamous relationships are NOT posting on LS night after night about their problems. These people are not posting in infidelity forums. What you are reading on LS isn't a reliable cross section of the population at large. I've been seeing my guy for 3 months, and everything is going really well. I guess I could start a thread about being happy, but I don't need to vent- so what do I have to post about really? We spend so much time together, I don't get to LS as much as I used to when I was single and not so settled. It's easy to get upset when you read some of the things people post on here about cheating, or being cheated on. Don't forget that people actively seek advice when they are in a bad place- so it's stands to reason that you are going to see more negative than positive posts here. You have actually been supportive of me for letting go of my bitter thoughts and embracing a good guy. What has helped me get over my fears is the love of a good guy.
carhill Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Wogs, though a bit different than what you process, I deal with such strong emotions by actively diverting my thought processes to another issue, topic or dynamic. Cognitively, I 'walk away' from the emotion that is 'triggered'. It's a visualization process I learned in MC. It's not perfect but I've found, largely, it mitigates the toxic part of the emotion; the part which sees red. With the red mitigated, I find the emotions easier to process and accept. By 'red', I mean the state which disallows any meaningful input or processing, as an example the area where we could kill without consideration or thought. As a man, I think you know what I'm talking about. Personally, I'm inspired by the progress you've made and the way you've shared it here, warts and all. That's commendable. Your wife is a fortunate lady, as are you to have such a 'rock' at your side. Take care
Jannah Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 What has helped me get over my fears is the love of a good guy. This right here, is what it's all about. Partly also, our own ability. Woggle, keep focusing on yourself and your wife and the love that she has for you and you for her, and you will slowly move away from those feelings of anger and bitterness more and more each day.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Honestly, reading LS brings out my cynicism big time. And sometimes I just feel like wallowing in that. But lately, not nearly as much. I'm coming to LS less, and I think it's good for me to spend less time here right now. Maybe try a break, clear your head, and see how you feel. Also, in spite of the feelings you have expressed toward women here, I have always seen a cool, good guy through that hurt. I've been impressed and heartened to see you work through this stuff and really get better.
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 This right here, is what it's all about. Partly also, our own ability. Woggle, keep focusing on yourself and your wife and the love that she has for you and you for her, and you will slowly move away from those feelings of anger and bitterness more and more each day. Exactly. Focus on what is right in front of you and learn to embrace that! Trust in what is right in front of you instead of searching for validation of your fears through the stories of strangers on an internet forum that is specifically designed to encourage people to vent about their negative experiences. People in good relationships aren't posting and boasting on LS- because it's an advice forum.
Author Woggle Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 It's partially LS but it also other things. When I see the things that a lot of my friends go through it just sickens. I am the guy that they all go to for advice because believe it or not I am seen as the one who has it together and is sort of the role model for my friends. They see me as the guy who went through the ringer and came out of it even stronger which is true in many ways but it has left me with some serious trust issues.
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 It's partially LS but it also other things. When I see the things that a lot of my friends go through it just sickens. I am the guy that they all go to for advice because believe it or not I am seen as the one who has it together and is sort of the role model for my friends. They see me as the guy who went through the ringer and came out of it even stronger which is true in many ways but it has left me with some serious trust issues. You chose to settle down with a good woman Woggle- that's a good choice that you made in your life. I am not surprised your friends want to know what your "secret is". What is your secret exactly? I assume it's demanding you deserve better, trusting your instincts when the right woman came along, and not letting her go once you found her. That's the path I am on currently- and I am essentially following your lead.
Jannah Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 It's partially LS but it also other things. When I see the things that a lot of my friends go through it just sickens. I am the guy that they all go to for advice because believe it or not I am seen as the one who has it together and is sort of the role model for my friends. They see me as the guy who went through the ringer and came out of it even stronger which is true in many ways but it has left me with some serious trust issues. How about, not viewing the infidelity forum, as a step in the right direction? Because honestly, it isn't just LS, if you go to ANY message forum and browse those types of sections - all it will do is reload the trigger. Woggle, I was cheated on, several years ago - and although I still have my own trust issues in certain aspects, I have been on this board for some time now and I will not allow myself to view certain sub-forums because I know it will only infuriate me. So, maybe try to eliminate the time spent in those sub-forums and it will help lift some of the shades of gray.
Author Woggle Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I don't know what my secret is. I started chatting up an attractive woman on the boardwalk one day and she turned out to be so great she changed my mind about getting married again. There have been times where I have wondered if I am an idiot for trusting a woman again. I no longer feel that way most of the time but when I read certain things it brings back up those feelings since most men who are betrayed are completely taken by surprise.
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I don't know what my secret is. I started chatting up an attractive woman on the boardwalk one day and she turned out to be so great she changed my mind about getting married again. There have been times where I have wondered if I am an idiot for trusting a woman again. I no longer feel that way most of the time but when I read certain things it brings back up those feelings since most men who are betrayed are completely taken by surprise. Well Wogs, that woman you met on the boardwalk should hold more weight than any story you happen to come across on LS because she is the real deal and she's proven that to you. You've told me the same thing and encouraged me to stick with him- and I have.
northern_sky Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Woggle, you're doing in this thread exactly what you SHOULDN'T be doing if you want to control your mind in a healthy manner. Take a step back and look at yourself objectively. You are an addict. I know you are one, because I recognize in you all the symptoms of an addict I've seen in myself. Notice how, instead of responding to the posts that gave you advice on how to control your cognitions, you pounced on the few triggers laced throughout this thread -- for example where somebody asked you why you have this obsession. You will never find a resolution that satisfies you on this topic. (And please do not use what I am writing here as another trigger to write more about your gender issues). You have to just walk away from from the topic completely, completely, whenever a trigger pops up. Just walk away. Edited January 25, 2011 by northern_sky
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Woggle, It is up to you. I know that a person's innate temperament can make certain things easier or more difficult. An amazing person I met playing Scrabble online has written a memoir. This man is a quadriplegic. He used to enjoy sports, dancing, being in school plays, until he was shot in the back on New Years Eve by a stranger ... when he was only 12 years old. The shooter was never identified. Nobody tried much to find him; this happened in some pretty tough projects in NYC. The reason I'm telling this to you is this: Jerry had NO breaks. He had a lot stacked against him BEFORE he was the absolute victim of that shooter. If he chose to, he could so easily hold onto hate, fear, self pity, etc. Woggle, you should read his memoir and see how he stepped away from that kind of toxic thinking and embraces all the good that life has to offer him. If you are interested, PM me and I will send you title of his book. It is really inspiring for any of us who struggle with letting the hurts of the past control our lives and feelings today.
denise_xo Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I don't know what my secret is. I started chatting up an attractive woman on the boardwalk one day and she turned out to be so great she changed my mind about getting married again. There have been times where I have wondered if I am an idiot for trusting a woman again. I no longer feel that way most of the time but when I read certain things it brings back up those feelings since most men who are betrayed are completely taken by surprise. I really second what Nexus One and DLish wrote below. Beyond that, I also think it's about accepting that life is, by definition, full of risk - in ALL areas of life, love included. I treat everything in life as temporary. Today, I can pay my bills, I am fairly healthy, I have people around me who support me, etc. All of that can change tomorrow. I can be hit by a car, lose my job, be diagnosed with cancer, have a friend turn on me, or have my H tell me he wants a divorce. I feel grateful for all the positive points, but live on the assumption that I can't by default expect them to last. That assumption doesn't bother me or make me insecure, it just makes me appreciate much more what I actually have when I have it. You are not an idiot for trusting. We can't go through life without extending trust to other people, we just have to accept that trusting is fundamentally a risky behaviour. However, it's more risky with some people than with others, and then it comes down to your people picking skills. Sounds like you've picked yourself a really, really good wife. It's not fair to her that you judge her on the basis of a marginal part of the population who are posting on some random internet forum. Your posts have changed dramatically in tone only since I signed up for LS. Surely, you're moving away from your bitterness even if you're running into a few speed bumps now and then. Keep laboring and focus on enjoying your marriage Mme. Chaucer is right on, too. My H has had some really extreme challenges come his way during his life. If I had been in his shoes, I'd probably be filled with hate by now. He isn't, and he's so much better off for it. Like with anything it's better to look at people on an individual basis, rather than a group basis. Woman A does not equal woman B. If woman A cheats, then that should not reflect badly on woman B. If woman A is funny, then that doesn't mean woman B is funny. Woggle, as I've told you before, most people that are in loving, healthy, monogamous relationships are NOT posting on LS night after night about their problems. These people are not posting in infidelity forums. What you are reading on LS isn't a reliable cross section of the population at large.
Author Woggle Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 It's not that I feel self pity because if I never met my wife I could have lived a great life. I was doing great career wise in the time between marriages. It is more the fact that leaving myself vulnerable and exposed to a woman literally scrares the crap out of me since a good deal of the women before my wife saw that as invitation to rip my heart to shreds. When I read certain posts it sometimes makes me wonder if all or least most women deep down feel this way. While I know logically they don't when I get into this mood I just feel like fighting my side in the gender war. When I read some of these stories it's like all these cheating women and walkway wives are reading from some script because it all sounds the same. In my more insane moments it feels like women en masse are conspiring to screw men over. I know that is not true but I feel like that sometimes.
Recommended Posts