felecitelove Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Not really sure what I'm expecting advice wise from sharing this, because I'm not really asking any questions. Don't feel like you have to read it all, I know it's very long but I just want to get it out. My boyfriend and I were dating for just over five months when we split. Although it was a short term relationship, it was extremely intense and we both fell for each other, quickly and hard. We are both young, I'm 19 and he's 21, but we both were so in love and felt like we were going to be together forever. He proposed to me eight weeks into our relationship on my birthday, and we were really happy. We could sit and talk for hours, and it's one of the things I loved about us. We were both abused in our childhoods, him physically and me sexually, and finally I'd found someone I could speak openly to about my past, and I know he felt the same. We found empathy in each other, and we both just fit. He went away for a boys weekend away, and came back with another girl's number and was texting her on the sly, until I found out about it. Obviously I was extremely upset, very hurt and wasn't sure whether I could continue our relationship for a few days after that happened, but I still wanted to be with him and forgave him and moved on. Things were never quite the same after that though, I became very insecure and very very jealous. Any time we went out where other girls would be, the night would end in a screaming match. He wouldn't do anything, but I'd be watching him like a hawk all night, and if he even looked another girl's way, I'd snap. This all came to a head on New Year's Eve, we went out and we're having an amazing time but we bumped into an ex of his, and he kept commenting on how amazing she looked. I got very angry, stormed out of the club we were in, and after arguing in the street, I smacked him across the face. Yes, my behaviour was appalling, I understand that. I understood that as soon as I'd done it. We went home separately that night, and the next day spoke on the phone, and he was devastated I could do that to him even after I knew about his childhood, told me his heart was broken. I apologised, and asked him to forgive me and he told me he'd have to wait and see. He rang me the next day, and told me I could have a second chance. I went around to his that night, and we got on great. The next night we were together, watched a film together, but just before we were going to sleep he said to me "I don't think we should be together." I was shocked, we'd been having fun, and I started crying, begging him to just forgive me. We made up again after a lot of crying and begging from me and he told me he still loved me. However the next night, after another nice evening together, he started having a go at me about something I hadn't even done. The next morning I told him that he was obviously still bitter about what happened on New Years, that I couldn't be around him when he was being horrible to me for no reason and that we needed time apart from each other so he could work out what he wanted. We didn't speak for four days until he rang me. He kept saying the same thing, he didn't think we could be together, but when ever I asked him straight out if he was serious about us breaking up, he would say he didn't know. The next day he text me saying he really wanted to see me, that he was upset, but because he wasn't being clear with what was going on between us and because I already had plans for that evening, I refused to drop everything and run to him and told him to come to me instead. He did, we spent the evening together, but he was still being off with me and in the morning he went home. The next text I got from him was on Monday a week ago, telling me that we were over. Yes, he dumped his fiancée over a text message. I was very upset, but sent him a message back saying that I respect his decision and that it wasn't my place to change his mind. He replied telling me why he dumped me, apparently the last time he came round to mine I'd spent too much time talking to my mum and not enough time with him, which to him meant that I wasn't really sorry about anything that had happened. I thought that was extremely childish, but didn't tell him that. Last time I saw him was Friday, when I went to give him his personal belongings back. I met him at the train station, handed over his things, told him 'Good Luck' and left. He started to cry, but I didn't know what to do, so I kept on walking away. The strange thing is I am pretty fine with everything. I think I want him back, but I understand that the ball isn't exactly in my court right now and there is nothing I can do about that. I suppose you could say that I have initiated no contact, but I just thought it was the best thing to do, didn't even realise it was a method until I found this place! One thing I've decided to do is take time to myself, to try and improve myself, because I have realised that I'm not stable enough to be in a relationship, and that if I wanted to have another one, with my ex or otherwise, there are things that I need to greatly improve on, such as my jealousy and insecurity. I've started running again, and exercise really does make me think straight. I'm currently writing a list about things that I can improve on, not only in a relationship situation, but also so that I can become a better person. I do want him back, we were so in love and happy, and I'm devastated that my actions have led to this. But for the moment, I'm concentrating on myself and what I want, and even if he doesn't come back to me, at least I'd be a better person, and better equipped for my next relationship. One thing that does make me wonder though are his feelings for me. He used to tell me how much he loved me, how he was so excited he was going to live the rest of his life with me, how he was so happy I was going to be his wife and have his children. Even after we had the argument on New Years, he still told me he loved me, just "not as much as I want to." Apparently now, three weeks later, he doesn't love me at all. He actually told me he'd remember me as the woman who he "loved but could not continue loving." Is that even possible? Can you really lose such intense feelings for someone so quickly? I'm more inclined to say no, but does that mean that he didn't love me as much as he said he did? It's the only issue that's arose from our break-up that really makes me wonder, everything else is clear to me.
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