Not comfortable with my girlfriend's past drug use, and not sure how to address it

[depplover_1980]

Seems like you only have a problem with the drugs (ie its not the hallucinogenics but the coke) you haven't tried yourself and the fact you still occasionally smoke pot yourself makes you a hypocrite in my eyes.

 

I think she deserves someone who will praise her for sorting her life out and not condemn it. Hang outside the nunnery or something...

[hardandy]

It sounds like she's reflective and honest about her past. I can see no real red flags or issues with her.

 

The rest is your issue. Either change your feelings about accepting this and accept it. Or don't accept it and let her go. Whichever will make you happier.

 

 

This says it all...

 

There is nothing for you to gain by bringing it up with her..

[Lethe]

Seems like you only have a problem with the drugs (ie its not the hallucinogenics but the coke) you haven't tried yourself and the fact you still occasionally smoke pot yourself makes you a hypocrite in my eyes.

 

I think she deserves someone who will praise her for sorting her life out and not condemn it. Hang outside the nunnery or something...

 

A few things.

 

1. Reading comprehension. I've done neither halluciongens nor coke nor ecstacy. I also have stayed away from prescriptions because I had to watch an uncle die of a painkiller addiction when I was a kid.

 

2. A big part of me agrees with you.

[Lethe]

Now you appear to be minimizing her drug adventures. Your post was expressing concern about the excess.

 

I certainly am not going to label her an addict. It's pretty much beside the point, anyway.

 

All you need to do is to get right with YOURSELF and how you feel about this girl's past. If you are not going to accept it, let her move on to someone who will. And find someone with a past that does not bother you.

 

If you can deal with it (and NEVER use it against her, ever) then have a good time together.

 

Unfortunately I'm only going on what I'm being told here. She told me exactly what she said and also occasionally mentioned having done "a lot" of drugs during other times. I don't bring it up (so far) because in life I actually DO like to evaluate people for their present/very recent behaviors rather than those in the past. I can't quantify it properly because I just don't know, so if it feels like I'm randomly minimizing or maximizing it, I apologize.

[jenifer1972]

When you mentioned the boredom and experimentation, I thought, hmm sounds like ADHD. Then you confirmed it. My ex had bad ADHD . Let me tell you, that's hard to live with through the long haul. That would be the red flag for me.

[jane100]

Sorry, don't know much about ADHD.

 

A great variety of ideas which makes threads like this quite rich.

 

I think the red flags are not so much drug experimentation in itself but how it sits with the person in front of you. I can't remember if you say how you feel about her generally.

 

Are they joyful, responsible people with a lot to share/give?

 

Or are they suspicious, immature, or irresponsible-types who are completely all over the place? Do you trust them?

 

That is the difference in my mind.

 

In my experience ALOT of drugs can be an issue because it points to being out of control in some way that is not a good sign. But some experimentation seems entirely normal to me (and in fact maybe positive).

 

I think you have to look at the person in front of you and see what you see and how it squares up with what they have told you.

Edited January 25, 2011 by jane100

[depplover_1980]

A few things.

 

1. Reading comprehension. I've done neither halluciongens nor coke nor ecstacy. I also have stayed away from prescriptions because I had to watch an uncle die of a painkiller addiction when I was a kid.

 

2. A big part of me agrees with you.

 

Fine but you did differentiate between the drugs as some being worse than others and you obviously think pot if ok because you happen to like it! Drugs are fundamentally the same in that they are all addictive and they all alter the mindset, to different degrees yes. But to sit there with your spliff on saying you don't understand why people turn to drugs, when you yourself occasionally do in nonsensical.

[depplover_1980]

*is nonsensical.

[Billy_Boy]

The time to have worried about that was when you started 1st seeing her again, you knew her past going in... it seems rather crass to make it into an issue now. Its not like she lied to you, you knew up front... so let the past be the past.

[GolightlyD]

I'm hoping someone can help me with this, especially since this isn't a post of the "my girlfriend has banged guys besides me in the past and I can't handle it omg!1!!" variety. Thanks!

 

I posted something similar but in some ways different, which you might want to take a look at. Interestingly, this girl also was a heroin addict. She was fully recovered, showed zero sign of any relapse or tendency to do so. It did not bother me in the least.

 

Here's the thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=259569

[Lethe]

Sorry, don't know much about ADHD.

 

A great variety of ideas which makes threads like this quite rich.

 

I think the red flags are not so much drug experimentation in itself but how it sits with the person in front of you. I can't remember if you say how you feel about her generally.

 

Are they joyful, responsible people with a lot to share/give?

 

Or are they suspicious, immature, or irresponsible-types who are completely all over the place? Do you trust them?

 

That is the difference in my mind.

 

In my experience ALOT of drugs can be an issue because it points to being out of control in some way that is not a good sign. But some experimentation seems entirely normal to me (and in fact maybe positive).

 

I think you have to look at the person in front of you and see what you see and how it squares up with what they have told you.

 

I'll try to answer these questions because I like this post and think it'll move the thread in a positive direction.

 

I wouldn't be seriously dating this girl if I didn't enjoy spending a lot of time around her and if we didn't have a lot of things in common. It's a tad early to say I'm "in love" (that tends to happen either very quickly or very slowly for me, no middle ground), but I'm certainly headed there. We had a casual/friends with benefits type relationship from August to early November-ish. Like our first encounter three years ago, she was the one who was the aggressor, except this time her approach was not overwhelmingly negative. I was hesitant to date her because I was still getting over residual feelings for another girl I had dated some time before her, and also because I simply was not comfortable with some of the things she had done and been through. We had this arrangement that led to eventually lead to us dating, although like I said, for most of this time, I was leaning towards NOT wanting to make our relationship more serious. A few things changed. I all of a sudden began looking at her in a MUCH more favorable light for no apparent reason, and she had become very chummy with most people in my social circle, including becoming a very close friend of my best female friend. I can't really speculate as to what degree this was intentionally calculated by her (if at all).

 

She's in a graduate program right now but she very frequently flip-flops on whether or not she wants to stay or enter the workforce. Is she suspicious? I don't know. She has a lot of male friends, many of whom eventually become infatuated with her, but I don't know if that makes her suspicious. For what it's worth, I have the password to her cell phone and she isn't hesitant to let me mess around with it. She did once take it into the bathroom with her when she was going to shower though, which I thought was odd.

 

What it comes down to is that she has ADHD and an interrelated anxiety disorder which has manifested itself in alarming physical symptoms not that long ago. She dated an on again off again heroin addict for years, in high school no less. She went through a drug phase/addiction/I don't know what. I'm generally not one to judge people for being sick, mentally or otherwise, but it does make a tad uncomfortable to date someone with this type of psychological profile. I suppose maybe I am extraordinary in the sense that I'm one of the few people I know who has never had to be medicated for anything psychological. So obviously it's not JUST the drug use in isolation. I DO see other things in the grander scheme of things. What conflicts me is that I do in fact care for her very much, and I'd rather not hurt her or break off this relationship if it's MY overreactions rather than a genuine problem with her.

[Star Gazer]

OP, if you knew upstanding citizens who were conservatives, held down great jobs, showed no signs of instability, had their sh*t together and were living happily ever after, who also acknowledged that they "partied" in high school and college (with coke and "other things" you haven't tried), do you think that your perception of folks who've used coke would be something other than "seedy"?

Edited January 26, 2011 by Star Gazer

[jenifer1972]

If I were you I would read some statistics on ADHD and marital and career success rates and also some support group chats of people who are the SO 's of these personality profiles. You will find it an eye opener.. I would never ever consider a relationship with this type again.

[Lethe]

OP, if you knew upstanding citizens who were conservatives, held down great jobs, showed no signs of instability, had their sh*t together and were living happily ever after, who also acknowledged that they "partied" in high school and college (with coke and "other things" you haven't tried), do you think that your perception of folks who've used coke would be something other than "seedy"?

 

How old are said conservatives/how much time has passed? To answer your question, I probably would consider them something other than seedy, but your proposition is one of those "perfect world" scenarios so I'm not sure what anyone gains by me answering it.

[Star Gazer]

How old are said conservatives/how much time has passed? To answer your question, I probably would consider them something other than seedy, but your proposition is one of those "perfect world" scenarios so I'm not sure what anyone gains by me answering it.

 

I'm asking because many of my friends did coke (I did not, I was too afraid and was being tested for federal jobs) in college and law/grad school, and YOU (with your preconceived notions about ex-drug users) would never in a million years know it, now in our early 30's, or even a year after they stopped "partying."

 

I take it you didn't vote for Bush either.

[Lethe]

I'm asking because many of my friends did coke (I did not, I was too afraid and was being tested for federal jobs) in college and law/grad school, and YOU (with your preconceived notions about ex-drug users) would never in a million years know it, now in our early 30's, or even a year after they stopped "partying."

 

I take it you didn't vote for Bush either.

 

You're right, I didn't.

[Star Gazer]

Another reason I asked is because it seems that the reason you have these opinions is based on your poor experiences and lack of familiarity with normal folks who used drugs in their past.

 

Once upon a time, I had a bad opinion of Mormons because at 9 years old, the oldest daughter of the only Mormon family I knew picked me up and held me over a railing, threatening to drop me to my death. But should I judge all Mormons by that standard? Absolutely not.

 

Similar analogies can be made to race, genders, professions, etc.

 

If you knew "normal" people who'd used coke, I just don't think you'd be having this reaction.

[carhill]

Minor difference. Being a Mormon isn't a felony in most jurisdictions.

[Lethe]

Another reason I asked is because it seems that the reason you have these opinions is based on your poor experiences and lack of familiarity with normal folks who used drugs in their past.

 

Once upon a time, I had a bad opinion of Mormons because at 9 years old, the oldest daughter of the only Mormon family I knew picked me up and held me over a railing, threatening to drop me to my death. But should I judge all Mormons by that standard? Absolutely not.

 

Similar analogies can be made to race, genders, professions, etc.

 

If you knew "normal" people who'd used coke, I just don't think you'd be having this reaction.

 

Disagree. I have no lack of familiarity. On the surface, every drug user I've known past or present could be perceived as a "normal person." I don't think I at any point said that these people couldn't be functioning members of society or that they couldn't be your neighbor.

[Star Gazer]

Minor difference. Being a Mormon isn't a felony in most jurisdictions.

 

Irrelevant.

 

1. The drugs the OP does himself are illegal.

 

2. Many people think drug use should be decriminalized.

[heartshaped]

What it comes down to is that she has ADHD and an interrelated anxiety disorder which has manifested itself in alarming physical symptoms not that long ago.

 

Now this worries me. Not so much the drug use, although, I personally would never date anyone who had any serious drug use in their background. Just my personal preference. I think there's a difference between experimentation [limited usage] and using a drug over a good bit of time.

 

But the anxiety disorder is something that you should really do some research about and also, see how it effects her in her day to day life. I have quite a few psychological issues of my own including anxiety issues though I wouldn't say I have an 'anxiety disorder' by far. Even so, it's an issue that I am always upfront about in relationships because it is a bit much to take someone on with certain psychological issues and it's far better to let someone know these things so they can make their own informed choices.

[carhill]

Irrelevant.

 

1. The drugs the OP does himself are illegal.

 

2. Many people think drug use should be decriminalized.

You're laughable. And you're a lawyer?

 

Have you ever heard of property seizure? No way I'd touch a drug user, former or present, with a ten foot pole.

[Lethe]

You're laughable. And you're a lawyer?

 

Have you ever heard of property seizure? No way I'd touch a drug user, former or present, with a ten foot pole.

 

I can't say I agree with this. Sounds a tad too absolutist for me. I'm not sure if I'd feel this way even if my emotional viewpoint took over my more rational viewpoint entirely.

[Star Gazer]

You're laughable. And you're a lawyer?

 

Excuse me?

 

Have you ever heard of property seizure? No way I'd touch a drug user, former or present, with a ten foot pole.

 

Yes, I've heard of property seizure. I don't know why you believe someone's prior drug use has anything to do with it.

 

Should the OP not have a relationship with himself? He's a drug user too, ya know.

[Seamless74]

I always had reservations about dating her not because I did not like spending time with her or felt no affection for her, but because I had some reservations about her past AND I was still getting over residual feelings from a previous relationship. Eventually I decided to give it a shot and like I said, I'm happy I did for the most part.

 

 

Man I see your point about the drugs, I dunno I think people can get over it and yeah there is probably some sort of imprint, In other words maybe theyre a little sketchy or a bit of a burn or whatever. But lots of other things have imprints as well too.. Like if somebody was a born again christian for most of their life... Unfortunately theyre going to have terrible taste in movies in music for the rest of their life... so i dunno

 

 

But i think the qoute up there is your problem... call it what you want but I think its a classic case of settling for someone you really didnt want because of pussy deprivation... and then trying to wrestle with yourself to make believe your in love, and now maybe your trying to rationalize your way out of it... either way when you settle and you stick your in deep bro and its gonna be a process to get out. good luck you gonna need it.