Boyfriend and Marriage and Accepting Porn

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh yeah, rejection from a sexual addict spouse, ha ha ha.

 

Just saw some of your other "work" you may want to consider looking up sexual addiction, at least humor me and take the online test.

 

Usually when a man is trying to nail down everyone in a six block radius, there is an underlying issue.

[Floridaman]

Huh? You know excessive use of ANYTHING can lead to many problems in relationships right?

 

Do you know they have support groups for spouses of people addicted to video games?

 

Do you know how many lives and families have been destroyed by gambling addiction? And I don't even need to bring up chemical addictions, such as alcohol or narcotics.

 

The addiction is the problem, the subject of the addiction is irrelevant, be it porn or crack cocaine.

Of course!! I did say this guy isn't someone she needs to get involved with, just like someone who is a problem gambler or alcoholic.

 

Consider porn like a grenade or a gun. On its own, a grenade or gun isn't going to cause any problems. Grenades or guns don't kill people... People kill people... But put into the wrong hands....

 

Porn can cause problems. It portrays women in a false light. Most women don't act like those in the videos and pics. They're not always ready and willing to give it up...

Maybe it's like alligators who get fed by humans. Soon, the gators think ALL humans feed them. When one doesn't, they get mad and attack.

 

This coming from a former porn user... porn-free since Oct.

Edited February 19, 2011 by Floridaman

[Eclypse]

Well porn in of itself isn't that bad I think. But saving pictures of hot chicks on your computer... that's pushing it imo. I would never ever do that.

 

I'm in a loving relationship at the moment where for me pleasuring my girlfriend is my no.1 priority, however I have trouble orgasming sometimes so porn and alone time takes care of that but I would never in my right mind dream of saving pics. Also to add: bjs + sex whenever you want it > sitting alone in the dark wanking to porn stars.

 

(I don't live with my gf yet unfortunately )

[Taramere]

I think the root of the matter is he is scared that if we were to get married, he would have to give this up. I think he still thinks that this porn hurts me. I think I need to tell him that I love every part of him and accept him just the way he is. I think I need to let him know that he can continue this habit when we are married if he wants to. It does not bother me. I need to let him know I will always make sure he has his space and alone time. I will go on shopping trips or on jogs so he can have his alone/porn time.

 

You're sounding less like a partner to this guy, and more like an understanding mother who is trying to figure out how much space she needs to give her 13 year old son.

 

You say you are willing to plan your life around his porn viewing. That's up to you, but perhaps it would be wise to consider the consequences long term. However crazy about this guy you are right now, if you marry him then sooner or later he's going to graduate to family member status. Somebody who you love, but who nonetheless sometimes irritates the hell out of you.

 

When you're feeling that way, he'll still be locked into the entitlement mode you helped to foster in him. That sense of entitlement that expects you to scurry around fitting your activities into his porn viewing timetable....and it'll be understandable that he has this expectation. You'll only have yourself to blame, because that's who you were willing to be at the start in order to get a ring on your finger.

[Floridaman]

Well porn in of itself isn't that bad I think. But saving pictures of hot chicks on your computer... that's pushing it imo. I would never ever do that.

 

I'm in a loving relationship at the moment where for me pleasuring my girlfriend is my no.1 priority, however I have trouble orgasming sometimes so porn and alone time takes care of that but I would never in my right mind dream of saving pics. Also to add: bjs + sex whenever you want it > sitting alone in the dark wanking to porn stars.

I had LOTS of pics - straight sex, foreplay, softcore, hardcore (nothing weird) - on my HD, plus videos. It was like 3 gigabites.

 

Didn't want to delete them. Wanted to have a "stash" much like an alcoholic has a bottle hidden somewhere...

But thinking it over, and remembering what women like DreamingofTigers said in another porn thread, decided to just clear the drive...

 

Have been tempted sev. times to quickly find some pics... maybe just some pics of women in bikinis.

I know that wouldn't be wrong and a lot of guys view those bikini sites, but still, looking at those revealing bikini shots would get me to lusting.... I could download those kind of pics to my laptop, but that would only get me started again and could lead to other downloads...

 

Just seeing a woman in a tight shirt gets me to thinking... let alone waitreseses and clerks who wear low-top shirts that reveal NEARLY EVERYTHING when they bend..... (yes, we guys notice, so you're not foolin' anyone).

Love looking at women and love sex. I can't stop those feelings.

 

I know all the porn websites after all. Still have images of the women in my mind, unfortunately, and wish I didn't remember this. Fortunately, the memories are becoming a little fuzzier.

[dreamingoftigers]

I had LOTS of pics - straight sex, foreplay, softcore, hardcore (nothing weird) - on my HD, plus videos. It was like 3 gigabites.

 

Didn't want to delete them. Wanted to have a "stash" much like an alcoholic has a bottle hidden somewhere...

But thinking it over, and remembering what women like DreamingofTigers said in another porn thread, decided to just clear the drive...

 

Have been tempted sev. times to quickly find some pics... maybe just some pics of women in bikinis.

I know that wouldn't be wrong and a lot of guys view those bikini sites, but still, looking at those revealing bikini shots would get me to lusting.... I could download those kind of pics to my laptop, but that would only get me started again and could lead to other downloads...

 

 

 

Just seeing a woman in a tight shirt gets me to thinking... let alone waitreseses and clerks who wear low-top shirts that reveal NEARLY EVERYTHING when they bend..... (yes, we guys notice, so you're not foolin' anyone).

Love looking at women and love sex. I can't stop those feelings.

 

I know all the porn websites after all. Still have images of the women in my mind, unfortunately, and wish I didn't remember this. Fortunately, the memories are becoming a little fuzzier.

 

Takes about two years for most of it to dissipate but i do find that when i am seriously stressed (i.e. having to kick my husband out) that some of the imagery came back, in fact some of the stuff that didn't arouse me in the first place, but now that it is two years later my template has changed and it seems that the porn images are simply part of a stress reaction now. I doubt they will ever completely go away, but it is much better then having my life controlled and managed by them on a day to day basis.

 

I will be free two years March 19, with only one slip this past week, (which really didn't do much for me thank God).

Edited February 20, 2011 by dreamingoftigers
conclusion

[clemsonbelle425]

Thanks again for your advice! We've come a long ways--I don't think about the porn anymore. I don't know this, but I feel that he is slowly giving it up. I told him I want to get married & have children someday. I think he is finally realizing what is important--me. I think he's maturing--even at 29. Not that porn is immature, but porn this excessive when you are in a relationship is hard cause it takes a lot of time away from couple time. The main thing is married to me, he always wants to maintain his privacy. He hiked the Appalachian Trail on his own & basejumps. He is his own person. I also think some alone time is important and time to do your own hobbies & be your own person. I love him so much! He is amazing, and since I last posted I graduated skydiving school (AFF) & am skydiving with him. He is my coach! Moral of the story for me is to always be honest in a relationship and live every day to the fullest. Things are never better! Thanks for getting me through my tough time!

[guy777]

He needs to understand why he's doing it. Why it's important to him. And what it's costing him. Once he really faces up to all of those questions, he will realize your relationship with him is infinitely more important than his reasons using it. At that point he'll have the motivation to give up the porn. You will then reap benefits of him doing so. Right now you are sacrificing for something that really isn't worth sacrificing for.

 

You sound very understanding and emotionally mature, but once again this isn't something worth sacrificing for. Throwing a fit isn't the way to handle this. You're doing great. But I think guys in a relationship who are into porn really need to take a deep exploration of those questions I posed above.

 

I know for me it's not about me liking the porn stars better than the woman I'm with. I read a lot of women thinking that way, and I don't think that's true in most cases. For me it's about switching the channels around in my mind quickly to reach max arousal. The problem comes when the mind gets wired to work that way, and it harms sexual experience with a real person. To me, that's just not worth it. So I've identified the reason and cost, and I came up with my motivation. I still slip up sometimes, but if his reasons are similar to mine, he should want to quit. Maybe it's not costing him anything, so it's fine for him. However that would be hard for me to believe, and I think rare.

Edited May 13, 2011 by guy777

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I like porn, but I don't save it to my computer. I look at websites, and then click off.

 

The truth is that this is an obsession. And you need to figure out together how to break it. It sounds like he has a sex addiction.

[thatone]

I've come a long way in accepting porn. I am and grew up in a Christian home where porn is considered the enemy.

 

and so did he, i'll bet. which explains your conundrum.

 

the people i bought my house from had to sell it to pay for their son's attorneys. he's in for 25 to 40 for multiple date rapes. they were 'good christians' too. look where it got them and their son.

 

going shopping while he does his thing isn't gonna solve his problems or yours. your problem is he isn't the good christian you want him to be, he's sexually repressed by religion, so he acts out his fantasies with the porn. the only reason he isn't in vegas with 3 hookers right now is because he convinces himself that the 'good christian' thing to do is stay with you.

 

you want to put religion above your social and sexual life? join a convent.

[Floridaman]

Originally Posted by clemsonbelle425

I've come a long way in accepting porn. I am and grew up in a Christian home where porn is considered the enemy.

 

and so did he, i'll bet. which explains your conundrum.

 

the people i bought my house from had to sell it to pay for their son's attorneys. he's in for 25 to 40 for multiple date rapes. they were 'good christians' too. look where it got them and their son.

So atheist-believing parents don't have problems with their kids?

 

The parents you reference - their children's actions somehow negate the good religion generally provides society?

 

Does not compute.

your problem is he isn't the good christian you want him to be, he's sexually repressed by religion, so he acts out his fantasies with the porn. the only reason he isn't in vegas with 3 hookers right now is because he convinces himself that the 'good christian' thing to do is stay with you

You don't know that.

you want to put religion above your social and sexual life? join a convent.

So you agree what he's doing is wrong, and not good for her. Yet somehow, she's putting religion above her social and sexual life?

going shopping while he does his thing isn't gonna solve his problems or yours. .

Absolutely agree with you there, though.

Edited May 13, 2011 by Floridaman

[darellone]

If a guy is says he is "unsure if he wants to get married" to you, it's not the same thing as not being ready yet. He may never be ready to marry you.

 

As far as I know, guys don't have a trouble with commitment when they are sure that they have found the right person. They (we?) tend to be impulsive when they think they have found what they are looking for. I just want to caution you that this your one basket of eggs could disappoint.

 

I don't think this indecency is the issue. He can marry you and easily hide it from you. Easily. But maybe he has not found the body type he is looking for, or something else, I don't know. If you talk, it will come out eventually. I don't think love is everything for most guys.

[thatone]

So atheist-believing parents don't have problems with their kids?

 

The parents you reference - their children's actions somehow negate the good religion generally provides society?

 

Does not compute.

You don't know that.

 

So you agree what he's doing is wrong, and not good for her. Yet somehow, she's putting religion above her social and sexual life?

Absolutely agree with you there, though.

 

sure, non religious people have issues too. issues they have to deal with, they don't have religion to fall back on to explain away every issue they don't want to confront.

 

yes, when you use religion as a crutch to explain/justify yourself or someone else you are putting religion above your own life, and your own relationships. she doesn't like his porn habit because she came from a 'christian home', she's better than that. in fact she is doing him a favor by putting aside her beliefs to accommodate him, what a giving person she is.

 

that's what's great about religion, isn't it? you can twist it into whatever you want it to be, and not have to take any personal responsibility for issues you want to skip over, you can just assign those to your religion. you can always put yourself on a pedestal above someone else, because you have your religion, you're better than they are.

 

and that's usually the part where that religious person comes in and tells us that they're proud of giving their life to jesus or allah or whoever it is and in so many words think lesser of the rest of us because we haven't done the same. they'll pray for us! and we should be thankful, because they're always right.

 

it's like a permanent get out of jail free card.

 

except when you wind up in an actual jail, like the son of the previous owners of my house, then it doesn't work....until the prison chaplain gets there and then he can start over from square one, and make himself feel better about being in prison by telling himself that he's different than the person who wound up there to start with.

 

"that other guy raped those 4 women, not me, i'm with jesus now."

 

 

so the answer to your question Floridaman is yes, people who socially/sexually repress their children, friends, and neighbors negate ALL of the good that religion does. just because they do it to a lesser extent than the third world societies that refuse to let women learn to read and write, for example, doesn't make them good, it just makes them less evil.

 

and don't take it the wrong way clemsonbelle, it's not your fault. as you say, you were raised that way. every issue your parents, friends, and neighbors didn't want to deal with on their own they passed off to religion. that's why your boyfriend/fiancee couldn't grow up sexually when he was in his early 20s, so that's why he has the porn addiction, and that's why you don't know how to confront him about it and deal with his issue.

 

if you really wanna deal with his issues convince him to find a therapist, not a priest.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Religion should be a choice, rather than just something that shields you.

 

I consider myself a Christian, but I have books of ALL religions in my library. And I have read them. I am very spiritual, and don't necessarily believe that Jesus is the only way; I think there's truth in all religions.

 

Back on topic:

 

I think the OP's problem is that he's not ready to give up the porn. Not that looking at, or saving, porn to your computer is necessarily wrong. But when it takes over your life, and you'd rather look at random girls, rather than your own girlfriend/fiance, then you've got a sex addiction and it needs to be taken care of.

 

I agree and disagree with FloridaMan. I don't feel he needed to throw away all his porn. IMO, that's overreacting. However, there is a difference between using porn as a substitute (when you're not having sex with a girl or in a relationship with one), and obsessing over it when you have a girl in your life already who loves you.

 

Porn should always be a second option. It should never be the first one.

[Floridaman]

Religion should be a choice, rather than just something that shields you.

 

I consider myself a Christian, but I have books of ALL religions in my library. And I have read them. I am very spiritual, and don't necessarily believe that Jesus is the only way; I think there's truth in all religions.

 

Back on topic:

 

I think the OP's problem is that he's not ready to give up the porn. Not that looking at, or saving, porn to your computer is necessarily wrong. But when it takes over your life, and you'd rather look at random girls, rather than your own girlfriend/fiance, then you've got a sex addiction and it needs to be taken care of.

Agree with you here, Leaning.

 

I agree and disagree with FloridaMan. I don't feel he needed to throw away all his porn. IMO, that's overreacting. However, there is a difference between using porn as a substitute (when you're not having sex with a girl or in a relationship with one), and obsessing over it when you have a girl in your life already who loves you.

 

Porn should always be a second option. It should never be the first one.

Personally, methinks it should be the LAST option.

 

Like DreamingOfTigers, I have slipped (once), but it was very mild, so I'm not addicted anymore.

 

Gotta disagree on this one, Leaning. Trashing the trash has only helped me.

 

Now, I'm not saying a guy looking at photos of naked women once in a while, or viewing bikini or topless bikini pics, etc., is doing something really wrong (as I said, used to view women in bras in the catalogs bec. was too ashamed to buy porn), but like you said, to make it a crutch and it becomes an addiction, that's harmful.

 

Plus, I don't want my wife discovering my nasty habit. She has never asked me about it and I don't want the embarassment that could come upon discovery. If she ever asks, can truthfully say I have no pornography on my HD.

 

Admit I used it as a substitute as my wife's drive isn't as high as I'd like, plus she witheld for months...... which was hard on me and my self confidence.

 

Unfortunately, got too involved in porn so I am glad I ditched it all and have no regrets on doing that. More men should do that.

Yes, I still remember the women's faces. Those stick-out in my mind even more than images of the acts...

[40 Fonzarelli]

Floridaman...how did u kick the habit?

 

I know I need to stop as well. At this point, porn turns me on more than my gf because its wild and crazy and regular making love just doesnt turn me on much. Have guys had much success with candeo?

[ladyinlimbo]

Thanks again for your advice! We've come a long ways--I don't think about the porn anymore. I don't know this, but I feel that he is slowly giving it up. I told him I want to get married & have children someday. I think he is finally realizing what is important--me. I think he's maturing--even at 29. Not that porn is immature, but porn this excessive when you are in a relationship is hard cause it takes a lot of time away from couple time. The main thing is married to me, he always wants to maintain his privacy. He hiked the Appalachian Trail on his own & basejumps. He is his own person. I also think some alone time is important and time to do your own hobbies & be your own person. I love him so much! He is amazing, and since I last posted I graduated skydiving school (AFF) & am skydiving with him. He is my coach! Moral of the story for me is to always be honest in a relationship and live every day to the fullest. Things are never better! Thanks for getting me through my tough time!

 

With all due respect, Clem, I think you are so deeply in love with this guy and you worship the ground he walks on that you aren't really able to see things objectively.

 

Seems to me that you're trying to convince us - and more importantly yourself - that his porn addiction is not really an issue. You need to get honest with yourself. Go talk to a counselor or therapist who specializes in relationships or couples therapy.

 

Yes, most guys view porn, I accept that too..........but when you're in a serious relationship and your porn collection is growing and you're actually saving pics, that's more than just the usual 'guy thing'......that's an addiction and an obsession...and it's a huge red flag.

 

Imagine how you will feel if you DO marry him and you're pregnant with your first child...........and you're feeling large and hormonal and not that attractive......and he's collecting even more and more sexy pics. How are you going to feel then? He's not just going to 'stop' once there's a ring on your finger.

 

And ask yourself WHY you would be so willing to leave the house for him to have his 'jerk off time'? That is bent and I'm sorry but that indicates to me that you're to the point of being desperate for this guy, to the point where you're willing to make ridiculous compromises and sacrifices..........and that it's all about him and his needs. WTH?

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who, whenever you have sex, you have to wonder if he's really into it with you OR is he really fantasizing about the last xxx pic he saved.

 

How is your sex life? You've never mentioned it.

 

Do you find he's often not in the mood or unable to get it up because he's already MB'd a few times that day and is spent? If that's the case, his porn habit is negatively impacting the level of intimacy between you two. If he'd prefer to get off to pics of airbrushed skanks on a computer to getting off by/with someone he's in love with/who loves him, that screams huge red flag. And if you'd still consider marrying him despite all of this, you really need to talk to someone.

 

Why are you willing to make all of the concessions? Why is this all about YOU accepting his needs and behaviors and not him considering YOURS? Why are you the one who's doing all of the bending and understanding and accepting? What about your feelings?

 

What about the fact that he's got hundreds of soft porn pics he's saving on his computer?

 

Sorry but there are tons of red flags here but you seem to be too willing to overlook them. I think you're going to be in for a world of hurt.

 

And if you're so wanting to marry him, why aren't you talking to him about this all? If you're feeling that you want to marry him that should mean that he's your best friend and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and keep these things to yourself. You should be able to have open discussions with him about anything and everything. But that doesn't seem to be the case. Not good.

[Floridaman]

Floridaman...how did u kick the habit?

 

I know I need to stop as well. At this point, porn turns me on more than my gf because its wild and crazy and regular making love just doesnt turn me on much. Have guys had much success with candeo?

Happy to answer, Fonz.

I am no expert on porn nor getting off additictions, but what really helped me was reading a LS thread on porn.

DreamingOfTigers posted a lot in the thread,

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3063645&postcount=93

 

The OP in the referenced thread was a woman complaining that her child's father ran out of the hospital like 5 mins. after she delivered their child so he

could go home and jack-off to porn videos.

DreamingOfTigers' hubby sexually ignored her and MB'd to porn instead.

 

I credit her and You Go Girl for helping me get off porn.

 

------

 

DreamingOfTigers posted why she equated her man as cheating when she viewed porn. She said a guy viewing porn would be comparable in her eyes to her bringing a guy over to the couple's home "only to kiss and cuddle with...."

 

Initially, was gonna reply and disagree with her.

"Porn doesn't affect me..."

"It's just a substitute..."

"I'm not lusting after those women I see in the videos...."

 

Plus, my wife was long-time withholding , sometimes as long as a year, so I justified the frequent porn used bec. my wife wouldn't let me ML to her...

 

Yet the more I thought about it, in writing my response, the more I realized DreamingOfTigers was right!!

I was lusting towards the women and the acts they did. I wanted to be in the man's place and do those things with her.

 

--------

Got really dependent on it after my wife moved out of state for family and financial reasons (we weren't maritally separated, and I'm moving in with her now).

 

It got to where I was MB'ing to porn up to 3X in one day !!! (on some days).

Noticed my hands shaking. So I felt like an alcoholic or something.

 

Stopped viewing porn but didn't trash my 3GB collection just yet.

 

Even stated that later in that thread. You Go Girl called that to my attention,

"Why not, Fla. Man? What's stopping you?"

Admitted I posted that to have someone "remind" me of what I needed to do.

 

Wanted to keep a stash, like an alcholic. No one would know, right? What could it hurt?

Nah... Just went cold-turkey and deleted all of it..... Never felt better.

Of course, as it was deleting (and boy, did it free-up a lot of HD space !!) had some second thoughts... but didn't stop it.

 

Did pray about it a little , but I give a lot of credit to loving women like DreamingOfTigers and You Go Girl ....

 

Read that thread and maybe it will convince you as well.

 

The link points to a single response... Click on the link top right to view the entire thread. I know it's long but you will gain something out of reading it, Fonz. It affected me.

 

Your experience may vary, but that's what turned it around for me.

Edited May 14, 2011 by Floridaman

[40 Fonzarelli]

Wow that really shows how serious it can get. I know I have a problem but its really tough. But I know that I don't want to live my life like that and don't want to miss out on someone great. I haven't touched my porn in a week but I haven't erased the folder yet. 50 GB of movies which I know I will regret if I relapse. Ive erased it all once before.

[Floridaman]

Wow that really shows how serious it can get. I know I have a problem but its really tough.

Yeah, it is tough. Think I'd grown tired of it all anyway. I didn't have a big problem kicking it, though, once I mentally realized it wasn't something I wanted to do anymore, just made my mind to stop.

 

Will admit I did slip once. About a month ago, did a quick web search for a couple of pics. Didn't download any of it. Still, I've been mostly free since Oct.

But I know that I don't want to live my life like that and don't want to miss out on someone great. I haven't touched my porn in a week but I haven't erased the folder yet. 50 GB of movies which I know I will regret if I relapse. Ive erased it all once before.

Was surprised that I didn't relapse. Like you, I had cleared other collections only to return to the habit within a month or so.

 

50 GB is a lot of space!! I never kept a large collection, and frequently whittled it down. Had maybe 6 videos and perhaps 20 pics.

 

Tried not to let it interfere with my marriage. Indeed, I rationalized my wife's withholding drove me to it.

 

However, have realized the time I wasted on viewing the pics, I could have invested that time in cuddling and trying to get closer to her. That might have helped solve the lack of physical affection issue that drove me crazy.

 

I'll never get that time I could have shared with her back again -- instead I wasted it on soemthing worthless. I look back with a lot of regrets on that end.