WindyWaves Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I am a bisexual woman in a lesbian relationship. We have been together since we were both very young- 17 and 18 years old. We’ve been together over 8 years now. We live together. My family disowned me over my sexuality right out of high school. I have had no contact with my parents in over 6 years and rarely talk to my cousins. She grew up in the foster system so doesn’t have much of a support system either. We’ve been each others everything for 8 years which I now understand was not healthy at all. We decided to break up last week. There are several things going on that have led to this. I don’t have nearly as much of a sex drive as she does so we don’t have sex very often. We’ve been through a lot of rough times together so there were months at a time where we didn’t have any sex. We’ve always cuddled a lot and have always felt very lovey-dovey. She has a higher sex drive than I do. I can without for months where ideally, she wants sex several times a week. I fantasize about men a lot but I don’t know if I want to be with a man. It may just be fantasy and nothing more. I don’t truly know since I’ve never been with a man. But then again I know many straight women who have lesbian fantasies but they would never act on them. About two years ago, an attractive male coworker started flirting with me a lot. At first, it was all very innocent and mostly joking type stuff. It started getting a little more serious and I found myself really attracted to him sexually. I wasn’t in love with him, just strongly attracted to him. Nothing ever happened and I always made it clear to him that I was not interested even though secretly I was. I am strongly against cheating so never once thought about cheating. I felt terribly guilty even about the flirting so I told my partner what was going on. She was extremely hurt. We went to therapy for a little while and eventually moved passed it. I think that had a very negative impact on my sexuality. It was such a horrible and chaotic time for us. We stayed together but I learned to suppress my sexuality as a way to cope. I think she sort checked out of the relationship after that. We have grown apart recently. We’re not as affectionate towards each other. In fact, we kind of annoy each other for the most part but I never thought that I didn’t want to be with her. We definitely have communication issues. But we also have a lot of fun together. I think she just gets frustrated with me because I am very clingy. My parents were overprotective and always made me feel incompetent. She learned to be independent and strong at a young age. I still have trouble doing things by myself. I know I need to work on this. We started to become like room mates, or best friends rather than lovers. There are other things but I don’t want to ramble on. So anyway, we talked about the options for about a month. Finally, last week, we mutually decided that we should probably break up. We decided to go to a therapist to see if this is the best decision or if we are just being unrealistic about what love is. We decide that we will take things slow. The next day, she admitted to me that she likes a woman in her department. We work together, but I am in a different department. She has supposedly liked this woman for over a year now. I was not as hurt about it as I thought I would be so that made me think that we made the right decision. We didn’t get into too much detail but I told her that I was okay with it. The day after that, she tells her coworker that she likes her. They started texting back and forth, etc, etc. My ex told me everything and was very upfront. It hurt my ego a little bit but I still managed to be okay with it. A few days later, my ex says that she noticed that I am being distant. We have a discussion and I admit to her that it hurts my feelings. My ex reveals that she is very hurt about our breakup. She cries and tells me that she is still deeply in love with me and that it hurts her deeply to know that the person that she loves does not find her sexually fulfilling. She tells me that she needs this as a “distraction”. I still love her very much and don’t want her to be hurt. We agree that she can continue with her coworker as a distraction and that we will take things slowly. Our finances, our lives, etc, are very much tied together. We cannot afford to just drop everything and go our separate ways. We don’t want one or the other to end up with debt we got into together. We also want to remain friends afterwards. SO, that weekend we had a company party. It was very strange not sitting next to each other. Later on in the evening, I leave with a few friends to go grab a bite to eat. My ex stays and says she’ll get a ride home from someone. She gets home very late that night. In the morning she tells me that she went to her coworkers house and they kissed. She promises they did nothing more and I believe her (she is not a liar). At first I was okay with it, but after having some time to think about it, I went crazy. I screamed and yelled at her. I called her a whore and slut. I told her that it was too soon and that I can’t sleep in the same bed. I told her I can’t be around her anymore. Her defense is that I said it was okay. She said she felt really depressed and had been drinking. She said she didn’t know I was going to react like this. I told her that I thought we agreed to take it slow and that she was just going to flirt, not kiss her the next day. After an entire day of ups and downs, of crying and yelling, she decides to spend the night at a friends. I saw her again this morning and we talked about things. She said she told her coworker about how upset I was about the kiss and that she needed to focus on working things out with me before she can pursue a relationship with her. We are going to continue going to a therapist. It’s only been a day but I already feel like my ex is going to build up resentment for me for making her stop things with this other woman. I know that I am not being unreasonable, but my ex has been my best friend and I don’t want her to hate me. At the same time, I am still very hurt about everything that is going on. Part of me wants to say forget all of this, let’s just stay together. Another complication is that we both applied to schools and may be attending a university in 8 months. This is another source of stress and worry for us both. I don’t know where I’ll be in a few months or if I’ll even get in. It’s just all been so crazy. I don’t know if I have any one specific question, I am just looking for some advice I guess. I don’t know if we are making the right decision, although, after all that’s happened, I don’t know if we could ever go back. I’m hurting a lot right now and feel so lost.
poopierabbit Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I'm unclear how having a "diversion," or emotional and/or physical affair with a third party helps reconciliation between a couple. As you've mostly pointed out, it doesn't. I'm heterosexual and had the same issues with sex. My girlfriend and I were simply not on the same page with regard to sexuality and sex drive. It just cannot work over the long term if both partners are not completely committed to solving the issue. My advice? Call it quits. It's obvious she's reaching out to someone else anyway.
Author WindyWaves Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 We got into an argument yesterday and it became very clear to me that she's wanted out for a long time. I feel so stupid for falling for the "distraction" bit. I cared so much for that I was even willing to let her pursue another woman. How stupid. I feel played and used. For the most part, we've been saying that it's a mutual thing and it's no one's fault but last night she tried to make me feel like a terrible person. I am so sad and angry now. It's hard for me to even look at her face although we have to live together for the time being. At the start, we said we wanted to remain friends but I don't know if that's possible. I feel so hurt and betrayed. Especially since I know she's angry and building resentment because I made her stop her relationship with that other woman. I am also hurt that she would even put me in that position. She stopped caring about me. I guess I know better now.
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