Boyfriend's Lack of Interest?

[wheelzgurl]

Hi Guys,

 

This is my second time posting here. First time was from a previous relationship which I ended Nov '09.

 

Now I've been dating a new guy for almost a year. When we first started dating we were very passionate, making out for HOURS and having sex 3-4 times a week. He rarely initiated and I mostly came to him first, but I was okay with this as long as he responded when I initiated. Then 3-4 months in things started to dwindle... still very affectionate and loving but the making out stopped and the sex became very sparse. I would begin to initiate and he would not show any interest. He wouldn't out right reject me, but would just not respond to my advances.

 

At first I thought it was because my boyfriend had two roommates and they lived in a very odd set-up. To save money they shared an industrial shop/garage setup (no bedrooms), so we rarely got the place to ourselves. But they moved out back in October and we still aren't having sex very often (once a month on average). Plus we have rented hotel rooms on a few occasions and all he would do is fall asleep early. I've even put on lingerie and tried to entice him on a couple occasions, but he doesn't act interested and I get turned off. It makes me feel unattractive.

 

I'm having issues mainly with him not initiating and when I do initiate he doesn't respond. I've tried really really hard not to let it affect my self-confidence but it’s starting to wear me down. I'm starting to lose interest in sex myself and so now I'm to the point where I'm afraid to initiate because I can't stand the feeling of him not wanting me. It hurts so badly to feel rejected.

 

I've communicated to him my feelings and how hurt I feel when he is constantly disinterested in me. He tells me it has nothing to do with me and that he has had this issue before with prior girlfriends. He just doesn't get "the urge" as strongly as he used to. He chalks it up to getting older but he is only 32! He says he still finds me incredidbly beautiful and he is so sorry that his lack of sex drive is hurting me. I know he has image issues and because he is overweight. He gets tired during sex and likes me to be on top most of them time. I’ve tried to tell him repeatedly that I find him very attractive and call him “stud” and other nicknames. Since he doesn’t think he is attractive he doesn’t believe me.

 

I'm 24 and recently went through some major weight loss so my libido is soaring compared to what it used to be. But with my recent change in appearance I already have some insecurities which are now growing because I can't feel his desire for me.

 

I just want to feel him want me... we are supposed to be moving out soon and I'm concerned that I'm not going to be happy. He is perfect in every other way except this one very important aspect. I don't want to leave him over this, but I don't want to get married and then years down the line get divorced over this. The lack of sex is making me depressed and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. I hope that he would try and lose weight because I think that’s one major contributor to his lack of libido. We signed up for a gym 4 months ago and he has been there twice plus he hasn't adjusted his diet to try to lose weight at all.

 

I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I don't want to enter into a sexless marriage/LTR. Is there anyone in this community that has experience with this? To the rude people, I don't want to hear that he is gay or getting it somewhere else, because I know this isn't the case.

 

 

He is still very loving and affectionate. He does the sweetest things for me and makes me feel very special. We cuddle on the couch and have a great time with each other. Marriage/family has been discussed and we have plans to move out in April. I’m very excited about this and I hope it will help our current issue, but I don’t want to be naïve and expect moving out to “fix us”.

 

I love him so much and all I want to do is spend the rest of my life with him and have a family together.

[Seaofclouds]

It sounds like he has a low libido. It could be natural, but it could also be related to a medical condition. Issues with blood pressure, depression, and diabetes (just to name a few) can cause a lower libido. In relationships with mixed libidos, it's important for both people to communicate with their partner and to compromise. You could ask him to go to the doctor for a general physical if he hasn't had one in a while. This would be an opportunity for the doctor to see if he has any issues going on (such as the blood pressure and stuff like that) and also a chance for him to talk to his doctor if he was comfortable doing so.

 

You could try counseling, but it really might not help change his libido (unless you guys go to sex therapy). Good luck!

[TabulaRasa]

Hi, Wheezgurl.

 

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this experience. My boyfriend of nearly four years and I have a similar situation, and it's not an easy thing, at all.

 

In our case, from early on, I was the initiator probably the most often, but he did initiate from time to time, and was receptive to my initiating. I didn't think much of it, because of the two of us, he's the more introverted and emotionally reserved, and I'm somewhat more outgoing and much more open, emotionally. In our years together, and in getting to know his family and some things about his past, I understand a lot of why he is how he is, and have gotten some valuable perspective.

 

Over time, I experienced much the same sort of dwindling that you describe. I am in the same boat as you where I now avoid initiating, too, because I know what the lack of response to my intiation feels like, and I just don't want to go there, anymore. We communicate about it, but it doesn't really change. I not only am left feeling sad, I also have anxiety because I worry that I'll come off like a broken record, and that such bad feelings will build up that it will even further exacerbate the situation, to the point where there's resentment, etc. And the less frequency, I know the worse it will get.

 

My boyfriend has some issues. He is aware of them, and has done counseling, both before we began our relationship, and since we've been together. He has very low self-esteem, and though he is not overweight, as you mention with your boyfriend, he suffers from disordered thinking regarding body image - he has body dysmorphic disorder, and has always been self-conscious, and is fairly uncomfortable with physical affection. He has told me that as a small child, he would always flinch when hugged, and that it caused problems, offended people, etc. so he would try not to, but it is involuntary. I feel like he forced himself out of his comfort zone when we were a new couple, so as to appear as "normal" as possible in that regard, and not scare the new girl away, but then, when we became a more established, solid couple, either doesn't want to/feel the need to force it, anymore, or maybe it's just too exhausting to. I don't think he deliberately misled me...I just feel like he tried VERY hard early on, but has either become complacent or finds it too difficult to keep putting that much effort into it. Still, I am a person to whom physical affection comes very naturally, and it pains me to go without it. I don't feel insecure about myself, but I feel profoundly sad that there is the problem, and we don't seem to be able to address it sufficiently.

 

I have often wondered if he experienced abuse of some kind, his aversion to touching/being touched is so ingrained, but he either truly does not have any recollection of any instance of this, or he does but cannot/will not speak openly of it, because I've gently inquired. He says he wished he COULD pinpoint some sort of occurrence that would explain why he has such a hard time in this way, but that if anything like that did happen, it's a blank to him. I'm easily his most serious, long-term relationship, and he was always one who did not date much. He is 31 years old.

 

On paper, we are a wonderful couple, and friends tell us all the time that we are so great for one another, that we seem so cute together and so happy. They would never know that there is this underlying issue. Apart this issue with showing affection physically, our relationship is exactly what I want. We are a great match in every other way, and it makes me not want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. He is sweet, kind, loving, we have the same sense of humor and share many of the same interests, he is good-looking and talented, a very hard worker, and, apart from the issue at hand, has always seemed, by all accounts, to adore me. He does thoughtful things, makes romantic gestures, surprises me with special things, he bought us a house, he loves my family, admires me and the work that I do, we adopted a dog together, we have talked marriage from very early on. I have never had any reason to believe that it's just a "me" thing, and that the problem is specific to me. We do all kinds of things together, have fun, truly appreciate one another. I know that he is just as crushed as I am that he has this barrier, because we've discussed it. But, still, nothing changes. It's very hard not to feel like something is badly wrong, and that you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[wheelzgurl]

Tabularose,

 

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I'm sorry that you are experiencing the same discomfort that I am, but I feel slightly better knowing that I'm not alone.

 

Your post made my heart leap into my throat. You are in my position but three years from now. Hes been much better affection wise but I just don't feel that desire from him. Every once in a while its there... but not enough. He does thoughtful things for me all the time. He isn't much of a romantic person but neither am I. He likes to take care of me and I feel truly loved by him. Everything is truly great except for our sex life. No guy is perfect and I completely understand that... but I gotta say I'm having a really rough time with this.

 

The other night we had sex... and later I found out that he felt forced and didn't really want to. But he felt like he had to go along with it so not to hurt my feelings anymore. Now I don't know what to do. I want to stop initiating completely because now I feel like I'm forcing him everytime I come to him for sex. Its made it so I can't enjoy myself anymore... I can't orgasm with him because all I can think about is how he doesn't want to be doing this.

 

I'm at a loss for what to do.

Edited February 17, 2011 by wheelzgurl

[Spices]

Poor guy. It's most likely due to low self image, bad diet, and health issues. I guarantee you that if he becomes dedicated to loosing weight & takes on an improved healthy lifestyle then his libido will rise. He just has to make the conscious effort to do so.

[carhill]

Since it's happened, by his own admission, with other ladies in the past, it's pretty clear his libido is driven by the new and different.

'Show me a beautiful woman and I'll show you a man who's tired of ****ing her'

 

Another clue, in the initial part of the OP, was:

 

He rarely initiated and I mostly came to him first, but I was okay with this as long as he responded when I initiated.

 

Since this man has a pattern of this, I doubt it will change, unless he wants to work on changing it, for himself. Apparently, that isn't the case at this time.

[TabulaRasa]

I wish it were so simple for my boyfriend. In his case, the self-image and confidence problem is all in his head, and emotional/mental health problems are not as easily countered as physical ones. He's self-conscious largely because he perceives himself to look unattractive although this is not true, he's very fit and good looking. He also, previous to my knowing him, was symptomatic of an eating disorder, from the sound of it...would purge, etc., and always viewed himself as not being in shape, when in fact, he was dangerously underweight. Together, we do a lot of fitness (healthy, non-obsessive levels), and eat well and I try to gently foster a healthy relationship with eating and eating well. I still do see evidence of unhealthy attitudes toward food/eating, though. Clearly, there are control issues on many levels. I've done a lot of reading on Body Dysmorphic Disorder, including the great book "The Broken Mirror," in the time I've known him, and it's very tricky stuff.

 

The faulty perception isn't just rooted in appearance, it's a confidence thing, overall. He applies it to his professional life. He's a rock star at his work, gets numerous accolades and promotions, is always the head of his class, a trainer, mentor, and general go-to guy, he's his boss's golden boy. But in his heart and in his head, he's inept, a failure, and not doing well enough, which is bull****. He is always setting higher benchmarks, and then, when he reaches them, immediately becomes convinced that they only reason he reached them is because they must not be that big a deal, and he's really not doing that great. He's not critical of others, just of himself. It's all part of the same problem. When I say that I suspect that he was abused, I fully expand that to include emotional abuse (I find that to be more likely than physical, although neither us obviously impossible). I firmly believe that he was berated and harped on, from early on, that he wasn't good enough, and that's set the tone for, well, everything. His family has some toxic stuff going on, and, from what I can tell, always has. We live over a thousand miles away from them and see them sparingly, but this goes back years, and the patterns are set.

 

He knows that he has negative, warped thought patterns about this stuff. But changing thought patterns is horribly difficult. He used to do CBT, but has been away from therapy for a little while, due to life circumstances (master's program, leadership development coursework at his job and several promotions, sitting for the CPA exam this year, so doing a review course)...it just got impossible to schedule. When we last discussed the physical intimacy issues, etc., he said that maybe it was time to go back to CBT, but it's since gotten lost in the wash with all that he's got going on, and if I bring it up, I'll feel like I'm nagging. He'd rather just launch into the next big "improvement" project than address his problems, but I know that when he gets that next promotion, gets his master's, becomes a CPA, all those "improvements will become minimized and no big deal, and it will be on to the next thing that's supposed to make everything better. It kills me when I see how hard he's working on stuff that, when he does obtain it, won't make him any happier, because he'll immediately talk his accomplishments down as no big deal. But, at any rate, he will launch 150% into these tasks, IMO, to avoid dealing with these emotional concerns. It makes sense, from a psych standpoint...it's easier to focus on things that have a prescribed series of steps to complete and accomplish. Dealing with your own mental health is much more trial and error and ambiguous. It's not something that can be mapped and put on a spread sheet, or where you can take some exams and check it off your list of things accomplished.

 

He also, I think, kind of goes through the motions in CBT, feels like his therapist (who, IMO, is very, very good) just tells him what he wants to hear. If he goes in with his mind set against counseling helping him, I don't know that it will help him. Disordered thinking is very, very difficult, and there's this domino effect. Lots of self-sabotage. When you feel this way, you figure you're going to disappoint your partner. So you hold back, and end up...disappointing your partner.

 

Right now, I'm a raw nerve, because he's been at a prestigious and hard-core training for his job, a thousand miles away, since early February, and is due home on Saturday. He takes an average of one business trip a year, but they're usually long weekends, this is the longest we've been apart in the nearly four years we've been together. We've talked, checked in, kept each other updated on what's going on. He's doing some intense projects, which is what he likes to do, but he's not been so absorbed that he hasn't checked in. He sent a bouquet of fresh tulips and candy to my workplace on Valentine's Day, which is not a typical gesture for us (we don't even DO flowers) along with a card saying how sad he was that he couldn't be there for the day and how he couldn't wait to get home to see me. He got me a Tiffany & Co. Elsa Perreti heart shaped necklace for my birthday right before he left (again, we do NOT do expensive jewelry, I buy my sterling silver chains from Kohl's, and admire fancy jewelry from afar...totally blew me away). Regardless of this, I would rather pick him up from the airport and know that he can't wait for us to get home and be physically and emotionally intimate than all the boxes of chocolate and flowers and fancy jewelry in the world. I know that instead, what will happen is that we'll come home, I'll make him my planned late Valentine's Day dinner of polenta, marinara, caesar salad, pinot noir, and red velvet cake for dessert (all his favorites), the house will be spotless, I'll have one of my prettiest dresses on, I'll give him a watercolor painting I did while he was gone, and the poem "Desiderata," as his Valentine's Day present, and we'll probably fall asleep cuddled up, watching something on Netflix. He might hold my hand, but I don't have any expectations of anything more. And it's making me sad.

 

I am starting to worry that our relationship is an experiment for him that's failed, and I don't know what that means for what the next chapter is. He has never indicated that he wants out (and I've pressed, as much as I can, while trying not to come off as insecure and needy, myself).

 

I love him, and I try to do everything right. He's a wonderful person, and I do want a future with him. But I also want to feel wanted. I know that this is him, not me. But I don't know what approaches are going to be effective. I am completely willing, and always have been, to do anything I can to help and support his quest to deal with these issues, and to take responsibility for my role in things in whatever way I can, and control the things that are within my power to control. But I can't do all the work. I don't want to not be with him. I don't want to be with anybody else. I've let him know that if he wants to not be with me, or be with somebody else, that I'm not holding him back. But I don't think that that is the problem. I think he knows that he would have a hard time finding somebody else who is as patient with these issues, who is as supportive of him, and who would stand by him like me. But, for whatever reason, he either can't or won't address them.

Edited February 17, 2011 by TabulaRasa

[carhill]

Perhaps this is a male who 'thinks' relationships?

 

I don't date men, but have encountered women, and was married to one for a decade, who, due to various issues in their psychology, 'act' like they *think* they should in a relationship or marriage but don't *feel* it. Until one observes the casual disconnects in behavior over a long period, it can be hard to tell. Everything *seems* wonderful. Perhaps, it is, to them. Whatever their goal was/is, being achieved, gives them solace and validation.

 

Being very good looking, this man can easily attract women, so, if he has any semblance of a normal male libido, he enjoys their (your) sexual attention and pursuit. Over time, though, he doesn't proactively *feel* anything more substantial, though he does like the attention, validation and companionship.

 

My unhealthy dynamic was, with such women I met, I thought, if I loved them enough and gave them enough empathy and support, I could 'fix' them, and that success would validate me. Harsh life lessons, and MC, taught me that no one can fix anyone and healthy validation comes from within one's own psyche, not from outside.

 

Anyway, some food for thought.

 

My opinion is, if the current dynamic doesn't *feel* healthy, communicate your feelings and listen to the response. If it, after a finite timeline in your own mind, doesn't bode well for your own health, move on. Best advice I ever took. Good luck

[TabulaRasa]

I would say he's def. more of a thinker than a feeler. I think some of this is innate, and some is learned behavior/a coping mechanism. A feeler would not have fared well in his family. I am both a thinker and a feeler.

 

Believe me, I'm fully aware that people cannot be "fixed," they need to want to fix themselves. I work with children with disabilities, and emotional/mental health problems are common comorbidities among the population I work with. I'm definitely NOT the "girl who tries to fix you," but I very definitely am the "girl who will support you in your own efforts to get healthy."

 

When my boyfriend and I first met/became friends, I was emerging slowly from a serious depression. With his support, I was able to work toward changing a lot of things in my life that were causing the depression and/or making it difficult to emerge. He was my rock. When we became romantically involved, I by that point had made tons of progress in my own emotional health...he also has been very supportive of improving my physical health, on which my depression had taken a toll. I credit him for inspiring me to work back into a place of physical fitness, again, and in healthy approaches to handling stress. I guess I have hoped that I could be that person for him, as well. I don't look to fix him, but he knows that I will stand by him. It's not an "I owe him" mentality, it's more of an "I've been there, and I love and respect and admire you, and I will stand by you" mentality.

 

I don't look to him for validation...My own self-confidence is generally quite good (the odd insecurity, as with anybody, but they don't have to do with my desirability...unlike my boyfriend, I dated quite a lot pre-him, never had any need to have my desirability validated). I just look to him for emotional intimacy, and although I bet he would say that we DO have emotional intimacy (and, in truth, I'm SURE I'm the person he's leaps and bounds most emotionally intimate with), I would argue that although he is intimate with me to a point, there is a wall that goes up...if there weren't, we would be able to overcome this physical intimacy thing. I bet, to his view, we definitely ARE intimate...assuredly more intimate than he's ever been with anybody else. It's all in perception.

 

I struggle with the timeline thing, although I hear you. I'm not a big ultimatum person, even in my own mind. How do you assign a timeline to something like this? There's also the old mental pros and cons list. There is much that is GREAT about our relationship...I know I am loved, appreciated, that we are intellectually well-matched (important to both of us), he is a hard worker, a good provider, is supportive of me and my pursuits, is talented and charming, has a great sense of humor, is tirelessly ambitious and dedicated, has great taste, we have similar interests, he loves my family/they love him, and I admire him in so many ways. That all seems like a lot to walk away from, and would be very, very painful.

 

I also always try to remember that nobody is perfect. He has a legitimate, recognized emotional/mental health problem. It's not a behavioral issue, it's not a choice - I work in the education branch of the behavioral psych field, so I am familiar with this. He doesn't want to feel the way he does. What if I had a disability? Would I want somebody to judge me entirely on the basis of that alone? Of course not. Somebody is more than just an illness that they have, and I like to look at the whole person and the whole picture. What about all the good? What about the love?

Edited February 17, 2011 by TabulaRasa

[carhill]

we are supposed to be moving out soon and I'm concerned that I'm not going to be happy.

 

What does this mean?

 

Wrt timelines, you've been together around a year. IME, and I've been married, you're square in the middle of the honeymoon period. If something this serious is on your mind, I'd set a brief timeline, no more than a few months, for things to improve. Do not communicate the timeline, merely your desire for more intimacy and proactive interest in sex by him. Absolutely offer support, as well as suggestions from your experiences, both professional and personal. However, keep to that timeline. If, after that point, you don't *feel* that your needs for intimacy and sex are being met, then that part of your relationship is incompatible. As our psychologist said so eloquently, 'you have a decision to make'.

 

You sound like you want to marry this man. That's what I'm hearing. OK.

 

'I see a future for us and I want it to be a healthy and satisfying one for both of us. Will you join me in couple's counseling to address the issues I've raised about our intimacy styles?'

 

Listen. Accept.

[TabulaRasa]

This is good advice.

[carhill]

Lastly, a suggestion, if my read here is reflective of real life....

 

Even if it is difficult to do so, condense your 'stuff' down into 'man-bites' for your SO to digest. Pick one aspect of one issue and share it as simply and concisely as you can.

 

When dealing with 'stuff' surrounding psychology and emotions, men can become overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed can lead to disconnection; essentially, turning off the part of the brain which receives and *accepts* information and becoming, in behavior, the bobble-headed dog.

 

Since you work in the psych field, you're likely aware of this, but, as a guy, I offer a friendly reminder. Good luck!

[TabulaRasa]

It bears reminding, of course. My general personality is such that I can, at times, have a tendency to overtalk things. It's something I strive to pay attention to in a professional setting, as well. It's one reason I could never be a therapist...while I'm good at listening, I do tend to talk too much. Part of it is being a teacher.

 

At my worst, in this situation, in my darkest nights, I worry that he's just not attracted to me, even though I feel that that's unlikely...I'm not being arrogant, or overvaluing my own charms, trust me, but what I base this on is the fact that when we were first together, and there was more initiating by him/openness to my initiating, I was, in my estimation, less attractive than I am, now. I feel like my health, my appearance, and my mental/emotional outlook is much better than it was when we first got together...when we met, I was clinically depressed, horribly unhappy at a job I felt trapped in, weighed my all-time high and was physically unwell due to stress, extra weight/lack of exercise/poor sleeping and eating patterns (all related to the job and depression), and at a lifetime rock bottom. In the years since, I have physically moved, am working a fulfilling job that I love and that doesn't cause the huge amounts of stress in my life the old one did, I am exercising and have a healthy lifestyle, I sleep more and am more healthy and rested, am half the size I was then, and am not in a perpetual state of at least low-grade anxiety like I used to be.

 

By my estimation, I am healthier, happier, and thus more attractive than when he met me, so it doesn't really make sense that I'd become less attractive to him. I'm not a woman who has "let herself go," if anything, it's the opposite, I've been very conscious to improve, and continue to be. And this is largely due to him and the life I want to build with him, and wanting our life together to be wonderful. I guess I could accept it if I could imagine any reason that he might feel "buyer's remorse," but I feel like there's no real reason for that. I would also imagine that if he had lingering doubts, they'd have come out earlier than four years in.

 

I have to think, too, that if he specifically weren't attracted TO ME anymore, he'd exit the situation, or at the very least, not have asked me to move in, bought a house for us, do any of the other "building a future" things that he does. If he's just not attracted, and the problem is me, then why stay with me? What would he be getting out of it?

[carhill]

'Honey, sometimes, when I feel ignored sexually, it hurts. I'm not asking for the moon here; just xxx and xxx (keep it simple). Can you do that for me?'

 

That says that it doesn't bother you all of the time, so you don't hate him, but it does hurt sometimes and you give him a couple of simple, specific things he can say or do to alleviate that hurt. Man-bites.

 

If he's just not attracted, and the problem is me, then why stay with me? What would he be getting out of it?

 

That's pretty simple. Men like routine. They like the gang at Cheers saying their name when they walk through the door. The bartender gets them the 'usual'. Men are creatures of familiarity. There are reasons why so many divorces, the majority, are sought by women. Some of it is that men cheat and the women leave. In other cases, it's Cheers; he just won't budge. He likes the chair.

[TabulaRasa]

I'm not sure on the routine thing, for him specifically (although it's probably true of a lot of guys, no doubt). He's of the "accomplished it, check, moving on" mentality in general, in his life. I hope I'm not being in denial, here, but I do feel I know him well enough to know that when he feel something isn't working in his life (including relationships...he's had estrangement from family members, for ex.), he exits the situation post haste, doesn't tend to linger because it's routine or comfortable in its routine. He's not really a complacent type, in any aspect of his life that I can think of...forward motion seems to be more his MO.

 

I think that it's more likely that, to him, this IS what works...I don't think he's dissatisfied with the lack of intimacy, or wishing he had it, just with somebody else. If he thought that, he'd get it, and not have any problem getting it, most likely.

 

I do think that he does realize that not every woman would be patient with this, though.

 

I just can't imagine that most men would actively build a future with somebody they don't really want to be with, because it's easier than exiting the situation. I particularly don't believe it of him. He doesn't have any real problem withdrawing from situations he doesn't want to be in. My assumption, then, is that he does want to be in the relationship, but on his terms. Don't even know if this is a conscious thing.

[carhill]

An important distinction to consider is that a man can be an aggressive mover in his business and professional life and a relative impotent in his personal and romantic life. The world sees his success. It doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors. That's his safe haven.

 

With those past women, since he shared that his pattern was similar with all, and roughly equivalent to what it is with you, who ended those relationships? Him or the women. Any patterns there?

 

Sometimes people aren't 'buidling things', they're marking the passage of time in a pleasant way for them. I call is 'coasting'. Remember the compartmentalization between biz/prof and personal. Very common for men.

 

TBH, this kind of stuff should be discussed openly in front of a neutral professional. Those folks make a couple hundred bucks an hour doing what I'm doing here for free. I know because I paid a big psych bill during/prior to my divorce. Spend the money, get the help, make a decision. Me, I'm headed back to the shop to continue paying for the divorce. Good luck

[TabulaRasa]

With those past women, since he shared that his pattern was similar with all, and roughly equivalent to what it is with you, who ended those relationships? Him or the women. Any patterns there?

 

This wasn't me, it was the other poster. There is no pattern, or past women, in my situation. I'm it.

[soserious1]

OP, you folks aren't even married yet and already you're starved for sex and intimacy.

 

I'm here to tell you that this stuff doesn't get better,you should be having the time of your lives sexually, not begging for sex or begging him to go to counseling.

 

My best advise to you? end it, move on, find someone who doesn't need massive fixing in order to enjoy a normal sexual relationship with you.

[Lucky_One]

I would TALK to him about it, and tell him that you are concerned about his health from a physical sense, and help him to set up an appt for a thorough check-up. If he is fat and sedentary, he has about a 22% chance of being diabetic. He also has a greater chance of having hypertension. He could have low testosterone, or even be anemic.

 

First things first - he needs to have a thorough check-up. Men are notoriously bad for not following through with medical stuff, so make the appointment for him (if you can do this in a non-pushy way).

[wheelzgurl]

I'm revisiting this thread because... well I found out something yesterday that explains why I'm having this issue with my sex life. He is bi-sexual and was molested as a child. Ugh.

 

The boyfriend and I moved in together about three weeks ago. We both have yahoo.com accounts and I went to log into mine to check for a sent email to my grandpa. What do I see when I log into yahoo? His sent email box with emails to other men about wanting to hook up with them etc. etc. I immediately closed the window without looking further and was in complete shock.

 

He came home about five minutes after I saw this email. I was a disaster, I couldn't even stop bawling enough to tell him what was wrong. When I finally calmed down enough, I told him what I saw and demanded an honest explanation.

 

Apparently he has been bi-curious for quite a while and has been very ashamed of it. I'm the only person who knows his true sexual preference and he was planning on never telling me (or anyone else for that matter). He says he has never hooked up with anyone since we've been together and its all just talk that gets him excited.

 

He explains he is very committed to me and would never cheat on me no matter what the person's gender was.

 

During the same conversation he explains to me that he was molested as a child which he thinks is to blame for his bi-curiosity. He explains he isn't physically attracted to men and doesn't like to do things with them (he had two sexual interactions with men, one at 17 and another at 20, and he said he didn't enjoy it.), but he is turned on by the taboo of talking about doing things to guys and thats all there is to it.

 

 

I explained to him that I was hurt that he kept this from me and never planned on telling me. And futhermore my trust in him has been severely affected because he has had online sexual relationships with what appears to be a large handful of men since we have been dating.

 

I've come to terms with both his bi-sexuality as well as him talking to men online, after telling him that this could not continue if he wanted to stay with me because I feel its cheating.

 

What I'm having difficulity with is the fact that we've already had a shaky sexual relationship and both factors are obviously at fault. I can't compete against guys! I don't have the right equipment!!! His main preference is women and he tells me that I'm very sexy etc. etc. It makes me hugely insecure... and I also don't know how to handle the factor of his molestation and how to combat that and our sex life.

 

This was just a huge HUGE HUGE wrench thrown into my life. I'm still digesting the news. I just picked out my engagement ring last weekend... what the friggen hell? I can live with the bi-sexuality, he promises he seek therapy to get some closure on the molestation, so it all seems peachy.

 

My worst fear is he will eventually decide he wants to pursue just men and leave me. He promises he wouldn't do that and I'm the one person he is committed to for life.

 

How do I come to terms with my insecurity which has now doubled?

[linwood]

Ok well..I`m not gonna help your insecurity any here but.....

 

Would you be so ready to accept his excuse that his online affairs were just "online excitement" and he wouldn`t follow through with them if his inbox had been full of e-mails from women he was trying to hook up with?

 

I mean, you just busted your boyfriend cheating on you and he`s masterfully deflected it with his bi-sexuality...you`ve even accepted it.

 

You need to back up...