Author Jonno_S Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 There are plenty. They tend to work in IT or finance though. She works in IT. Woops. And she knew I was kidding about the logic thing. I am known for a decent sense of humor AND I will even say that she praises me for my reasoning skills. I wouldn't say that I am more logical than she but I think she would. She even conceded the "female brain" is a factor. I'm not as bad as I made it seem.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Ooooh I think I can see clearly why she got pissed off. She wanted you to really, really want her to go. When she said the hoping to get there in time after work thing, you were supposed to say "I hope you really make it. I will DIE unless you too usher at this thing, I will be on my knees praying to God in the hopes that you, my beloved will be there, otherwise the night will be an utter misery for me, without your sweet presence there". Instead, with perhaps a nonchalant shrug of the shoulders you were like "meh, don't really care if I see you there or not, I'm going anyway". Wow. And what's more, my nonchalance was so that she wouldn't feel pressure to run around and get stressed out. I was just trying to keep things breezy. You didn't mean it like that but, in her head this is what she took it as. But I will say that this after your previous 5 emails is a bit much IMO. She sounds a little insecure and someone who needs constant propping up - i.e. signs that you DO like her, otherwise she fears you don't (just like the joke you posted). Q.E.D.: The title of this thread! I mean that is the point - couldn't she say, "Hmmm...he's a good guy and he cares about me so maybe that one small phrase amid the lines and lines of profuse compliments..."
Author Jonno_S Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 So you like to bake, but you're also straight? How does that work? You mean you like to get baked? That's different. You should be more clear. Maybe that's why the girl got the impression she got. Weak. I've dated at least a couple of women who would get upset about stupid stuff. Just to be upset. Women like that just don't want a relationship to be easy. They could handle it better if you'd just wring them out occasionally. Get fired up and give them hell about something. Take the drama initiative, or else you'll just be playing defense the whole time. A nice guy will be on the defense the whole time, trying to calm things down, trying to show how she got the wrong impression and how he just wants her to be happy. sniff sniff. If that's how she wants to be, you're under no obligation to take her seriously. Keep her on her heels. Knock her on her ass, figuratively. But all this is spot on!
carhill Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Yeah, I've set a few back with the B word. Shuts them right up. I don't care any more. I've had enough of that for one lifetime. Just take that drama and stay away
Author Jonno_S Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 A nice guy will be on the defense the whole time, trying to calm things down, trying to show how she got the wrong impression and how he just wants her to be happy. sniff sniff. If that's how she wants to be, you're under no obligation to take her seriously. Keep her on her heels. Knock her on her ass, figuratively. You know, this is so true. I remember once being somewhere with the first woman, the really crazy one I baked the pie for. That was exactly me except my temper would flair up too much. but I remember once when she was freaking out and I just ignored her. She started packing her things and slamming drawers and her suitcase and then got it all loaded up and ready to go (me full well knowing that she couldn't get the thing out of the place alone). When it hit her that she was kind of stuck, I just said, "You done?" and that was pretty much the end of it. I am absolutely under no obligation to take that crap seriously. Damn, why didn't this info come to me sooner??
zengirl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Totally, of course. Didn't see the smile? If anyone were that arrogant and pompous I would personally shoot them. So how about some props for my contrition? Okay, I have some fighting rules, I'll share (these are for my own sarcastic self): 1. Never use sarcasm or wit during a fight. 2. Never make a joke to diffuse a real fight---no jokes till the fight is over. 3. Never wrap up a fight via text or email. 4. Never blame. FWIW: These have always served me well.
Karmartia Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 She almost seems to be intimidated by your intelligence so she uses the only weapon at her disposal: guilt. Find someone a bit more intelligent.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Okay, I have some fighting rules, I'll share (these are for my own sarcastic self): 1. Never use sarcasm or wit during a fight. 2. Never make a joke to diffuse a real fight---no jokes till the fight is over. 3. Never wrap up a fight via text or email. 4. Never blame. FWIW: These have always served me well. I agree for the most part. I assume you're suggesting that I should not have sent that, but my comment wasn't during a fight and it was actually well received by her. It was sent after a wrap-up which occurred during a decent conversation whose genesis was in a fight over what I viewed as another contrived drama. I thought you peeps would find it humorous (as she did). Edited January 25, 2011 by Jonno_S
Kamille Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Jonno, from reading your OP I'm wondering if your cumulative experiences with women have anything to do with a "savior" syndrome. I mean, honestly, why on Earth was this woman needing so much reassurance about ushering? And why did you reassure her for 5 emails? Do you have a tendency to take your date's anxieties onto your shoulders throughout the process of dating? This could be why you seem to attract women who create problems... Could it be you like to be the savior and therefore you're drawn to women who need saviors? (In other word, who tend to react emotionally to situations and expect others to take care of their emotional needs rather than be responsible for themselves).
zengirl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I agree for the most part. I assume you're suggesting that I should not have sent that, but my comment wasn't during a fight and it was actually well received by her. It was sent after a wrap-up which occurred during a decent conversation whose genesis was in a fight over what I viewed as another contrived drama. I thought you peeps would find it humorous (as she did). Ah! I thought it was while the fight was still ongoing.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Jonno, from reading your OP I'm wondering if your cumulative experiences with women have anything to do with a "savior" syndrome. I mean, honestly, why on Earth was this woman needing so much reassurance about ushering? And why did you reassure her for 5 emails? Do you have a tendency to take your date's anxieties onto your shoulders throughout the process of dating? This could be why you seem to attract women who create problems... Could it be you like to be the savior and therefore you're drawn to women who need saviors? (In other word, who tend to react emotionally to situations and expect others to take care of their emotional needs rather than be responsible for themselves). These certainly are poignant questions. I don't think I attract women like this, however. And the current GF was and seemed very independent when I met her and not in need of a savior at all. I think, however, I have something to do with causing it/adding to it. Check Johan's comment earlier: "A nice guy will be on the defense the whole time, trying to calm things down, trying to show how she got the wrong impression and how he just wants her to be happy. sniff sniff." I hate to admit that's me. And maybe by responding I am legitimizing and reinforcing the behavior. Not good. I definitely need to work on how I respond (or don't respond). Edited January 25, 2011 by Jonno_S
daphne Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I've dated at least a couple of women who would get upset about stupid stuff. Just to be upset. Women like that just don't want a relationship to be easy. They could handle it better if you'd just wring them out occasionally. Get fired up and give them hell about something. Take the drama initiative, or else you'll just be playing defense the whole time. Wow. I hate to say it, but there's a grain of truth in this one. I wouldn't suggest trying this with a non drama queen however.
Woggle Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Wow. I hate to say it, but there's a grain of truth in this one. I wouldn't suggest trying this with a non drama queen however. Very true and non drama queens are the only women I would ever be into. I have dealt with too much real drama to want to deal with manufactured drama.
jenifer1972 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 People who are very logical and low emotion tend to hook up with SO's who are the opposite, ever noticed that?.. Like subconsciously they see the other person fills the gap? Also, in an argument, the cooler and calmer one person gets, usually the more ruffled and illogical the other person gets... So your relationships pull for all this yin/yang stuff.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 So I have taken all of your advice and used it constructively! This same girl made an issue about me accepting a friend request on Facebook and then deleting the item in the news feed (but not the friendship). At some point she saw that I was friends with her and then apparently scoured my history to see when that happened and kind of demanded to know what happened. The girl - the friend looks like a stripper (skinny, pretty enough with obvious implants.) While I like the idea of Johan's approach - knock her on her heals. I didn't in this instance (for bigger-picture reasons). But while all her thoughts and suspicions were, to me, ridiculous and irrational conclusions ("You were being deceptive...you must think she has something on me...you must think I am lacking something") I listened calmly, gave her the proper floor time. Responded to her repeated questions and questions she kept repeating because she didn't like my answer. I calmly answered her argumentative tone w/out getting too argumentative or dismissive. I basically took Zen girl's guidance and let her know that I saw how she could feel this way, but it wasn't meant that way. (I even consulted this post while replying to one of the e-mails.) In all, that impulsive act with little thought that took about .5 seconds took about 2 hours to undo: 3 telephone conversations - first was about 5 minutes after which she said it was resolved, second was over an hour and 3rd about one half an hour. There were also a few lengthy e-mail with somewhat chimerical conclusions. I replied nicely, empathetically and thoroughly despite my thinking that this was really just a non-issue. I personally think she made a mountain out of a mole-hill and tortured herself with it. But all in all, I was able to apply the advice that you folks gave me so it was good! I guess I ran the risk of reinforcing the behavior by responding - but I did in the last e-mail and conversation tell her that I had nothing more to add and that it was up to her to choose whether she was going to get over it or not. And what's better is that we aren't really dating anymore, so I did all this just so that she would not hurt or torture herself further. (I care about her but am moving on.)
fishtaco Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Yeah, she was just looking for a fight. Like zengirl said, you can't sidestep it. Kudos for keeping the situation under control. But know that it'll happen again and again. Eventually you'll get sick and tired of it. Yes, men should do what zengirl said. It show a lot of understanding toward women. But personally I would prefer women to also show some understanding toward men, so both sides could meet in the center. But then again, I also would prefer having super powers and be filthy rich.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Kudos for keeping the situation under control. But know that it'll happen again and again. Eventually you'll get sick and tired of it. It show a lot of understanding toward women. But personally I would prefer women to also show some understanding toward men, so both sides could meet in the center. Thanks. But you got it right, Taco. Last night I got a text: Her: Mr. Wonderful Me: Until next time Her: Positive outlook! Me: Oh, I'm positive Next, phone call: Her: Are you kidding around? What does that mean? Me: I was kidding, just chill... Her: Are you sure? ...
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