Fern Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I left my ex 6 months ago after finding out he had developed feelings for a co-worker. They started into a relationship with each other almost immediately. I'm doing pretty well now but it still bothers me that they seem so happy after all the damage they did. She was engaged to the father of her child and he and I were together 6 years. They've been 'official' for about 4 months but I suspect they never really stopped seeing each other. I know it's not very healthy but I still obsess a bit about wanting them to fall apart. Relationships that begin in these circumstances don't tend to have a long shelf life, do they? How often do they work out? And how long do they tend to last? There's a LOT of drama involved in the relationship - family stuff, custody issues and stuff with her friends falling out with her. It's all very soap opera - that can't be a good sign either can it? Although he has arranged to take her on a family holiday in May - so it's going well enough still that they're making future plans. I know, I know, I need to stop thinking about the two of them and mostly I'm pretty good. I just wonder sometimes. Has anyone any statistics/theories on this stuff?
TigerCub Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'm sorry you're hurting Fern. You say that he started up with her right after you guys split up. But do you think that he was having an affair with her, or are you sure that they started after you guys were done? If they both cheated, they may not make it for long, I would assume that there would be some trust issues, and maybe both parties would be thinking 'well if they cheated with me, they'll cheat on me' But maybe not. You never really know in these things. Also, if he was cheating, he's already breaking some stats (because according to some commonly known stats around here) - MM never leave their wives (granted you guys weren't married, but you were together for 6 years), so just the fact that he left would be breaking that rule. You are a smart person, and you do know that its better for you not to dwell on what's going on with them, and just focus on you. I understand where your question is coming from, but as you said, they will have a lot of drama (especially since she has a kid in the mix), but let that be THEIR drama, not yours. Focus on you, because you're not going to make strides in healing when you're consumed with thoughts of them (I know its hard to let that go), but you do need to. I wish you all the best
Author Fern Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I'm sorry you're hurting Fern. You say that he started up with her right after you guys split up. But do you think that he was having an affair with her, or are you sure that they started after you guys were done? If they both cheated, they may not make it for long, I would assume that there would be some trust issues, and maybe both parties would be thinking 'well if they cheated with me, they'll cheat on me' But maybe not. You never really know in these things. Also, if he was cheating, he's already breaking some stats (because according to some commonly known stats around here) - MM never leave their wives (granted you guys weren't married, but you were together for 6 years), so just the fact that he left would be breaking that rule. You are a smart person, and you do know that its better for you not to dwell on what's going on with them, and just focus on you. I understand where your question is coming from, but as you said, they will have a lot of drama (especially since she has a kid in the mix), but let that be THEIR drama, not yours. Focus on you, because you're not going to make strides in healing when you're consumed with thoughts of them (I know its hard to let that go), but you do need to. I wish you all the best There was definitely SOMETHING going on for the months prior to me moving out - hence my leaving him. He would never have had the guts to end it - despite wanting to be with her rather than me. I left. He didn't leave me any other option, but I did leave him. You're right though, to all intents and purposes he did the dumping. I know it's not something I should dwell on. They could be together for years. I have to get past it. It's hard to stop thinking about it though. Especially when I've nothing else to occupy me... I'm honestly doing quite well though - compared to the mess I was just 4 months ago! I'd REALLY like it if they didn't get off scott free. *sigh*
YellowShark Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 There was definitely SOMETHING going on for the months prior to me moving out - hence my leaving him. If he'll cheat with her... he'll eventually cheat on her. (Especially when all the "drama" you speak of starts to affect his life.) It's hard to stop thinking about it though. Especially when I've nothing else to occupy me... Forget about the door that has closed and focus on the door that is now open. Your cheating EX may have dumped you for "her..." but he has dumped you into a huge pool of single caring men!
imagine Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 The stats that I heard was two years after the break-up. There are quite a few reasons for the break. 1 The excitement is gone while cheating 2 The cheaters never trust each other 3 The fantasy fades while real life steps in 4 The romance changes 5 They have more time to think about the good times with their Ex I'm sure the list goes up to ten but these are the items that pop out of my head right now!
Fog Light Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'd REALLY like it if they didn't get off scott free. *sigh* They won't. Karma is ruthless.
Spark1111 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Before marriage? I am really unsure of how often it works out. But the hormones that give it that heady rush of excitement in a new relationship typically last up to two years. After that, all relationships settle down to "normal, though drama can spike them for while longer, if that is what you are addicted to. But drama is only a diversion. The latest stat I read on a psych journal is that the greatest threat to a marriage is having to raise a child not your own. (Sorry to all you happily blended families out there.) The risk of divorce climbs to 65% in those relationships. I know it is hard to move forward alone when all you can envision is how happy they must be together. But remember this: Living well is your best revenge. What are you doing for you?
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 It's a hit and miss. Either they really do love eachother and *had* to be together, and it'll work out (in that case, as much as it hurts, be glad he's with her and not you, you do NOT want to be with him if he is inlove with someone else) or, it'll crash and burn once the honeymoon phase ends and real life hits them, etc.. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself or feel bad, beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. You are a strong, beautiful woman and deserve the best! Can I ask how he treated you? Was he cruel, did he gaslight you, play games? Or was he remorseful for hurting you, wishes things didn't happen the way it did? Just wonderng what type of man he was in general.
Author Fern Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 It's a hit and miss. Either they really do love eachother and *had* to be together, and it'll work out (in that case, as much as it hurts, be glad he's with her and not you, you do NOT want to be with him if he is inlove with someone else) or, it'll crash and burn once the honeymoon phase ends and real life hits them, etc.. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself or feel bad, beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. You are a strong, beautiful woman and deserve the best! Can I ask how he treated you? Was he cruel, did he gaslight you, play games? Or was he remorseful for hurting you, wishes things didn't happen the way it did? Just wonderng what type of man he was in general. He wasn't cruel per se. Though he wasn't exactly a model partner either. We barely had sex the last two years. I blamed the lack of libido on grief as his sex drive fell off when his mother got cancer and died. I'm not so sure now. I do think he was using me for the last few years of our relationship because I supported him financially. I think he knew we were over long before I did. We've had very little contact since we split. I met him out on Xmas Eve and he had a few drinks in him and he did seem remorseful then about hurting me - but that's the only time he's shown any remorse. He was a coward I think, more than anything. He didn't want to be with me but he was too cowardly to end it. I even had to do that for him. Since the split he hasn't done anything to suggest he cares about my feelings - he has't tried to make this easier on me - it's all about the new girl now. That's the worst of it - I can deal with him not wanting to be with me romantically, but we were best friends for 6 years - I supported him financially and emotionally through some of the toughest times of his life and he doesn't even care enough about me as a friend to try to spare my feelings. I think when he looks at me he just feels GUILT. There's no memory of what good friends we were. Even at our worst we were good mates who never ran out of things to talk about. It's bizarre to me that he can just block that out.
woinlove Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 He wasn't cruel per se. Though he wasn't exactly a model partner either. We barely had sex the last two years. I blamed the lack of libido on grief as his sex drive fell off when his mother got cancer and died. I'm not so sure now. I do think he was using me for the last few years of our relationship because I supported him financially. I think he knew we were over long before I did. We've had very little contact since we split. I met him out on Xmas Eve and he had a few drinks in him and he did seem remorseful then about hurting me - but that's the only time he's shown any remorse. He was a coward I think, more than anything. He didn't want to be with me but he was too cowardly to end it. I even had to do that for him. Since the split he hasn't done anything to suggest he cares about my feelings - he has't tried to make this easier on me - it's all about the new girl now. That's the worst of it - I can deal with him not wanting to be with me romantically, but we were best friends for 6 years - I supported him financially and emotionally through some of the toughest times of his life and he doesn't even care enough about me as a friend to try to spare my feelings. I think when he looks at me he just feels GUILT. There's no memory of what good friends we were. Even at our worst we were good mates who never ran out of things to talk about. It's bizarre to me that he can just block that out. I'm sorry you are going through this. That sounds pretty cruel to me. It sounds like the only reason there wasn't more openly cruel behavior was because you didn't investigate on your own, confront him, and try to force him to tell you what was going on. Nevertheless, it sounds like he hid what was going on from you while you two were together and that is extremely cruel, IMO. You are likely right that he feels guilt if he used to be someone you could love and trust and respect. I never understand why such people, when they pull away and meet someone new, don't just tell their partner so they can continue being a person worthy of respect. However, it seems to be very common that people in that situation instead lie and try to stay married or together, while a good part of them is absent from the marriage. That's no way to live and good for you for ending it. If he was ready to change and become trustworthy again that would have been a wakeup call to him. It wasn't and it sounds like he still isn't ready to be honest. Sounds like he is carrying around a lot of baggage of bad behavior and that cannot help his new relationship. He will end up treating her just as badly unless he really learns why he behaves like that and works to become someone who treats others better. You deserve someone who is mature and trustworthy and capable of loving someone well. He doesn't sound like any of those things, even though new in-love feelings may mask his failings for a while. Try to focus on yourself, on doing things you enjoy and being with friends and/or family who support you.
HappyAtLast Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Sometimes an relationship began as an affair can and does last, with no repercussions, bad karma, future cheating or any of that stuff. So what? What is important for you to focus on is your future. It sounds to me, by what you've written, that your relationship had been over for some time anyway. Certainly not making an excuse for your man cheating, it was wrong. But really examine the situation. Are you really loosing something now? It seems like it was lost several years ago. Focus on that, his new relationship is really irrelevant. It sounds to me like the two of you were not meant to be. Please understand that by saying this I am in no way endorsing his cheating, I am not. But the reality of life is that most relationships eventually fail, especially ones that did not result in a marriage (am I reading correctly that you were not married?). Please try to focus on the bright future that I know you have waiting for you and leave what you will simply look on as a failed relationship one day, behind you.
confusedinkansas Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I know it's not very healthy but I still obsess a bit about wanting them to fall apart. Relationships that begin in these circumstances don't tend to have a long shelf life, do they? How often do they work out? And how long do they tend to last? I just wonder sometimes. Has anyone any statistics/theories on this stuff? I don't know of specific stats - However, I personally know of 3 "Success Stories"- 1-- my father in law. He's been married to the woman he had an affair with now for 20++ years. They seem really happy. 1--a friend. Left her husband for the other man. Been married now for going on 2 or so years. 1--another aquaintence - left her husband for another man & they've been together for 2 years now. I think it's hit or miss depending on the personalities in the relationship. Obsessing for you is probably not a great idea though since he's gone & they are together now. Get out there & start dating yourself. Find ya a good man!
hopesndreams Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 A relationship built on lies and deceit will surely crumble. It's like a house built on sand. A relationship is tough enough even when it's built on a solid foundation. They are just goo goo with each other right now. Your ex is a runner and so is she. Once the high wears off and the butterflies fly away for them both, and it will happen, within 2 years or less, they will have nothing to hold them together. They are both dishonorable and untrustworthy.
HappyAtLast Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I truly wish folks would stop predicting whether something will or will not work out. Focusing on that will not help Fern. And all the talk of "never"? That is simply not true. And, I don't see how it can possibly help Fern. Never mind what he is doing, focus on your own wonderful future. I know that it easier said than done, but, believe me, you will be much healthier and happier if you do. All the best, Hal
hopesndreams Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I truly wish folks would stop predicting whether something will or will not work out. Focusing on that will not help Fern. And all the talk of "never"? That is simply not true. And, I don't see how it can possibly help Fern. Never mind what he is doing, focus on your own wonderful future. I know that it easier said than done, but, believe me, you will be much healthier and happier if you do. All the best, Hal OP is only 6 months into this nightmare. How she feels and what she thinks about are perfectly normal at this time. 2 years from now, perhaps sooner, she won't give a rats azz, she will be too busy living and loving life and enjoying not having a no good cheater of a husband to drag her down. You have your freedom now Fern, don't waste it on obsessing over someone worthless and undeserving for too much longer.
Distant78 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 A relationship built on lies and deceit will surely crumble. It's like a house built on sand. A relationship is tough enough even when it's built on a solid foundation. They are just goo goo with each other right now. Your ex is a runner and so is she. Once the high wears off and the butterflies fly away for them both, and it will happen, within 2 years or less, they will have nothing to hold them together. They are both dishonorable and untrustworthy. Damn right. And eventually one of them will cheat on the other. Both of them are scum and she doesn't need to worry about dirt beneath her feet. She will have a good man who will not do this to her.
Distant78 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I know it's not that easy being left out by the person you love. You're bitter against them because they have hurt you so bad. It's not about her being bitter. This happened not long ago.
Author Fern Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 A relationship built on lies and deceit will surely crumble. It's like a house built on sand. A relationship is tough enough even when it's built on a solid foundation. They are just goo goo with each other right now. Your ex is a runner and so is she. Once the high wears off and the butterflies fly away for them both, and it will happen, within 2 years or less, they will have nothing to hold them together. They are both dishonorable and untrustworthy. See, this is the kind of answer that cheers me up. But I know the rest of you are right - nobody can predict what will happen and really, it doesn't make a difference for me now. I would never go back. Honestly I don't even want him back. I'm not upset anymore that we're over, I'm upset about how it ended. My ego is stung from being 'replaced'. It was 'over' between us a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder if was EVER real from his perspective. We were in very different relationships I think. It hurts that he is the kind of person who can completely drop me. That our friendship and everything I did to support him is so easily dismissed - above and beyond the romantic aspects. But then I should have known he was capable of that from the way he is with his other friends. He's proven time and again he has no loyalty beyond what others can do for or offer him. I'm as well out of it and I WILL try to stop obsessing so much about whether they're happy together. I have to stop seeing this as a reflection of MY worth and MY value as a person. I couldn't make him happy because HE is the only person who can do that. This new girl isn't going to make him happy either. There's nothing wrong with me. The issues are his. My issues are a completely different set of neuroses and self esteem problems. I do believe he'll be a bad partner to her too eventually. He's intrinsically selfish.
Brokenlady Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I do believe he'll be a bad partner to her too eventually. He's intrinsically selfish. This is very likely correct. The MM I had a relationship with got divorced, but even 2 years after seperating from his xW, he continued to treat me like a mistress. He treated his xW really badly, then he treated me at least as badly. One could say I got my karmic dessert. I know he'll do the same thing with the next woman. And the next, and the next. Rest assured, the OW in your situation got no prize. What is aggravating though is that he's probably happy as a clam though. .
wheelwright Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Both of them are scum and she doesn't need to worry about dirt beneath her feet. Please illucidate: which kind of scum? The kind that blindly demeans others in words so as to diminish the life choices of others? Or the kind that foolishly diminishes the life choices of others in actions so as to increase the love in their life? I am thinking about pots and kettles, but hey ho. Different strokes.
Distant78 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Please illucidate: which kind of scum? The kind that blindly demeans others in words so as to diminish the life choices of others? Or the kind that foolishly diminishes the life choices of others in actions so as to increase the love in their life? I am thinking about pots and kettles, but hey ho. Different strokes. It was never love to begin with.
woinlove Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 It was never love to begin with. From Fern's earlier posts, it seems that this man is a repeat cheater. I don't think most repeat cheaters are capable of the kind of love that involves treating others well and respectfully. I'm not sure, wheelright, what you are referring to about increasing love. Here's a man who didn't end things and wanted to keep things going with both women. I suppose that is one way to increase something, but I wouldn't call it love. I think Fern did the right thing by ending things with him. We don't know much about the woman who left her fiance, and father of her child, for this man, but picking a repeat cheater, who is still at it, is usually not a good bet for a long-term, loving relationship. Without knowing more, I still can't help feeling sad for the child.
Distant78 Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 From Fern's earlier posts, it seems that this man is a repeat cheater. I don't think most repeat cheaters are capable of the kind of love that involves treating others well and respectfully. I'm not sure, wheelright, what you are referring to about increasing love. Here's a man who didn't end things and wanted to keep things going with both women. I suppose that is one way to increase something, but I wouldn't call it love. I think Fern did the right thing by ending things with him. We don't know much about the woman who left her fiance, and father of her child, for this man, but picking a repeat cheater, who is still at it, is usually not a good bet for a long-term, loving relationship. Without knowing more, I still can't help feeling sad for the child. Damn right. Feel sorry for those who are hurt in this destruction.
Fight4Me Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 It sounds like he was in an exit affair, a term commonly referred to as someone who is too cowardly to end a relationship on its own merits, but instead hops to another person to force an ending. I would also say that (based on what you described), he isn't capable of being on his own. This should be a red flag for any woman. I believe you are mourning the loss of what you thought you had... the idea of him, more than anything else. That will lessen with time as you reclaim your life and discover true love and friendship in a man who would rather die than betray you. (((hugs)))
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 See, this is the kind of answer that cheers me up. But I know the rest of you are right - nobody can predict what will happen and really, it doesn't make a difference for me now. I would never go back. Honestly I don't even want him back. I'm not upset anymore that we're over, I'm upset about how it ended. My ego is stung from being 'replaced'. It was 'over' between us a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder if was EVER real from his perspective. We were in very different relationships I think. It hurts that he is the kind of person who can completely drop me. That our friendship and everything I did to support him is so easily dismissed - above and beyond the romantic aspects. But then I should have known he was capable of that from the way he is with his other friends. He's proven time and again he has no loyalty beyond what others can do for or offer him. I'm as well out of it and I WILL try to stop obsessing so much about whether they're happy together. I have to stop seeing this as a reflection of MY worth and MY value as a person. I couldn't make him happy because HE is the only person who can do that. This new girl isn't going to make him happy either. There's nothing wrong with me. The issues are his. My issues are a completely different set of neuroses and self esteem problems. I do believe he'll be a bad partner to her too eventually. He's intrinsically selfish. You are describing a man who selfishly burns through romantic partnership but also friends and perhaps family too? He is only concerned with what others can do for him? He defines the importance of his relationships by there newness, of how much his adored or admired>\? Read up on narcissists.....their patterns of relating....and consider yourself very, very lucky to have escaped.
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