lovelylove Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 My boyfriend has become more withdrawn and depressed over the last few months. I do my best to cheer him up and support him (and it's very hard, tiring, for me). After his divorce last year he started a new facebook account and basically maintained both for the past year, adding new friends to his new account and only adding friends he really liked/ weren't part of his divorce to his new account. He constantly checked both accounts but didn't post much. Only very recently did he allow me to post pictures and "tag" him, so people could see we were together. One night last week I noticed he'd added about four or five new friends to his account, a few hours later POOF both accounts disappeared. I texted him and he replied "I'm not in a very good space right now". Later on, he said "people just want something from me, no one is a real friend". I pried, and couldn't get any more information. A week later and he's still not reactivated his account, last night I asked if he would be off forever and he said "I don't know". Can anyone speculate or guess as to why someone would do this, cut off all their friends and family just like that, POOF? What could have happened? Why won't he talk about it? There's a wall between us, he keeps so much inside and won't share (yes I know that's a huge issue for another post)... Does anyone know anyone else who ever did this suddenly, and why? We used to play games together, post funny videos and pictures, and his family and friends would post nice things and invitations to him. I never saw anything rude, or any ex girlfriends or such there... he's computer savvy so I know he could tweak his settings if he wanted to... Why not just not log on? Why completely shut down? I think it may be a passive-aggressive move for attention, I can't figure it out. Please just put your thoughts out there if you have any experience with anyone else doing this. thanks folks. xoxoxoxoxox
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Why would someone suddenly quit facebook? Why not instead contemplate the question with the shorter answer: "Why would somebody join Facebook?"
DuskCrush Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 My friend did that just recently. I don't know...sometimes people just feel like ending the Facebook interaction. Sometimes I feel like that too because I have a couple of people on there that I want to lose contact with and don't want to know about my life but don't want to remove them off FB because it might cause drama. It seems strange that he would add friends and then deactivate his account though. Still, it's just an online site...don't worry about it too much.
Author lovelylove Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 sincereonlineguy- roflmao!!!! of course, you're correct... and most of my "coolest friends" don't facebook... my excuse is because my family members are thousands of miles away, and my kids post all kinds of pictures on there. other "friends" are soooo boring with their "just made a pizza for dinner" etc posts I want to cry. duskcrush, you're right if it were anyone else but this guy... I think he's going through a MAJOR identity crisis/ego-testing time in his life and instead of confronting his life he's trying to run and hide. Wow do I over-analyze lol. xoxoxoxo
denise_xo Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I think the main issue here isn't his facebook behaviour, it's his depression. Withdrawal is quite common for people who are down. FB is a medium that can easily come across as superficial, so it's not necessarily the best place to spend your time if you're already feeling socially and mentally vulnerable. It's difficult to deal with people who are depressed but who don't want to acknowledge/face it or talk about it. I guess your best bet is just to be supportive and to gently keep challenging him to take responsibility for the state of affairs.
Curious-One Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Lol at putting so much weight into facebook. I have thought about deleting my facebook page. I think facebook is the dumbest thing around... I have around 200 friends but i barely ever check facebook. When i do check it seems like everyone is trying to brag about their social life. I am going here, this and that was nice, posting latest pics up. I know girls that would literally go to clubs and do nothing but take pics for their facebook account, then we would come back around, 3AM yes 3AM and their first thing was to go upload pics on facebook. Whats the point of writing on someones wall ??? i much perfer for you to text me..
Author lovelylove Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I agree about the dumbness of facebook. Initially I said "I think it's cool you shut it down, it's so stupid". His reply "it's not dumb, it's about fellowship". ???? He's had facebook for years, and has all his church friends and family on there, friends from high school... he's 43 so it wasn't a party or show-off type of thing, more like a happy birthday, or let's do lunch, or invitations to family-type bbqs, baby pictures... stuff like that. I think you hit it on the head denise about the depression being the issue. He doesn't want to do anything lately, and sleeps a lot... complains about everything, and I mean everything. He's developed a victim attitude and won't do anything to change the things in his life he doesn't like. His apt has become unbelievably messy- it's a pigsty. Sigh. Yeah this isn't about facebook at all. Sigh. I keep trying trying trying and do a good job at cheering him up but you know, after months and months of this I'm getting really weary. Sometimes, just once in a while, I'd like and I need for him to be the perky one, or suggest something to do. I know this relationship is going to end but now I feel horrible thinking about ending it... it would probably make him more depressed, and I really do love him... I mentioned a break once (for him, to have time alone) and he freaked and said "I don't take breaks, if you say that that means it's over". I don't want this to end badly
Disillusioned Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I deactivated my facebook account because once you start it and put something out there, it's impossible to control... sort of like tossing a packet of dye into a lake.
denise_xo Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I agree about the dumbness of facebook. Initially I said "I think it's cool you shut it down, it's so stupid". His reply "it's not dumb, it's about fellowship". ???? He's had facebook for years, and has all his church friends and family on there, friends from high school... he's 43 so it wasn't a party or show-off type of thing, more like a happy birthday, or let's do lunch, or invitations to family-type bbqs, baby pictures... stuff like that. I think you hit it on the head denise about the depression being the issue. He doesn't want to do anything lately, and sleeps a lot... complains about everything, and I mean everything. He's developed a victim attitude and won't do anything to change the things in his life he doesn't like. His apt has become unbelievably messy- it's a pigsty. Sigh. Yeah this isn't about facebook at all. Sigh. I keep trying trying trying and do a good job at cheering him up but you know, after months and months of this I'm getting really weary. Sometimes, just once in a while, I'd like and I need for him to be the perky one, or suggest something to do. I know this relationship is going to end but now I feel horrible thinking about ending it... it would probably make him more depressed, and I really do love him... I mentioned a break once (for him, to have time alone) and he freaked and said "I don't take breaks, if you say that that means it's over". I don't want this to end badly Well, you could try to gently tell him exactly what you are saying here: that you love him, you want to support him, but that a healthy long term relationship is dependent on two people supporting each other, and that you feel you are carrying all the emotional weight here. Say that you're happy to do that while you are supporting him out of the depression, but that you need to see him taking some steps to move himself forward. Depressed people tend to be self absorbed (no offense, I've been depressed a lot myself), so I think it's important that you try to snap him out of his self-centred condition and kind of say 'HEY WHAT ABOUT ME' - in a way that places some responsibility and accountability back on his shoulders. In other words, play the ball back in his court and be careful about not facilitating his condition. Easier said than done, but the only way forward IMO. Will he consider medication or counseling?
Author lovelylove Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 No meds, no counseling for this guy, he's mr. super stoic. He's really stuck in a rut. I actually took him and his son to disneyland last year and that snapped him out of it for a week, that was it, lol. A couple weeks ago he started the usual "well what do you want to do? I'll do anything you want"... and I said honey, sometimes I would really like it if you'd like to do something, and invite me along, like "hey, let's go try this new place to eat, or hey, there's a movie I want to see, or hey, let's go to the beach!" but he took it wrong and got more depressed... said "I'm too boring for you". He loves sex but doesn't initiate it... I have to strip naked and start attacking him before he'll engage (the sex is great, he just never starts it). I mentioned that once, I said I'd really like it if you'd initiate sex... he said he doesn't want to force anything on me or make me think he only wants to be with me for sex. SIGH. He has health issues dragging him down too, and won't see a doctor or take his meds, his diet is really bad, doesn't exercise... at least he doesn't drink or smoke and has good genes- he's built really solidly and used to work in construction so he's very muscular, just starting to pay with all the aches and pains, lack of energy, high blood pressure. I'm going to see him this afternoon and evening. Just to put some positive in this, when I'm with him, when he's holding me, it's like being on another planet of swoon... his touch is so gentle and loving, and I can really feel that he loves me, he's very strong but gentle and he can take all my worries away just by hugging me. That's why I stay, and try, to make him happy. He is very insecure and thinks I'm going to break up with him anyday, always says this, even though I told him I'm willing to commit for life, marry him, and love him unconditionally and want to help take care of him. He says he thinks he's not good enough for me, that I'm too smart and pretty and make 4times what he makes so why would I settle for him. He really does feel like that I'm going to keep trying all year, but at the end of the year if we're still stuck here for my own sanity and his happiness too I'll have to let him go. His issues may need solitude, or someone else, to help. Sigh. Love is so hard, so blind.
Billy_Boy Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I've done that, he sounds almost like an introvert, sometimes you just feel over extended, and exposed. people come to you to talk about their problems but don't want to reciprocate, things of that nature, and the whole thing seems like a monumental waste of time and effort. So click, its gone.
irc333 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Why not instead contemplate the question with the shorter answer: "Why would somebody join Facebook?" And the answer to THAT would be "Why not?"
Author lovelylove Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Billy Boy you got it, he is and always has been an introvert, as am I... we share that in common. And yeah I totally see your point. I love love shack, everybody here is so helpful and awesome, thank you so much Pretty soon I need to post about MY issues cuz MAN that needs some help, lol.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I deactivated my facebook account because once you start it and put something out there, it's impossible to control... sort of like tossing a packet of dye into a lake. My first impulse was to sign-off on the mentioned usage the OP gets out of Facebook... but now I'm just stuck on how many everyday folks know what to expect upon "tossing a packet of dye into a lake". Do very many non-bank robbers ever get a chance to live such an experience?? And do bank robbers themselves ever stick around to witness the results?
Author lovelylove Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Sincereonlineguy lol hahahahah I was really thinking about that dye in the lake thing too, lolz. Hahahahaha. Thanks for the chuckle.
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