heartshaped Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I think you just need to voice these concerns to your SO. I don't think there's anything wrong with bringing up talk of the future especially when you have an important decision to be making in the future [whether or not to buy another house]. But you do need to be careful in the way you phrase everything because the last thing you want to do is put pressure on him or make him feel like he has to do these steps before he's ready. But I would definitely have a talk with him about the future and where he sees the relationship going and when he would see the two of you moving in together or getting married etc.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I think you just need to voice these concerns to your SO. I don't think there's anything wrong with bringing up talk of the future especially when you have an important decision to be making in the future [whether or not to buy another house]. But you do need to be careful in the way you phrase everything because the last thing you want to do is put pressure on him or make him feel like he has to do these steps before he's ready. But I would definitely have a talk with him about the future and where he sees the relationship going and when he would see the two of you moving in together or getting married etc. I completely agree with this 100%. Make sure that you don't pressure him!
Author KTB3LL Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Yeah I know how he is and he hates to be pressured and he will run the other way if he is. That's why I just haven't mentioned it. We stay at my house every night since all of my daughters stuff is here even though his house is nicer and larger than mine. I figured eventually he would get tired of driving home to get clothes or driving home to do laundry haha. He has some clothes here but makes the drive to get more often. Plus we are cops and he keeps his gear at his house so he drives back and forth before and after work every day. It has to get old eventually
iJester Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 "It has to get old eventually" I'm not so certain. Right now, he's got the perfect setup. He's got a "family life", but also has a treehouse to retreat to if he's too overwhelmed or needs space. It's a good setup and personally, I don't think you should be worried about him straying or anything like that, but don't expect him to offer to give his perfect situation up of his own volition.
jane100 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 To an earlier post, I think my point was that sleeping together every night is not living together - but its pretty close, so why not have an open discussion:confused:? If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to, but perhaps he does.
Author KTB3LL Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 i Jester, Its funny you said that because I always tease him about that. My brother recently got divorced and he moved his stuff into my house. He works out of town and is only here like 1 weekend a month. But he has 5 year old twin boys so when he is here so are they. So my daughter, the 2 boys my brother and and my boyfriend will all be here at the same time. talk about CHAOS!!! My boyfriend will say he is going to take a shower at home and be gone for like 4 hours haha. I am no idiot I know he is just needing to get a break because they all drive me nuts too. So yes it is his retreat at times. Good thing my brother got an apt and is moving this weekend.
iJester Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Your brother is only there once a month. I think he is glad that he can get a break from your brother, your child, and yes, YOU, whenever he wants. I think that's healthy as well, and helps dissipate tension that builds up, but doesn't bode well for advancement of the relationship in the near future; at least not originating on his end.
Ms. Joolie Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 How about suggesting moving in for 6 months so that you can look for a house? It may happen that you will want to move out after the 6 months anyway, or you two may decide to stay and live together.
Author KTB3LL Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 iJester, I know he needs time from me as well. But our schedules are very different so there are days we just sleep in the same bed we don't see eachother except my dinner break. I work patrol 4pm-2am and he works 9-5. so the days I work we only see one another for about an hour at my dinner break. We are together almost all day 3 days a week and the other 4 not so much. But your right he kind of has the dream right now. He has me and my daughter whom I know he loves and then he has his get away so he probably wont ever ask. Ms. joolie, I thought about something simular to that. I haven't put my house up yet but will in about a month or so. Everyone knows you have to keep your home very clean when trying to sell and having a 3 year old that is not possible. I considered asking him if we could stay there while it is on the market so it wouldn't be as hard to keep up with. Then once it sells there is no obligation to stay anymore. I can leave and get an apt like I planned or he will want us to stay.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Ms. joolie, I thought about something simular to that. I haven't put my house up yet but will in about a month or so. Everyone knows you have to keep your home very clean when trying to sell and having a 3 year old that is not possible. I considered asking him if we could stay there while it is on the market so it wouldn't be as hard to keep up with. Then once it sells there is no obligation to stay anymore. I can leave and get an apt like I planned or he will want us to stay. You could ask him to stay there, however he may feel obligated to say "yes" when he really is against it. Have you talked to him about your plans regarding this are? Has he given any indication that he may be willing to have you at least stay there?
Stung Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 . I already having a 3 year old dont want her to be 10 before I have another. HELP!!! Don't let this motivation pressure you too much. For one thing, you have only been with him for eight months. You keep talking like that's a long time, but it really isn't. Try to focus on what relationships are best for your daughter right now, don't get lost in thinking about potential offspring who aren't even born yet. My stepdaughter was about ten when my son was born, FWIW, and there are a lot of advantages to having them spaced out like that. There is zero sibling rivalry between them, as they are in such different stages. They simply adore each other, and really enrich each other's lives. My SD is a great girl and she's old enough to actually be helpful with the little guy, and to understand why sometimes we can't do some things because he's too young. She is old enough to know what's going on and sees enough of how difficult it is to wrassle a toddler that having a baby brother will hopefully even prove to be seriously effective birth control in her teen years . I don't agree with the OP entirely that it "makes sense" -- it may, it may not. I also don't think that girls can't bring it up. It is his house, so it's awkward, but I think there are ways to do it. If you really want to bring it up, I say do it, but do it the right way. Don't be pushy about it, and be ready to accept a "no" or resistance if you face it; and I'd back down at any resistance. I'd just bring up the topic of moving/apartments/leases, and then, during the conversation, mention that you're wondering if he's ever thought about moving in together and how far down the line he sees it. Any resistance? Back the hell down. It's his house. But it could be he just hadn't thought about it and might be receptive. For me, it'd be too early. But then I don't want to move in before marriage/engagement. Pretty much agreed with the above. I don't think it's wrong to bring it up, particularly if it's going to eat away at you if you end up renting your own place without ever saying anything. Just don't take it too personally if he's unsure, again, you've only been together 8 months, some people don't believe in living together, moving in with a child is an ENORMOUS commitment--it wouldn't be weird if he needed more time. And it's not weird that you're thinking about it, hard. It's just something you guys need to talk about.
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