KTB3LL Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We have literally spent every night together for about 7 of those 8 months and we spend almost every second of our spare time together. The only time we are apart is if he goes to his house to do his laundry or if he goes home to take a shower. Oh and his occasional boy time. To me it only makes sense for us to live together. We have had keys to eachother's homes for about 6 months and we come and go in either house as we please. I am getting ready to sell my house for other reasons and to me it only makes sense that I would just move in with him. He has a 2,100 sq ft home and we would easily fit in there together. We are both financially idependant and we both make more than enough money to support ourselves so money is not the reasoning at all. It just makes the most sense. I do have a 3 year old daughter and he appears to be very comfortable with her and they adore eachother but I am not sure if she may be part of the reason we haven't already moved foward with this. He is a neat freak and she tends to make messes as most 3 year olds do. He came out of a 4 year relationship right before we started dating and they lived together and then it ended. I dont know if this could also discourage him from wanting to move in together as well. It is his house and I do feel like sense it is his space he should ask me to live with him. My friend said he may assume I dont want to because I have just talked about getting a new place to rent until I can find another home to buy. She thinks me talking like I already have plans to have my own new place may make him think I have no interest in living with him. But he is the person I want to spend my life with and I know that. He tells me he loves me all the time but he is not one to really want to sit down and talk about relationship stuff (typical man) haha. But he is 33 years old and he says he does want to get married at some point and that he wants kids. I already having a 3 year old dont want her to be 10 before I have another. So my question is is it just in my mind that it only makes sense for us to live together instead of all the back and forth? And sense it is his house am I correct that he should be the one to ask me to live with him? HELP!!!
lovelylove Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Yes he should be asking you, and I know how awkward it is but you have to just come out and ask him. I know you're probably afraid of the answer though. I've been there and done that a few times . If he doesn't want to live with you, that implies he may not want to marry you, etc etc etc. I'm actually in a very similar situation, and have been in one before. The last one ended with my boyfriend finally proposing with a huge ring, but guess what, I turned him down, because it was just too late. I had been pressuring him for three years and by the time he was ready to marry me I had already mentally checked out. Good luck, bring it up when you're alone together and relaxed, and have plenty of time to talk quietly. Tell him you've been thinking about it and wondered why he hadn't asked you. Try and get to the bottom of it (his concerns and fears). xoxoxoxoxo
Author KTB3LL Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Thanks, I like that I'm not the only one who is weird about bringing it up. I would like to get some male views on this as well. Could my daughter be part of his fears. I know its a lot to take on but he is with her almost every day anyways. I just adore him and I can't imagine my life without him in it. He tells me all the time he cant imagine life without me. He just hates to have "talks" probably because he is a man. But we never fight which considering how much time we spend together is pretty amazing. I do know he is one of those people that will not be pressured into anything he doesn't want to do. I worry that if I bring it up he will feel like I'm trying to pressure him. That is why bringing it up is a akward subject for me. Plus his last relationship ended as we started talking and I dont know if he feels like he needs more time to just date me. He said he planned on being single for a while after her but that "I was just too good to pass up" aawww.... But we were moving at a good pace at first went to having a toothbrush, to a drawer, to a key and the key was about 6 months ago. Now I feel like we hit a roadblock and it hasn't moved foward much since then.
depplover_1980 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Footbrake down and relax. Seriously if this man is great then enjoy dating him for another 6 months or so; enjoy the freedom and excitement of looking forward to seeing him. If you want to be together forever then appreciate the stages properly; instead of looking over the next fence, enjoy the field you are in!
Els Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Footbrake down and relax. Seriously if this man is great then enjoy dating him for another 6 months or so; enjoy the freedom and excitement of looking forward to seeing him. If you want to be together forever then appreciate the stages properly; instead of looking over the next fence, enjoy the field you are in! But in this instance they are ALREADY living together, sort of - except for the inconvenience of needing to go back to do laundry, etc. I agree that it makes sense, OP - although to be fair, he may see it differently. Nothing will be gained without a constructive discussion on the topic, nevertheless.
depplover_1980 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 In my experience there is still a difference between choosing to sleep together each night and having to because you both live there!!
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Yes, you should wait for him to ask you. And I don't think you talking about getting your own place would "deter" him from asking you. If he wants you to move in, he will ask. I suggest getting your own place in the meantime. You guys have only been together for 8 months, he may not be ready for that type of comittment..especially if you are bringing your 3 year old with you. Edited January 25, 2011 by Lauriebell82
Els Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I am curious. If we are all so much for equality, why is it that the girl cannot bring up the topic?
depplover_1980 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I am curious. If we are all so much for equality, why is it that the girl cannot bring up the topic? Because it goes against the male nature. She can ask but she is high risk of him putting up a guard to his current comfortable cave, which he chooses to live in. He may well smile and say yes.
Els Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Why are things that are supposedly 'female nature' (not wanting bf to look at other scantily-clad/naked women, wanting the man to pay) considered 'wrong' in the name of equality, then?
zengirl Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I don't agree with the OP entirely that it "makes sense" -- it may, it may not. I also don't think that girls can't bring it up. It is his house, so it's awkward, but I think there are ways to do it. If you really want to bring it up, I say do it, but do it the right way. Don't be pushy about it, and be ready to accept a "no" or resistance if you face it; and I'd back down at any resistance. I'd just bring up the topic of moving/apartments/leases, and then, during the conversation, mention that you're wondering if he's ever thought about moving in together and how far down the line he sees it. Any resistance? Back the hell down. It's his house. But it could be he just hadn't thought about it and might be receptive. For me, it'd be too early. But then I don't want to move in before marriage/engagement.
Ms. Joolie Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) IMO, women really need to be more assertive when it comes to the relationship they want. Guys won't do this for them. It's okay for a woman to discuss what relationship she wants with her man. It took me a long time to get this, but I got it. NEVER again will I wait so long to communicate what I want in a relationship with the very man I am in a relationship with! Anyway, OP, definitely address your concerns and desires to your boyfriend and just hear him out. Or you can tell him he doesn't have to say or do anything, and just listen. After you communicate with him and you have this conversation (or he listens), you will be clearer on what you should do. Note: This is a conversation you are opening with him, not an emotional argument. Edited January 25, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I am curious. If we are all so much for equality, why is it that the girl cannot bring up the topic? Because it's his house. And it's only 8 months into their relationship, so he may not be ready to take that step yet. She could just bring up the topic of living together and ask what his thoughts are and when he would want that to happen. But if she were to suggest they live together NOW, it would be like inviting herself (and her daughter!) to move in with him. That may freak him out a bit.
Els Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Oh, yes, I forgot about it being her moving into his house, not them moving in together. I agree re: not inviting yourself based on that principle then, although I do think a discussion about when and how they intend to live together would be productive. I still disagree with the notion that 'she shouldn't ask because the man should always be the one to bring it up'. Edited January 25, 2011 by Elswyth
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I still disagree with the notion that 'she shouldn't ask because the man should always be the one to bring it up'. Yeah, I agree with this. I was the one who brought up moving in together to my husband before I graduated from grad school. However, he had already decided to move into a different apartment around the time when I was about to graduate and it was like a year and 9 months into our relationship. Our circumstances were a bit different. I didn't pressure him, I just suggested it and he agreed right away. But if it would have been 8 months into our relationship he probably would have been a bit freaked out.
Els Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Well, the timeline really depends on the individual. Would be too early for me too - however, there are people who even get engaged or married within 8 months - a year. Each to their own.
heartshaped Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) Honestly, I feel it's too soon especially since you do have a three year old child. It seems like you are really anxious to move forward with this relationship and go to the next step and the next when in all reality it has only been eight months. It seems like you are even trying to justify your actions by saying what 'makes sense'. If he wanted you to live with him, he would ask you. I think it would almost be rude to bring up the possibly of you moving in with him when it's only been eight months. Maybe talk about when he sees the two of you making more serious commitments to each other, i.e. moving in, getting engaged/married, etc. But I wouldn't suggest to him the possibility of you and your daughter moving in now. Edited January 25, 2011 by heartshaped
jane100 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 what i got most strongly from your post is that you haven't talked about it. what are you afraid of? so thats probably what you need to do. as an open and happy discussion, no agenda, just is this what you want, is this a good idea, this is what i am thinking kind-of-thing? there seems some second-guessing in your post and you are not going to get past that unless you have a talk. after 7 months of living together i think that talk seems fair enough. if you are living together every day and night why can you not talk about something like that, perhaps try it and see
depplover_1980 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Why are things that are supposedly 'female nature' (not wanting bf to look at other scantily-clad/naked women, wanting the man to pay) considered 'wrong' in the name of equality, then? Well it just so happens I don't mind bf looking at other women, it's natural to look at naked women sometimes and I offer to pay my way and sometimes take the bill. True equality is just treating the other person with respect and asking if you can move into someone elses house isn't really respectful!
Els Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Well it just so happens I don't mind bf looking at other women, it's natural to look at naked women sometimes and I offer to pay my way and sometimes take the bill. True equality is just treating the other person with respect and asking if you can move into someone elses house isn't really respectful! As I said, I agree re: the asking to move into HIS house part. I was referring, in that post, to your post of 'because it goes against the male nature'.
depplover_1980 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Yes but for me equality is accepting the other sexes nature, quit moaning about it thus creating a mutual respect. We'll never change a mans natural traits and they'll never change feminine traits, so we need to accept and go with it. Just my view of course.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 what i got most strongly from your post is that you haven't talked about it. what are you afraid of? so thats probably what you need to do. as an open and happy discussion, no agenda, just is this what you want, is this a good idea, this is what i am thinking kind-of-thing? there seems some second-guessing in your post and you are not going to get past that unless you have a talk. after 7 months of living together i think that talk seems fair enough. if you are living together every day and night why can you not talk about something like that, perhaps try it and see I think she is afraid he will say no and that it will cause problems and ackwardness in their relationship. I agree with a discussion about living together in the FUTURE, but she does have an agenda (she wants to live with him now) therefore she needs to be careful to keep the pressure off and not be too pushy about it. The last thing she wants is to have him "humor her" and live with her in order to avoid a break up or conflict. Those situations never work out either. They haven't been living together for 7 months, they have been sleeping over at each other's house's. That's completely different, especially since there is a child involved. She just needs to be careful here, because it is so soon in their relationship. It's true that poeple have different timelines, but if this guy was ready I think that he would be asking her to move in and he's not. So therefore, he probably isn't ready to take that step yet.
Els Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Yes but for me equality is accepting the other sexes nature, quit moaning about it thus creating a mutual respect. We'll never change a mans natural traits and they'll never change feminine traits, so we need to accept and go with it. Just my view of course. Which female traits do you think are generally accepted and not moaned about, despite being at odds with what men want out of a relationship?
depplover_1980 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I think that we are generally more emotional, nuturing and that we have a tendancy to nag. Most men are realistic about it. The difference in the sexes will always be around, I just think being realistic to this fact makes life easier instead of forever trying to change each other.
Author KTB3LL Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I am not saying I want to move in right now. I am fine with finding my own place to rent and doing a 6 month lease or so. But I baught my first house at 21 and my daughter is used to having a house. I'm only selling it because she is getting close to school age and I don't like our school distrcit. I dont want to keep her in an apt for more than 6 months or so. I intended on getting the apt just until I find a new house that I want. But obviously I don't want to buy a house and then lose a ton of money because we decide to move in or get married shortly after. That's more my concern. I know my boyfriend well and he takes things typically very slow. He dated his ex for 4 years and they lived together for 2 of those 4. But she had cheated along the line so she never got a ring. But I also know he is 33 and says its about time for him to settle down with someone. Anyways just wanted to point out right now isn't a have to thing but I dont' want to buy a new house in 6-9 months or so and then it turn out being a financial disaster because we decide to get married or move in together.
Recommended Posts