alex1960 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I've listened to everyone here and told my wife how some of her actions hurt me and our family. She was quite receptive at first until we got into specifics. There's this guy at work (he's her superior) that she talks to occasionally and sees 5-6 times a year. I've been suspicious that my wife may have a crush on him and have asked her whether she'd consider maintaining purely professional ties with him and keeping the rest to a minimum. If you were asked to do something like this and you had no feelings for your friend, how difficult would it be for you to keep things professional?
zengirl Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Okay, from what I've read of your situation, I do think your wife has feelings for him (if this is the same guy) and something is amiss, so I get you wanting what you want. Though I think making her never be friends with any guy is WAY too far. In general, however, if I had no feelings for the person, it would be difficult for me to stop being friendly with them for a jealous SO. Mostly because dealing with the unwarranted jealousy would make me feel "owned" or something. It'd be a stubbornness thing. If it were warranted, and I had feelings, I'd like to think I'd easily do the right thing. But I'm weird.
Jonno_S Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 If you were asked to do something like this and you had no feelings for your friend, how difficult would it be for you to keep things professional? Not difficult at all. I would do it in a heartbeat if the request were made. As an aside, with me the request would never be made. I am very careful about those types of boundaries. I don't like to raise any eyebrows.
aerogurl87 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 It wouldn't be difficult for me at all but if she has a crush it will be difficult. It's how I felt when my boyfriend told me to stop keeping in contact with my ex. It was really hard for me to do considering there were some residual feelings left towards him. But when in a relationship you have to make boundaries to protect your heart and the relationship itself. And sometimes that means cutting off contact with people.
carhill Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 If you were asked to do something like this and you had no feelings for your friend, how difficult would it be for you to keep things professional? If no attachment, no issue. The M is primary. If attachment, unhealthy or healthy, an examination of proper boundaries and priority is in order, as well as a realistic assessment of the M. I was talking to my best friend the other night and the subject of female employees came up, as he has a number of them at different company locations. His personal policy (he's married 28 years) is that he is never in a public location alone with a female employee. No lunches with his branch managers, who are female; no interactions with his sales manager, who is female, outside the store premises. He shared this as a number of female employees felt 'left out' that only the male employees were invited out to lunch with him. He explained his policy and suggested that they take 'girls lunch out' lunches, on him, once a week or as appropriate. OP, your wife could easily have such boundaries but she *chooses* not to. This apparently distresses you. Since initially posting your issues, what proactive steps have you taken to resolve this situation? After awhile, complaints fall upon deaf ears when no action is taken nor resolution sought. If I was faced with such a situation, I'd 'plan B' the deal and serve her the quite unpleasant snack of ending the marriage. If her 'situation' with this colleague is her priority, that's her path.
makelemonade1974 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Trust me, I know from experience that an "emotional affair" can be just as damaging as an actual affair, so I would say that you have every right to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand.
Author alex1960 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 carhill, thanks for posting as always. My wife knows what she does makes me feel insecure and she knows what to do to fix it. We've talked about it and the conversation went well. What I see now is how difficult it is for her to actually do it. Since she told him they would limit their conversations to professional ones only, she has found all kinds of reasons to call him professionally. I can't proove it but the stream of emails is quite compelling.
Author alex1960 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Trust me, I know from experience that an "emotional affair" can be just as damaging as an actual affair, so I would say that you have every right to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. Yes I would agree with you. Except I don't know exactly where I stand and I don't know whether that it even matters. Either she has an emotional affair and denies it. Or maybe she doesn't know it herself. Or maybe I'm just being jealous. It's driving me insane.
makelemonade1974 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 My ex boyfriend swore up and down that there was nothing going on with his female "friend" and that I was just being insanely jealous. He slowly started pulling away from me emotionally and then I finally got dumped. She was supposedly my friend as well (until the day after the breakup - seriously) and she knew two weeks in advance that he was planning on leaving me. If I had to do it again I would have told him stop it with the late night dinners with this girl or I am out of here. Of course, when you are married it is perhaps harder to draw such boundaries. Google "emotional affair" - it's enlightening, let me tell you.
carhill Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 OP, as someone who had an emotional affair, I can offer the following guidance. My now exW, after exploring the realities of my attachment in MC, filed for divorce. You see, she didn't screw around, no pun intended. Our M wasn't perfect and she had a role in that, but she drew a boundary, examined the dynamic and my priorities, and made a healthy decision, one I respect her for, even if I have my opinion about the rest of the M and her role in it. Stand up and be counted. If this is unacceptable to you, say 'This is unacceptable to me and, if you continue upon this path, I'll will take action to end the marriage on terms favorable to myself.' Expect anger in return. If no immediate positive response occurs, one which you find to be healthy, transparent and respectful of your feelings, take action, starting the next day. Women may hate men who take action, but they respect them. Fear is the only thing stopping you right now. Fear was the reason I chose an EA over terminating my M when it was unhealthy for me. Fear is the reason you're putting up with the status quo. Examine it. Own it. Beat it.
Author alex1960 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 carhill, your advice makes a lot of sense. I can assure you though that I have no fear when it comes to me personally. I fear for our daughter. Had it not been for her, we wouldn't even have this conversation.
Author alex1960 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 My ex boyfriend swore up and down that there was nothing going on with his female "friend" and that I was just being insanely jealous. He slowly started pulling away from me emotionally and then I finally got dumped. She was supposedly my friend as well (until the day after the breakup - seriously) and she knew two weeks in advance that he was planning on leaving me. If I had to do it again I would have told him stop it with the late night dinners with this girl or I am out of here. Of course, when you are married it is perhaps harder to draw such boundaries. Google "emotional affair" - it's enlightening, let me tell you. Just for comparison how often were they having dinners? And for how long did you have to endure this?
carhill Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 carhill, your advice makes a lot of sense. I can assure you though that I have no fear when it comes to me personally. I fear for our daughter. Had it not been for her, we wouldn't even have this conversation. Great. Examine that fear. Put it into context. One of my exW's long-time female friends is getting divorced. She's been in rehab for alcoholism. 24 years married, IIRC. Her H sent their son 200 miles away to live with his family while the divorce proceeds. Life altering change which tore the fabric of the family apart. H took proactive and likely very difficult steps to address the issues in the M (different from yours, of course) and addressed his fears about what the decision would do to their son. In this regard, the parents set the tone. If they want the dynamic to be a positive change, it is. If not, not. It's their *choice*. Good luck in making yours...
makelemonade1974 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Just for comparison how often were they having dinners? And for how long did you have to endure this? There was always something in my ex's head that told him I didn't measure up to this woman. Whenever he saw her, we would end up fighting afterwards. We broke up twice (the second time for good), but both times it was immediately after he had spent time with her. They are both artists and colleagues. The "meetings" over dinner and drinks would often last until 3am, as they were both pretty heavy drinkers. According to him, the meetings were necessary because they were talking about their "art" - something I wouldn't understand (even though I have a PhD in a related field). This woman was quite attractive, married (my ex and I were in her wedding) and the center of every social event. Most of her friends were men, and I think she liked the attention. To answer your question - they were friends for the entire length of our relationship - about 2 1/2 years. She tried to get very close to me and I even confided in her about our problems (I assume he was doing the same). They would have these "meetings" a couple times a month - to my knowledge. Towards the end he was lying to me about them. The problem with emotional affairs is that even though there may not be sex involved (unless they were doing it in the car or a hotel, I don't know where they would have gone to have sex), your SO is confiding in that other person when they should be confiding in YOU. In my case, this woman knew things about my relationship that I didn't even know. And the bitch watched it all fall apart and never said a word to me about it. I second carhill - stand up for yourself, or you will find yourself with the rug pulled out from under you, wondering what happened.
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