Leviia Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 So here's a bit of a background with me. I was married for 9 years when I caught my EXH cheating on me when I was 5 months pregnant. That was 5 years ago and we have since divorced but are pretty decent towards each other. I forgave him for what happened because frankly I was much happier without him. Anyway this guy and I have been friends for god like 12 years. He lives in another state and is married. We've always been there for each other. If I needed an opinion or someone to bounce idea's off of he's been there and vise versa. Anyway back in August of 09 he asked me to jump on messenger because he had a problem he didn't know what to do about. His wife had started acting really weird and nasty towards him. He explained everything to me and I gave him a few idea's about possibly talking to her about school, work and stuff because it sounds like she is severely stressed out. So a week or so goes by and he calls me and was crying. Something had happened and she got pissed at him and jumped out of the car and ran off. His wife is a cop so I told him to calm down that she knew how to handle herself and to just focus on taking care of himself and his daughter. I really had no idea what to say to him. Over the next month or two we chatted regularly and I swear every single red flag that popped up sounded just like my EXH so I told him. Here are the flags, here are the signs and here is what I found in my situation with my EXH .. I swear it sounds like she's cheating on you. No no.. he denied it and made every possible excuse in the book. Anyway after months and months they had "separated" but were still living together due to expenses. He couldn't take the non stop fights, accusing and having his daughter see all of this. They were making arrangements to completely split up and what to do with finances and stuff when he asked me if I wanted to come visit. See we had been friends for almost 11 years and we had never met. We knew what each other's families looked like, kids, where we each lived ... everything. And before anyone gives me a lecture about not knowing who or what someone is and blah blah blah ... my ex knew him as well and I knew his ex from convo's and stuff so ... yeah although we had never met we DID know each other. So I said sure why not, it'd be fun to go on vacation as I had never really been out of state and I needed one anyway. We made plans to see each other because in the back of our minds we were wanting to see if, after everything settled down we could possibly make a go of a relationship. So anyway I drove down to see him and we clicked and it was fantastic. Yes we made love, it felt right we were safe. It felt right, and we had talked about one of us moving closer to the other. His was sure his ex was going to be moving back to Cali with his kid because her family lived there and he couldn't afford to live there with no family so he was thinking closer to me and getting some kind of custody arrangement for summers or such. So I came back home and we chatted and all of a sudden ... things became weird. Less and less chatting... he was becoming increasingly defensive... he asked me what to do about a deranged co-worker that had been coming on to him. He didn't want to piss her off because he was afraid she might go crying harrassment even thou he hadn't done anything. She was sending him weird text messages with *snuggles up close to you* and all sorts of stuff. So I said that possibly he could talk to his supervisor about her, maybe gently tell her that since he was in the middle of a divorce with his EXW and involved with me that he wasn't interested in starting something. And that maybe do it with the supervisor or another witness. He gave every excuse in the book as to why he didn't want to. After a few weeks of him not knowing what to do I told him to either get his manager involved or to do something about it because she seemed a little mentally unbalanced... he got really angry at me and said that, that was really mean to say about someone and blah blah blah. ... Well wouldn't you know here come the warning sirens. Things weren't making sense ... so I had used his email password and login he gave me awhile back. I found months of chats... chats that looked like WE used to chat. They had slept together and now talked about it just as a matter of factly.... I was hurt and crushed and pissed. He knew what it did to me when my Ex cheated on me and then LIED about it ....I confronted him and told him and he blew up. Telling me how I had no right, and I was crazy and maybe that was why my ex left me and he was glad it was out now because he didn't have to lie and this was exactly why he didn't tell me. He was super pissed. So I said I understood and that I did go too far digging into his personal information. But he had no right to lie to me or to sleep with someone else because I had thought we were making plans to start something. I had told him that I was letting him go, that apparently he wasn't ready or at the point in life that I was, that we were on separate pages. That I wasn't some one night stand or just here for him to use when he needed a pick me up. After awhile he finally started emailing me when I wouldn't pick up the phone. Appologizing to me and trying to explain that after I left .. with his separation and with everything else going on he felt so bad and lonely that when this co-worker came on to him it made him feel good and that he was wrong and he was sorry. I said I understood but that we needed to maybe take a step back because it just seemed he was getting way too overwhelmed and I was still hurt and needed a breather. That things had maybe gone too fast. He was upset and hurt but said he understood. Fast forward to December of 2010 ... He had sent me a txt message saying "Not sure if you care or not but (the girl he cheated on me with) just gave me the cold shoulder and was going after someone else." "I know that makes me a hypocrite now but just thought I would tell you." I just sent one back saying that I was sorry and that he seemed hurt and upset. He just said "I guess I know how you feel now and I am really sorry." not too long after that I got another txt saying he found out that his wife HAD been cheating on him for the last 14 months (started back when he called me in 09 when she was acting weird). He sent me an email as well saying that I was right... she was cheating on him with a co worker and they were having sex at work... in their house WHILE their daughter was asleep.. in their bed. I said that I was here for him if he needed to talk and that I was sorry and that finding something like that out is devestating and that he probably felt even worse and hurt. He said he was sorry and that to not give up on him and that he needed to figure out what to do. I said that I had promised him that no matter what we would always be friends. But last week he got on messenger and we started chatting. Just to talk kinda like we did way before we became involved. It was nice, no pressure no talk of what we were going to do about the future. But the convo took a weird turn and it ended up with him being very pushy ... "don't keep excusing it, I get it already, you don't want to talk to me anymore." "stop building up to it and don't EVER ****ing lie to yourself and say its what I wanted because I'm telling you right now its NOT" "do, say, and think what you want I'm out. if and when you decide you want to remain friends, you let me know. til then I'll leave you be I gave you MY decision" now it was late, and I was super tired.... I had sent him and email a few days later telling him that I was sorry I was pushy and that I am not giving him excuses as to why I didn't want to be friends. And a few other things.... a week went by ... I was getting worried so I sent another email just asking him if he was ok ... he sent one back saying ... "Yeah I'm fine. I mean... nothing has changed. I'm unhappy every day, so... maybe I'm not fine. Let's just say I'm alive and in reasonably good physical health. You don't need to worry. I just don't know what to say to you anymore. You're so convinced that I'm pushing you away, that I want you out of my life... I can't keep arguing with what you THINK you know. I don't have the energy anymore. I just want to rest. And I also can't keep dealing with the way you keep wanting or projecting or expecting me to be a certain way, and then you get hurt or mad or frustrated or disappointed when I don't meet that expectation. It's not that I don't want to be friends, its that I feel we don't HAVE much if a friendship anymore. Trust is gone and we can't even have a pleasant conversation half the time. So, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Or how to say it. And now.... I'm pretty much afraid to say anything. I just can't fight anymore. I just can't. So... I dunno." he also doesn't know that I saw the posts he made on another site about him trying to go to MC with his Wife and that they are together and that if she wants to reconcile with him that she need to be totally honest...... I don't know what to do. Just stop contact all together? He's been my best friend for 12 years and I promised we'd be friends no matter what but I feel like now he's using that as an excuse to take his frustration out on me. He doesn't know I know about him and his wife being back together. This is killing me. I fell in love with him and made a promise but I can't stand this pain I'm in. Should I just let go finally? I understand that he's just not in the place I am right now. I understand he's going through a really bad spot. I'm having a hard time just letting go of my best friend and the man I fell in love with... but it's probably the best thing to do .... Gawd life sucks ...
BB07 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 A whole lot drama.......do you really want that in your life? Also...he has proved to you that he is a liar and a cheater, you can't undo it nor pretend it didn't happen. He is making excuses for himself but come on......it's just BS. He did what he did and he can't undo it. So what he is going through a bad spot.......is that really a good excuse? Also......consider that the man you thought you knew is NOT what you thought it was as he has PROVED to you. If you let yourself make excuses for his behavior, you are asking for a lot of pain and heartache. There is a quote by Mayo Angelou that says......"the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them" This is soooo true! I've learned that the hard way.
Author Leviia Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks for the reply, it's just hard to let go of the feelings and dreams we had together. I guess it wasn't really his ... just mine
BB07 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks for the reply, it's just hard to let go of the feelings and dreams we had together. I guess it wasn't really his ... just mine I know it's hard to let go........I get that, but it wasn't based on the truth, he is a liar and a cheat. If you go on excusing what he has already shown you that he is, you will invite a lot more pain, drama, heartache into your life. Again......please believe what he has shown you that he is, there aren't any excuses!
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 The feelings were real, for sure, but what was it based on? You filled in the gaps for all those years you didn't meet him. Yes, you knew him, to an extent, and you only knew what he showed you. He didn't meet up to how you built him up in your head....The fantasy side. It's an unhealthy friendship now, trust is gone, pain and frustration, arguing is happening way too much for this to be something nice. As much as it hurts, it's time to say goodbye to him. He's lied to you, omitted alot of things about himself and his life. Please, go get tested for STD's. Sorry you're hurting.
What_Next Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 If he cheated WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. Simple. Move on, too much baggage and drama.
Author Leviia Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 He didn't cheat with me. . they were separated for almost a year when we got together. But after that he did cheat on me with a co-worker and is now back with his wife trying to reconcile .... he doesn't know that I know thou. But yeah I already did the STD thing last month and everything is fine. I took him off my email and phone. Going NC , a clean break is the best otherwise I'll just keep sitting here waiting.... Funny I have never ever been like this. Even when my Ex cheated on me I just booted him out WHILE I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Not sure how I got so pathetic
Molley Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 oh my gosh, this man has some major issues. Sounds like he can't be alone.... marriage broke up (who really knows the full back ground story of that), so he had you, then after you returned back home from your visit, he found another honey to take your place. Then when that didn't work out, he tried to start it back up with you... when that wasn't working out, he found a way back to his wife. I hate to say it, but maybe he actually was the reason why his marriage didn't work out? Please be careful, to me it sounds like this guy has way too much drama in his life and if you allow him to, he'll mess your life up completely. At this point in his life, he has a lot of unresolved garbage that he needs to work through and he shouldn't be dragging you along. Stay strong, stay in NC and invest your time in someone who isn't just thinking about himself and lying about everything.
Author Leviia Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Yeah that's exactly what he's told me time and time again ... he's terrified of being alone. His mom was a drug addict and he was bounced around alot as a kid and was always on his own until he met his wife. I understand his fear, I really do but even if he WANTED to be with me ... was it because I was just here and available or did he really love me? Who knows what drives people to lie. Fear mostly I think, but I do believe honesty is always the best policy. I mean yeah I may fib to my kids when they pick out an outfit and they love it but I don't, but that's their opinion. I just ask them if they are happy with their choice and if they are I just say that's all that matters. I don't lie because I've been lied to so many times and finding the truth out AFTER has hurt worse than the actual lie (thou some of them are painful). I mean when you lie you have no respect not only for whoever you are lying to but none for yourself as well. And if you can't respect yourself how can you respect someone else?
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