blizzard Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) Why won't he leave? Why does he continue to want to live under the same roof under this "seperation." He lives on the other side of the house. Eight months ago he said, "if you want me to file I will file" Well he never did. After seeing his lawyer, and threatening me with what he will do to get 50/50 custody with kids, he said to me "what do you want me to do?" I told I didn't know at first... I was scared, we were hysterically fighting. I was cleaning out the rest of things in the closet and thowing his things in his room. Lots of crying, yelling. Then, I told him to do it. Later, he said he wasn't going to be the one to break up our marriage. That he didn't want the kids to blame him. He has threaten to tell the kids that I was the one to blame for our marriage failing. Two months ago, he asked why I was hanging around. For me to go and file. We haven't been intimate in nearly a year. We do have children, which may be the mystery why he stays. But why doesn't he at least start "trying" to make a move. Like, finding a place to live...taking the kids to do things...picking up another job in order to get out on his own...etc. Instead, he sits around like a big loaf waiting on me to everything. At the onset of our decision to divorce he was ready to seperate all of our assests and etc. But it was with sarcasm. Now, after months of pursuing, I have finally landed a job. And I have started college. I am the one that goes my seperate way...taking the kids here and there...creating my own little unit I suppose. I feel like I am the one taking the bull by horns all the time. I am fed up. We had an arguement the other night about parenting skills (as usual). He woke the next morning and asked if I were still mad, then proceeded to squeeze my a** and tried to kiss me. I hate living this way. His unpredictable passes. His mood swings... But, wouldn't you be miserable living with me??????? I am cold. We don't have any kind of relationship. Wouldn't you want to start living your own life????? As a man, wouldn't you be running away as fast as you could????? We seperated in May 2009. Decided divorce in Sept. 2009. Edited January 24, 2011 by blizzard
UnsureinSeattle Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) Well, I mean, I guess you have to take the bull by the horns then, and end it. You're clearly miserable. If he doesn't have the nerve to end this awful stasis you're in, then I guess it falls to you. You're approaching two years of this misery- If someone has to be the adult, it sounds like it falls to you. I'm guessing, from what you said, this is nothing new... Best of luck. Edited January 24, 2011 by UnsureinSeattle
Author blizzard Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 In Dec. he asked me if we were going to reconcile. huh? That if not he would stop trying. huh? I am not sending out mixed feelings at all about the decision to divorce. The downfall, is that we aren't communicators. He isn't easy to talk to at all. But my actions are totally readable. I just wish I knew what is going through his head. What are his reasons...or basis for his behavior.
robf1971 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Why won't he leave? Why does he continue to want to live under the same roof under this "seperation." . because he still loves you, because he doesn't want to see you with someone else and to one day have some other guy fathering his kids.
robf1971 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 . But my actions are totally readable. . Bet they aren't,
robf1971 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 . But why doesn't he at least start "trying" to make a move. Like, finding a place to live...taking the kids to do things...picking up another job in order to get out on his own...etc. Instead, he sits around like a big loaf waiting on me to everything. At the onset of our decision to divorce he was ready to seperate all of our assests and etc. But it was with sarcasm. . Cos he doesn't really want to, this is probalby the hardest thing he has ever been through and he's incredibly depressed.
robf1971 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 get 50/50 custody with kids, . Whats wrong with that?
robf1971 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 But, wouldn't you be miserable living with me??????? I am cold. We don't have any kind of relationship. Wouldn't you want to start living your own life????? As a man, wouldn't you be running away as fast as you could????? Wow he must really love you..
Owl Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Blizzard...why do you expect HIM to be the one to leave? You're equally unhappy, to the point where you've long since checked out of the marriage and even into another emotional relationship (if I recall correctly...if I have that wrong I apologize). Why are you playing the passive-agressive role and expecting him to take action to solve your unhappiness?
Author blizzard Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Well, I mean, I guess you have to take the bull by the horns then, and end it. You're clearly miserable. If he doesn't have the nerve to end this awful stasis you're in, then I guess it falls to you. You're approaching two years of this misery- If someone has to be the adult, it sounds like it falls to you. I'm guessing, from what you said, this is nothing new... Best of luck. It isn't. He wants to be told everything to do. I have come to the conclusion that it is part laziness/unmotivation and immaturity. Since our downfall I have addressed his immaturity and how it has affected our marriage. I just want him to grow up... He has made several jokes about our seperation/impending divorce...he says it is to make me laugh...but honestly, the entire situation is NOT funny. Why would you do that? I take our marriage falling apart really seriously. It's not joking matter. I just want him to get real with me. When we argue he makes low blows. Immaturity.
Author blizzard Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 because he still loves you, because he doesn't want to see you with someone else and to one day have some other guy fathering his kids. That is something I will never know Rob. In 15yrs (9 of marriage) he has never voluntarily said "I love you." I have had to ask him. After several miscarriages, no i loves you's. No grieving with me. After miraculously being blessed and giving birth to our children, he never came to my bedside and said "you were great, i love you." No kiss. Any given holiday, birthday, you name it...no i love you's. No tenderness. No affection. Recently, he hugged me like your mom would hug you, and said we should forget about the past and move on...that i am a great mom and that he desires me. ???? desires? No i love you's. No looking into my eyes as sincerity. I watch him love and tell our kids that he loves them 20x a day though. He has always said showing love to woman is a sign of weakness in a man. I have never even seen him hug his own mother. Just tired Rob. Tired of not being loved the way I deserve.
Author blizzard Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Cos he doesn't really want to, this is probalby the hardest thing he has ever been through and he's incredibly depressed. It is been no cakewalk for me either. He is on an antidepressant.
Author blizzard Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Blizzard...why do you expect HIM to be the one to leave? You're equally unhappy, to the point where you've long since checked out of the marriage and even into another emotional relationship (if I recall correctly...if I have that wrong I apologize). Why are you playing the passive-agressive role and expecting him to take action to solve your unhappiness? You are right Owl. I did check out. And yes, into another. Which wasn't difficult for me to do given the situation at home. I don't expect him to make me happy. I am actually happier now more than ever. And even happier when he isn't around. I just want us to work together in this...the marriage is over...he knows it. Maybe I wouldn't be so hesitant to file if he would start building a life. Our marriage has dissolved, he says we need to be friends and work together for the kids sake, so lets start moving forward... I realize I am the one that will have to file. He wants me to pull the trigger. To be the bad guy, to tell our kids how awful I was to break up our marriage. That he was completely content in the way things were. I am the bad person for being unhappy in our marriage. For needing to be loved in this marriage. The bad bad guy... This is where IC is helping me. To not take the entire blame that he lays on me.
Author blizzard Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Whats wrong with that? Nothing really. If he can just prove that he is capable. Maybe, leave the house now and then with them to do fun things instead of absorb TV all day...step away from his hobbies...the computer...sacrificing time to attend school and extracurricular programs. He doesn't like to obligate himself so he says. He loves them dearly. But he is a hands - off parent. He thinks giving them occasional bath puts him in the caretaker bracket. They run all over him as a disciplinarian...he is their "friend." Everyone sees this. Argggghhh. He has a family. If he would just show us some interest...some motivation...his wife some love. And he if doesn't know how, do what it takes to learn. Go get IC. Just do something.
robf1971 Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Nothing really. If he can just prove that he is capable. Maybe, leave the house now and then with them to do fun things instead of absorb TV all day...step away from his hobbies...the computer...sacrificing time to attend school and extracurricular programs. He doesn't like to obligate himself so he says. He loves them dearly. But he is a hands - off parent. He thinks giving them occasional bath puts him in the caretaker bracket. They run all over him as a disciplinarian...he is their "friend." Everyone sees this. Argggghhh. He has a family. If he would just show us some interest...some motivation...his wife some love. And he if doesn't know how, do what it takes to learn. Go get IC. Just do something. Wow, have you told him all this?
Iconoclast Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 Much more here than meets the eye. You're not over your affair. You express yourself like a fogged out affair droid. So, answer this question. Why don't you leave?
Author blizzard Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Wow, have you told him all this? I have. And so has everyone else (in our family). I am not the only one that sees this.
Author blizzard Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 (edited) Much more here than meets the eye. You're not over your affair. You express yourself like a fogged out affair droid. So, answer this question. Why don't you leave? A droid!? I am not sure why many associate affairs with being in a "fog." It's crazy to think that some wave of euphoria hits and you lose your mind. That affairs are passionate little romps in the hay with fairytales and syrup dripping from tongues. It's not always the case. My AP was someone that I had known a long time. So there wasn't a "fog" at all. But there was a great deal of hurt. All parties involved. I grieved until I grew sick of grieving...and I resurfaced. I haven't been in contact with AP in 9mts. It's over. I have accepted it and I have moved on. Have I or will I forget him? No... never. Is it a roadblock in my marriage? No, not necessarily. It's the same problems...the ones that were there before the affair are the ones that still linger. MC didn't work. I have taken the initiative to attend IC...and I am benefitting from it. I only want him to have some sort of drive. We are ending our marriage. But he does nothing to show it. I have withheld from filing for several reasons. He has backed me in the corner with threats and control...stating what will happen to me if I leave. He tells me that I will never make it on my own. That I will destroy our kids lives. So many things he says....he is murderer of ones self -confidence. I refuse to leave our home. My family has always paid our mortage so I feel it is my right to stay. The kids cannot be uprooted from their home...and they rely on me as their total care giver. I have made this home a home for them. He refuses to leave. He refuses to get a part time job to take care of himself...and his family. But that is where IC is helping. Helping me to let go of his hold and gain confidence. You have no idea how someone can slice you to pieces passive agressively. It is an art. One I didn't recognize until our marriage got to this point. Now, I recognize it, swallow hard, and rise above it. You should see him in shock when I stand up for myself.Since the day I met him, I blamed myself for my shortcomings...for not being a good wife. For lacking. Now, I see that he has a problem. And he does not. When we met, 16yrs ago...his longtime gf had cheated on him after 6yrs...this was the girl he dreamed of marrying. They had the same issues that we carry now. I tried to fix him. I thought I had more patience than she. That I could teach him how to love...That I was different...I could do it. I poured love into our relationship. I pushed us when he didn't want us. I chased. I begged. I gave. I loved. And I took crap. I got shelved. Now...I am done. And yes. I suppose I will be the one to file. I am now employed. And currently attending college. Leading a very active, happy life - nonfogged-out affair droid- like. I just don't know why he hangs onto me. He knows how unhappy I am in our marriage. And he sees how well I am doing without him. I just don't know why he doesn't take the bull by the horns and start building his own life...a life for him and the kids. Edited January 31, 2011 by blizzard
Owl Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 So again...what's YOUR plan to move forward here?
robf1971 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I just don't know why he hangs onto me. . Did you ask him?
Author blizzard Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 (edited) So again...what's YOUR plan to move forward here? I don't know Owl. I am at the point where I don't know what direction to turn. Staying is absolutely not out of love...it's for so many other things. My young daughter told me during pillow talk this morning that she loves having family night It's tough, really tough. I feel guilt too. Being the one that has to say "I don't love you." It's devasting. Who wants to hear that? I worry how divorce would hurt my children. My daughter is so smart...I worry how it will affect her schooling, her emotional state. I worry how will he take care of them. He doesn't care for them like I do. I know all of their likes/dislikes...gentleness...funtimes. They have a clean house. And a mom that is there for every function, while he is not. My little one wakes up in the night and still wants to bed with her "mama." So, I have done some things to move forward. After 6 years of being home with the kids, I am going back to work. I have been searching for work for over a year now. Financially we are in a mess. One of the steps in repairing our marriage would be for him to get a part time job...which would allow me to continue to be with the kids. My youngest is released from school at noon. And between two kids, there is a week load of kid events and things to do. They count on me to be there. But he will not. Instead, he goes to the gym after work everyday. And then, takes a nap on the couch...or does his other two hobbies. I resent this. I don't mind working at all, actually I love the adult interaction, but it is a sacrifice I have to make so that we don't have to depend on my family any longer to pay our bills...including his gym membership. If I take care of the home and kids, why can't he help to support us? He has always said "I have a job, you don't." No respect. I am also going back to school to embark on another career...better pay, better hours. I am also attending IC. This has been tremendous help to me. I have opened up on my own banking account. I am also establishing credit in my name. I will work on saving money for a retainer...and pay off our debt. I am living. I am happy when he isn't around. I live in the world of today...not the past, or the future. The last time I spoke with my lawyer was in May 2010. She suggested to give him some to file, that our marriage was dissolving. She thought that he may feel less victim like if he were the one to end it. Well, I took that with a grain of salt...she's lawyer, not a therapist. So here I am. Wishing for him to say, lets go do this. You are miserable. I want to remain friends and have a good relationship for our kids sake. Lets talk about this... Unrealistic isn't it. Instead, he says he could live like this forever. Edited February 5, 2011 by blizzard
Author blizzard Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Did you ask him? Yes. He says he wants a family. Rob I am not sure how he feels love. I really can't explain it. I was thinking about the state of our "love" and I envisioned how easy it was to walk up to my first love (before husband and I met) and take his hand, put my arms around him...and kiss him. I knew every inch of his body. It was comfort. Home. I felt like this with xMM to a degree. I have never experienced that with my husband. He didn't like to be touched that way. So, I have come to the conclusion that our chemistry is so different. He doesn't need love like I need love. He looks for that "motherly" love. While I need a tenderness, emotional closeness. Even when he tries to show it "now", it feels distant. Not warm and loving. Like a stranger's touch. And this is NOT from the affair...it is just plain and simple weird. In a nutshell, I believe in a 10yr span he pushed me away so much from showing him love, that I grew to feel that he didn't love me...and I didn't feel love. So, naturally I stopped...grew cold. I will never forget at the onset of our seperation, I was a mess. My mom layed my head in her lap while I cried on our couch. Her words..."My baby, you are just so starved for affection..."
Owl Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 Instead, he says he could live like this forever. How clearly is he hearing from you that you cannot/will not? Does he clearly understand that if the situation doesn't change, you don't believe that your marriage will survive and that you'll end up leaving? Does he clearly understand that the stage was set for your affair by this exact situation? That it was your "cry for change", and that if he doesn't participate in that change your marriage will remain in jeopardy? That if he doesn't take steps to meet your emotional needs, you remain at risk for another affair? How well has this been spelled out for him in big, bold, block letters that are unmistakable?
Author blizzard Posted February 14, 2011 Author Posted February 14, 2011 Owl...not only have I said it, as clear as a bell...but I show it. I am distant in all aspects. There is no intention of misleading him whatsoever. I have been very careful about that. We haven't been intimate in 9mts. He's becoming more forceful again, with hugs...and kisses, allowing his hands to roam. He kissed me last night, while I didn't return the kiss, he could tell it made me uncomfortable...all of it. He asked if I were ever going to kiss him again. I looked at him puzzled and said "What kind of question is that!?" He said that he didn't think it would be a big deal if just kiss each other now and then. He knows that I have boundaries. I have told him point blank. And he knows why I have them. It's like this comes in cycles. He finally gets pissed and leaves me alone. Only to come back again.
robf1971 Posted February 14, 2011 Posted February 14, 2011 I am distant in all aspects. Passive Agressive, yuck
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