gisela Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 This is only my second post here. The first one detailed my story. I won't go into details again but needless to say things have not got any better in my marriage. My husband is a serial womanizer and has no respect for me and I want him to leave but find it really hard to make the break. We have been married over 20 years. His mother died a few months ago and that put my problems on hold as I loved his mother very much and while she was at home dying I spent all my spare time there (more than my husband did I'm ashamed to say). The thing is now that she is gone her house is being sold and there will be money coming my husbands way and my plan was to wait until he gets the money and then split it and go our separate ways. It won't be a fortune maybe about £30,000 but I know that if we split before he gets the cash I won't see a Penny of it and I know it isn't all about money but I have two children to support and only work part time (I would work full time if I could get the hours). So do I send him packing now and let the lying two timing schmuck use the money to treat his flussies or wait and get my share and then ditch it. When I really think about it I feel that waiting is not the right thing to do but then I think it's only my mother in laws memory that makes me think that and I know that she would want me to have a share for myself and children. What do you think?
PegNosePete Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) Split now. Since you quote a figure in £, I am assuming you are in the UK. Waiting will make absolutely no difference to your settlement. Divorce settlements in the UK are based on needs vs assets, not on the date of your split. In fact you're better off splitting now, then if he blows all the the 30k on floosies, you can say he has decimated matrimonial assets and your half will come from his half of the pot. Edited January 24, 2011 by PegNosePete
Author gisela Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Thank you for your reply. Now I just need to try and get my head in gear to put him out.
TigerCub Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 This is only my second post here. The first one detailed my story. I won't go into details again but needless to say things have not got any better in my marriage. My husband is a serial womanizer and has no respect for me and I want him to leave but find it really hard to make the break. We have been married over 20 years. His mother died a few months ago and that put my problems on hold as I loved his mother very much and while she was at home dying I spent all my spare time there (more than my husband did I'm ashamed to say). Look, its nice that you spent so much time with the dying mother, but really, that part in bold is so judgmental. We don't know the story, we don't know the nature of his R with his mother, AND you ONLY work part time, maybe he was there when he could be and the rest of the time he was working (I'm assuming, he doesn't have the luxury of working part time like you do) - stop with the holier than thou judgment. If you were there with her in her final days because you cared, then you wouldn't be using it as a way to judge the fact that he wasn't there as much as you. When I really think about it I feel that waiting is not the right thing to do but then I think it's only my mother in laws memory that makes me think that and I know that she would want me to have a share for myself and children. If she wanted you to have some of her money, she would have left you some in her will. Do what you want, but to actually say 'oh she would have wanted it this way' is complete BS that you're telling yourself to make yourself feel better. At the end of the day, yes, it seems kinda like a crappy thing to do - but you invested 20 years with this guy, so 1/2 of the 30,000 seems like a good cut. You do have kids together that need to be taken care of. I'm wondering though (cuz I haven't read the previous story) - if he was cheating on you and he's such a womanizer, why didn't you leave him sooner?
LifesontheUp Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Take some legal advice first please. It may be worth waiting, I really don't know. You usually get an hours free advice with an solicitor and this is one of the questions you need to ask. Good luck and hugs
HalfAlive22 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 This is only my second post here. The first one detailed my story. I won't go into details again but needless to say things have not got any better in my marriage. My husband is a serial womanizer and has no respect for me and I want him to leave but find it really hard to make the break. We have been married over 20 years. Look, its nice that you spent so much time with the dying mother, but really, that part in bold is so judgmental. We don't know the story, we don't know the nature of his R with his mother, AND you ONLY work part time, maybe he was there when he could be and the rest of the time he was working (I'm assuming, he doesn't have the luxury of working part time like you do) - stop with the holier than thou judgment. If you were there with her in her final days because you cared, then you wouldn't be using it as a way to judge the fact that he wasn't there as much as you. If she wanted you to have some of her money, she would have left you some in her will. Do what you want, but to actually say 'oh she would have wanted it this way' is complete BS that you're telling yourself to make yourself feel better. At the end of the day, yes, it seems kinda like a crappy thing to do - but you invested 20 years with this guy, so 1/2 of the 30,000 seems like a good cut. You do have kids together that need to be taken care of. I'm wondering though (cuz I haven't read the previous story) - if he was cheating on you and he's such a womanizer, why didn't you leave him sooner? Wow that's kind of harsh..first of all when your with someone for that long its not easy to just leave..(Although I wouldn't stay for MONEY) And I'm sorry as much as I love my kids and have always worked..my H had the luxury of working full Time! Do you have Kids? Just curious
TigerCub Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Wow that's kind of harsh..first of all when your with someone for that long its not easy to just leave..(Although I wouldn't stay for MONEY) And I'm sorry as much as I love my kids and have always worked..my H had the luxury of working full Time! Do you have Kids? Just curious What is so harsh? I was asking an honest question - what part of it is harsh or uncalled for? I don't understand what you're saying here "My H had the luxury of working full Time!!" - what does that mean? I thought luxury was when you get time off and don't have to work full time? (I dunno, maybe what's luxury to me isn't luxury to everyone else).
Author gisela Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Look, its nice that you spent so much time with the dying mother, but really, that part in bold is so judgmental. We don't know the story, we don't know the nature of his R with his mother, AND you ONLY work part time, maybe he was there when he could be and the rest of the time he was working (I'm assuming, he doesn't have the luxury of working part time like you do) - stop with the holier than thou judgment. If you were there with her in her final days because you cared, then you wouldn't be using it as a way to judge the fact that he wasn't there as much as you. If she wanted you to have some of her money, she would have left you some in her will. ........ Firstly I am ashamed he didn't spend time helping his mother. His mother adored him and he COULDN'T BE BOTHERED. And yes I do work part time but my other job is cleaning, cooking, taking care of kids and in general running a household plus I need to help with the care of my disabled father. I am not trying to be holier than thou I spent the time with my mother in law because I wanted to not because I wanted a sainthood. And as for his working, he was not working at the time but told his family he was and I was expected to lie to them, which I did because I knew it would hurt his mother if she knew. You see he goes through jobs ten a penny because he gets hungover and can't make work and then gets sacked so You see it's not a luxury I have working part time it's a necessity and part time is all I can manage although if full time came up I would take it - saint that I am!!! She didn't leave a will and who gets what was never discussed. But considering the woman treated me like a daughter I'm sure I would have been mentioned there. Yes he was and does cheat on me but denies it constantly and the reason I haven't left him yet is because I'm scared to. I'm scared to be on my own. Just thought I would clear that up. Regards Saint Gisela
aplomb Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I agree with the poster that told you to seek legal advice. I would suggest marriage counseling, but it sounds like the marriage is pretty much over. You do need to protect yourself and your children, as it appears that custody of any minor children will go to you. There is also the house, etc. - practical matters. I am not familiar with the law in your country. That same poster told you, you would receive free hours. I'm assuming that would be your first visit. I'd take advantage of that if I were you. Best of luck.
TigerCub Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Haha - alright Saint Gisela, Thanks for the explanation. Sorry you picked a loser and that you had a sh**y life. Take your cut of the 30,000 and honestly...Good for you for finding your strength and deciding to leave..
Lucky_One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 You need to check UK law, but I am nearly certain that inheritances are NOT considered marital assets. So you won't automatically get 1/2 of what he inherits from his mother. Personally, I don't care how badly he has treated you or how bad your marriage has been or how wonderfully you have treated his mother. This is not your money, it is not your family's money, this has nothing to do with you, as you want to disassociate yourself from his family. You asked if it is mean, and I believe that it is. Sorry.
Author gisela Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Thanks for your response - don't be sorry I asked!!! I am undecided myself half of me totally agrees with you and half of me thinks that I should wait and take half the money. And it would be for practical reasons like long overdue repairs to the house etc, not for personal gain. I just know that once I am on my own things are going to be really difficult financially and I won't get any help from him and this boost of cash will be his only contribution to his children because we probably won't see him again. I'm sure he will move on and turn his back on his children, if not forever then for a considerable length of time. Not sure that my conscience will let me do it though that's the problem!!!
Spark1111 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I agree with the poster that told you to seek legal advice. I would suggest marriage counseling, but it sounds like the marriage is pretty much over. You do need to protect yourself and your children, as it appears that custody of any minor children will go to you. There is also the house, etc. - practical matters. I am not familiar with the law in your country. That same poster told you, you would receive free hours. I'm assuming that would be your first visit. I'd take advantage of that if I were you. Best of luck. Get legal advice! Find the very best and ask a question! In the US inheritances are NEVER part of the matrimonial assets unless you can PROVE joint marital assets were used to maintain or support the inheritance. And that can be a lengthy battle. Find out the law before you make any move.
Spark1111 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Thanks for your response - don't be sorry I asked!!! I am undecided myself half of me totally agrees with you and half of me thinks that I should wait and take half the money. And it would be for practical reasons like long overdue repairs to the house etc, not for personal gain. I just know that once I am on my own things are going to be really difficult financially and I won't get any help from him and this boost of cash will be his only contribution to his children because we probably won't see him again. I'm sure he will move on and turn his back on his children, if not forever then for a considerable length of time. Not sure that my conscience will let me do it though that's the problem!!! If you can be reasonably assured that the money will go to long overdue repairs on the matrimonial home......then I would suggest you wait it out. But if not, then don't. Please seek legal advice.
Lucky_One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Since your children are 20 and 17 and nearly grown, there is, indeed, a very good chance that you will not get much in the way of support for them. I am not sure why you would say that he would turn his back on his children, though; for 24 years, you have loved him very much, and in your first LS post, you said you loved him still. If the house is in need of big repairs, you may be better off to ask him to buy you out of your share of the marital home, and use that money to find a small flat to rent. Owning a house that needs repair when you are broke is like having an albatross around your neck.
PegNosePete Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) You need to check UK law' date=' but I am nearly certain that inheritances are NOT considered marital assets.[/quote'] Nope, that's wrong. You can even include future inheritances, for example if you have very old/sick parents, you are expecting an inheritance soon, your ex can claim a larger portion of the pot because of that. Matrimonial clauses act section 25, (2)(a) "the income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future..." So you won't automatically get 1/2 of what he inherits from his mother. True; nothing in UK divorce law is automatic. It's all needs vs assets. Personally' date=' I don't care how badly he has treated you or how bad your marriage has been or how wonderfully you have treated his mother. This is not your money, it is not your family's money, this has nothing to do with you, as you want to disassociate yourself from his family.[/quote'] Neither does the law care how badly he treated you or how bad the marriage was or how wonderful anyone has been. Everything you own, everything he owns and everything you jointly own is considered matrimonial assets and is distributed based on requirements and circumstances. I am undecided myself half of me totally agrees with you and half of me thinks that I should wait and take half the money As I've said before, you can leave now and take half the money. Waiting will not get you any more, and leaving now will not get you any less. I'd advise seeing a solicitor. Many do a free initial consultation. Edited January 25, 2011 by PegNosePete
What_Next Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Just leave the dirtag. You will manage. It's only 30K anyway. Your self respect and quality of life is worth more than that. I'll not wade into the legalities as it all makes my skin crawl. Get out, get away from this man, there are good men out there that will treat you right, I know, I'm one of them
thomasb Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Here in Montana, inheritances, unless you have co-mingled the funds, are NOT a marital asset.
2sure Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 See an attorney and get advice as to what, when, and how to make the divorce most advantageous to you. Thats what they are for , thats what you pay for.
PhoenixRise Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 See an attorney and get advice as to what, when, and how to make the divorce most advantageous to you. Thats what they are for , thats what you pay for. I agree with this. Find out from a lawyer what you should do regarding this inheritance. If your lawyer says you are entitled to 1/2 and you need the money then do whatever your lawyer advises you to do to get what you are legally entitled to. The question of being "mean" shouldn't even be a factor.
PegNosePete Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Nope, that's wrong. You can even include future inheritances, for example if you have very old/sick parents, you are expecting an inheritance soon, your ex can claim a larger portion of the pot because of that. Just a correction to myself; what I wrote is the case for England and Wales. In Scotland, gifts and inheritances are not considered part of the marital pot. So it would depend where in the UK you are.
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