J0N Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hi, I am new to this part of the forum but I'm in need of some advice. I am giving online dating a whirl for the first time. I met a nice girl on POF and after a few emails she sounded into it, we were going to go out. I asked her for her number so we could figure out time, date, etc. It appears to have spooked her and I haven't heard from her in a few days. Is that a no no? Are there any particular do and don'ts? I am not a creep, and I don't want to come off as one bc I don't know what I am doing... Thanks
GivenUp0083 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hi, I am new to this part of the forum but I'm in need of some advice. I am giving online dating a whirl for the first time. I met a nice girl on POF and after a few emails she sounded into it, we were going to go out. I asked her for her number so we could figure out time, date, etc. It appears to have spooked her and I haven't heard from her in a few days. Is that a no no? Are there any particular do and don'ts? I am not a creep, and I don't want to come off as one bc I don't know what I am doing... Thanks I have a LOT of experience with online dating. The biggest rule to understand is that there are no rules or games to play. If a girl flakes out on you, you can't blame yourself, there's a hundred reasons why she flaked that have NOTHING to do with you. You did what you felt was right, you emailed her, got to know her a little, asked her for her number. The right girl will accept and go out with you. You did nothing wrong. Do not send out mass emails, I've done that before, it gets you nowhere. It'll get you dates, but it'll get you dates with the wrong girl time and time again. You need to take the time to think about what YOU want from a girl, then look for those who you think might be her and contact them. I was sending out maybe one email every few days when I met my girl now. I told myself I wanted a nice girl, respectful, kind-hearted, honest....I found her by looking for those qualities in her profile. As for setting up the date, I found it better to get to know them a little by email and phone before meeting. If you can get along well on the phone then meeting in person will be much better and less awkward if you already have interest in each other. I also would set up a first date at a small pub or quiet restaurant to meet for A DRINK on a WEEK NIGHT. Why? If you just meet for a drink or two it won't be too expensive for you for just meeting someone for the first time. You don't know each other personally yet so it's not really a full date yet where you should be expected to spend a ton of money on her. If you meet and it doesn't go well or you're not feeling the chemistry, either of you can call it a night after an hour (or less). If it is going really well, you can stay and talk for hours. There's no pressure on a week night to keep the date going very late and you're not sacraficing potential weekend plans. Keep the first date simple to just talking and getting to know each other, if you can get through the first date enjoying each other by just talking, the other dates will be a cake walk. Hope this helps, feel free to PM me if you have more questions.
Jazzari Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Some girls are understandably cautious about meeting someone they met online. Consider asking to be facebook friends before asking for her number. She can really get a good idea of who you are by seeing how you interact with friends. That might make her more comfortable in going on that first date.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Some girls are understandably cautious about meeting someone they met online. Consider asking to be facebook friends before asking for her number. She can really get a good idea of who you are by seeing how you interact with friends. That might make her more comfortable in going on that first date. I respectfully disagree with this idea. At least initially doing this. I did become facebook friends with my current gf before meeting, but we had spent at least 10 hours on the phone and already had the first date planned. I feel this might reveal a little too much too soon. You're not looking to spill everything about yourself before you meet, you're looking to see if there's initial attraction and chemistry. Facebook opens too much for misinterpretation and you can't control what your friends say or do.
Author J0N Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I think you may be correct. I was a little nervous asking her for her phone number after only maybe 6-7 emails. The main reason I did it though, is that we used to hang out with the same people in HS. She dated a guy that I played football with in HS. So I thought that might be a bit of a connection or that she would at least know that I am not a crazy psycho stalker. I think I scared her away though; it’s strange because she seemed really into the idea of going out together. I like the idea of just meeting for a drink, because you can bail out if it gets weird. I was going to take her out to lunch and we were going to a shooting range (it says on her profile that if you don’t know how to handle a gun don’t bother lol, I also grew up around guns am I am a good shot). I thought this would be kind of fun, and if I am a psycho stalker she will be packing heat lol. *whole story below* The last time she sent me anything was on Friday. She had been wishy washy for about a week only responding to anything every few days, then I asked/told her where I went to HS. We found out that we used to hang out with the same group, but had never met. She sent me like 7 messages in an hour or so and I asked her if she wanted to do something and she sound excited and into the idea. Then I asked her for her number to coordinate everything and she flaked. She has guns and she could block my number if I was a psycho, weird that something like asking her for her number would cause her to flake (or at least not send me back anything)
GivenUp0083 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I think you may be correct. I was a little nervous asking her for her phone number after only maybe 6-7 emails. The main reason I did it though, is that we used to hang out with the same people in HS. She dated a guy that I played football with in HS. So I thought that might be a bit of a connection or that she would at least know that I am not a crazy psycho stalker. I think I scared her away though; it’s strange because she seemed really into the idea of going out together. I like the idea of just meeting for a drink, because you can bail out if it gets weird. I was going to take her out to lunch and we were going to a shooting range (it says on her profile that if you don’t know how to handle a gun don’t bother lol, I also grew up around guns am I am a good shot). I thought this would be kind of fun, and if I am a psycho stalker she will be packing heat lol. *whole story below* The last time she sent me anything was on Friday. She had been wishy washy for about a week only responding to anything every few days, then I asked/told her where I went to HS. We found out that we used to hang out with the same group, but had never met. She sent me like 7 messages in an hour or so and I asked her if she wanted to do something and she sound excited and into the idea. Then I asked her for her number to coordinate everything and she flaked. She has guns and she could block my number if I was a psycho, weird that something like asking her for her number would cause her to flake (or at least not send me back anything) These situations can initially be damaging to the ego. I will reiterate: Just because a girl flakes does not mean it has anything to do with you or what you did. The only thing to take away from this experience is that she just wasn't that interested. You should be pursuing and setting up dates with girls who had HIGH INTEREST in you. Consider this a good thing you didn't waste your time or become emotionally attached after a few dates. You got her to play her hand early, and that is she is not that interested in dating you. Find a different girl to email and maybe go out with.
Author J0N Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I understand, I don't take it personally. I'm not really looking for anything serious. I mostly just want to meet some new people and go out on a few fun dates. I've been so busy with work that my social life has suffered a little. Honestly, though I would be just fine being friends with most of these people, most of my friends (especially girls) moved away after college.
depplover_1980 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I respectfully disagree with this idea. At least initially doing this. I did become facebook friends with my current gf before meeting, but we had spent at least 10 hours on the phone and already had the first date planned. I feel this might reveal a little too much too soon. You're not looking to spill everything about yourself before you meet, you're looking to see if there's initial attraction and chemistry. Facebook opens too much for misinterpretation and you can't control what your friends say or do. I think from a female perspective safety is paramount and Facebook is usually a good way to fish the genuine people out.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I think from a female perspective safety is paramount and Facebook is usually a good way to fish the genuine people out. I think it also enables a woman to misunderstand someone and make pre-emptive judgement about a man before she meets him. My example: I'm in to hardcore metal music. I like a lot of other genres of rock but I like metal the best. The girl I met now said she was nervous from viewing my profile that I was going to have expectations of her going to metal show moshpits with me when that's clearly not my intention at all. If I had never added her as a friend on facebook, I could've discussed this with her in person on my terms as opposed to creating a worry in her head before she's ever met me, before she's even talked to me about it. As you get older, facebook can really only hurt someone in terms of friends/personal information/spousal jealousy/job employers/etc. Employers definitely check people's facebook and can use pictures and information to rule you out. Being friends with women or ex-gf's on facebook can cause jealousy and secret communication. I feel there's no justification for a girl refusing to meet me at a public location at a safe hour of the day because I won't add her on facebook, and it's an absolutely ridiculous demand.
Author J0N Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I sort of agree with givenup. I really don’t have anything to hide on FB though because 99% of my pictures are visible to me only. There really isn’t anything to bad on there, except some underage drinking in college. But there are at least 100 pictures of me and my ex. I really don’t want to deal with going through and deleting each and every one. If a girl asked me to be FB friends though I would probably do it. I can see why girls are very careful, because there are a lot of creeps out there. But if we meet in a public place in the middle of the day I don’t really see the harm in it. It would be the same risk level if we ate in a restaurant at separate tables never knowing each other. Who knows…
GivenUp0083 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) I think we both agree that security is always on a girls mind when doing this, but I also feel like if you give in to the demand of a woman to be facebook friends, then it goes against what dating is supposed to be about: two people getting to know each other and finding out if there is a mutual attraction and connection. Facebook doesn't really do anything for that. I also feel like onilne dating puts the man in the position of doing most of the "work". Men are expected to reach out to the women, try to write an email that is somehow supposed to stand out from the dozens of emails she receives every week. Not only that, we're expected to make the phone call and set up the date, choose the place, and the time. Those decisions are all subject to ridicule and if we don't do it "right" by the woman's personal standards then we can be quickly denied or lose some of her interest. Online dating was much more successful for me when I stopped subjecting myself to these demands and did what I felt was right. There's no reason to court these women who also typically showed no courtesy when it came to rejection or decisions to end the dating process. This is why I felt targeting specific types of women that fit MY standards and expectations was more beneficial to me. I also did what I wanted and I liked talking on the phone and getting to know someone more before wasting my evening and money on a night of drinks with her before knowing a little more about her and making sure there was some legitimate initial interest on her end. This way I could see if there was a foundation for potential, she fit MY standards of the type of girl I wanted, and we could date on MY flexible terms that she could respect and be flexible to as well. Once I did that, I found the perfect woman for me. Edited January 24, 2011 by GivenUp0083
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