trillium Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Too old for this.... My boyfriend ended our relationship last night telling me that he's just not having the right feelings for me, and our relationship isn't going anywhere. Conveniently, he had already started another relationship before the holidays that he's happy about. This hit me out of the blue, and I'm still in shock this morning. He realizes he wants a family and to marry but just not with me. Part of me appreciates the candor...but he's never given any indication that his feelings had shifted until last night. He's been flirty and fun and smiling at me always with what I thought was love. The complication is we work in the same office. He wants us to continue being friends, hanging out and talking all the time...just no sex. In his mind, he can pursue his new relationship cleanly and yet continue to be close to me. I don't have the option of going NC as we have to interact at work. Last night he offered to do whatever I wanted to make this transition smoother. He seemed genuinely supportive,and I know I'm an important friend. He asked me to take a few days to think about then meet him for coffee to discuss. How do I handle NC in an environment where I'll see him nearly every day? I don't know how I can cope.
PowerOfOne Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 One of the old school posters Caliguy worked with his ex. Might be worth doing a search for some of his threads. He had some fantastic advice for NC and how to handle it when you see them everyday.
OpenBook Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 You're giving him too much power. Flip the script, girlfriend. Screw him and his "let's meet for coffee to discuss"!! He's not in charge of you. Get BUSY-BUSY-BUSY in your personal AND professional life - too busy to talk to him about anything personal. Be professionally polite with him at work - but briskly cut him off if he tries to talk to you about ANYTHING personal. Time to retreat and reload. It's none of his business what you're doing from here on out.
Author trillium Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Thanks....I remember Caliguy from when I was here a few years back dealing with a bad break up and misplaced second chance. I normally don't date anyone from the office for just this reason. But it seemed like he might be that special someone for me. Openbook...you're so right. His behaviour seemed very controling just under the surface. He expressed a lot of concern about how the office would perceive our break-up. When I asked why he was so friendly stopping into my office when he was preparing to end things...he said he wanted things to look normal to everyone else, as if people were seriously checking to see how often he visited. We were discreet, but I know after awhile most of the office knew we were together.
folieadeux Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'll be going through something similar in a few days. My ex will be working with me once again starting this Thursday. We met at work, started dating, and he left to pursue a Law degree. We broke up soon after and were together a year. He's since failed out of school and requested his job back, which my employers approved last week. We've both moved on with our lives and haven't spoken in years and no one knows we were together. My only advice would be for you both to maintain your professionalism and not let anything personal get in the way of your employment. It's just not worth it. If you think acting like friends as he's suggested is too hard for you, then just be civil when necessary as it relates to work only. In the meantime, keep busy and work towards moving on with your life.
Author trillium Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Good luck! I wish I were a year out. Friendship is not going to fly for me. But I think I can pull off professional. I know this means I'll have to pass on happy hours and other events for awhile until I'm feeling better. It's going to be a struggle just to stay focused when I know he's coming down the hall at any minute.
Weekender Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Too old for this.... The complication is we work in the same office. He wants us to continue being friends, hanging out and talking all the time...just no sex. In his mind, he can pursue his new relationship cleanly and yet continue to be close to me. I don't have the option of going NC as we have to interact at work. Last night he offered to do whatever I wanted to make this transition smoother. He seemed genuinely supportive,and I know I'm an important friend. He asked me to take a few days to think about then meet him for coffee to discuss. How do I handle NC in an environment where I'll see him nearly every day? I don't know how I can cope. If he's willing to do anything I recommend you ask him to play in heavy traffic blindfolded. He is the dumper, so he does not get the right set the rules for you to play by. I agree with the others, he seems very controlling. I am sorta surprised that you are even willing to entertain this since your post seems to imply the new relationship started when you two were still together. Am I misreading?
Author trillium Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 No that's correct. The new relationship started before we were finished. I'm still shocked by every word last night, and the new way I have to view him. I just want my work environment to be as bearable as possible. I'm starting to replay phrases like "I imagined you pregnant with our child, and I wasn't happy." Its one thing to say someone isn't the right match for you, but some of the details of his thought process were cruel.
folieadeux Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Good luck! I wish I were a year out. Friendship is not going to fly for me. But I think I can pull off professional. I know this means I'll have to pass on happy hours and other events for awhile until I'm feeling better. It's going to be a struggle just to stay focused when I know he's coming down the hall at any minute. Thanks, I wish you all the best too. I wouldn't pass on social events though...work sucks enough, especially now...I wouldn't also show him that you're willing to give up your friends too. You deserve so much better than this guy, hold your head up high and move on...that's the best revenge you could get.
Trovador Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 According to my experience, office's break ups are somehow different than the "normal" ones. They are harder to pull off, not matter if you were the giver or receiver... I've been struggling for about a year with my ex, that is, we have been in an on-off relationship, due to -in my opinion- the closeness. But something that has helped me (or better said, would have helped me if she hadn't broken NC { in a 90:10 ratio}) was that I was always the same. I didn't change my routine, I didn't avoided her or looked after her, if anything I consciously acted (or tried) to be indifferent... it's been useless but I'm pretty sure eventually I'd have emerged from this situation with my head high... in fact, it was when I convinced myself that I was over her that she came back with a vengeance, so I don't know if this is a real way out of the whole mess... I agree that you are not obligated to meet him, by my own experience, real closures don't exist and make him sweat the guilt reliever he's looking for... good luck...
Author trillium Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 Just venting.....it's been miserable but manageable around the office. Some days we manage not to run into each which is a miracle considering we're on the same floor. But yesterday after making it successfully through an organizational presentation where some of my work was highlighted....who beelines it to my office to congratulate me? Yep, it's him. I know it doesn't mean anything, but my mind started to whir away that maybe he's changed his mind. Maybe it's not over. I've run into him multiple times today, and I'm back to forcing myself not to focus on him and what the visit may or may not have meant. I'm just so annoyed with myself right now.
sammyd Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 You're giving him too much power. Flip the script, girlfriend. Screw him and his "let's meet for coffee to discuss"!! He's not in charge of you. Get BUSY-BUSY-BUSY in your personal AND professional life - too busy to talk to him about anything personal. Be professionally polite with him at work - but briskly cut him off if he tries to talk to you about ANYTHING personal. Time to retreat and reload. It's none of his business what you're doing from here on out. Sorry you're going through a tough time Trillium, but i'm gonna quote this again! This is what u have to do! Be polite at the office, and try to avoid situations where u meet, although this is inevitable working in the same place. Make out you're busy, even if you're not, i wouldn't even give him the time of day seeing as he's the one that cheated on you. Take stock, and get tough:)
lostorfound Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Argh, I'm going through the same deal. She works as my receptionist in a satellite office, so I only have to see her once a week, but that is still to much to handle right now. Every week I feel I have recovered my sanity somewhat, then bam, we have to work together, just the two of us, and I am almost back to square one in my grieving. I have informed her that I want no part in any conversation about our personal lives, however I still have to listen to her on the phone with her boyfriend(whom she cheated on me with before she dumped our engagement five weeks ago). Its just awful........ I just try to remember I am better off without this problem of a person in my life outside of work. Good luck getting healed!
lostorfound Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 oh one more thing.... she gets off on showing me the bite marks she got from him the night before...AAARGGGGH
hopesndreams Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 You're giving him too much power. Flip the script, girlfriend. Screw him and his "let's meet for coffee to discuss"!! He's not in charge of you. Get BUSY-BUSY-BUSY in your personal AND professional life - too busy to talk to him about anything personal. Be professionally polite with him at work - but briskly cut him off if he tries to talk to you about ANYTHING personal. Time to retreat and reload. It's none of his business what you're doing from here on out. 100% in agreement. It won't be easy but you need to keep your dignity. He wants to be friends? Pffffffft, screw him, no can do.
SerenaG Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Going through the exact same thing. It's been a few months for me so not as raw but I can still get shaken by random run-ins. I blew it today myself. I knew he had been sick for a few days so when we bumped into each other in the hall we had a brief conversation where I asked about it. Nothing too bad there but I couldn't leave well enough alone. Sent him a stupid follow-up email wishing him a quick recovery, telling him to take care of himself, etc.... I told myself it didn't matter if he replied or not. He didn't reply and I feel like an *** now. Yeesh.
Author trillium Posted February 5, 2011 Author Posted February 5, 2011 Thanks everyone..I needed a reminder. I was doing relatively okay. Its ironic I was back in my office congratulating myself making it through the whole meeting nervous but not flaking out. One appearance by him and I'm off my game. I'll restart again on Monday. You know I was thinking that years ago I ended a relationship at work. We were polite to each other, but I never sought him out or contacted him first. It took a bit of time, but we are friends today. He's very happily been in a relationship with another woman, and I'd say the right woman, from that office for years. Back to the weekend, I'm spending lots of time with friends here.
Author trillium Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 Going through the exact same thing. It's been a few months for me so not as raw but I can still get shaken by random run-ins. I blew it today myself. I knew he had been sick for a few days so when we bumped into each other in the hall we had a brief conversation where I asked about it. Nothing too bad there but I couldn't leave well enough alone. Sent him a stupid follow-up email wishing him a quick recovery, telling him to take care of himself, etc.... I told myself it didn't matter if he replied or not. He didn't reply and I feel like an *** now. Yeesh. I feel for you. My plan is not to respond to any contact that's not work related. But I know how the little run-ins are going to be tough.
Author trillium Posted February 6, 2011 Author Posted February 6, 2011 oh one more thing.... she gets off on showing me the bite marks she got from him the night before...AAARGGGGH That's so unprofessional and just plain mean. You gotta wonder what's going on in her head to do that. Well actually you shouldn't wonder...whatever it is it's not good for you. Hang in there.
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