WifeCheatedOnMe Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 I read your thread and I read a lot of carefully couched mumbo jumbo about how you are the victim in this marriage and that's what prompted you to have an affair. It's so much BS and I'm certain you are only telling the partial story, framed in such a manner to portray you in the best light. Here's the bottom line.....YOU CHEATED. That's the end of the story. I don't care if he beat you, hung you by your feet over boiling oil, called you a B**** 100 times a day, that does not justify CHEATING. It justifies leaving your marriage, but that's all. It strikes me as very selfish that after YOU CHEATED, suddenly the marriage in your mind is over because you experienced some greener grass. You sought an escape because you were unhappy. WHY???? Instead, why didn't you attend counseling? Why didn't you have an adult honest conversation with your husband? Why didn't you expend the energy you have for your new hobby instead into fixing your marriage? Cheaters are all the same and they might as well be reading from the same script.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 29, 2011 Posted January 29, 2011 Thanks for your post. I agree he has passions if he has a need to look at porn etc. He has just always refused to invite me into any of them. He is sexually prudish to me. If he is doing anything else it is not from want of trying to be open with him. And if he is then so be it. I cant converse with him about anything, I dont think I care anymore. Also, as a note, I thought before he was angry because he wasnt getting any, so forced myself (I have never had to force myself in a relationship before) and he still got angry, so I think it is just me in general x. No dear, if he has a porn issue it will make him (in my personal experience) worse and unfocused in bed, conflict-avoidant, critical and a real moody bastard who whines about every little detail and blames you for a lot of stuff. This is punctuated by short-lived guilt on his part. It isn't you, it really does warp the chemical balance of these guy's brains in a lot of instances. It isn't really known for producing empathy and patience. When my H quit porn he became a much better (although still pain in the ass) person and I could see his boundaries and expectations getting better as well as his focus shifting back to being a great Dad for his daughter. When that normal chemical balance returns it is normal for a sexual drought to happen for a bit while everything sorts itself out.
Author Littlemadam Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 Thanks everyone for your responses. Good and bad. Yes, I should have left the marriage before I did anything. I am not proud. As for me painting myself in such light, I have re-read and the only thing I would do is requote myself: "I am in a predicament, and I suppose it is all my fault, I should never have got married. I hoped at the time my husband would still love me, and we would not argue as much. We have been married 7 months, and had sex once. Partially down to me and losing my drive through my depo injection, and just him not having any ambitions in the bedroom. He has never really excited me, and its all the same old same old." It takes two to argue, I lost the sex drive. I had the kiss with another man (it's not even an affair). I maybe a bit lazy around the house, but then he is too. As for anything else I have tried and tried. Cried so many times, and always wanted to resolve the issues. We have talked and talked, he has promised to stop, but it never does. An update is we are splitting, as I was privvy to some more screaming this morning. I broke down at work yesterday and I just cant live like this anymore.
Distant78 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 It takes two to argue, I lost the sex drive. I had the kiss with another man (it's not even an affair). You're still trying to justify your cheating. If you lost your sex drive you wouldn't be cheating on your husband.
Author Littlemadam Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 You're still trying to justify your cheating. If you lost your sex drive you wouldn't be cheating on your husband. I really am not! I there is no justification for cheating. I can see how I am coming across wrong. My subject header surely shows that? xxx
moloko Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 It takes two to argue, I lost the sex drive. I had the kiss with another man (it's not even an affair). this is typical. "its not even". simply an attempt to downplay your behavior
Distant78 Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I really am not! I there is no justification for cheating. I can see how I am coming across wrong. My subject header surely shows that? xxx But you said you kissed another man, even though you lost your sex drive.
carrie999 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Hi guys, I am in a predicament, and I suppose it is all my fault, I should never have got married. I hoped at the time my husband would still love me, and we would not argue as much. We have been married 7 months, and had sex once. Partially down to me and losing my drive through my depo injection, and just him not having any ambitions in the bedroom. He has never really excited me, and its all the same old same old. Anyway, he has got more and more angry with any little thing I do, he acts as if he hates me, calls me a stupid bitch, puts me down. Doesnt do anything really to make me feel loved. He can be great, and loving, but at the flick of a switch can be shouting at me for doing something small, like asking him a question. Anyway, over the last week I had had enough, I couldnt speak to him, and he was blaming me for his anger. I decided to spend each night in the other room, and this weekend go out and do my own thing, after every weekend in the last 6 months having an argument, this was my time to go out and get away from it all. I have been looking to get back into an old hobby of mine, and there has been someone I have been speaking to on the forum just talking about it. We met up yesterday to go and do said hobby, and lo and behold the way we got on online was even better in person. I ended up having a great day, and god did we flirt. We kissed by the end of it, and I didnt even think about my husband. I dont feel guilty and that is upsetting me. I dont want a relationship with this man, although he is a great guy, but we just got on and had a really good time, something I am unable to do with my h. I really dont know what to do as me and H are in the process of buying a house, and the exchange part is on hold while I try and think what to do. In some ways it would be better if I could get the house, and pay for it. But cant do that alone. This mortgage is so much cheaper than renting anywhere. I know I cant have my cake and eat it, I dont want sympathy, just someone that has maybe been in a similar situation and give good honest advice. I feel like my husbands constant laying into me has pushed me away, I have cried so much at home on my own, I am just scared of admitting this marriage was all wrong in the first place. Thank you x End your marriage now!!! Your husband is abusive. This marriage was wrong in the first place. You know this. You're lucky you haven't already finalized the process of buying a house together. Get out!
carrie999 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Please divorce your husband so he can find someone who really cares about him. I'm sorry...someone who really cares about him? I understand that we're only hearing one side of the story which may be skewed, but that's all we have to go on. Did you not read the part where he basically calls her a stupid bitch and screams at her? If this is at all true, he doesn't deserve anybody right now. IMHO, infidelity is the least of the issues here.
carrie999 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I read your thread and I read a lot of carefully couched mumbo jumbo about how you are the victim in this marriage and that's what prompted you to have an affair. It's so much BS and I'm certain you are only telling the partial story, framed in such a manner to portray you in the best light. Here's the bottom line.....YOU CHEATED. That's the end of the story. I don't care if he beat you, hung you by your feet over boiling oil, called you a B**** 100 times a day, that does not justify CHEATING. It justifies leaving your marriage, but that's all. It strikes me as very selfish that after YOU CHEATED, suddenly the marriage in your mind is over because you experienced some greener grass. You sought an escape because you were unhappy. WHY???? Instead, why didn't you attend counseling? Why didn't you have an adult honest conversation with your husband? Why didn't you expend the energy you have for your new hobby instead into fixing your marriage? Cheaters are all the same and they might as well be reading from the same script. So are abusive people. Physical torture is excusable, but kissing someone else is unforgivable? Please...
Distant78 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I'm sorry...someone who really cares about him? I understand that we're only hearing one side of the story which may be skewed, but that's all we have to go on. Did you not read the part where he basically calls her a stupid bitch and screams at her? If this is at all true, he doesn't deserve anybody right now. Do you not see that she cheated? IMHO, infidelity is the least of the issues here. Uhh, sorry infidelity is not the least of the issues here. Cheaters rewrite marital history to justify their actions. If the marriage was bad then she should've left before cheating.
Author Littlemadam Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 this is typical. "its not even". simply an attempt to downplay your behavior I know a kiss is cheating, and wrong, just you can hardly say a kiss is as bad as leading him on for years while having an in depth relationship for many years (which is what I class as an affair). Me and H have not spoken for 3 weeks now, that is hardly a marriage, and when we try and talk it turns into an argument. But you said you kissed another man, even though you lost your sex drive. I had been on depo for 5 or 6 years, I came off it in June, and the effects are just starting to wear off (ie period is back etc). So yes, I kissed another man recently as I was attracted to him. I had not done anything sexually to myself for 5 years, and then it gradually came back, I cant with my H as we are never getting along long enough to want to. But I do agree it is no excuse for cheating. I need to end the relationship before I do anything else. That is why it was only a kiss, when it could have been more. Do you not see that she cheated? Uhh, sorry infidelity is not the least of the issues here. Cheaters rewrite marital history to justify their actions. If the marriage was bad then she should've left before cheating. What I think is disgusting that abusive husbands are allowed to boil me alive, but after years and years of being an emotional punch bag and I make one mistake and I am allowed to be brutally attacked by a man?!?! Seriously, I think some people on here are still hurting from being cheated on or something. I have been loyal all my life, I have totally given both sides of the story. So if he gets to hitting me, shall I just ask him to continue as I cheated!? GET A GRIP!
Author Littlemadam Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 End your marriage now!!! Your husband is abusive. This marriage was wrong in the first place. You know this. You're lucky you haven't already finalized the process of buying a house together. Get out! Thank you Carrie, for all your input in this thread. It feels like you understand xxxx I want to leave him so badly, but I just feel so scared on making it so final. I have been Googling how to get the courage to leave and stuff, so hopefully soon something will fall into place. I broke down at work the other day as I just couldnt handle it anymore, yet I feel to weak to leave. I really need to sort myself out hey xxx
Distant78 Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I know a kiss is cheating, and wrong, just you can hardly say a kiss is as bad as leading him on for years while having an in depth relationship for many years (which is what I class as an affair). Me and H have not spoken for 3 weeks now, that is hardly a marriage, and when we try and talk it turns into an argument. I had been on depo for 5 or 6 years, I came off it in June, and the effects are just starting to wear off (ie period is back etc). So yes, I kissed another man recently as I was attracted to him. I had not done anything sexually to myself for 5 years, and then it gradually came back, I cant with my H as we are never getting along long enough to want to. But I do agree it is no excuse for cheating. I need to end the relationship before I do anything else. That is why it was only a kiss, when it could have been more. What I think is disgusting that abusive husbands are allowed to boil me alive, but after years and years of being an emotional punch bag and I make one mistake and I am allowed to be brutally attacked by a man?!?! Seriously, I think some people on here are still hurting from being cheated on or something. I have been loyal all my life, I have totally given both sides of the story. So if he gets to hitting me, shall I just ask him to continue as I cheated!? GET A GRIP! The fact of the matter is that if the marriage was not good or getting better you should've simply divorced, not cheat. What you did was not a mistake, it was a conscious decision to cheat. Not out to burn you but you must own that fully.
Author Littlemadam Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 The fact of the matter is that if the marriage was not good or getting better you should've simply divorced, not cheat. What you did was not a mistake, it was a conscious decision to cheat. Not out to burn you but you must own that fully. No I agree Distant. And that is the ethos I have always had, my mum cheated and I hated her for it. Why stay with someone when you want to do stuff with others. I still dont get that, I regret doing it, and am ashamed xxx
samsungxoxo Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 No need to really feel guilty at all because your husband doesn't deserve someone who cares about him. Why should you feel bad about cheating on an abuser and uncaring man? What he deserves is to find a hooker. You don't love him (I wouldn't either) but neither does he so just file for divorce and don't walk, run....
samsungxoxo Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 So are abusive people. Physical torture is excusable, but kissing someone else is unforgivable? Please... Honestly I would rather be cheated on (putting the STD's and pregnancy thing aside) and be upset for a little while about the emotional burden they put me through than be verbally/emotional torture on a daily basis like the OP. What she did is nothing compare to the type of man her so called ''husband'' is.
carrie999 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 What he deserves is to find a hooker. You don't love him (I wouldn't either) but neither does he so just file for divorce and don't walk, run.... Completely agreed. The fact of the matter is that if the marriage was not good or getting better you should've simply divorced, not cheat. What you did was not a mistake, it was a conscious decision to cheat. Not out to burn you but you must own that fully. You are so angry at anyone that cheats that you have no perspective whatsoever, and cannot be taken seriously. I always believed that anyone who is contemplating getting involved with someone else should break away from any commitments first. And I'll never justify cheating (particularly my own part in it), but this woman kissed another man after months of verbal abuse. Get a grip. Prioritize. Kissing another person pales in comparison here. You need to seek counseling, because you're so bitter and angry that you're attacking random people on message boards rather than dealing with your own problems. Honestly I would rather be cheated on (putting the STD's and pregnancy thing aside) and be upset for a little while about the emotional burden they put me through than be verbally/emotional torture on a daily basis like the OP. What she did is nothing compare to the type of man her so called ''husband'' is. Both would send me running, but I'd agree with you here, samsung...nobody deserves to be emotionally tortured.
Distant78 Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 You are so angry at anyone that cheats that you have no perspective whatsoever, and cannot be taken seriously. No I'm not angry because I don't feel sorry for cheaters and I do have a valuable perspective. I think I am taken pretty seriously if I have folks who care about me. I always believed that anyone who is contemplating getting involved with someone else should break away from any commitments first. And I'll never justify cheating (particularly my own part in it), but this woman kissed another man after months of verbal abuse. Get a grip. Prioritize. Kissing another person pales in comparison here. You need to seek counseling, because you're so bitter and angry that you're attacking random people on message boards rather than dealing with your own problems. Kissing another man outside of a marriage does not pale in comparison and you're husband abusing you and you cheating on him calls for some counseling, not me. No offense.
moloko Posted February 3, 2011 Posted February 3, 2011 No need to really feel guilty at all because your husband doesn't deserve someone who cares about him. Why should you feel bad about cheating on an abuser and uncaring man? its not about feeling guilty over him. its about feeling guilty because now she is a cheater. she now has that undesirable characteristic under her belt. being abusive is a reason to leave the bas###, not cheat. you don't stoop to a level just because someone else has.
seibert253 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 You're better off without him, he's better off without you. This one's a no brainer in my book.
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