Littlemadam Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hi guys, I am in a predicament, and I suppose it is all my fault, I should never have got married. I hoped at the time my husband would still love me, and we would not argue as much. We have been married 7 months, and had sex once. Partially down to me and losing my drive through my depo injection, and just him not having any ambitions in the bedroom. He has never really excited me, and its all the same old same old. Anyway, he has got more and more angry with any little thing I do, he acts as if he hates me, calls me a stupid bitch, puts me down. Doesnt do anything really to make me feel loved. He can be great, and loving, but at the flick of a switch can be shouting at me for doing something small, like asking him a question. Anyway, over the last week I had had enough, I couldnt speak to him, and he was blaming me for his anger. I decided to spend each night in the other room, and this weekend go out and do my own thing, after every weekend in the last 6 months having an argument, this was my time to go out and get away from it all. I have been looking to get back into an old hobby of mine, and there has been someone I have been speaking to on the forum just talking about it. We met up yesterday to go and do said hobby, and lo and behold the way we got on online was even better in person. I ended up having a great day, and god did we flirt. We kissed by the end of it, and I didnt even think about my husband. I dont feel guilty and that is upsetting me. I dont want a relationship with this man, although he is a great guy, but we just got on and had a really good time, something I am unable to do with my h. I really dont know what to do as me and H are in the process of buying a house, and the exchange part is on hold while I try and think what to do. In some ways it would be better if I could get the house, and pay for it. But cant do that alone. This mortgage is so much cheaper than renting anywhere. I know I cant have my cake and eat it, I dont want sympathy, just someone that has maybe been in a similar situation and give good honest advice. I feel like my husbands constant laying into me has pushed me away, I have cried so much at home on my own, I am just scared of admitting this marriage was all wrong in the first place. Thank you x
jnj express Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 This is real simple---you should NOT be married, at least to your present H. Do not buy the house, and stop your screwing around with this other guy. You are in the hot passion time of a mge., everything should be wonderful, fun, enjoyable---all you do is fight---so obviously the 2 of you hooked up way to soon, w/out knowing what things were really gonna be like once you tied the knot. Just get your D., move on, and enjoy life---right now you are living a miserable life---fighting with a H., and feeling guilty about starting to have feelings for another man----very simple solution-----get your D, and move on. Do not be scared to get the D., as you really have little/nothing invested in your so called mge.----Get out---run fast.
Author Littlemadam Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 This is real simple---you should NOT be married, at least to your present H. Do not buy the house, and stop your screwing around with this other guy. You are in the hot passion time of a mge., everything should be wonderful, fun, enjoyable---all you do is fight---so obviously the 2 of you hooked up way to soon, w/out knowing what things were really gonna be like once you tied the knot. Just get your D., move on, and enjoy life---right now you are living a miserable life---fighting with a H., and feeling guilty about starting to have feelings for another man----very simple solution-----get your D, and move on. Do not be scared to get the D., as you really have little/nothing invested in your so called mge.----Get out---run fast. That's a really helpful post, thank you xxx I can stop the house buying as much as it would be saving so much money and I have worked so hard at saving (much more than H). The other guy can wait, so I can see how you are right there. I dont deserve to live like this, and neither does he. We never had a honeymoon period, and he is so un romantic and adventurous there is nothing there. And I am such a passionate person. I just feel such a failure for getting a divorce so soon. I will break my parents hearts. If anything I have learned such a lesson from this. I now feel like a woman when I am out on my own, not the verbal punch bag I am at home. I have started to make effort on myself, and feel so much more confident. Thank you for not passing judgement but seeing what I couldnt really see xxxxx
Distant78 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Please divorce your husband so he can find someone who really cares about him.
nsphere Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Yep, agree with the advice. You and your hubby may both be good people but when it's wrong you can find yourselves cutting each other down and getting on each other's nerves for the most trivial things. Be grateful you haven't invested too much time and end it so that you both can move on and find more fulfilling relationships. And at the end of the day, you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you did the right thing.
michelangelo Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 It was a mistake to marry a man who doesn't want intimate relations with his new wife. Get your marriage annulled. Do not buy that house with him! Move out and find joy. Life's too short to waste it. You enjoyed the contrast to your joyless marriage on an evening out. Don't sweat it.
bentnotbroken Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 This isn't a marriage it is a dysfunctional mess. Move on.
Bryanp Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Do you think that the reason for his anger is that you have only allowed him to have sex with you once in 7 months? Either way get a divorce and move on for the both of you.
Author Littlemadam Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Yep, agree with the advice. You and your hubby may both be good people but when it's wrong you can find yourselves cutting each other down and getting on each other's nerves for the most trivial things. Be grateful you haven't invested too much time and end it so that you both can move on and find more fulfilling relationships. And at the end of the day, you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you did the right thing. I agree with you here, we are both nice people, it is just when he is with me he turns nasty and we just dont have a good time (very rarely). The spend too much time on it thing is such a valid point, I am 27 now so young enough to still enjoy myself and have a life I want and work hard for. It was a mistake to marry a man who doesn't want intimate relations with his new wife. Get your marriage annulled. Do not buy that house with him! Move out and find joy. Life's too short to waste it. You enjoyed the contrast to your joyless marriage on an evening out. Don't sweat it. This is what has scared me into action and thinking. I cannot remember a time I had such a good weekend. I have never flirted like that with husband, and he has never been so flirtatious back. I think the reason I went with him was because he seemed safe and secure. There was never any thrill. Do you think that the reason for his anger is that you have only allowed him to have sex with you once in 7 months? Either way get a divorce and move on for the both of you. It's not just me with the sex thing. He has never been adventurous, he has no fantasies, yet will look at porn in secret, when I love porn and would love to try new things together. It got to the stage a year or so ago that he was only ever nice to me when he wanted it. Then we would be back to being miserable. I have actually grown to resent it when he does the come on. I have decided I want to leave, I am just so scared of the unknown. I never wanted this to happen xxx
jnj express Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hey littlemadam---1st you DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT YOUR PARENTS THINK---they have their life---you have yours 2nd---the unknown, you might just find is gonna be a lot better---than the total misery you are in now, and will continue to be in if you stay with this guy 3rd---If you do buy the house---get it in your name only---do not tie yourself into anything with your H---soon to be X, we all hope 4th---you did not have any trouble meeting the guy, you got frisky with---so you won't have any trouble meeting others once you are single Take care of yourself
moloko Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 well your H probably feels neglected by you, whether its your depo shots or not. it doesn't excuse the names he calls you, and it doesn't justify you cheating. but you said you have no drive, yet you do for this other man? You have only been married 7 months. get an annullment before its too late. That way you can find someone you are attracted to, and he can find someone that is attracted to him and won't neglect him.
moloko Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 It was a mistake to marry a man who doesn't want intimate relations with his new wife. read again, I think they don't have sex because she doesn't want it with him.
Author Littlemadam Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Hey littlemadam---1st you DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT YOUR PARENTS THINK---they have their life---you have yours 2nd---the unknown, you might just find is gonna be a lot better---than the total misery you are in now, and will continue to be in if you stay with this guy 3rd---If you do buy the house---get it in your name only---do not tie yourself into anything with your H---soon to be X, we all hope 4th---you did not have any trouble meeting the guy, you got frisky with---so you won't have any trouble meeting others once you are single Take care of yourself Thank you so much JNJ - it seems you really know how I feel and what will help me xxxx. I have pretty much resigned myself to losing the money we have put into solicitor fees and stuff, and with the amount I had saved it is a small amount to lose, and as you say could be so much worse when the house is bought and ownership is shared xxx I know my parents will be ok, it will just break their heart, but I know they will be understanding. Thank you x well your H probably feels neglected by you, whether its your depo shots or not. it doesn't excuse the names he calls you, and it doesn't justify you cheating. but you said you have no drive, yet you do for this other man? You have only been married 7 months. get an annullment before its too late. That way you can find someone you are attracted to, and he can find someone that is attracted to him and won't neglect him. Hi Moloko, I agree he probably does feel neglected, the depo shot was a nightmare, and I have been off it for the last 6 months, and only now is anything happening down there. That is my fault, wholly agree. He has never had a high sex drive though, never done anything different, wont share his passions with me. I am such an adventurous person, I really should have seen that I was making a huge mistake. Is there such thing as a happy medium? Someone that is sexually like you, and also makes you feel safe? I unfortunately have never met that person. Agreed nothing justifies the cheating, I just know what drove me to Sunday and it shows me and husband are not right. From not feeling guilty, I am starting to feel sorry for him. But then he'll lay into me again and we will be back where we started. Argh. Never ever thought I would have this happen xxx
heartshaped Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 You ever notice how now a days when people have the first little problem in their marriage the first advice people offer is divorce? And that's the first thing most people jump to do. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. You've only been married seven months and nothing you have said [in my personal opinion] warrants a divorce. I think you need to have a nice, long talk with your husband and if he isn't willing to get the counseling the two of you so desperately need and the counseling that he needs to get for his anger issues then you need to tell him that you want a divorce. You also need to confess to kissing this man if you want any hopes of rebuilding your marriage. I wouldn't give up just after seven months even if you maybe shouldn't have married him because honestly, it sounds as if the two of you had a good deal of issues that should have been handled before the marriage, but weren't so now these issues have followed into your marriage and things are going downhill quickly.
jenifer1972 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I can assure you he has sexual passions, they are just being funneled elsewhere. His lack of enthusiasm for you, grouchiness and secret porn usage.. Put on a keylogger and you will have a huge eye opener...
Author Littlemadam Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 You ever notice how now a days when people have the first little problem in their marriage the first advice people offer is divorce? And that's the first thing most people jump to do. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. You've only been married seven months and nothing you have said [in my personal opinion] warrants a divorce. I think you need to have a nice, long talk with your husband and if he isn't willing to get the counseling the two of you so desperately need and the counseling that he needs to get for his anger issues then you need to tell him that you want a divorce. You also need to confess to kissing this man if you want any hopes of rebuilding your marriage. I wouldn't give up just after seven months even if you maybe shouldn't have married him because honestly, it sounds as if the two of you had a good deal of issues that should have been handled before the marriage, but weren't so now these issues have followed into your marriage and things are going downhill quickly. Thanks Heartshshaped. I agree it is so soon to end a marriage, I never thought I would feel so pushed to the limit so soon in. I have a close friend here who says this should be the last resort, and how we should work at it. Currently it is filling me with dread going home, I feel so much resentment against him. All the times he has laid into me, ruined nights out I have already paid for because he is sulking. If we can and decide to sort things I cant do it now. I cant look at him. I currently dont want to be with him. I feel numb xxx Agreed there were so many issues before, and I was naive, and all that has happened is it has got worse. He certainly never used to be so angry. I can assure you he has sexual passions, they are just being funneled elsewhere. His lack of enthusiasm for you, grouchiness and secret porn usage.. Put on a keylogger and you will have a huge eye opener... Hi Jenifer, Thanks for your post. I agree he has passions if he has a need to look at porn etc. He has just always refused to invite me into any of them. He is sexually prudish to me. If he is doing anything else it is not from want of trying to be open with him. And if he is then so be it. I cant converse with him about anything, I dont think I care anymore. Also, as a note, I thought before he was angry because he wasnt getting any, so forced myself (I have never had to force myself in a relationship before) and he still got angry, so I think it is just me in general x
jenifer1972 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 No, I don't think it is you. There is more going on than you have identified yet. Something is off that is being covered up. I am not one to recommend divorce, but more is wrong than you have discovered yet.
Author Littlemadam Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Interesting comment, thank you. Shame I dont know what it is. I know his parents brought him up thinking porn and sex was wrong, and that is why he was embarrassed/ashamed. I dont think he wants to be with me, with the way he lays into me all the time. I am so depressed about going home tonight, I leave in 20 minutes and am already in tears dreading being near him. xxx
Goldenspoon Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Face the situation: Tell your husband you have been chatting with some guy online and you met and kissed. This will: 1) Wake him up about the problems in your marriage and force him to do something about it. 2) Allow him the opportunity to work on the problems and make decisions. 3) Discontinue YOU as a cheating wife.
Distant78 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Face the situation: Tell your husband you have been chatting with some guy online and you met and kissed. This will: 1) Wake him up about the problems in your marriage and force him to do something about it. 2) Allow him the opportunity to work on the problems and make decisions. 3) Discontinue YOU as a cheating wife. Oh yea it'll wake him up alright. It'll let him know what she's capable of.
Author Littlemadam Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Thank you Golden Spoon, your points are very valid, and it would force him to make a decision straight away. If I decide to stay I will have to tell him. Distant, I really dont agree with you there. Yes, I cheated. In the same breath should he be allowed to lie to me? To call me degrading names? Use me as his verbal punch bag? I am in no way innocent here, but does it not matter what someone does as long as they arent cheating? I certainly would never have done what I did (all I wanted to do was continue my hobby and make friends, it just turned out different, and wrong I add), if he hadn't laid into me, and for such a long time. I feel like I am wasting so much of my life with someone who doesnt care what he says to me and scares me.
heartshaped Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Interesting comment, thank you. Shame I dont know what it is. I know his parents brought him up thinking porn and sex was wrong, and that is why he was embarrassed/ashamed. I dont think he wants to be with me, with the way he lays into me all the time. I am so depressed about going home tonight, I leave in 20 minutes and am already in tears dreading being near him. xxx I actually was going to ask you if he might be embarrassed/ashamed about it. I find more and more people were raised to think sex was wrong as a means to scare them away from having sex as a teenager and then once they get into a healthy, normal relationship/marriage they cannot seem to bring themselves to properly enjoy sex and be open with their partner. I think his anger might be stemming from the fact that he wants to have sex with you and be open with you about his desires/needs, but he can't because he was raised to think it was something bad. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't have married you. I just think he has some personal issues that he needs to work out as well as some issues that the two of you need to work out together that can only be accomplished through therapy. As hard as it is, you are going to have to have a serious talk with him for the sake of your marriage and it might even be best that the two of you live separately for the time being. You need to show him that it's either the two of you fix this or you aren't going to be together any longer. He only lays into you because a) he doesn't know how else to handle his emotions and b) you let him.
Distant78 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Distant, I really dont agree with you there. Yes, I cheated. In the same breath should he be allowed to lie to me? To call me degrading names? Use me as his verbal punch bag? I am in no way innocent here, but does it not matter what someone does as long as they arent cheating? I certainly would never have done what I did (all I wanted to do was continue my hobby and make friends, it just turned out different, and wrong I add), if he hadn't laid into me, and for such a long time. I feel like I am wasting so much of my life with someone who doesnt care what he says to me and scares me. I don't agree with you either but honestly, all I see is more justifications for your affair. I don't know how can you cheat and expect for him to be a nice guy to you right now. If the marriage was this bad, then why cheat knowing that will make things worse? Why didn't you just divorce him before cheating? I'm sure he feels like he's wasting his time with you also and that is why I suggested divorce.
Lucky_One Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I cannot remember a time I had such a good weekend. I have never flirted like that with husband, and he has never been so flirtatious back. It's not just me with the sex thing. He has never been adventurous, he has no fantasies, yet will look at porn in secret, when I love porn and would love to try new things together. It got to the stage a year or so ago that he was only ever nice to me when he wanted it. Then we would be back to being miserable. I have actually grown to resent it when he does the come on. You know what I think? I think we could get an entirely different story if her H came here to post. What if we had read: "I am only married 7 months, and my W has only let me have sex with her once. She says she has zero libido from her depo shot, but she refuses to try some other type of BC. She does not flirt with me, she does not appear to be attracted to me. I do watch porn, but I do it secretly, as she acts so resentful about me when I try to approach her. She stays on the computer all the time, talking with these people on some online forum about birdwatching. I get mad with her when she is on her laptop from the time she comes home until we go to bed. Actually, for a week now, she won't even come to bed - she is sleeping in the other room. She went out today to meet some man that she has been flirting with online - but she calls it "reconnecting with her hobby"! - and she doesn't even bother telling me about it. She makes plans for us to go out, but doesn't consult me about it at all - and even pays money for those things, which we can't afford. She claims that she is very passionate, but she surely doesn't act like it, as her depo shot has killed that part of her. I think that she has changed so much since this online forum for birdwatching. What should I do?? Signed, Big Master" You say that you have no libido, but you certainly have it for this new guy. You say that you love porn and want to be adventurous, but you have no libido - so how can that be? You say your H has no interest in you, but then you say you are repulsed when he comes on to you. Are you re-writing the history of your R, in order to get a more sympathetic audience?
moloko Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I certainly would never have done what I did (all I wanted to do was continue my hobby and make friends, it just turned out different, and wrong I add), if he hadn't laid into me, and for such a long time. thats a reason to LEAVE him. quit trying to justify what you did. IMO, cheating is a form of mental abuse. Your H, although we haven't heard his side, by your accounts sounds like a mental abuser. And by you cheating, you have become no better. I feel like I am wasting so much of my life with someone who doesnt care what he says to me and scares me. then leave him!!!!!
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