Are we supporting or enabling a friend?

[sunshinegirl]

My husband has a longtime friend who has been underemployed for close to two years now (he was laid off from a music teacher job). He’s not doing very well – catering work is slow this time of year, he won’t consider substitute teaching, and he’s not interviewing for many jobs (either because they’re not out there, or he doesn’t like what he is finding). He is carless, depressed and borderline alcoholic. Or not even borderline – he gets smashed on a regular basis.

 

My husband and I have been debating where the line is between helping someone in need, and enabling their unhealthy choices. The friend isn’t particularly motivated to find meaningful work – he is in a serious depressive slump and if he’s not working catering gigs, he is either holed up in his apartment, out drinking with friends, or Skyping with a match.com woman who lives on another continent. My husband has occasionally helped line up temporary work for him, and suggests job leads when he knows of them. The friend has rejected many of the permanent job ideas, presumably because they’re not what he wants to do. (Though I don’t think he even knows what he wants to do.)

 

The topic came up again today because I have a business trip this week, and will be leaving my car at home for three days. DH wondered whether we should offer my car to the friend, so he can have wheels for a few days. I was hesitant about carte blanche offering him the car (especially since he never refuels our vehicles!), but said that if he asked to borrow it because he had some need for it, I’d be happy to lend it.

 

I’m not sure drawing that line made much sense; hence posting this thread. My husband and I both share a concern for the friend and want to be supportive, but neither of us is sure how to help him. Concretely speaking, we’ve suggested job leads, lent him money ($500), loaned him our cars, and my DH gave him access to his parents’ vacation home recently, to facilitate his wooing of the international woman mentioned above. I told the friend last week that if he ever needs to escape the four walls of his apartment, he’s welcome to come over to our place for some company.

 

I don’t see him snapping out of this funk unless (1) he lands some amazing job that bolsters his wallet and self-confidence or (2) he personally sees a need for counseling (or rehab!). I consider the likelihood of either of those events happening in the near future as slim given his lack of motivation.

 

We have agreed that we will not lend him more money, unless it’s a truly emergency situation. Beyond that, though, we are left wondering where we should draw the line while still being supportive friends. Lend him our cars? Carte blanche? With conditions? What else can or should we do?

[Vesna]

Don't lend him your car. For a start, he returns it with an empty tank and secondly, he might write it off when he's drunk. It sounds as if he doesn't have the willpower to get well and counselling sounds like an option. If you keep enabling him he will keep drinking and finding excuses for his lack.

 

Don't expect understanding gratitude when you deny him the use of your car or the vacation home where he can Skype his bs to a prospective date. Definitely don't lend him more money. This bloke likes the way things are because it is easy to evade responsibility.

 

Just a thought. Why would he be on a dating site when he has nothing to bring into a relationship? I'm not talking about his chronic unemployment.

[Hibou]

I've been the depressed, self-abusive wreck, and I've also had friends who were mentally ill. It's tough to know when you're

 

When I was depressed, it was actually a similar situation. I got fired, and searched for 2 years for a job. I only JUST got hired again. I gained 30 lbs., drank constantly, cried all the time, and couldn't get my s*** together at all. I felt like less than a human for taking handouts from my parents and friends, and that guilt only fueled my inability to improve the situation. This was only a year ago. I was the total opposite of the person I felt like I could be, and I didn't know why I was such a mess.

 

I can't speak for your friend, but I can say that for some people, being unemployed is intensely humiliating. That whole time, what I wanted more than anything was to feel like someone understood how I felt, and to help me figure out what went wrong. I didn't have any money, so I couldn't afford therapy. I didn't look for jobs for months, because I honestly just had to rebuild myself from the ground up. I know it sounds touchy-feely and totally Oprah, but I think he probably needs emotional support and guidance more than he needs a car. I don't know him or you, but I'd turn up the emotional support and taper off on the lending and loaning. Therapy would be really great if he'd be open to it.

[Kamille]

Hi Sunshinegirl! So nice to see you around.

 

I know I'm late to this thread but I'm wondering : what are the chances he would have used the car to facilitate job hunting?

[TaraMaiden]

Sunshinegirl, permit me to input something from my "neck of the woods"....

 

I am not intending or wishing to proselytise, but this is the kind of issue an awful lot of Buddhists wrestle with, and in my 'research' into the "right thing to do", I have discovered something.

 

There are two kinds of Compassion;

One is Idiot Compassion, the other is Wise Compassion.

 

Idiot compassion supports but disables.

Wise compassion supports AND enables.

Idiot compassion is a crutch and a prop.

Wise Compassion energises and motivates.

Idiot compassion is pity.

Wise Compassion is empathy.

Idiot compassion walks on egg-shells.

Wise compassion kicks @ss. When necessary.

 

Hope this helps.

It may not be timely, though.

[writergal]

I'm not an alcoholic like your husband's friend, but while I've been in graduate school, I've been unemployed and living hand-to-mouth every week. It's debilitating and socially isolating to be unemployed for 2 years. People judge you and think you're not making an effort, when believe me, the opposite is true. There's just no jobs out there, even retail, hospitality or customer service. Like the unemployed music teacher, trying to find a teaching job is as futile as looking for a needle in a haystack if you don't have a solid network of people who can open doors for you.

 

It's horrible to be unemployed because it's a giant hole that's difficult to crawl out of when you've lost your income, along with your dignity and self confidence.

 

Like Hibou wrote, sounds like he's low on emotional support. If I had more emotional support from friends (i.e. inviting me out more socially), I would feel ten times more optimistic about my situation. I'm already in counseling for the depression that comes with long-term unemployment, but having a strong network of emotionally supportive, accepting friends is far more powerful than sitting across from a complete stranger (therapist).

 

Just give him more emotional support without becoming a crutch and see if that helps improve his motivation to job search. Ask him to help you with errands; the more he feels needed by you and his other friends, the quicker he'll bounce back. I wish it for myself too. If only..

Edited February 21, 2011 by writergal

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks for the input, everyone!

 

My husband had a long talk with his friend a week or two ago, saying how worried his friends are about his drinking and his situation in general.

 

Friend agrees very much that he's in a bad place. Said he is not opposed to therapy - I guess he has gone before - but thinks it's only helpful to figure out what's wrong...not what to do to fix it. And he already knows what's wrong - no job & no direction & too much booze. (I would disagree somewhat with that - I think those are surface symptoms of things that go much deeper, but I wasn't there!)

 

The net of the conversation? Friend knows we care, that we're worried, that something needs to change. Interestingly, I think the friend at one point said he doesn't want to borrow more money, he wants to get by on his own.

 

In the meantime, H and I have recently sorted through our own finances, setting up a budget and "allowance" system so that we each have our own play money. If my H wants to, for example, cover the friend's meal if they go out, he can but it will come out of his play money, not our shared resources. And neither of us will be lending him cash outright from now on.

 

I've also decided that I'm willing to lend the friend my car for job-related needs (interviews or temp/day jobs), but on a case-by-case basis that will depend on whether I need the vehicle myself.

 

I'm glad my H had the conversation with his friend. We're still not sure if anything will change, but since we can't control anything the friend does (nor would we want to), we feel like we've established reasonable boundaries that still show him we care.

[sunshinegirl]

Four words, MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! I mean seriously, how emasculating can you be when you aren't even his girlfriend, mother, or grandmother? Get out of his damn business, stop giving him money, stop giving him anything but an ear for his venting and friendly advice. HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! He is a grown man getting pampered by his OVERBEARING friends. No wonder he drinks his ass off! You think a job is going to fix his emotional problems, giving him a cabin to whack off, or a car for jobs? He doesn't need any of that...therapy? Lord, do you know what qualified counseling actually costs? Everyone has it right, stop enabling, stop interfering, sit back and just BE THERE (That doesn't mean monetarily.)

 

Good grief. Put your sword away.

 

I don't quite get where your hostility is coming from and why you seem to be targeting ME (as the wife). I didn't put my husband up to anything - he had the conversation with his friend totally unbeknownst to me; he only told me about it after the fact. You seem to have a problem with the idea that therapy came up in their conversation. Sorry, I guess? It's their friendship and I think my husband is capable of deciding what he wants to discuss with his friend. (As my husband has benefited from therapy himself, it's not surprising to me that he would raise it with the friend.)

 

To be clear, then, the only conversations I have had are with my husband, starting shortly after we got married, about how I am not comfortable lending the friend money or cars given his situation.

 

To be even more clear, those are things my husband had done, on his own, before we got married. I, trying to be supportive of the friendship my then-fiance had with this guy, early on agreed to lend the friend my car on occasion. I never okayed lending the friend money once we merged our finances, and it was last month when my husband wondered about lending the friend my car when I was out of town that we had another round of conversations together about how to handle this friendship...and that's when I posted this thread.

 

I agree that he's a grown man who needs to take responsibility for himself. That's the entire point of this thread.

Edited February 23, 2011 by sunshinegirl