Bad day today

[AC06]

On day 27 NC with the ex. That's alot of days.

 

She hasn't tried to contact me. I haven't tried to contact her. But today, I'm really feeling the pain. I've tried to stop myself this past week from texting her... but the urge to do so gets stronger and stronger and today I'm literally just walking around without my phone just so I can't. Tomorrow I have no work, no plans, and I know from the second I wake up until the second I go to sleep I'll want to contact her, and it's going to drive me insane.

 

She's had a new/old boyfriend for a month as of today. Or, given she gave me the friggin TIME she got a new boyfriend, about three hours after I last spoke to her and she was completely sweet to me.

 

I know it's alot of NC to flush down the toilet and start from scratch. But this is honestly doing my head in, the constant thinking about her. I don't know what good I expect to come from contacting her. But it's gotta be SOMETHING better than this constant nothingness.

 

I don't know what to do.

[KYoung2200]

You will regret it. Know that all that you are feeling right now is part of the -healing- process. To contact her would be to throw all that you have worked for away.

[0hpenelope]

Tomorrow I have no work, no plans, and I know from the second I wake up until the second I go to sleep I'll want to contact her, and it's going to drive me insane.

 

Do something. Idle mind does no one good and all that. Even if you don't feel like it, push yourself to because no good comes out of tormenting yourself with memories of your ex.

 

They really don't deserve the amount of effort and time we put in to get them out of our system. It's starting to tick me off, actually. I'm only going to get better from here and you know what? So will you.

 

She has a new boyfriend? So what? You're still ok, you're still moving on and away from her, you're still on NC. Good job!

[Fern]

Don't do it. You need to ride it out. What possible relief or comfort can she offer you? She created this feeling. Please don't do it.

[AC06]

Thanks guys, I do appreciate it. And I know the advice is always going to be not to contact her, and I know the reasons why. Sometimes you need reaffirming.

 

I understand what 0hpenelope says, too. You put in all the effort to make it work... then it's all on you STILL to get past it. Nice guys (and girls) really do finish last.

 

I'm going to be honest, I've been asking everyone for advice, and I'm just begging for someone to tell me it's okay to text her, and I know nobody will. We had a beautiful relationship, the best I've known ANYONE in my life to have, and she killed it, slowly and methodically. And as much as I want her to accept the blame for that for whatever reason, I think there's more the need to...

 

- Hope I can hear off the good side of her again

- Feel like she cares, at all

- Let her know how hard I'm trying to enjoy my life, and all the new things I'm trying, and that I wish she was still here

 

 

Fact is, I was always honest with her. I'd been suicidal DURING the last few months of the relationship. I had one major breakup before her, and I was really messed up, and I found out once things settled a bit after a couple of months that I'd been on "Suicide Watch" with my friends. I was understanding of why, but still, told them if they'd asked I'd have told them I'd NEVER do that. I felt bad for making them think it.

 

I was suicidal in this relationship. There are days when it's still haunting me, not as strongly, but still there. I was completely depressed because this girl I loved, who'd shown me the kind of love I never thought I'd have, was letting it all slip away. I told her I was suicidal, and she kinda took notice, but literally only the minimal amount (namely telling me "You'll be right"). I made sure she knew it wasn't a ploy (as I'm sure is common) to get what I wanted. It was just how I felt and I wanted her to know why I felt that way. I wanted her to understand my pain. It made me sick to put that on her, but I did.

 

Last month when she'd flipped back to the "other side" of her and completely ignored the month and a half of patching up we'd done, I got really bad. I sent her a text asking for ANYTHING nice in return, because I wasn't coping and I just needed to think she cared. I got nothing. The next day I tried saying goodbye, and told her I hated knowing someone who loved me like she did didn't care anymore. I got "I do care." back immediately, then didn't hear off her for a week.

 

The last time we spoke before I went NC I told her how much it hurt that she's the one I trust, that she's the one I reached out to in my darkest moments, and that she just ignored me like I was nothing. And she pretty much scoffed at me. She knew I was messed up. She hasn't called, texted, nothing. I hate to say it... but I could be dead right now. And she hasn't checked because she needs to cut out the ex to succeed with the new.

 

I just want some kind of impression from her that she cares. Even in the slightest. That she respects me in any way. Even a simple "I did love you" would be enough.

Edited January 24, 2011 by AC06

[PowerOfOne]

I don't know what good I expect to come from contacting her. But it's gotta be SOMETHING better than this constant nothingness.

 

No, it won't. Stay strong buddy. Know that the second you send the text you'll feel even worse. 27 days is something to be very proud of! You've got a free day tomorrow so spoil yourself with something. Something different, something new.

 

The only way i got through the NC was to distract myself. Downtime was a killer.

[0hpenelope]

I just want some kind of impression from her that she cares. Even in the slightest. That she respects me in any way. Even a simple "I did love you" would be enough.

It seems like you want to know she cares, but what will that do for you? Where will you be satisfied if what she gives is anything but a reconciliation with you?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your personal issues. Focus on getting better from them and not so much how she's not caring enough about you. Do it for yourself and not her. Her actions show she doesn't care, so why bother with her?

 

Really, please seek a counselor if you can afford one. She's a waste of your time. Focus on yourself.

[AC06]

It seems like you want to know she cares, but what will that do for you? Where will you be satisfied if what she gives is anything but a reconciliation with you?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your personal issues. Focus on getting better from them and not so much how she's not caring enough about you. Do it for yourself and not her. Her actions show she doesn't care, so why bother with her?

 

Really, please seek a counselor if you can afford one. She's a waste of your time. Focus on yourself.

 

It'd satisfy me to know she's not turned into a completely despicable human being, I think.

 

Have definitely looked into counselling, I'm not sure what to expect, but it can only help I guess.

[0hpenelope]

It'd satisfy me to know she's not turned into a completely despicable human being, I think.

 

Have definitely looked into counselling, I'm not sure what to expect, but it can only help I guess.

 

We can only hope with some dumpers.

 

How are you? Did you keep yourself busy today?

[carhill]

Just change your contact information. Simple. Erase her.

[strength-abounds]

Stay strong brother. We have all walked in your shoes and we all understand the emotions that plague you right now. Believe me when I say this that it will get better. I promise. Keep the NC. It is truly the best way to heal.

 

Remember, silence is a source of great strength.

[selena_cat]

I had a bad day too,it seems sometimes the weekends unless i'm doing something fun,and distracting i'm just itching to contact him. Knowing thats not a wise move,question i always ask myself is why should you show the dumper that you need them more than they need you?

 

 

its hard, i know,hey lets all pair up and NC buddy eachother. PM me or anyone if you feel the urge to connect with the ex.

Edited January 25, 2011 by selena_cat

[AC06]

I haven't caved... yet. But it really is only a matter of time at this point, we'll see how it goes I guess.

 

We can only hope with some dumpers.

 

How are you? Did you keep yourself busy today?

 

I did! I did a bit of cleaning and went out driving and shopping. It didn't stop me thinking about her, you know, ALL day, but it wasn't quite as bad as I had anticipated. Constant, but not as bad as I'd thought.

 

Just change your contact information. Simple. Erase her.

 

Changing my details won't change hers, sadly.

 

Stay strong brother. We have all walked in your shoes and we all understand the emotions that plague you right now. Believe me when I say this that it will get better. I promise. Keep the NC. It is truly the best way to heal.

 

Remember, silence is a source of great strength.

 

Oh, even though it will take seemingly forever, I know it will die down. But it will take a LONG time, and it disappoints me that it isn't now.

 

I had a bad day too,it seems sometimes the weekends unless i'm doing something fun,and distracting i'm just itching to contact him. Knowing thats not a wise move,question i always ask myself is why should you show the dumper that you need them more than they need you?

 

 

its hard, i know,hey lets all pair up and NC buddy eachother. PM me or anyone if you feel the urge to connect with the ex.

 

NC buddies would actually be a fairly good idea for alot of people.

[0hpenelope]

I haven't caved... yet. But it really is only a matter of time at this point, we'll see how it goes I guess.

 

 

 

I did! I did a bit of cleaning and went out driving and shopping. It didn't stop me thinking about her, you know, ALL day, but it wasn't quite as bad as I had anticipated. Constant, but not as bad as I'd thought.

That's good, see? You start doing things for yourself, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Activity keeps dwelling at bay, you know?

 

I want to share something with you. I caught up with a good friend today and she's had her fair share of really bad things happen to her for someone so young. Yet she's one of the most positive people I've ever met! Easy smile, easy laughter, such a jokester... I asked her how she's still so happy and she said "Well, life is full of drama. I don't like drama. And when I think of the bad stuff, thinking of them just makes them worse in my head. I don't like that."

 

I call her my role model for good reason. She reminded me of why tonight.

[selena_cat]

hey AC06

 

 

Guess what? I almost almost caved in,found this ultra great song from my all time fave English band and almost sent it to him.

So i'm sending this to you. I'm serious about this NC buddy thing,or post here what you want to say to her,thats better than actually sending it

 

 

 

 

 

so if i dont cave in you shouldnt either

Edited January 25, 2011 by selena_cat

[melenkurion]

They really don't deserve the amount of effort and time we put in to get them out of our system. It's starting to tick me off, actually.

 

I found myself getting cross about this exact thing! I am wearing myself out making sure I am constantly busy to break the addiction, seeing counsellors. They aren't worth it. But it's not for them.

 

But keeping busy is what stops me contacting him.

[AC06]

Well, had a few "easy" hours today where I was distracted and happy, and a few pretty bad hours. Though I did try to enjoy the easy hours for all they were worth, believe me. I have not texted her yet, though I have resigned myself to the fact that I am going to, most probably tomorrow (It's sad that I've planned it days in advance, I know).

 

Today is 30 days NC. It's alot to throw away. But the sad fact is, I've spent every waking second of the past week with the exception of a couple of hours today trying to justify it. I understand all the insanely obvious reasons not to do it. BUt the fact is, I know myself well enough to understand that NC has helped me, but can only do so to a certain point. No matter what, from this point on, until I hear off her or contact her myself, it will CONSTANTLY be on my mind, and it's prohibiting me from enjoying my life like I should be.

 

Thinking of all the obvious reasons not to, I could only come up with a couple of vague reasons to do it (other than the fact that I will feel horrible until I do either way).

 

I think there's an element of "just checking in, see what happens", but there's also an element of "confronting your fear". I remember my first major break up, and after about 6 weeks NC, I was forced to have a discussion with the ex because she worked with the girl I'd started seeing 3 months after we broke up, and she was overstepping her mark so to speak.

 

After that conversation, I felt the best I had in AGES. Partly because I realised she wasn't completely over it (the validation we all seek), but more because I got some form of closure (it wasn't really closure as things continued on multiple fronts, but it was closure at the time for the time being).

 

I don't expect closure from my ex now. I don't expect an apology. I don't expect a magical turnaround of my feelings. I don't know what I expect (today at least).

 

But the way I've been looking at it, no matter the obvious reasons not to (and I appreciate all in this thread who have reminded me, your input HAS been helpful no matter what I do), I think I need to text her just to see what happens. I won't stop considering it until there is contact one way or the other, and it's not something I want to dwell on for months. I may find she's confused with how she feels again, I may find she still doesn't care, I don't know.

 

At best, I will get some insight or some validation that will help me to accept my loss and move on. At worse she is cruel and it DOES hurt me, in which case I will return to NC and be stronger next time and have learned my lesson.

[AC06]

I broke NC. >.<

 

Made it to 31 days, though! Will probably talk about it later.

[0hpenelope]

I broke NC. >.<

 

Made it to 31 days, though! Will probably talk about it later.

I hope it went well for you.

[AC06]

Well..... breaking NC was an experience, I can tell you.

 

The deal is that I wrote out a "It's been a year since we got engaged, sucks we'll never have that again" message. The reply I got was "Miss you, too. PS: There's something I need to tell you."

 

I didn't read the reply at first. She replied in one minute, after midnight. I realised when I got a text I didn't really need to read it. Just to get one at all was enough, I could kid myself it was something vaguely nice, and be moving on. Then I got three missed private calls throughout the next night, and another text before midnight, so I read the first, and the second which said "It was just that someone passed away, but yeah, I'm not sure if you care."

 

I asked who the next night, she said it didn't matter, she's sure I don't care. I told her I wasn't a ****ty person like some people and I still did care, for better or worse, and she said she couldn't write it in a text. She was angling for a phone call. For the record, I still don't know who died. It was probably someone she met one time four years ago or something.

 

About a week later, after a few days not hearing, I sent a text saying I hope she's okay. This lead to a few days of back and forth, her being really nice, little flirty, telling me she moved into the new house and it was so nice and I had to see it, asking if I'm jealous that she has a new coffee maker etc. Eventually she asked to call me at 3am. I told her no because I was still in love with her and that wouldn't be a good idea. She said okay, I apologised, she said it was fine. I sat there wondering who does that? If she's had a new boyfriend for a month, why is she asking to call me at 3am? If she still had a boyfriend, that'd be pretty disrespectful to them.

 

The next day I thought about it and thought maybe I needed to talk to her on the phone. A little to test myself, a little because I felt I needed to explain my position: That I wasn't sure how fair it was on me, her or her new boyfriend for us to be talking. So I texted her and asked if I could call. Two days later I got a response saying "Yeah, you may call whenever you like".

 

I didn't. By the time she got around to responding I was kind of talking to a new girl and considering going somewhere with it. Calling her was irrelevant by that point. If I moved on, that's it, I don't talk to my ex any more, no matter what it is for her.

 

With the other girl, in the end, I didn't go anywhere with it because I wasn't over my ex enough yet, and I didn't think it would be fair on her. Maybe at some other time, but right now I wouldn't be able to give her what she deserves, and that would have been a recipe for failure.

 

A week after she said I could call I got a text with question marks. A week after THAT, I replied with "Hey, sorry, been really busy. How are you? Why question marks?". She replied with "I'm okay thanks... Howa you, dearest? And I sent question marks because you said you wanted to call me and I said you couldnt, but you didn't. "

 

I sent a text the next night telling her sorry again, but I've been busy, and she replied asking me if I would call her that night. I didn't, I was asleep. She called once, then texted me again telling me I'm weird and to delete her number. I replied telling her "Fine, will do. For the record I was asleep. Sorry, but my clock doesn't run according to you any more. If you weren't so impatient I would have called. But as you wish. Goodbye."

 

The next day I got an APOLOGY (first time in a long time, I assure you), saying she was in a bad mood, but that I'd told her the week before I'd call and I still hadn't. She seemed upset about it. I told her that's fine, and that I was going interstate that night so I wouldn't be calling. She told me that was okay, she was going out for her friend's birthday anyway.

 

When I went interstate, sadly, I was FLOODED with memories of her, given how my first trip interstate went (me not wanting to leave her, her wanting to come with me, neither of us being able to wait until we were back in the same place). So I sent a leading message to hear what I already knew: I asked how her night went, and when I could see her new house, she told me "Possibly not at all :/ " about the house, then that she'd had a great night with her boyfriend and friends.

 

I kinda flipped out, broke my laid back streak, and sent a massive message telling her it was completely wrong that our relationship went south because she got new friends and chose them over me from day one, and that calling me dearest and telling me I have to see her new house and being upset I haven't called when she has a boyfriend is completely wrong.

 

Anyway, I read the text the next day. I felt bad and apologised for it, and asked if she could call me later before my train home so I could explain. She called when I was on the train with no reception, I texted her and told her I'll text her when I can. I got back and left it a couple of days, then texted her just asking how she was. I got a few one line responses. I said sher clearly didn't want to speak to me any more and she replied with "Yes I do". I told her I'd text her the next day and went to bed.

 

The next day I texted her again and she was being bitchy. I told her it was unnecessary to be so rude, she said she didn't care what I thought, and that's she's a bitch.

 

SO... on Friday morning I texted her saying I was trying to find some middle ground where we could be friendly, just as friends, and that it clearly wasn't working out as that right now, and asked if she could call after work or something so I could talk to her, where I intended to explain that I was going to bail for a few months, and we'll see if we can work as just friends down the line.

 

She called, I missed it. I called back, and she asked if I got her text. Just then I got a text, and she hung up. The text basically said she couldn't give a **** about me, to delete her number, that she has a new boyfriend who she loves more than anything in the world, and she couldn't care less about texts I send. I asked if I could call to say goodbye. She said no. I said that was a bit harsh on someone she's known for so long, to deprive them of a goodbye. So later she called.

 

She was in her car somewhere, and I was nice, just saying hi. I told her I didn't want to prolong the chat, I was just going to get to the point, and she got a bit narky. She rubbed in my face that she'd gotten smashed the weekend before, made out with her friend and then started trying to tell me what she got up to with her boyfriend. I told her to stop a bunch of times while hardly listening because it was nothing I needed to hear, and eventually she did, but not without going on for a minute or two. I didn't really get much of what she said after she started telling me her best friend and her boyfriend were making out with her nipple ring.

 

I told her it sucked it turned out the way it did, and that I was glad when she got new friends, but I hated how in my face her friend was, how uncomfortable she made me, and how much she clearly disdained me immediately solely based off looks, and that the way her friend treated me was a big turning point in our relationship. She went on to tell me what I already knew, that her friend (who has seen me for a total of twenty minutes in my life) and other friends (who I haven't met) HATED me, and spent most days telling her to break up with me because she can do so much better. This is all based off what I look like. Who cares how long or why we were together, I wasn't hot enough. I told her she'd known her friends a month and me for a year when I first met them and she SHOULD have told them to back off. At some points I think she did... but I digress.

 

I told her whatever, I wanted to say goodbye in a civil manner so my last memory of her wasn't horrible, and that no matter what, we had been in love and I'd like to remember her in SOME kind of nice light. She then started trying to tell me she didn't love me for long "only like the tiniest bit". She explained she loved me, but not long after she met her friends (after almost a year for us, technically) she decided she wasn't attracted to me any more. I'd worried that before, I can't help that. At times she was, but yeah, after she met those friends, I knew I was in trouble. She changed to mirror them, and they were just not nice people.

 

I said she must have loved me a fair bit still, because a month after she started going out with her friends we got engaged.

 

Then she dropped a lovely bombshell. She claimed and swore that the night after we got engaged she slept with some guy she'd just met while out at a hotel with her friend after they went clubbing. She also told me the week BEFORE we got engaged, after I'd left a hotel room she was at with her friends, she slept with one of the guys she was new friends with.

 

So she told me within a month of starting to go out with her friends (which, the first time, she was dead set against doing) she had ****ed two guys in ONE WEEK, at times when I'd just been there, and the day after we got engaged.

 

The she hung up, because she's spineless and didn't bother staying on the phone for a response. I texted her asking if it was true, she said it was. I told her she was a disgusting human being, she said "Told you I didn't love you! ". I sent her a text saying she'd gone from the nicest person I've ever known to a horrible, horrible person and that I was disappointed, and that karma was going to really mess her up one day, goodbye, and don't bother replying, I hope everything works out for her.

 

She replied anyway the next day, telling me she never deserved me as a boyfriend (as in, she deserved better), and that she has everything she ever wanted, karma clearly just hates me.

 

And just today, four days later I sent a text basically pointing out how happy I am and how it's a bit sad how hard she wants me to hate her, just because I figured it would piss her off.

[AC06]

So yes... is it just me, or was she being pretty nice until I sent that message from interstate and she realised she still had power over me? I wouldn't be shocked if she was having a ****ty few weeks and now that things are all peachy with her boyfriend she felt happy to walk all over me because she doesn;t need me now. She definitely wasn't a bitch until I broke down while interstate, though.

 

As for her sleeping with two guys, I'm not sure. The first one (when I'd been there), we'd had our first mini-fight, because when I got there her friend made me feel uncomfortable, so I left, she called and asked me to come back, and I heard the guy hitting on her on the other side of the door. Deal was I'd knocked and they hadn't heard, and inside he picked her up from behind, she screamed, he tried to kiss her, she told him he had a girlfriend and he said "Yeah, so, you have a boyfriend". And I knocked again. She came out, was trying to get me to come into the room and telling me we didn't have to hang out with her friends, we could go to the other room. I foolishly said "This isn't working" referring to the me and her friends situation, she took it the wrong way (understandably) and ran back in the room freaking out and crying. Her friend came and asked what happened and actually seemed to care for a change, went back in and told the guy off, my ex came back out adn we patched things up, and I left. She claims she slept with the other guy anyway after I left. I don't know what to believe.

 

I still have all the text messages from back then, and as for the night after we got engaged, I don't know either. All the texts from before that night and for the weeks after, she was clearly still madly in love with me. It makes me happy just to read them. But thatg doesn't mean she didn't sleep with someone. I don't know.

 

All I know is what she claims means she'd become the complete opposite of what she was for the first year within three weeks of meeting her friends. And that makes me really, really sad.

[AC06]

Oh, and for the record, in case it wasn't already blatantly obvious: I really believe 100% that if she'd never met that one friend in particular, this would never have turned out the way it did, and there's a good chance we'd still be happy.

[0hpenelope]

Well... it's good that by breaking NC, you've received your answers. Neither of you come off smelling like roses at this point with the harsh exchange of words between the two of you. It's understandable that you were just expressing your hurt, but I'm sure you'll regret blowing your lid off in the way you did, too. There are some people in a relationship where no matter how sweet or kind or flawless their significant others (S.O.) are to them, they will find a reason to leave. It doesn't matter what reason. They will leave and it's not the dumpees' fault that their S.O. made the choice to leave.

 

Buckle down and focus on you now. Work through the issues you need to work through for yourself.

 

People express grief in different ways but I hope that now, you see the good that comes with NC. One of the main reasons I choose NC and stay in it, regardless of whether or not the ex comes back, is because I don't possess the maturity yet to handle my emotions gracefully in front of someone I still have feelings for. In my case, the best thing to do is to do nothing. I'll take my lessons, cry in private, and go through the roller coaster of the healing process away from the ex to avoid scenarios similar to the scenario that you were involved in.

 

My sympathies go out to you, AC06. Whatever you choose to do, whether it's to maintain some contact with your ex or go solid NC, I hope you make good decisions for yourself.

[AC06]

Well... it's good that by breaking NC, you've received your answers. Neither of you come off smelling like roses at this point with the harsh exchange of words between the two of you. It's understandable that you were just expressing your hurt, but I'm sure you'll regret blowing your lid off in the way you did, too. There are some people in a relationship where no matter how sweet or kind or flawless their significant others (S.O.) are to them, they will find a reason to leave. It doesn't matter what reason. They will leave and it's not the dumpees' fault that their S.O. made the choice to leave.

 

Buckle down and focus on you now. Work through the issues you need to work through for yourself.

 

People express grief in different ways but I hope that now, you see the good that comes with NC. One of the main reasons I choose NC and stay in it, regardless of whether or not the ex comes back, is because I don't possess the maturity yet to handle my emotions gracefully in front of someone I still have feelings for. In my case, the best thing to do is to do nothing. I'll take my lessons, cry in private, and go through the roller coaster of the healing process away from the ex to avoid scenarios similar to the scenario that you were involved in.

 

My sympathies go out to you, AC06. Whatever you choose to do, whether it's to maintain some contact with your ex or go solid NC, I hope you make good decisions for yourself.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I'm working through it and trying to get myself where I wanna be with my life. Right now the only thing wrong with my life at all is the memory of her. It's strange, I can't quite figure out where I'm at. I don't love her for who she is or want her... but I do still love what she was and feel really bad about how it turned out and wish it was still as happy as it used to be.

 

I know there's other people out there, I know I'll have a good relationship one day, I know it's not the end of the world. But I AM sick of feeling so bad and missing someone who doesn't exist any more.

[0hpenelope]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I'm working through it and trying to get myself where I wanna be with my life. Right now the only thing wrong with my life at all is the memory of her. It's strange, I can't quite figure out where I'm at. I don't love her for who she is or want her... but I do still love what she was and feel really bad about how it turned out and wish it was still as happy as it used to be.

 

I know there's other people out there, I know I'll have a good relationship one day, I know it's not the end of the world. But I AM sick of feeling so bad and missing someone who doesn't exist any more.

Process it all. Cry, rage, cry again, feel the guilt, allow yourself to feel all of the negatives that come with the healing process. Do not make her a part of your healing anymore, it's all about you. If contacting her will reinforce the idea of sticking to NC, go ahead and do it - as long as you eventually stick to NC. Just get to NC. You're not okay with friendship with her or have any contact with her at all for that matter. You're still too raw from your feelings.

 

She has issues independent of you. Got it?

Edited March 9, 2011 by 0hpenelope