Why are online guys so eager/desperate?

January 24, 2011

For the first time, at the age of 42, I decided to try online dating. So far, it has lived up to all the stereotypes I had about it. The men are so freaking desperate to get laid. They act desperate in a way that is creepy and unnatural and lay on lines so slimey they seem straight out of a comedy. Also, they are way too touchy feely for first meets.

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I need to delete my acct so that I won't waste anyone's time on anymore sexless coffee dates,

January 24, 2011

For the first time, at the age of 42, I decided to try online dating. So far, it has lived up to all the stereotypes I had about it. The men are so freaking desperate to get laid. They act desperate in a way that is creepy and unnatural and lay on lines so slimey they seem straight out of a comedy. Also, they are way too touchy feely for first meets.

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I need to delete my acct so that I won't waste anyone's time on anymore sexless coffee dates,

Yes, I feel that way. It does help to stress what you're looking for and make sure they're looking for the same before you agree to meet up for coffee dates. Weed them out online first by asking lots of questions and then finally meet just to see if you two click or find any attraction to each other in person.

I certainly won't disagree with you though, most guys online feel like they can do or say anything because of course it's only online. They can hide behind the computer for their prey versus actually walking up to a stranger in the street and saying some of the things they say online. Don't give up, just get smart. Good luck.

January 24, 2011

I sympathise, lol. And haven't got much to add to Georgeous Girl.

It really is a bit of minefield for lots of reasons and I think you have to stay pretty together to deal with it all and not take it all personally.

I had a bit of a bad experience most recently where I met someone who after a couple of dates etc I decided had some mental health issues.

Another guy I was very interested in and who seemed very interested in me, we decided to speak on the phone one night, he seemed v. excited, and then after all that never called, though he is still busy online! No explanation.

But then again I also went out on a date last night where I met an incredibly interesting man (no physical attraction so shan't meet him again sadly).

I do concur with the pushiness, contrariness, and rudeness online but I also think like Gorgeous Girl you can probably learn to weed them out more with practice. Has it proved enjoyable/successful for you GorgeousGirl overall?

Its a steep learning curve, but perhaps you can learn alot about yourself in the process, phew!

Edited January 24, 2011 by jane100

January 24, 2011

Men online have learned that chivalry is a waste of time. Women online are so damn flakey that I fully endorse men going for broke and trying to get laid on the first place. Why? Chances are he won't get a second date no matter what he does so who cares.

January 24, 2011

Also, they are way too touchy feely for first meets.

There's a live thread in here somewhere where a woman is concerned about the lack of touching by the man on the first date, so it seems that this one isn't universal.

January 24, 2011

Yeah, define "touchy feely", that's up to interpretation. I was out on a date with a woman that claimed guys get too 'handsy' with her on a 2nd date.

I sometimes like to put my han on the small of her back when moving forward through a door or a crowd of people, or perhaps touch her on the arm a couple of times when I'm talking her.

Now if you're talking about grabbing her butt, that's a little too soon.

OR it was only considered "creepy" because she simply wasn't interested in the guy.

But I have heard stories where the man's main goal for online dating was to get laid on the first date, which is a shame.

There's a live thread in here somewhere where a woman is concerned about the lack of touching by the man on the first date, so it seems that this one isn't universal.

January 24, 2011

For the first time, at the age of 42, I decided to try online dating. So far, it has lived up to all the stereotypes I had about it. The men are so freaking desperate to get laid. They act desperate in a way that is creepy and unnatural and lay on lines so slimey they seem straight out of a comedy. Also, they are way too touchy feely for first meets.

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I need to delete my acct so that I won't waste anyone's time on anymore sexless coffee dates,

it's very hard to gauge what someone wants based on their profiles, I got tricked a couple of times. if you are assertive and tell them/write on your profile what you want, the really creepy ones leave you alone - in my experience

January 24, 2011

I'm also curious to know what the touchy feely thing means. If you've already removed their hands/shrugged them off once, then, yes, that's rude. If they're groping or going anywhere inappropriate, that's rude. If they're just touching your arm, I might be off-put, personally, depending on frequency/intent, but I don't find it "rude" -- just not my style.

Aren't there men desperate to get laid everywhere? I don't know, I've always found a mix of guys online, just like everywhere, though I've usually weeded out a lot of the crap guys before the meeting them stage. There have been a few I've met and thought, "Wow, he wants to get laid." Since I rarely pick a long date for the first meet -- usually it's coffee or something, and I pay for my own -- I usually just cut the date short, tell him we're not compatible, and leave. No worries.

I've met plenty of good guys online, including my current BF (we talked for months beforehand, because of logistics issues/where we lived then---same city now---so we had a proper dinner date as our first, though that's been rare for me with OL dating), but I'm in a different generation (mid-twenties) so that might factor in.

I tend to send a few messages first, and read their profile intently (and look for signs that they've actually read my profile), but it's not so hard to weed out the players for me. But that's because I dig introverted, kind of nerdy guys, and you'll find lots of them online. If you're looking for more extroverted, all-American sporty guys or something, they're online too, but in smaller numbers and a lot of them are less likely to use it frequently or for serious means (Not scientific, but I think they tend to prefer meeting women in person, and since they're extroverted, they likely don't find it difficult, particularly if they're also attractive).

January 24, 2011

interesting... i am thinking I am gonna make up a fake female profile and see what I get. Maybe I will post some of the replies for kicks

January 24, 2011

Thanks everyone! And yes, Zen girl, men (and women) everywhere are wanting to get laid. For me, the real life guys don't treat me like it's their last day of freedom before they are imprisoned for life. Real life guys display better manners and have the attitude "if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't it will happen with someone else."

Online guys have treated me like they haven't had sex in 10 years and they're never going to get it again. The last guy kept gripping my hair, not lightly running his fingers thru it, he was gripping it as if he were orgasiming and kept telling me how much he wanted me and that I was the woman he'd been looking for all his life. ok...this guy was 46...he's never "felt this way before" about anyone else, but suddenly an online girl he's know for 20 minutes is the "one he's been looking for???"

He wasn't touching my back either, he wrapped his arms around me and kept squeezing my waist and I kept pulling him off of me.

Well, I know what type of personality I'm attracted to and I guess guys with that personality don't need to date online. I like the guys are more reserved and have great manners. I like a guy who knows how to pace things and even be a little bit of a challenge. I don't want a commitment phobic jerk, but someone who doesn't feel the need to devour my body and claim me as "the woman of their dreams" on a coffee/lunch date.

January 24, 2011

Online guys have treated me like they haven't had sex in 10 years and they're never going to get it again. The last guy kept gripping my hair, not lightly running his fingers thru it, he was gripping it as if he were orgasiming and kept telling me how much he wanted me and that I was the woman he'd been looking for all his life. ok...this guy was 46...he's never "felt this way before" about anyone else, but suddenly an online girl he's know for 20 minutes is the "one he's been looking for???"

He wasn't touching my back either, he wrapped his arms around me and kept squeezing my waist and I kept pulling him off of me.

I'm really sorry that happened to you but......

at the same time that was really funny to me

come on now! What was going thru his head????

January 24, 2011

I sort of agree with mo mo - sort of funny in a horrible way, i mean, my favourite expression at the moment "you couldn't make it up".

But on a serious note, I would feel entitled to be totally angry if some guy did that to me, its more than ewwk. i think its legitimate to be angry on a date with some guy behaving like that.

My bigger question would be how you keep your enthusiasm and faith in humanity whilst all these various permutations are going on

January 24, 2011

For the first time, at the age of 42, I decided to try online dating. So far, it has lived up to all the stereotypes I had about it. The men are so freaking desperate to get laid. They act desperate in a way that is creepy and unnatural and lay on lines so slimey they seem straight out of a comedy. Also, they are way too touchy feely for first meets.
Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I need to delete my acct so that I won't waste anyone's time on anymore sexless coffee dates,

I'm sorry. It's pretty much the exact same from the women, I think everyone is trying to move super fast.

It seems most female online daters think a guy is gay if he doesn't at least attempt rape on the first date.

January 24, 2011

My guess as to why men (and women) online are so eager/desperate is because they ARE eager and desperate. Online dating is a passive activity and probably attracts people who are generally passive and haven't developed the social skills to interact with people in a normal manner.

January 24, 2011

Hey SunsetRed,

I'm wondering about what sites you're going to for the online dating.

Don't get me wrong - there's losers everywhere...

but I find that free sites, will most certainly have a larger number of douchy guys just out to get laid. The sites where you need to pay, will still have some of those guys, but its more likely to have guys that are actually serious about a relationship - after all they are putting in some money in hopes of connecting with someone they actually like and can have a relationship with.

There's losers everywhere, but my past online experiences have proven to me that its a little less when they actually have to pay to use the site.

Good luck

January 24, 2011

For the first time, at the age of 42, I decided to try online dating. So far, it has lived up to all the stereotypes I had about it. The men are so freaking desperate to get laid. They act desperate in a way that is creepy and unnatural and lay on lines so slimey they seem straight out of a comedy. Also, they are way too touchy feely for first meets.

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I need to delete my acct so that I won't waste anyone's time on anymore sexless coffee dates,

Well what site(s) are you using? As you are now older, I'm sure men around the same age are divorcees or never been married. Men that age probably are burnt out of marriage life or given up on it and they're just looking to hook up. I'm sure there's some good men out there, it just takes time to look. There's no disclaimer about online dating that states you'll find the man of your dreams in the first month or even first year. I dated for a year and a half before I met an amazing girl that I am so very happy with.

It just takes time, stay positive, stay honest, and the right man will come along. Or be proactive and search for men you think YOU might like. Who says you just have to sit back and wait for a man to email you?

You don't have to waste your time, try staying in contact or talking on the phone before meeting to get a better sense of what the guy is looking for before you meet. Don't just go on a date with any guy that emails you.

January 24, 2011

My guess as to why men (and women) online are so eager/desperate is because they ARE eager and desperate. Online dating is a passive activity and probably attracts people who are generally passive and haven't developed the social skills to interact with people in a normal manner.

while I don't want to include myself in that group - apart from 1, all my flings/relationships/etc were with guys I met in real life and the one online guy I had a STR with was definitely a geek - it is certainly the case for the majority of men I chat with I think.

there are a lot of frustrated people online and at the same time they don't appear to be very skilled at getting out of that desperate situation. Having said that, this appears to be different for people in their early 20s as far as I can see.

January 24, 2011

Hey SunsetRed,

I'm wondering about what sites you're going to for the online dating.
Don't get me wrong - there's losers everywhere...
but I find that free sites, will most certainly have a larger number of douchy guys just out to get laid. The sites where you need to pay, will still have some of those guys, but its more likely to have guys that are actually serious about a relationship - after all they are putting in some money in hopes of connecting with someone they actually like and can have a relationship with.

There's losers everywhere, but my past online experiences have proven to me that its a little less when they actually have to pay to use the site.

Good luck

I agree that the site matters.

I spent 3 months on Match and while I got alot of "you are SO hawt!" comments and a few creepy messages, there were also a good scattering of sane and interesting men in there too.

POF - I tried to close my account within 10 minutes. I thought that site was wacked.

Creepiest email I got was where a guy photoshopped my picture with several of his so he could pretend we were together. That one scared the heck out of me.

January 24, 2011

OP, sorry to read that. I have a journal running on dating and provided in-depth perspective there, but would like to ask you if you've met (online) any men who seemed relaxed and not overtly 'romantic', rather measured in their interest and, if so, how did that go? How were the interactions and how did your feelings about them influence your actions?

My advice would be to remain neutral about the process and keep it open as one potential, also embracing real life potentials and seeing how things match up, both the men you meet and how you respond to different romantic styles and personalities. Eventually, I think you'll find a match. The key is for that match to be *attractive* to you. That answer lies within you. Good luck

January 24, 2011

Creepiest email I got was where a guy photoshopped my picture with several of his so he could pretend we were together. That one scared the heck out of me.

I don't know whether to laugh or scream in terror!!! That is uber-creepy.

January 24, 2011

god women's opinions on guys is so negative it borders on offensive. Most guys don't want to just get laid.

January 24, 2011

I don't know whether to laugh or scream in terror!!! That is uber-creepy.

I dont really see what is so weird about that. Maybe he is good at photoshop and he was just having fun.

I mean, I guess it could be creepy if she never really talked to him before.

January 24, 2011

I dont really see what is so weird about that. Maybe he is good at photoshop and he was just having fun.

I mean, I guess it could be creepy if she never really talked to him before.

No, I never talked to him before. That was the first email. I didn't reply and blocked him so there were no others. The email also went on about soul mates and destiny and how he pictured us together like in the photos, yadda yadda.

And the photoshopped pictures were horrible. A 2 year old could do better.

January 24, 2011

No, I never talked to him before. That was the first email. I didn't reply and blocked him so there were no others. The email also went on about soul mates and destiny and how he pictured us together like in the photos, yadda yadda.

And the photoshopped pictures were horrible. A 2 year old could do better.

Oh ok then. That IS creepy.

Once I photoshopped a picture of me and this girl I knew and put us together, but we had been talking for like, 6 months and we grew really close. It was really corny but she thought it was kinda cute.

January 24, 2011

For the first time, at the age of 42, I decided to try online dating. So far, it has lived up to all the stereotypes I had about it. The men are so freaking desperate to get laid. They act desperate in a way that is creepy and unnatural and lay on lines so slimey they seem straight out of a comedy. Also, they are way too touchy feely for first meets.

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I need to delete my acct so that I won't waste anyone's time on anymore sexless coffee dates,

Testosterone is one hell of a hormone

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Why are online guys so eager/desperate?

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