MyHeadIsSpinning Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 The man I've been seeing for about a year has become a stranger to me the past month. I'm a smart woman. I KNOW in my head what the answer to this is. I'm having a horrible time trying to convince my heart.... I've known this man for several years. We graduated from the same HS. At one point, I had a huge crush on him, and he approached me. However, I was seeing someone & he says I barely talked to him. He has always been known to have long relationships. He definitely is no "player". This first approach was about 12 years ago. January 2010, I "friended" him on FB with a short "Hey! How's it going?" message. He got right back to me, and from that moment on we've more or less been together. In the beginning, we talked till 3 AM, saw each other as much as we had time for....but the best - WEIRDEST! - part was the immediate, intense connection we had. From our first conversation, we both felt as if we'd been drawn together, this amazingly intense bond. Not physical - like kindred spirits is the best I know how to explain. I've never had that with anyone, and neither had he. (We are both divorced with children. The feelings I have for him and the bond is exceedingly more than the one I had with my ex-husband/father of my kids. HE says the same about me vs. his ex.) I won't go into too many details, but this past year was one of the most amazing, happiest years of my life. He treated me like a queen. He once bought me a major appliance as a surprise, saying he knew how hard I worked for everyone around me & that I deserved to be taken care of as well. We looked at houses together. We talked about moving in together. We talked about marriage. He became the father my kids don't have anymore (Their father is not in their lives.) We had a relaxed, easy, fun, happy relationship. Around the beginning of December, he started to get really moody. I attributed it to work (He works long, hard hours.), the holidays, his ex putting pressure on him due to me (They have no hammered out visitation - anothe rissue entirely!) I overlooked his moodiness, I gave him pep talks that he appreciated, and he seemed to get better. Then he went right back into it - this next time not only becoming moody but also withdrawing, ignoring me, stopping contact. When I tried to ask him about it, I got different responses - work/ex/holidays were stressing him out; maybe he was spread too thin to be in a relationship; he was scared to get any closer to me (his ex & a previous gf both did him horribly wrong). Again I tried to understand & be accomodating, but any security I felt with him was slowly leaking away. The fun was sucked out of our relationship. I started second guessing myself secretly. Then the BIGGIE - he stood me up. On my birthday. Yes, on my birthday. My birthday was on a Friday. I didn't hear from him until Sunday. Supposedly, he had a "family issue". I never pressed for details, so who knows? We talked for a very long time that Sunday night (face to face) at which point he said that while yes, he did have a family emergency, a small part of him did that to me to just be plain spiteful. A little while after saying that, as we were wrapping up our talk, he said I was so very special, unlike any other woman he'd ever known, that I brought good things out in him he never knew were there, that he'd like to "run off & get married". We were fine for about a week. This past Tuesday, he texted from work (He works swing shift so he was unable to talk.) "I'll talk to you tomorrow." That's the last I heard from him till today (Sunday) when he texted. He hasn't been very nice today, but I've still agreed to talk with him Tuesday face to face. Even if we're breaking up, I don't want to do it over the phone. This would be a good time to say that when I first began dating him, one of his mom's best friends called me & told me NOT to get involved with him, to run. She said he was moody, disappeared, and ignored. She said I deserved better. I laughed her off. HE was NOT any of those things! Here's my rub: how can someone be so kind, sweet, gentle, considerate, loving for ELEVEN months and then turn overnight without even an argument? Is this what he's going to be like from here on out? I know it's stupid (He stood me up on my birthday!!!) but I am head over heels, deeply, unconditionally in love with him. I saw my future with him. I've thought this whole year that he was the ONE. It absolutely KILLS me to think of not being with him. But I've cried every night (almost) for the past month. He & I have talked about it, come up with ideas together, but it's only lasting at most a week before he withdraws again. Help. I'm dying. It's been MANY years since I've had a broken heart & I honestly love this man.
Jazzari Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'm so sorry he's putting you through so much pain. I wish I could help but I have no clue why anyone would act that way. Best of luck.
jelissa Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Yes it's strange indeed. You do deserve to be treated much better than that. Could it be that he's dealing with some serious issue? Good luck.
Author MyHeadIsSpinning Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Yes it's strange indeed. You do deserve to be treated much better than that. Could it be that he's dealing with some serious issue? Good luck. The only thing I've thought of is possibly bipolar/depression/some other issue. I did stumble upon an antidepressant Rx that he's hidden from me. i've also thought of drugs/alcohol. I know it's NOT another woman. It is the oddest thing I've ever gone through and very, very painful. There are times he will open up, but when he withdraws, he has a tendency to shut down emotionally and almost become mocking in his tone. I honestly don't WANT to break up with him, but I'm at a loss. In my head, I'm strong, I break up, he realizes his error, and comes back. But then my self-doubt sets in & I'm afraid if I break up, I'll never see him again.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 The only thing I've thought of is possibly bipolar/depression/some other issue. I did stumble upon an antidepressant Rx that he's hidden from me. i've also thought of drugs/alcohol. I know it's NOT another woman. It is the oddest thing I've ever gone through and very, very painful. There are times he will open up, but when he withdraws, he has a tendency to shut down emotionally and almost become mocking in his tone. I honestly don't WANT to break up with him, but I'm at a loss. In my head, I'm strong, I break up, he realizes his error, and comes back. But then my self-doubt sets in & I'm afraid if I break up, I'll never see him again. I'd be wary about dating someone with BPD. They tend to push and pull you around like crazy ( no pun intended) and when it comes to discussing their issues, they shut off. Having a mental illness can be incredibly difficult. When depression sets in, they'll start lashing out or become completely withdrawn.
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 The man I've been seeing for about a year has become a stranger to me the past month. I'm a smart woman. I KNOW in my head what the answer to this is. I'm having a horrible time trying to convince my heart.... I've known this man for several years. We graduated from the same HS. At one point, I had a huge crush on him, and he approached me. However, I was seeing someone & he says I barely talked to him. He has always been known to have long relationships. He definitely is no "player". This first approach was about 12 years ago. January 2010, I "friended" him on FB with a short "Hey! How's it going?" message. He got right back to me, and from that moment on we've more or less been together. In the beginning, we talked till 3 AM, saw each other as much as we had time for....but the best - WEIRDEST! - part was the immediate, intense connection we had. From our first conversation, we both felt as if we'd been drawn together, this amazingly intense bond. Not physical - like kindred spirits is the best I know how to explain. I've never had that with anyone, and neither had he. (We are both divorced with children. The feelings I have for him and the bond is exceedingly more than the one I had with my ex-husband/father of my kids. HE says the same about me vs. his ex.) I won't go into too many details, but this past year was one of the most amazing, happiest years of my life. He treated me like a queen. He once bought me a major appliance as a surprise, saying he knew how hard I worked for everyone around me & that I deserved to be taken care of as well. We looked at houses together. We talked about moving in together. We talked about marriage. He became the father my kids don't have anymore (Their father is not in their lives.) We had a relaxed, easy, fun, happy relationship. Around the beginning of December, he started to get really moody. I attributed it to work (He works long, hard hours.), the holidays, his ex putting pressure on him due to me (They have no hammered out visitation - anothe rissue entirely!) I overlooked his moodiness, I gave him pep talks that he appreciated, and he seemed to get better. Then he went right back into it - this next time not only becoming moody but also withdrawing, ignoring me, stopping contact. When I tried to ask him about it, I got different responses - work/ex/holidays were stressing him out; maybe he was spread too thin to be in a relationship; he was scared to get any closer to me (his ex & a previous gf both did him horribly wrong). Again I tried to understand & be accomodating, but any security I felt with him was slowly leaking away. The fun was sucked out of our relationship. I started second guessing myself secretly. Then the BIGGIE - he stood me up. On my birthday. Yes, on my birthday. My birthday was on a Friday. I didn't hear from him until Sunday. Supposedly, he had a "family issue". I never pressed for details, so who knows? We talked for a very long time that Sunday night (face to face) at which point he said that while yes, he did have a family emergency, a small part of him did that to me to just be plain spiteful. A little while after saying that, as we were wrapping up our talk, he said I was so very special, unlike any other woman he'd ever known, that I brought good things out in him he never knew were there, that he'd like to "run off & get married". We were fine for about a week. This past Tuesday, he texted from work (He works swing shift so he was unable to talk.) "I'll talk to you tomorrow." That's the last I heard from him till today (Sunday) when he texted. He hasn't been very nice today, but I've still agreed to talk with him Tuesday face to face. Even if we're breaking up, I don't want to do it over the phone. This would be a good time to say that when I first began dating him, one of his mom's best friends called me & told me NOT to get involved with him, to run. She said he was moody, disappeared, and ignored. She said I deserved better. I laughed her off. HE was NOT any of those things! Here's my rub: how can someone be so kind, sweet, gentle, considerate, loving for ELEVEN months and then turn overnight without even an argument? Is this what he's going to be like from here on out? I know it's stupid (He stood me up on my birthday!!!) but I am head over heels, deeply, unconditionally in love with him. I saw my future with him. I've thought this whole year that he was the ONE. It absolutely KILLS me to think of not being with him. But I've cried every night (almost) for the past month. He & I have talked about it, come up with ideas together, but it's only lasting at most a week before he withdraws again. Help. I'm dying. It's been MANY years since I've had a broken heart & I honestly love this man. He is doing exactly what his mom's best friend told you he would do, but you refused to listen. You were warned, so what's the problem?
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 One more thing, you can always get back in touch with this lady that warned you and ask her why he's doing this. Seems like she knows what she's talking about.
lenny Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Sounded like bipolar to me too. It doesn't sound like any of this is an issue around you or around the relationship ... totally his. I think you'll really have to wait and see to be sure and if it is, decide if you can handle this situation for yourself and your kids. If it isn't, I would hope he has a damn good explanation because his treatment of you here has been way unfair! Like really, missed your birthday to be spitefull?
Author MyHeadIsSpinning Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I'd be wary about dating someone with BPD. They tend to push and pull you around like crazy ( no pun intended) and when it comes to discussing their issues, they shut off. Having a mental illness can be incredibly difficult. When depression sets in, they'll start lashing out or become completely withdrawn. This is exactly why I've suspected BPD. Almost like he was in a manic phase in the beginning and is now swung the opposite way. Is there anyway to delicately ask someone if they have a mental issue? I'm very laid back & non-judgmental & have even talked openly with him about a severe bout of depression I had about a decade ago, so he should know I'm receptive to whatever. I've told him as much as well. GG - I didn't listen for a couple reasons: The woman tends to see the bad in all men. I don't think all or even most men are bad. She does. She shirks relationships. She was also basing her info on secondhand info., and saying his father had done things like that. She never gave me real proof it was him. She is upset with me now, I've tried going to talk with her. She says exactly what you did:"I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. This time I'm saving my breath." She can be a bit "crotchety" LOL (And I say that lovingly because she is a dear friend)
Author MyHeadIsSpinning Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Sounded like bipolar to me too. It doesn't sound like any of this is an issue around you or around the relationship ... totally his. I think you'll really have to wait and see to be sure and if it is, decide if you can handle this situation for yourself and your kids. If it isn't, I would hope he has a damn good explanation because his treatment of you here has been way unfair! Like really, missed your birthday to be spitefull? Yep. He said to be "IN A SMALL WAY" spiteful. You're right in that it's him - not me or the relationship. I do get the sense that it's something within him, some fundamental issue. ALL of his past gfs/ex-wife left him. He has told me he has done this before in all his other relationships. (He told me that only AFTER all this started about a month ago. Otherwise, I would've thought long and hard about getting too serious. I am able to have fun with someone without getting serious.) How long do depressive episodes of BPD last? About a year like his "mania"? I obviously do NOT know that he is BP, but I've had a feeling it was something along those lines for the past few weeks. You know, if it looks like a duck....
jane100 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) I am sorry you are going through this, it must be very hard if you are "in love". I hope you find a way to understand it/work it out. For me your post is quite a timely one, as i have had some recent dealings with someone whose behaviour was erratic, pleasant then unpleasant etc, i was absolutely confused and floored by it. Now I actually do think there is some mental disorder going on that is nothing to do with me, though not necessarily BPD in his case. However, I got a strong reality check with the last piece of serious insanity (there is no other word for it) and in my case I am no longer interested, though i know your situation might be different. Edited January 24, 2011 by jane100
Lucky_One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 When you found the prescription, what did he tell you it was for? (I am thinking that you didn't ask him about it?) What med was it? It almost seems as though you tend to skirt important issues. WHAT family issue came up on your birthday? WHY is he taking anti-D's? With him, if you see something that needs addressing, do you address it as soon as possible, during an appropriate time?
depplover_1980 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 It sounds like a self destruct related to a period of depression, but how to raise him from it I don't know. All you can do is let him know you are there for him and perhaps recommend he gets help. If it doesn't get any better you will have to split up and hope it would give him a kick to try and recover. But long term you may have to accept this is part of him and recognise the destructiveness and that it is NOT you, but detaching yourself from the feelings it causes will take some training on your part. It is possible however.
Author MyHeadIsSpinning Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 When you found the prescription, what did he tell you it was for? (I am thinking that you didn't ask him about it?) What med was it? It almost seems as though you tend to skirt important issues. WHAT family issue came up on your birthday? WHY is he taking anti-D's? With him, if you see something that needs addressing, do you address it as soon as possible, during an appropriate time? Interesting perspective. I've never thought of it as "skirting the issue" but rather respecting privacy. We don't live together and aren't married & I've always said I'd not press for details. This isn't just with him but every relationship. I do make it clear that I'll listen without judgment. The meds (Cymbalta) I came across when I was tidying up one day while he was working. They fell out of his UNZIPPED bag. I replaced them & never brought them up. I didn't want to embarrass him or have him think I was snooping. The family emergency I asked a couple of questions, got fairly nondescript answers. I could tell, even if I pressed, I was not going to get any satisfying answers. All of that being said, tomorrow may be a "Come to Jesus" meeting. I may HAVE to press. I've never liked being THAT girl. I'm not jealous, don't snoop, etc. I've got enough going on in my own life. Plus I figure if a man's going to cheat or hide things, me nagging isn't going to change things and will probably just make things worse. Maybe that's the wrong approach but I'd rather respect someones privacy until given a reason not to. Of course, I may now have my reason.
Lucky_One Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Well, you can rest easy on the Bipolar thought. Cymbalta isn't prescribed for that. But it is prescribed for depression, anxiety, diabetic peripheral neuropathy, chronic back pain, or fibromyalgia. Good luck on talking with him. I know you feel strongly about not prying, but if you seriously are talking about a future with a person, then health issues shouldn't be kept secret.
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