Sonolumino Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I haven't posted on here in some time. For those who don't know, I've been broken up 6 months with 4 months no contact. Now I think other people will agree with me, even though I've been broken up for 6 months, if you have contact with that person you do NOT even begin to move on until that stops, so really, it's been 4 months "without her". In this time, I've been out busy with friends, school, occasionally other girls, etc. The point is, I've been moving on with my life. So I decided to do a sort of "check" to see how far I'd really come. I logged on to her facebook page, read all the news, looked at pictures of her with her new boyfriend, whatever, I looked at all of the profile. Then something weird happened, I didn't feel that anger, hatred, resentment, and sadness all wrapped into one anymore. It was eerie. Here was this person that I've been struggling (a lot of struggling) to get over for the past 4 months, and now I don't feel anything when I see her with another man. Right after I logged off I thought "How ridiculous is she, and how ridiculous am I for even looking that this? I don't need to do this, I'm fine.". And then right then it hit me, I think this is what "getting over it" feels like. I don't let her hurt me anymore because she really had no power over me that I didn't give her. If you realize that fact, it makes this whole thing go a lot easier, especially after a period of long suffering. Looking at myself 4 months ago, the wreck I was, how horrible each day was, how food had no taste for a month straight, how dark the thoughts were that raced through my head, I thought I would never get out of it. I can honestly say I think I'm very close, if not there. Now granted, this was a facebook check, it's not like I was walking down the street and saw them holding hands or kissing in front of me, but it did bring me face to face with her with somebody else, and I didn't care. My overall point is, if I can get over this, and get to a point where seeing the ex with another person isn't bothersome anymore, then you can too. Have faith in yourselves, you're stronger than you think you are. For those interested, I followed this plan: 1. Feel the pain. In the beginning, I tried shutting out the pain and pretending to move on quickly, obviously that didn't work. So I indulged myself. Let yourself feel the pain and loss of this for a set period of time, and then say no more. I picked 1 month. I said to myself "I'm going to talk with friends, post on LS, somewhat brood over this for the next month, and then I'll let it go". Well turns out a month wasn't enough time, so I switched to two months. This sounds masochistic but eventually, when you hit that deadline, your body will be thanking you for the relief. It's cathartic in a way. 2. Start the process of "moving on". So after the 2 month mark, I said "Ok, no more talking about it with anyone, if I think about her, I'll go and try and distract myself or do something constructive, and no more checking facebook or anything silly like that". And so, my plan was working. I found boxing as a hobby, I hit the gym more, I concentrated on school more, I found some new friends, I met some new girls, I got my act together. I DID NOT jump into a rebound relationship nor did I go out and bang 30 people to feel better about myself. I think those things only mask the problem and overall make it worse when you do decide to try and date someone else, because you haven't dealt with your baggage. 3. Accept that you are a human being and you will falter in this at some point. Don't PLAN on faltering, but understand that it does happen. It'd be great if I never thought about her, if the pain instantly went away after the two month period, or if I could just erase her from my life, but I can't because I'm human. What I'm saying is: It's ok to screw up once and a while, have a weak moment, talk about (the ex) to people, or just feel sad for a few days. If you're doing everything else right, these moments will be fewer and farther between as time passes. 4. Continue with this pattern. Give every new hobby a true chance, and you'll find something that clicks with you. Give new friends a chance. And, when you're ready, go on a few dates with someone just to give that a chance too. It doesn't have to amount to anything, just do it. Prove to yourself that you're a valuable and wonderful person with your ex, and you'll start believing it. Now I'm not trying to come off as this "wise sage" who thinks he knows everything about how to get over someone. The truth is I don't know exactly how to get over someone, but through trial and error, I found that this method worked for me. Every situation is unique, but hopefully what I laid out up there can serve as a template for someone. Obviously there will always be a soft spot in my heart for this girl. When I use the term "being over it" I mean that I no longer want her back in my life, I no longer think about her during the day, and I no longer hold out hope that we'll get back together. Will there be a part of me that cares for her and would hate to see anything bad happen? Of course. I was in love with this person, I will always care for them, but that doesn't mean I have to suffer for them. I honestly can say that I loved her with everything I had. I can look back on that and cherish the things that I got to share with someone else on this planet with the brief time I have. To deny this sadness, to deny the anger/frustration, is to deny the good parts of the relationship that I had with her. Only something real could make me feel this bad. Now the key is you have to decide when you're going to be "done" with feeling the pain, and beginning to take steps to move on. It's not easy, and you will mess up at times, but if you continue to have that "will" to get better, you will. I wish you all the best in recovery and learning from this as best as you can. Take care.
screwball Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 ...Then something weird happened, I didn't feel that anger, hatred, resentment, and sadness all wrapped into one anymore. It was eerie. Here was this person that I've been struggling (a lot of struggling) to get over for the past 4 months, and now I don't feel anything when I see her with another man. Right after I logged off I thought "How ridiculous is she, and how ridiculous am I for even looking that this? I don't need to do this, I'm fine.". And then right then it hit me, I think this is what "getting over it" feels like. Love the thread and feel almost exactly the same. I followed a similar "recovery plan" to yours. Met up with the ex a few months ago and I felt the same as you with the facebook. It was almost surreal. Things were comfortable, like being with an old friend, but without the pain and heartache I felt earlier.
bl22 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I haven't posted on here in some time. For those who don't know, I've been broken up 6 months with 4 months no contact. Now I think other people will agree with me, even though I've been broken up for 6 months, if you have contact with that person you do NOT even begin to move on until that stops, so really, it's been 4 months "without her". In this time, I've been out busy with friends, school, occasionally other girls, etc. The point is, I've been moving on with my life. So I decided to do a sort of "check" to see how far I'd really come. I logged on to her facebook page, read all the news, looked at pictures of her with her new boyfriend, whatever, I looked at all of the profile. Then something weird happened, I didn't feel that anger, hatred, resentment, and sadness all wrapped into one anymore. It was eerie. Here was this person that I've been struggling (a lot of struggling) to get over for the past 4 months, and now I don't feel anything when I see her with another man. Right after I logged off I thought "How ridiculous is she, and how ridiculous am I for even looking that this? I don't need to do this, I'm fine.". And then right then it hit me, I think this is what "getting over it" feels like. I don't let her hurt me anymore because she really had no power over me that I didn't give her. If you realize that fact, it makes this whole thing go a lot easier, especially after a period of long suffering. Looking at myself 4 months ago, the wreck I was, how horrible each day was, how food had no taste for a month straight, how dark the thoughts were that raced through my head, I thought I would never get out of it. I can honestly say I think I'm very close, if not there. Now granted, this was a facebook check, it's not like I was walking down the street and saw them holding hands or kissing in front of me, but it did bring me face to face with her with somebody else, and I didn't care. My overall point is, if I can get over this, and get to a point where seeing the ex with another person isn't bothersome anymore, then you can too. Have faith in yourselves, you're stronger than you think you are. For those interested, I followed this plan: 1. Feel the pain. In the beginning, I tried shutting out the pain and pretending to move on quickly, obviously that didn't work. So I indulged myself. Let yourself feel the pain and loss of this for a set period of time, and then say no more. I picked 1 month. I said to myself "I'm going to talk with friends, post on LS, somewhat brood over this for the next month, and then I'll let it go". Well turns out a month wasn't enough time, so I switched to two months. This sounds masochistic but eventually, when you hit that deadline, your body will be thanking you for the relief. It's cathartic in a way. 2. Start the process of "moving on". So after the 2 month mark, I said "Ok, no more talking about it with anyone, if I think about her, I'll go and try and distract myself or do something constructive, and no more checking facebook or anything silly like that". And so, my plan was working. I found boxing as a hobby, I hit the gym more, I concentrated on school more, I found some new friends, I met some new girls, I got my act together. I DID NOT jump into a rebound relationship nor did I go out and bang 30 people to feel better about myself. I think those things only mask the problem and overall make it worse when you do decide to try and date someone else, because you haven't dealt with your baggage. 3. Accept that you are a human being and you will falter in this at some point. Don't PLAN on faltering, but understand that it does happen. It'd be great if I never thought about her, if the pain instantly went away after the two month period, or if I could just erase her from my life, but I can't because I'm human. What I'm saying is: It's ok to screw up once and a while, have a weak moment, talk about (the ex) to people, or just feel sad for a few days. If you're doing everything else right, these moments will be fewer and farther between as time passes. 4. Continue with this pattern. Give every new hobby a true chance, and you'll find something that clicks with you. Give new friends a chance. And, when you're ready, go on a few dates with someone just to give that a chance too. It doesn't have to amount to anything, just do it. Prove to yourself that you're a valuable and wonderful person with your ex, and you'll start believing it. Now I'm not trying to come off as this "wise sage" who thinks he knows everything about how to get over someone. The truth is I don't know exactly how to get over someone, but through trial and error, I found that this method worked for me. Every situation is unique, but hopefully what I laid out up there can serve as a template for someone. Obviously there will always be a soft spot in my heart for this girl. When I use the term "being over it" I mean that I no longer want her back in my life, I no longer think about her during the day, and I no longer hold out hope that we'll get back together. Will there be a part of me that cares for her and would hate to see anything bad happen? Of course. I was in love with this person, I will always care for them, but that doesn't mean I have to suffer for them. I honestly can say that I loved her with everything I had. I can look back on that and cherish the things that I got to share with someone else on this planet with the brief time I have. To deny this sadness, to deny the anger/frustration, is to deny the good parts of the relationship that I had with her. Only something real could make me feel this bad. Now the key is you have to decide when you're going to be "done" with feeling the pain, and beginning to take steps to move on. It's not easy, and you will mess up at times, but if you continue to have that "will" to get better, you will. I wish you all the best in recovery and learning from this as best as you can. Take care. I like what your saying and congrats on the progress. I feel ive taken big leaps to getting over my ex also but Im deffo not 100 percent yet. However, to anyone reading thist post, this doesnt mean check there facebook to see if you are stil over them. Chances are you arent. I tried this last month, what i saw sank my heart, and i spent the entire christmas , boxing day , up until new years eve in bed with a broken heart. Dont let this be you, dont risk looking at their facebook....the nightmares will return and you will go backwards. However, Sonolumino...well done on the progress, I hope this isnt just 1 of them long ups and downs moments i seem to be having regularly lately, 1 second im happy as hell optimistic, next im dreaming about her n me getting bk togehter then her confesing horrible things to me (last night)
abust Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Well Sono I am happy you are so far along in what I would consider a quick turnaround in the coping world. I can appreciate your "embracing the pain" mentality, I have been doing the same myself lately. Often it's through meditating and I don't really feel I've had a successfull meditation unless I start crying. It feels like a beautiful thing, but I want to be sure I don't get "addicted" to it and make it a permanent part of my life.
Author Sonolumino Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Thanks abust. We've been broken up for 6 months now, but it's hard to count the first two months as "healing months" because of all of the contact we had. The past 4 was when the real progress was made. And yes, I've had my ups and downs. I've felt "over it" and then went on to find out I absolutely wasn't. This feels different though, it has a more "finality" to it. Anyway, good luck to you and everyone else on here. It's truly one of the worst pains, but it can leave you more appreciative and a better person if you let it.
radiodarcy Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) i'm glad to hear you've made progress. hearing your story gives me hope. i was doing so well but for some reason i started missing him again. i've been fighting the urge to contact him. but i know if i reach out in any way (be it text, email, IM) - - even if it's just to say "hi" there's a possibility i could wind up hearing something i don't want to hear - - mainly that he's dating someone. i have no idea if he is or not but the last thing i need is to hear about it. on the other hand - - if i don't get a response at all i'll feel just as lousy as if i had gotten the response i didn't want. so i'm doing my best to ride it out. i don't think i'll feel up to trying the facebook test anytime soon. that's what led to our final blow up and me going NC to begin with. but who knows... maybe i'll be ready to look at it one of these days - - 20 years from now .. Edited January 24, 2011 by radiodarcy
J0N Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Yea, I know how you feel. I didn’t even remember that today marks 4 months of NC for me, I actually had to stop and think about it. It is weird but meeting new people using POF, and getting to gym more have helped me to ‘shift my focus’ I went ALL of last weekend without any pining. I blocked her on FB a while ago, so I can’t do a check like you. I also don’t think I could handle seeing her or interacting with her for a little longer. However, the attachment is fading; my mind is bored with her and when I think about her I usually only do so for a very short period of time and then move on to something else. I think in a few months I could walk right by her on the street and not feel anything. I am beginning to feel like I am ACTUALLY moving on that makes me feel very happy and relieved.
Sergeant K Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks for the advice. I'm glad it is working for you. I hope to get to where your at and quit letting her control my emotions. I have no regrets, she left me, and I did not do any begging or pleading..still won't. I have to get it in my mind that it is time to move on!
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