Marvin32 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hello. I am not even sure exactly where to start. But I will try... Since the beginning of our marriage I unfortunately have done some stupid things. I have lied (mostly when it comes to money), I have wrote bad checks, I forged checks, took out payday loans, viewed pornography, etc. And when my wife would find out I still would lie about it or deny it. I am so ashamed and feel bad I did these things. And the things is, my wife has stood by my side the whole time. While the amount of times I did these things has lessened over the years I still did them, which is bad. The other thing is just as bad, if not the worst. Before my wife and I met I was in the "gay lifestyle". A few months ago, in August, 2010, I did something stupid. I don't know why I did it, and I never wanted to do it, but the fact is I did it. I posted an advertisement on the website Craigslist to solicit myself to another man. Now, while I did take down the ad, it unfortunately was not in time for people to reply to the ad, and I responded to one of the e-mails, in which I was going to set up to meet someone at my house. I chickened out and stopped it before it even got that far, but the fact is I entertained these thoughts, and my wife found out. I hurt her so much. I hurt her so much that she detached herself from God saying, "God has abandoned me", and she also started a relationship with someone else, a woman, in which it did go that far. Now while my wife says they only did it one time, the fact remains my wife is still talking to this person and sees her. My wife says they are just friends, but she just still has strong emotions/feelings for this woman. Sometimes my wife says she still wants to work things out with me, and other times she says she just wants to leave me. I am so sorry for everything that I have done, and I confess my sins to God, hoping He will forgive them, and I hope my wife will be able to forgive me for everything, too. I hate that I detached my wife from both myself, and God. We have started going to a counselor that my employer got for us, but I unfortunately am not sure if she is a Christian counselor. My wife's doctor just prescribed Zoloft for her and she started taking. The last few times I have gone to church it was just me and my three-year old biological daughter (I consider the older two children mine, too, although they are from her first marriage). My wife has refused to go to church with me these last few months. "Where was God when you did all these things?" she asks? "Where is God now?" My wife is hurt, confused, sad, angry, and has a lot of pain and emotions to deal with. I don't want us to end up another statistic (divorce) and I want us to work it out, like I feel we can, but I am at a lot as to what I can do? Is there anything that can be done? On January 1st while I was at work my wife text me and said, "We need to talk." So, when I got off work I rushed home and we talked. She said that she missed me the night before (we were apart that night), and she realized that she wanted us to work things out and be a family again, and just to give her time, which I understand. The counselor told me the same thing, that I need to be patient and giver her time. BUT...while I understand this, I believe the counselor means to give my wife time to allow her heart to heal, not time to have her have time with this other person or end it with her, etc. Our first meeting with the counselor (the day after Thanksgiving) the counselor said we need to get rid of anything that damages our marriage, and I think this other person does. What I mean is this: Since January 1st, when my wife told me she wanted us to work things out, she still sees this person. My wife talks to her on the phone all the time, she texts her all the time, she talks to her on her Facebook (she even removed me from her Facebook altogether a while back when she started seeing this person, but "promises" I will be her FB friend soon, whatever that means). My wife says she cannot stop seeing her, because, "She loves her". It sucks, because I know she loves me, too. "My love for you isn't the same anymore," she says. Now, while my wife admitted to this other person that she chose to remain with me, this other person still contacts my wife, she still tells my wife that she is hurting over the choice, but she still tells my wife that she made her choice, and she doesn't want to do anything with my wife, at least that is what my wife says that she says. My wife still has feelings for her, and it hurts me, because how can our marriage and family strengthen and go on if she still has contact with this woman and has "these feelings"? I cannot give my wife an ultimatum, as that might just blow up in my face. And, while I might not know this woman personally that my wife sees, I know her phone record (I can check phone logs for our phone bill), and I also know her name, and can see her on my wife's FB page. Sometimes I just feel like telling this woman to cease all contact/communication with my wife, but am not sure if I should do that either, as that might also blow up in my face. What should I do? What can I do? I want nothing more than for my marriage to work out and for our marriage and family to be whole again.
bubbles5 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) I would say you should go out for a week out for vacation cutting all communication that means no mobile no computere nothing, make your wife feel special, if u want to save your marriage then do that. Give her importance, n tell her to promise you not to take any calls frm any1 for a week if you both go out for vacation n same you should also do.What I mean only 2 of you, if possible keep your daughter to grandparents house. , And then talk to your wife , and you should also LISTEN TO HER, bcos she wants to work out. Tell her politely wat you are going throug and feeling abt her behaviour with other woman.Make her realize that you still deserve her in your life. if nothing works then call up that friend she is been with n meet her personally tell her politely that you dont like to see her around your wife .And also try to know from your wife's friend why she is doing all this. Secondly you should also promise yourself that you will b loyal to your wife n love her unconditionally, Have you ever thought how bad she would have felt when u have lied all abt all the things n she trusted you for that? one thing I would say your wife loves you so make sure u be patient enough n give your wife priorty. Try to win her trust. Edited January 24, 2011 by bubbles5
alexandria35 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Well first of all, are you gay or are you straight? Is your wife a lesbian? If one or both of you is actually gay then I see no point in continuing on a farce of a marriage. This is not something that a little vacation away is going to fix.
YellowShark Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Well first of all, are you gay or are you straight? Is your wife a lesbian? If one or both of you is actually gay then I see no point in continuing on a farce of a marriage. This is not something that a little vacation away is going to fix. Marvin32 is gay. Before my wife and I met I was in the "gay lifestyle".... I posted an advertisement on the website Craigslist to solicit myself to another man... Marvin32's wife is gay. ... she also started a relationship with someone else, a woman.. My wife talks to her on the phone all the time, she texts her all the time, she talks to her on her Facebook.. My wife says she cannot stop seeing her, because, "She loves her". They are both conflicted because they are "Christians." I hurt her so much that she detached herself from God saying, "God has abandoned me"... I am so sorry for everything that I have done, and I confess my sins to God, hoping He will forgive them... We have started going to a counselor that my employer got for us, but I unfortunately am not sure if she is a Christian counselor... The last few times I have gone to church it was just me and my three-year old biological daughter (I consider the older two children mine, too, although they are from her first marriage). My wife has refused to go to church with me But they are at odds with their faith because they are both gay and Marvin32: I have lied (mostly when it comes to money), I have wrote bad checks, I forged checks, took out payday loans, viewed pornography, etc.... Sooooooo... I would advise both of them to separate. They both need to seek therapy to get to the bottom of what they really want from life.. and then decide what to do. Sadly there are children involved and having two parents who are gay and at odds with each other, combined with the teachings of the church which is in conflict with the lifestyles of their parents sexuality is a highly toxic environment for the children.
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