kmoto Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hello, I am freaking out over what to do. Let me explain... Here's the short version: I had a one night stand with this girl that really likes me, but I'm not attracted to her that way, I see her as a friend. I have never been in a relationship, and have never dated because I'm really shy around women I'm attracted to. So I joined an online dating website. I started talking to one particular girl that was interested in me, and so I flirted back in our chats, and I was attracted to her personality, but not really her pictures, but after chatting more, I became attracted to all of her "online presence." I think she was really into me. Anyways, we would chat with each other a couple hours for a week or so, and I wanted to go out on a date because it felt like we were really meshing... I had in mind a traditional date at a restaurant, sit down in a restaurant, talk, just have a nice evening. Anyways, that didn't happen... one day she messaged me saying she was going to smoke and if I wanted to join her. I wanted to meet her, so I said yes, and I drove about an hour to meet her at her place. She looked a bit different in person and it kind of threw me off, and I didn't feel as attracted to her, and I thought maybe it was just from being nervous, so I just stayed and we talked and smoked, and she bought me dinner. Later, we watched some TV and cuddled, and I felt obligated to stay because I drove an hour and she payed for everything... anyways, we ended up having sex, even though I wasn't really attracted to her by then. I didn't know what to do afterwards, so I just left in the morning after telling her I should head out and I texted her later after I got back home. Anyways, we've been keeping in touch through texts and messaging for about a week... I don't feel any chemistry after meeting her in person, although I was so attracted to her personality. I'm not attracted to her, how do I end it? It feels like I'm caught in this routine of friendly talk, which is great, I like her as a friend, but it feels like I'm leading her on because we had sex and so maybe she expects us to be more? Please, any advice? What can I say to her to let her off without hurting her? At this point, I'm thinking it's impossible not to hurt her, it would be best for her to break it off before it goes any further... just say I don't feel the chemistry, it was wrong for me to sleep with her, and I'm a jerk and I understand if she doesn't want to talk or see me again. She is a wonderful person and deserves someone that can share mutual chemistry with her... but should I text her? or meet her? I keep writing out a text message that we need to talk in person, but then I erase it because I don't know if it's the right thing to say... I've only met her once before in person... gah, I should have never stayed the night. Can anyone help with some advice? I've never been in a relationship so I'm not really sure what to do, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems I've made a mess.. I know basically I need to grow some balls and say it to her, but I don't know exactly how to word it.
TryingToMoveOn Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 How do you know she's really into you? Maybe she's just looking for a casual relationship, nothing serious, nothing deep.
zengirl Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I actually think a phone call is fine in this case. In person seems a bit dramatic for what was essentially a ONS. But a text seems too cowardly. So, ring her up. I suggest telling her a version of the truth --- tell her that you had fun, but you didn't feel the chemistry you'd want to continue a physical relationship, but you like her as a friend. Then prepare for her to be (potentially) pissed. Then, ride out her anger like a man, and call it a day. I doubt you'll be friends. (Maybe. Who knows?) In the future, I hope you won't sleep with women you aren't attracted to. Or spend the night. Just make a polite exit, and leave it chaste, if you aren't feeling her looks. But we live and we learn, and it sounds like you've figured that out.
Author kmoto Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Thank you very much for your replies. I guess you're right that she may not be looking for anything too deep, but we keep texting back and forth, so maybe I am confused. Anyways, I agree, it's best if I just call and say whats up. Thank you for your great advice.
florence of suburbia Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 It sounds like you need to base your actions more on what you want and less on what you imagine she wants. She'll respect you the more for it, just so long as you're not rude or insensitive.
Author kmoto Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) Oh, you're so right! That is one of my problems, I try to base my actions on my often incomplete and incorrect perception of what others expect, want, or need. Thank you for reminding me of that. I didn't see it at all in this situation until you pointed it out... it is the underlying force that has driven all of my actions and led me to this point. thanks! Edited January 24, 2011 by kmoto
Cee Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 A tip from personal experience. Don't say that you are sorry about the sex or regretted the sex. That makes a person feel worse. Let her down gently, but don't bring up the sex.
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