koobeanz Posted March 21, 2004 Posted March 21, 2004 I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year now, we are madly in love, and everything is going great. I have noticed that she goes through long lengths before she is in the mood for sex. She has told me that she gets creeped out when I touch her, now I don't know if it's everytime or sometimes, but she will let me play with her every once in a while. She also has admitted that she doesn't like to re-pay the oral favour. This made me wonder if something happend when she was younger or if she isn't sexually attracted to me. I once asked her if she was spending time with someone else, and she said no. She had promised me that she would never cheat on me and if either of was wanted to cheat, we should break up with the person, instead of cheating. I believe her and trust her. She recently told me that she was raped while she was in highschool. We are now in our mid 20's. The guy forced her to give him oral sex with a gun to her head. This absolutey crushed me. But also shined a whole new light onto everything. I now understand why she gets in the moods she gets in. She said that beside me the only other person she told was her best friend, who made her get counceling in highschool. She has never told her parents, the cops, or any of her other friends. She says that she has blocked it out of her mind and that she is as over it as she will get. I realize that everybody is different and recovers differently. But does anyone know if there is anything I can do to get her closer to a full recovery. Will she always be creeped out with me touching her? She has given me oral pleasures before, but she doesn't like it. I just want to help her get as healthy as possible. This girl is the love of my life and I will do anything to help her. Please let me know what I can do.
moimeme Posted March 21, 2004 Posted March 21, 2004 Really, it's up to her. You can't nag her, but maybe you can find the right words to persuade her that the trauma can be overcome so that she can enjoy all the pleasures of a healthy relationship. If she chooses to avoid therapy, she's just shortchanging herself.
meanon Posted March 21, 2004 Posted March 21, 2004 Go slowly, be gentle, become very attuned to how she reacts and what she says, encourage her to tell you and show you what she likes, let her take the initiative whenever you can. Find ways of expressing physical intimacy other than full sexual intercourse if she is not in the mood (massage etc). If you can (don't ask when you are in the bedroom) find out if there are any specific triggers (such as the oral sex), find ways around them. Things should improve but if not please do encourage her to seek further counselling. Make sure she knows it is not that you are demanding anything of her that she can not give - that she is enough for you but that part of a healthy relationsip is being able to express sexuality and you want her to be able to do this with you. Good luck.
Author koobeanz Posted March 24, 2004 Author Posted March 24, 2004 Thanks for the advice, I'll surely take it to heart. What is a good way of bringing it up so I'm sensitive to her feelings and when is a good time too? I'll be listening, thanks again.
meanon Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 You're welcome. For the most part rely on non-verbals or brief verbal prompts to encourage her while you are making love. For discussion about the triggers, asking her to show you what she likes and doesn't, talking about having physical intimacy without sex and (if things don't improve) the need for counselling - just choose a time when making love is not imminent but you are close - cuddling maybe? Sometime when she is relaxed and feeling supported. If she is defensive do reassure that it is not that she is not giving you what you need but that you love her so much you want her to enjoy it more and you want to find new ways to show her that you love her that she will enjoy too.
jenny Posted March 24, 2004 Posted March 24, 2004 if it has not already been said, decide in advance to believe her completely. rape victims are under more of a burden of a proof than any other person on the planet; if you are her man, don't make her her prove anything, fix anything, or justify anything. a long time ago, i lost a close friend because i acted vaguely legally when i should have acted emphatically. this is not the time for evidence, it is the time for closeness and kindness.
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