Friendzone

[Questionis]

????

It is clear you know nothing about men if that is the response you gave to my post.

Your quote is pretty off too, I'm hoping that's sarcastic...

[Questionis]

In that case she'd get my e-mail address, but I wouldn't reply to her e-mails unless there would be a dire situation where she'd need help.

 

However all I would need to know are 3 things.

 

- Is she healthy? (If not, then I'd offer help)

- Is she safe? (If not, then I'd offer help)

- Is she happy? (If not, then I'd feel bad for her, but may not contact her)

 

 

If the answer is yes to all three, then good for her and I'll keep going my merry way.

Oh well, I guess, I put my point and you put yours... Anyway, lovely Mr Nexus, and lovely fellow threaders, I am off to sleep as I have work in a few hours.

I will return as soon as I my schedule allows.

Goodniggght and to "my british massive" good morning

[xpaperxcutx]

Well I hope so, I don't need every man in the world to be my friend!

 

 

I think human beings are all sexual beings, we just are. The random comment is fine, I guess. However, I once was talking to someone who I though was my friend, as I was dating someone and it went badly, I rang him up to cry my eyes and he insisted that I come to his house, and watch DVDs with him and refused to listen unless I did. That is not cool

 

From my understanding of men, they don't like talking about relationships unless they're necessarily have to. Even at that, they try to tolerate the fact that most women like to rehash certain things over and over again like dissecting a frog. Guys are naturally very straightforward, once it's done, talked about and over with, they move on to the next topic.

[phineas]

Oh well, I suppose the fact that getting a decent female friend who can demystify women for you and the fact that she has lots of female friends completely serve no purpose for you then? That's ignoring the act that she is a friend and all the benefits that come with friendship providing you don't try to make friends with a pscho??

 

that would be cool.

Don't see it happening though.

[phineas]

Oh I read your thread... have you changed your avatar? Yeah that girl is a nut job...I'd say cut losses and leave her alone! Hmmm, you need to change up somehow... Do something different open up your social circle? People like that are just a nuisance. Start to make you think that the world is populated by nutters

I know what you mean about wasting your time in my longest stint of singledom, four years, I met such a wide variety of unsuitable guys, I ended up spending alternating between crying with frustration and sighing in despair

argggh, just keep your chin up man. Sane girls are out there:bunny:

 

I know exactly what the problem is.

I'm a great guy.

I'm just too fat for them.

No, seriously.

I've been lifting hard for about 2 yrs. Lost 55lbs.

 

I've got a good amount of muscle but still need to drop about 15lbs to 20lbs of fat.

 

It's really just that simple. NOW.

 

When I was younger, I was all buff. Just lacked confidence around women & never made a move on them.

 

These days i'm chock full of confidence.

[xpaperxcutx]

The friend zone is just a catch phrase used to talk about a certain type of rejection. It’s like when people talk about being a nice guy. It really doesn’t mean much or get to the details of the specific situation.

 

NS, knowing you, reading your more sensible responses make me chuckle.

[hydorclops]

I'm a man and I don't use the idea of the friendzone. I understand it and I have some sympathy for some people who think this way.

 

But I absolutely believe men and women can be friends. I've had and have woman friends.

 

In some cases there was sexual tension and flirting. I'm thinking of some drinking buddies from years ago. This was fun and interesting and good. I didn't feel deprived by not having sex with them.

 

I have a friend now who I see every couple of weeks and I will never have sex with her. I know I don't want to, and I know she doesn't want to. It's good.

 

Some men, especially here, are pretty sensitive to this whole thing.

[irc333]

I think the men that don't have a problem being friends with women, are usually in some kind of "Friends with Benefits" situation with said women.

[sally4sara]

I think the men that don't have a problem being friends with women, are usually in some kind of "Friends with Benefits" situation with said women.

 

I suspect this is an assumption born of wishful thinking.

[hydorclops]

irc333: I think the men that don't have a problem being friends with women, are usually in some kind of "Friends with Benefits" situation with said women.

 

You really don't have to sexualize every woman you know. Control your imagination a little.

 

If you're a man all clenched up about the friendzone, how to you process young girls and elderly women? Do you pretend they don't exist? Find them icky?

[GoodOnPaper]

I get the impression from some people on here, that being "freindzoned" is a fate worst than death itself.

 

Yeah, that's about right . . . but who would want to be in any "friendship", whether it's with a man or woman, where there is such a huge power dynamic imbalance? I can't imagine that there is really much debate about that.

 

It may be a different matter if you're discussing how sensitive one should be about the friendzone concept. I'm very sensitive to it, probably as a result of being a low-demand male -- dating opportunities were few and far between and never more than one at a time -- so when I felt comfortable getting to know a woman as a potential dating partner, feelings of "friendship" would invariably be accompanied by sexual attraction. However, with my true friends (male and female), the friendship feelings -- meaning that I am actually willing to make the time to spend with them -- really developed over time as a result of common interests, station in life, etc. and the initial meetings never had anything to do with assessing them as potential dating partners.

[Stockalone]

I get the impression from some people on here, that being "freindzoned" is a fate worst than death itself.

I think I'd be really doing myself a disservice if I was to cut off every single male who approached me if I didn't consider them a potential partner. I do like to have my friends round mine occasionally, so what's the solution to this?

 

You don't have to cut off those men. If they don't want to be friends with you (because you don't want to date them, or for other reasons), they will simply back off or remove themselves from your life entirely.

 

 

Surely you fellas don't fall in love with every woman you meet. Is it still considered being friendzoned with them as well? What if you merely thought they were pretty and didn't know them enough to claim feelings of love? What if you only found them mildly attractive or attractive but not your preference? You're still hopelessly in love with them too?

 

I'm wondering if infatuation is getting recognized as love......

 

I agree that love is almost always too strong a word to use. I don't think people can feel true love when the other person isn't even into them. Love takes time to develop, and while it has the potential to develop very fast between two people, love still needs to be nourished and cherished by both people in order to grow.

 

That said, I am certain that some guys are beyond the infatuation phase when they talk about not wanting to be in the friend zone. They just read the signals wrong. They start to move beyond the infatuation because they think the infatuation is mutual. They'll often assume that love could be possible because they view sharing intimate details about their lives, sharing laughter and spending quality time with a woman they are attracted to as the starting point for falling in love.

 

At least that's how it was for me. Still, I believe that it's possible to be friends with a woman after being rejected as a romantic prospect. But I also believe that it's not necessarily a good idea to remain friends.

 

It's a rather sobering and humiliating experience and not something you shrug off as easily as being rejected by a woman who doesn't know you. I don't think it's torture, but it does hurt, and going back to before feelings got involved (like they never existed) is probably not possible.

 

It changes the friendship, and it might never fully recover. Maybe that is what some people view as torture, when they have to swollow their pride and also have to make those feelings go away while maintaining contact. If you simply walk away, thus sacrificing the friendship, it seems a lot easier (and maybe healthier? I don't know) to deal with this. It could be a self-preservation thing.

 

Last but not least, there's also the other side. A woman who had to reject her friend might be hurt as well. She might have felt pressured, wondering what caused the guy to read all the signals wrong. She might also feel deceived, thinking that if the guy cuts contact, that all he ever wanted was sex, and that is all he ever valued. That he only pretended to be her friend, in order to get into her pants.

 

From my POV, that is actually the saddest part and what hurts the most. Not to mention that when that happens, it's also a bit insulting.

 

 

I'm thinking the "friendzone" is only an awful place to be for younger folks or folks who don't get laid often. Where as once you've been laid a good bit and it stops being like trying to find food when you're starving or you start getting it on the regular because you're in a LTR, the pressure is off and you're able to just enjoy people for their personality and the interests you have in common with them regardless of gender.

 

That's possible, but in that case it's only about sex. In my case, you'd have to amend it to "or folks who have a difficult time forming an emotional connection with the opposite gender".

 

Obviously, sex is important too, as it's part of a relationship. But not getting laid is not what makes me avoid making close female friends. For a chance at a relationship, I would always risk the friendship. That alone is reason enough to not go down that road again.

 

Honestly, under normal circumstances, I don't see myself becoming friends with a woman (regardless if I am attracted to her or not). I am looking for a gf, I am not really interested in making a new friend (male or female).

 

So if I talk to a woman (aside from polite small talk), it's because I want to date her. A friendship with a woman does have it's merits, but at least for me, it's too risky and takes a lot of effort. That's not the fault of women, it's a result of my own issues.

 

But still, if all I want is a friend, it's a lot easier to be friends with my male friends.

 

 

This sounds like you only "put up" with women because you get sex, reading that just made my blood run cold...I hoping either I read that wrong or you fall into the 10% of the population. I'm hoping I'm not deluding myself.

 

I am sure that's how it looks most of the time from a woman's POV. However, I tried to give another explanation (although that is tied to sex as well) above in my reply to sally4sara.

 

 

Sorry about that, guys in this thread and Loveshack and all the ones reading this thread...but just because someone doesn't want to go out with you doesn't mean they stop caring whether you exist or not.

 

Caring wheter someone exists or not is sometimes just not enough.

 

 

Are you saying that once you are no longer in a relationship with someone you can just automatically cut off all feelings you had for them e.g caring about their welfare, etc? Just like switching off a computer game?

 

You can still care, but that doesn't mean you have to stay in contact. Cutting contact and moving on is sometimes the right thing to do.

 

 

I think having friends from the opposite sex is hazardous but you learn so much from guys so much more quickly and clearly than if you just have only female friends.

 

I think that guys could benefit the same way, even if you can only hang out in public or in large groups.... or in a limited way

 

I agree that men can benefit from having a female friend. However, at least for me it takes a lot of effort and there is a lot that can go wrong, so the risk outweighs the benefits IMO.

 

 

I really don't want to associate with men who hate women based on nothing but gender and some "dodgy" facts that they apply to every single woman.

 

I don't understand where you see "men who hate women", based on the replies you have gotten so far.

 

 

We still talk as we were in a LTR and you don't stop caring cos the relationship is over. Not every day, not met up in ages but,,,

 

As I said before, you don't need to stay in contact to care. I have never stayed in contact with an ex. That by itself doesn't mean that I no longer cared.

 

 

Oh well, I suppose the fact that getting a decent female friend who can demystify women for you and the fact that she has lots of female friends completely serve no purpose for you then? That's ignoring the act that she is a friend and all the benefits that come with friendship providing you don't try to make friends with a pscho??

 

IME, being friends with a man is different than being friends with a woman. Besides, while I agree with the potential benefits you listed above, that (what someone can do for you) is really the last thing that should tip the scales when determining whether or not one should be friends with someone.

 

If those things are merely a bonus in addition to a friendship one values, then I don't mind.

[Questionis]

In that case she'd get my e-mail address, but I wouldn't reply to her e-mails unless there would be a dire situation where she'd need help.

 

However all I would need to know are 3 things.

 

- Is she healthy? (If not, then I'd offer help)

- Is she safe? (If not, then I'd offer help)

- Is she happy? (If not, then I'd feel bad for her, but may not contact her)

 

 

If the answer is yes to all three, then good for her and I'll keep going my merry way.

But do you think that a woman who you dumped because she made you feel rejected will email you and tell you that she is in an emergency situation? Like maybe, help I'm being mugged etc?

Women get hurt alot more than men because as far as I am aware there is no group of women who go around giving themselves acronyms with the sole purpose of sleeping with a many men as they can. Or is there?

Yet women don't act like this and for the record they still need sex, which is the reason that is being given for acting like this.

[Questionis]

From my understanding of men, they don't like talking about relationships unless they're necessarily have to. Even at that, they try to tolerate the fact that most women like to rehash certain things over and over again like dissecting a frog. Guys are naturally very straightforward, once it's done, talked about and over with, they move on to the next topic.

I know...This is probably the real reason why they get sooo upset about rejection.

And that's why this guy, unless he was trying to take advantage of me when I was feeling vulnerable, would not invite me to his house where he would have no escape from my self pitying, repetitive nattering.

[Questionis]

that would be cool.

Don't see it happening though.

Why not? You are more likely to meet a decent partner than to win the lotto and people win the lotto all the time.

[Questionis]

I know exactly what the problem is.

I'm a great guy.

I'm just too fat for them.

No, seriously.

I've been lifting hard for about 2 yrs. Lost 55lbs.

 

I've got a good amount of muscle but still need to drop about 15lbs to 20lbs of fat.

 

It's really just that simple. NOW.

 

When I was younger, I was all buff. Just lacked confidence around women & never made a move on them.

 

These days i'm chock full of confidence.

What? some girls like big guys. In fact I know very few girls who don't like big guys, especially if you are big and strong

I'm being serious, sometimes a run of bad luck makes you feel like perhaps you don't deserve or will never get better. When you start to believe that, it actually blocks your enthusiasm from going out or making an effort, just basically doing the things that will give you the opportunity to meet someone. Not a good place to be...

[Questionis]

The friend zone is just a catch phrase used to talk about a certain type of rejection. It’s like when people talk about being a nice guy. It really doesn’t mean much or get to the details of the specific situation.

And the situation/s that inspired this thread are still in the dark! Why come all the way to this place to not talk about your feelings?

[Nexus One]

But do you think that a woman who you dumped because she made you feel rejected will email you and tell you that she is in an emergency situation? Like maybe, help I'm being mugged etc?

 

It's not about feeling rejected, that's not the point. The point is getting on with your life after having been friendzoned without having an elephant in the room and have that elephant sit on top of you.

 

and tell you that she is in an emergency situation? Like maybe, help I'm being mugged etc?

 

She'll e-mail if she feels the need to. I could ask her if she's safe now after the mugging and leave it at that.

[Questionis]

I'm a man and I don't use the idea of the friendzone. I understand it and I have some sympathy for some people who think this way.

 

Some men, especially here, are pretty sensitive to this whole thing.

 

Thank you Hydorclops! Thank you!

[Questionis]

I think the men that don't have a problem being friends with women, are usually in some kind of "Friends with Benefits" situation with said women.

This is a generalisation and probably only applied to a very small amount of guys, probably those who love acronyms...

[Questionis]

I suspect this is an assumption born of wishful thinking.

hahahahah Another beautiful post Sally

[Questionis]

You really don't have to sexualize every woman you know. Control your imagination a little.

 

If you're a man all clenched up about the friendzone, how to you process young girls and elderly women? Do you pretend they don't exist? Find them icky?

*Sits watching while nodding

[sally4sara]

At least that's how it was for me. Still, I believe that it's possible to be friends with a woman after being rejected as a romantic prospect. But I also believe that it's not necessarily a good idea to remain friends.

 

Yeah, I agree that if you only found an interest in someone based on romantic attraction that was not reciprocated, the friendship will be faked on some level.

 

It's a rather sobering and humiliating experience and not something you shrug off as easily as being rejected by a woman who doesn't know you. I don't think it's torture, but it does hurt, and going back to before feelings got involved (like they never existed) is probably not possible.

 

As well, in my own experiences, I don't try to make a friend out of a guy who expressed romantic interest in me. So to later, after you've grown to care for them as a friend, it hurts a lot to learn they stuck around with ulterior motives. If it is as bad as these fellas make it out to be to be "friendzoned" by a woman they have romantic feelings for, why bother? All thats going to come of it is you feeling frustrated until you let her know her friendship was never appreciated. Then you're both salty.

 

Last but not least, there's also the other side. A woman who had to reject her friend might be hurt as well. She might have felt pressured, wondering what caused the guy to read all the signals wrong. She might also feel deceived, thinking that if the guy cuts contact, that all he ever wanted was sex, and that is all he ever valued. That he only pretended to be her friend, in order to get into her pants.

 

From my POV, that is actually the saddest part and what hurts the most. Not to mention that when that happens, it's also a bit insulting.

 

Yup, in the same way it hurts more to be rejected for a date by someone who knows you well than it is to be rejected for a date by a stranger. I'd go so far as to say it hurts worse. When seeking a relationship, you're asking for more out of a person than a friendship. So to get rejected by someone who knows you well for your interest in the less weighty association of a friendship hurts worse. Guys feel bad because the woman said no to all that goes into a relationship because it makes them feel like they didn't measure up? Imagine being told you don't measure up to even a friendly association just because of your genitalia! It tells the ladies that their only value is in you gaining sexual access to her and anything else - personality, interests, talents, viewpoint - you were never going to appreciate that anyway even if they had agreed to date you.

 

Personally, if you can enjoy a woman's company without getting laid - you're useless for a relationship anyway.

[Questionis]

I'm very sensitive to it, probably as a result of being a low-demand male -- dating opportunities were few and far between and never more than one at a time -- so when I felt comfortable getting to know a woman as a potential dating partner, feelings of "friendship" would invariably be accompanied by sexual attraction.

A low demand male? Wow seriously, you actually describe yourself like that? All this time I though it was something that guys used to put down other guys...

That's how normal guys are! Low demand and high demand is a label we apply to goods for sale. Anybody who can describe themselves in terms of their saleabilty is a whore. I have nothing against whores, but they are in no way better than me, and in no way better than you. There is no argument there.

Just enjoy your life and your valuable friendships. Don't believe that ****

[sally4sara]

You guys have no idea how much you tell about yourself when you say platonic friendship is never sincere on the guy's part. Its about a certain kind of attitude. We are not taught to think of men as useless or lesser. So women see value in the friendship of women AND men. They are able to respect both men and women if they're capable of respecting anyone. You can't be friends with someone you have no respect or appreciation for.

So if you find no value in the platonic company of women save for the hope she will one day want a romantic association -why on Earth do you think you have anything to offer a relationship? You won't be screwing 24/7 fer pete's sake! She isn't going to stick around just for your stick while you show no value for her beyond her sex.

 

"Honey I'll care how your day went after a BJ."

 

It doesn't work that way.