Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Could you women please define what it is that you believe a "friend" to be?? There are different types of friends and friendships. True, friends are people who you hang out with and tell your feelings to, no doubt. But sometimes it shorthand for someone, I know, and I like. Just to let you know, even though you may disregard the ocassional text message, its making an effort, why do you scoff at it like that? And the reason men get upset by this or rather the reason men SHOULD get upset by this is that by "friendzoning" them your disrespecting their masculinity and basically telling them that you do not view them as a sexual threat.. So that guy you invite over to your house to watch movies on the lifetime or hallmark channel or go and meet for coffee or whatever and that you know secretly wants to bang you that you let come over and boost your ego remember your not doing him a favor your actually slapping him in the face. I'm not sure what to say to that, its slighly annoying and I will not give a sarcastic response. Why should women view men as a sexual threat? Maybe we should section off men and women to socialize separately and the only wsex you have is with the woman your mom and dad chose for you. You can't have a divorce ever, so if you hate her, you will have too put up with her or arrange a little "accident"! You will be able to get away with it 3 or 4 times before people get suspicous. Also, if a woman s using your discomfort to boost her ego then she is a mean and nasty person, if you want to stop talking to her for that then fair play, but how does masculinity come into it?
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 You women keep making this about sex. It's not. What is it about then? Surely you can't have a LTR without getting to know someone?
Nexus One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 But people spend at least 40% of their lives on their own, are you going to spend 40 % of your life denying yourself friendship and just relentlessly chasing sex? Have we forgotten that women need sex also? You keep making this about sex. There might just as well be guys out there that are fine with just being your friend, guys that aren't in love with you in the first place and will not fall in love with you even after hanging out. I guess that's one of the reasons women like gay men as their friends so much, because it's safe in every way. (Except if they themselves fall in love with the gay guy)
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Simply because I believe it's not possible to love somebody you are not in a relationship with. It's simply infatuation. And no, I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt like hell. I think you are the only guy expressing yourself honestly in this thread. I really appreciate that I think this is the real reason, and to pretend it doesn't mean anything guys call it being friendzoned and to hurt the girl for rejecting you, you cut her off.
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Note that i used the term "in love", not actual love which develops far later in an LTR. So I was pointing at long term torment. An infatuation is simply a short term addiction and isn't long term. I will go out on a limb here and say you over philosophising your feelings. Being single sucks because of the sexual frustration and the amount of rejection. End of, even for the girls doing the rejection. Its like sitting in a restaurant for a meal and finding you can't eat anything on the menu and watching everyone else happily eating away. Just acknowledge the misery and find fun stuff to distract yourself with. Maybe spend time with friends...
Nexus One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 What is it about then? Surely you can't have a LTR without getting to know someone? It's possible for men to be around you and only fall in love after some period of time. So you might as well be some sort of friends first, but that will not be possible anymore after some period of time. I've known guys who have been friendzoned after 2 years of friendship after which they professed their love to her. I've known guys who have been in LTR's and been friendzoned during that LTR. Do you really think they wanted to stick around and watch how their girl gets it on with other guys? There isn't just 1 prototype situation where a guy can be friendzoned. I'm sure you can think of a few more type of situations.
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I never get tired of posting this.. There is so much truth in this series of words it should be the "Can you be friends? bible" I'm rolling my eyes at you I don't think I should have to cut myself off from male company because of this, which may or may not be true. Plus there are loads of gay guys, they are men as well
phineas Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 This sounds like you only "put up" with women because you get sex, reading that just made my blood run cold...I hoping either I read that wrong or you fall into the 10% of the population. I'm hoping I'm not deluding myself. considering i'm 39yrs old & NEVER met a woman that wanted to be a true friend you are 100%. I can tell you that if a woman tells me she wants to just be friends I will NEVER hit on her, or try anything on her. I do not befriend her hoping she'll decide she wants me or anything like that. Eventually, they try to use me, lead me on, cock-block me, inject un-needed drama into my life. Or lead me on to thinking i'll get sex if I ignore other women for them. it's a huge hassle. show me a chick that wants to hang out with me as friends & i'll show you a manipulator. Sorry, but that's my personal experience & the same thing has happened quite often to most of my friends.
counterman Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Now that you mention it phineas, I haven't met a girl who wanted to just be a true friend as well. I have had a few girl friends that have been interested in me and I wasn't interested in them. After a while, they disappeared. That's partly why I am a bit vary about getting close to a girl as a friend. I get this vibe sometimes that she wants something more. With the girls who tried to pass themselves off as my friends, it's always me that makes an effort to hang out. They're not real friends. At the end of my last relationship, my ex suggested that we should be friends. I told her that I couldn't be her friend because I had feelings for her. At that moment, I thought she was just being my friend to save her the guilt from lying to me and treating me as she did. I was right. She got really angry at me for not wanting to be her friend and yelled at me. I would love to have a close girl friend that I could just be myself around and despite my experiences so far, I do not rule out just being friends, even after a girl has rejected me.
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Do you really want to be these guys friends or is it b/c you feel better if you don't have to reject them outright? A real friendship takes time. How well do you know these guys to offer your friendship to them? ( or them you ) It all depends, if a guy comes with, I want to go out with you, and you try and it doesn't work for whatever reason then you have to break off regular contact. I have had a mix of guys, some who want to contact because they they think you will change your mind and turn nasty and start ignoring you when they see you won't. Guys who cut you off because you won't sleep with them within a few dates then contact you a few months/ weeks later saying lets be friends i.e. I'm on a dry spell and wanna check if you are a needy girl and will sleep with me even though I treated you so badly. Guys who try to pretend to be friends then cut you off if it doesn't lead into a relationship.. These are the types that I am on about in this thread. For your second question, with friends you never know, what it will be like. Sometimes people are really different but they are there for you, when you need them and reciprocate your effort. To make a friendship grow, you need to put an effort in, to learn later that all that effort was wasted simply because it didn't lead to sex, is hurtful and disappointing. i know guys need sex more than women but come on... where is the limit?
somedude81 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I think you are the only guy expressing yourself honestly in this thread. I really appreciate that I think this is the real reason, and to pretend it doesn't mean anything guys call it being friendzoned and to hurt the girl for rejecting you, you cut her off. No, it's not meant to hurt the girl, it's to protect myself. When I'm infatuated with somebody, the last thing I want to do is hurt her. But making sure I don't get hurt is more important than any pain I might give her by not spending time with her. As a mature adult, she should understand that spending time with her when I really like her but can't have her, is painful for me. So she should accept that we can't be friends until one of us changes our feelings, which may or may not ever happen.
Nexus One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Plus there are loads of gay guys, they are men as well If you really want a male friend, then the safest option for you is to find a Kinsey six gay guy, that will NEVER look at you in a sexual manner. However, if you fall in love with him, don't be surprised to get, well you guessed it...friendzoned. Don't get me wrong. I actually believe there are guys like Phineas out there that make a sincere effort and try to be true friends to women, but like he said, it didn't work for him due to the attitude of his female "friends".
Art_Critic Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Plus there are loads of gay guys, they are men as well there is the exception to the rule
Nexus One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 It all depends, if a guy comes with, I want to go out with you, and you try and it doesn't work for whatever reason then you have to break off regular contact. I have had a mix of guys, some who want to contact because they they think you will change your mind and turn nasty and start ignoring you when they see you won't. Guys who cut you off because you won't sleep with them within a few dates then contact you a few months/ weeks later saying lets be friends i.e. I'm on a dry spell and wanna check if you are a needy girl and will sleep with me even though I treated you so badly. Guys who try to pretend to be friends then cut you off if it doesn't lead into a relationship.. These are the types that I am on about in this thread. For your second question, with friends you never know, what it will be like. Sometimes people are really different but they are there for you, when you need them and reciprocate your effort. To make a friendship grow, you need to put an effort in, to learn later that all that effort was wasted simply because it didn't lead to sex, is hurtful and disappointing. i know guys need sex more than women but come on... where is the limit? I'm getting the feeling you've been giving off wrong signals to guys from the start. Perhaps you need to be clear to them the first second you smell their interest is beyond mere friendship and draw a clear line.
phineas Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Now that you mention it phineas, I haven't met a girl who wanted to just be a true friend as well. I have had a few girl friends that have been interested in me and I wasn't interested in them. After a while, they disappeared. That's partly why I am a bit vary about getting close to a girl as a friend. I get this vibe sometimes that she wants something more. With the girls who tried to pass themselves off as my friends, it's always me that makes an effort to hang out. They're not real friends. At the end of my last relationship, my ex suggested that we should be friends. I told her that I couldn't be her friend because I had feelings for her. At that moment, I thought she was just being my friend to save her the guilt from lying to me and treating me as she did. I was right. She got really angry at me for not wanting to be her friend and yelled at me. I would love to have a close girl friend that I could just be myself around and despite my experiences so far, I do not rule out just being friends, even after a girl has rejected me. I've never had an unattractive woman seek my friendship. Never had an unattractive woman want to hang out. The ugly truth is their looking for more orbiters or putting me on the short list & keeping me close for safe keeping. Because as soon as a good looking woman starts showing interest they decide they really like me & want to date. I think to myself, well their attractive, really cool & we already know each other fairly well, why not. Then the games begin. The wanting me to treat them like we are exclusive while they come up with BS ways to avoid sex. Eventually I slam the door hard or they literally jump into bed with some guy they just met & he's their new BF.
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 You keep making this about sex. I'm not making this about sex. You keep saying guys, when you mean you. All the men in here have all said something different regarding this issue, but even with this relatively small sample I get that its disappointing. Sorry about that, guys in this thread and Loveshack and all the ones reading this thread...but just because someone doesn't want to go out with you doesn't mean they stop caring whether you exist or not.
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I've known guys who have been friendzoned after 2 years of friendship after which they professed their love to her. I've known guys who have been in LTR's and been friendzoned during that LTR. Do you really think they wanted to stick around and watch how their girl gets it on with other guys? Are you saying that once you are no longer in a relationship with someone you can just automatically cut off all feelings you had for them e.g caring about their welfare, etc? Just like switching off a computer game?
Nexus One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'm not making this about sex. You keep saying guys, when you mean you. All the men in here have all said something different regarding this issue, but even with this relatively small sample I get that its disappointing. Sorry about that, guys in this thread and Loveshack and all the ones reading this thread...but just because someone doesn't want to go out with you doesn't mean they stop caring whether you exist or not. I only used myself as an example in the first 2 replies on the 1st page of this entire thread. All I can say you're getting the wrong idea from the rest of my replies. Perhaps I've not been understanding your replies very well either. However you starting this thread and your own replies show that you've been encountering the difficulties I and others have been mentioning.
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Eventually, they try to use me, lead me on, cock-block me, inject un-needed drama into my life. Or lead me on to thinking i'll get sex if I ignore other women for them. it's a huge hassle. show me a chick that wants to hang out with me as friends & i'll show you a manipulator. Oh my goodness, how terrible what about gay girls? Or will that end up like Chasing Amy?
Nexus One Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Are you saying that once you are no longer in a relationship with someone you can just automatically cut off all feelings you had for them e.g caring about their welfare, etc? Just like switching off a computer game? No you can't and that's exactly the point. And I'm not using myself as an example here, but men ARE territorial when it comes to their woman/girl. They will have a hard time facing the sight of their girl with another. Men do have hearts you know. Suppose you got friendzoned by your LTR boyfriend and a week later he starts to have a passionate relationship with another girl/woman. How would you feel. Would you stick around and watch while your heart bleeds out? I'm willing to bet you wouldn't.
Yamaha Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 The difference for men is that when they b/c emotionally attached he will want more than friendship whereas a women can be emotionally attached and be fine with friendship only. Women have an easier time being just friends and no, it's not all just about getting sex for men.
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I would love to have a close girl friend that I could just be myself around and despite my experiences so far, I do not rule out just being friends, even after a girl has rejected me. I think having friends from the opposite sex is hazardous but you learn so much from guys so much more quickly and clearly than if you just have only female friends. I think that guys could benefit the same way, even if you can only hang out in public or in large groups.... or in a limited way
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 As a mature adult, she should understand that spending time with her when I really like her but can't have her, is painful for me. So she should accept that we can't be friends until one of us changes our feelings, which may or may not ever happen. Ok well, I suppose that's what facebook is for... you can always stalk their facebook to check they are still alive and see how they are doing.Seeing as you(woman) are clearly the only one who actually cared about how they were doing. Theirs(men) was purely dependent of the possibility of sex/love/etc
phineas Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Oh my goodness, how terrible what about gay girls? Or will that end up like Chasing Amy? I hate to be blunt, but.... I don't require a female friend. I require a GF. actually, i'd like GF. i'm quite content being single right now.
Author Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 If you really want a male friend, then the safest option for you is to find a Kinsey six gay guy, that will NEVER look at you in a sexual manner. However, if you fall in love with him, don't be surprised to get, well you guessed it...friendzoned. I wasn't looking for a safe option and I think Kinsey 6 (had to google that) gay gays would harbour some kind of hatred to women. As much as straight guys who act in strange ways that cause you to regret ever giving a second of your time who doesn't give a **** if you are alive or dead because there is no possibility of sex/love. I really don't want to associate with men who hate women based on nothing but gender and some "dodgy" facts that they apply to every single woman. On a sidenote, I have snogged loads of gay guys!!!hahahhaahah
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