Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 How could it be harmless ?? She couldn't spin it to be harmless.. he is already upset over this.. that isn't harmless. 100-1 if she did something like this for a project she would have included him in the loop of what she was doing... What you say makes sense. However there's always that small possibility that it is indeed harmless. Ok so here's what you could do. Ask her how she feels about your relationship and if she still wants to be with you for the full 100%. Perhaps she'll tell you that she hasn't been feeling so great in the relationship. If that's the case, then there's no need to bring up the dating website. If that fails, then well, doing what Art_Critic proposes seems one of your only options. And if she says that it's for a school project, then you could say: "Show me the proof." I know that might not be the best way to handle this situation and is perhaps a lame way to go about things, but I don't see an easy solution here.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Believe me (from bitter experience) you can waste years of your life excusing behaviour or thinking if this goes any further then it will be wrong. But this must be tormenting you and making you unhappy. Someone who cares about you and wants to be with you just wouldn't join a dating site behind your back. Sorry. I agree with that. This shouldn't go on for years. You'll be wasting valuable time of your life.
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Oh, it's clearly NOT a research project, but she would likely use that as the #1 excuse. I agree with you that she would most likely pull it out.. he has already asked her about he active projects though so it would make it harder for her to use given that it would make her dishonest just using the line. She could be using it for attention.. that still doesn't make it right... She could be looking at her options out there.. that doesn't make it right.She also could be doing a research project.. but the way she is doing it coupled with the need to hide it from him doesn't make it right.. Sorry Hockeyman.. there is something up.. do as J1972 mentioned and compile more info so that you at the very least make an informed decision and not a knee jerk one..
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Trust me guys, when I first found out she had a profile and read through the information she put on it I was choked up. I shook in my seat for hours and felt like I was blindsided big time. I won't be making a knee-jerk reaction that's for sure, but nonetheless it hasn't gone off my mind since I've found out about it. One possibility is to say that one of my friends (who I won't name) has a match.com membership and searched our area (which is REALLY small) and told me that he thinks my woman has a profile on it. There are a ton of clues on that profile that would indicate it's her, so it wouldn't be like it was a random guess. Still not sure
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Well anyway I seen her for a minute last night and she was being so different that I lost my cool and ended up confronting her about it. Basically what she did was laugh it off and say it was for school and tried to make a joke out of it. But she told me it was from years ago, yet it was actually only made yesterday. Anyway I told her if it was for school she should've mentioned it to me and basically she was scrambling all over the place and didn't know what to say to me. She said she was embarrassed that people might actually think she's trying to online date and she went home and took her profile down right away. This also makes me wonder.. if it's for school why did she end up taking it down? Anyway in my gut I think she was lying about it all. She didn't take down her eharmony which is one that I didn't mention that I knew about. So now she's pissed off that I'm not "trying to make things better". I obviously felt lied to and stupid so I took the morning to go to the gym and play hockey and concentrate on my work. I also know that she's stubborn and you gotta let things play itself out with her because the times when I've tried to make things better it doesn't work out too well. So this time I wait and let her come to me and she doesn't. Well she messages me and calls me passive. I don't really know what to do. She said she's mad at me (but why would she be?). It's like she needs to feel superior to me in this relationship or something. I've tried to hang out with her a few times this week and she's always too busy and never reschedules. I mention this and she says I'm not persistent enough? Why do I need to persist after a year and a half lol. So anyway then I say we can get together tonight to talk about it and she says she's too busy but she did say we can meet up tomorrow. One thing I noticed though is she tells me to speak my mind - and I do. But in a year and a half not one time has she ever came to me, or took blame for anything or even partial blame. If there's ever any kind of problem I have to apologize or nothing gets solved. It's like she neeeds power or something. I don't know. Rant yes but I feel better
Art_Critic Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Anyway in my gut I think she was lying about it all. She didn't take down her eharmony which is one that I didn't mention that I knew about. Rant yes but I feel better Sorry about it HM... You don't have to think in your gut that she was lying becuase you caught her lying.. that isn't a gut reaction.. that is the truth of the matter, that she lied to you. You know it was made just a few days ago, but she said it was real old. Lie... Also.. an old profile would most likely have been hidden anyhow.. She said she was embarrassed that people might think she was online dating.. lie. Also.. like you said she kept the E-harmony one up. and.. if the profile was real old then why wasn't she worried about being embarrassed months ago.. I think you caught her and she doesn't want to own up to her own actions.. She needs to come clean with you in order for this to go anywhere or you guys are over.
Jonno_S Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) You could create your own phony profile and hit on her.. that would be in the realm of perfectly okay considering she has one and is looking for guys, just as long as yours isn't real and you only use the profile to hit on her. Beleive it or not, I actually did this but one step better. I never even knew or heard of the site she was on but once I saw her e-mail in box once. So I set up a fake profile which corresponded with her likes and just waited. She eventually reached out to "him." W/out bragging too much I'll say that I played it brilliantly. I set up a "date" with her and everything. Caught her red handed and ended it in a funny way but still in her face. But to respond to the OP - I don't see having an active dating profile as a problem. I do it just to people-watch in a sense. What I'd have a problem with, however, is that she's keeping secrets from you...smells like something's up. Edited January 24, 2011 by Jonno_S
jenifer1972 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 She gaslighted exactly as I told you she would. It 's for school, I did that years ago, now I'm mad at you cause you don't trust me. That is all cr@polla and don't forget that..
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Yeah. Ever since this everything has gone downhill. She informs me that she's been "thinking" for a while now and that I'm too passive which is not true. Anyway, I tried talking to her but she will only talk to me over text and it is basically what I would consider insults. She said she's had a year and a half of pain from my passiveness so I deleted her off BBM which in turn I get called childish and need to "grow up". ANyway I am a quiet guy in nature but it doesn't take 15 months to figure that out. I am by no means passive. Well yes a lot of days I wait for her to txt me first cause she's busier than I am and she usually always txts me good night because I go to bed later than her. But I am the one who tries to spend time with her and often times gets rejected which I wouldn't consider passive. Then I try to be assertive like she wants but her stubborn personality turns it down. If I'm assertive and say I'm meeting her somewhere in an hour she just says "no". I do not understand girls. So then after saying that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me I say ok fine and she gets mad that I don't show any passion and drive to keep it alive. So then if I say ok lets meet up and talk she says "too late to try and be assertive now". Why am I the bad guy for that. I really do want to be with her but why do I always have to fight. I have fought for her 3 or 4 times in this relationship and she has fought 0 for me. And here I am being told I don't care enough about her after investing 2903429034902349023904$ and 29304920342934 hours of my time when she's probably spent 50$ on me and visited my apartment 3 times in 5 months. So she says call me and we can talk about what we both need to improve for us and I call her and tell her what I think I can do and I ask her what she can do and she says nothing. Miss perfect. Then I get hung up on. My confidence is through the ground right now. Try working your ass off for a year and a half then being told you never did try or care
jenifer1972 Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Well now she is doing something called " double binding" you: damned if you do and if you don't. She is not a psych student, she is a master of it! Of course these are all great smoke screens to take your attention off her cheating behavior... " Well I did that because you are too this, too that!". Do you see that? You sure you want to stick this out??
Binster Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Dont bother telling her she's dumped just go no contact and refuse to have anything to do with her. She's a wrong un. It's going to hurt whenever you do it, so the sooner you start the sooner the pain is over. Good luck.
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