hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 ..... she doesn't use her real name or location and no pics. She accurately describes herself and her interests though and describes the type of man she wants. We've been going out a year and a half and I'm not sure what to think of this. She's studying PSychology and she has talked about doing studies about online dating in the past, but I've asked her what her projects are lately and they have nothing to do with dating. What to think?
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 ..... she doesn't use her real name or location and no pics. She accurately describes herself and her interests though and describes the type of man she wants. We've been going out a year and a half and I'm not sure what to think of this. She's studying PSychology and she has talked about doing studies about online dating in the past, but I've asked her what her projects are lately and they have nothing to do with dating. What to think? It's possible that she values her privacy, hence the lack of private details on dating websites.
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Yes, but she made one just today. I'm not sure of the reasonings behind it
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Yes, but she made one just today. I'm not sure of the reasonings behind it If you guys have only been dating, then perhaps she's looking into multi-dating. However in that case she should be telling you. Isn't dating for 1.5 years quite long though? Haven't you guys progressed into a mutually exclusive long term relationship? If not, why?
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 We are exclusive but we're only in our early twenties, so I don't know what the deal is. I've tried to get her to bring up the fact that she has a profile but she hasn't yet. THe only reason I know she does is cause I saw it in her history
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm not sure of the reasonings behind it A person makes an online dating profile in order to meet and date someone. They leave their pictures off so they don't get recognized by their friends or BF/GF's/Wife. There is NO other plausible explanation for creating a dating profile while being in a relationship with another for over 1.5 years other than to date. Time for a sit down with her.. she is obviously not happy with the way things are right now.. A school project.. maybe but she wouldn't use her own details as to not be recognized by any friends or anybody else till after the paper was done so that kills that idea..
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 We are exclusive but we're only in our early twenties, so I don't know what the deal is. I've tried to get her to bring up the fact that she has a profile but she hasn't yet. THe only reason I know she does is cause I saw it in her history As a guy I find that suspicious. I'm not saying she's up to something, but suspicious nonetheless. Especially because she's describing the kind of man she's looking for.
jenifer1972 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Oh, I have been through THIS..could write a novel.!! My husband put up a profile when we were engaged on a site, but gave a different state and name on the profile.. It drove me to distraction..til I finally confronted him. He then denied he had done it...we went to counseling..finally kinda admitted he did it, but it was just looking, curiousity... I am convinced that some people just love attention from the opposite sex, and even when they are in a committed relationship, find it hard to drop the behavior. Frankly, having been through this with bitter fights, I would advise you keep it to yourself, and just observe her at this point to find out what she is up to. Confronting will result in all kinds of fighting, gaslighting, lame excuses, and you put her on guard to just be sneakier in the future. She obviously is intrigued with this, given her "research projects" on it in the past. I came to the conclusion, in retrospect, that as long as it is a fake profile with a fake ID in another state, and there is no actual contact or camming with real people, just monitor. Doing otherwise makes them go underground. You may come to the conclusion this is a deal breaker, but give yourself some time to see just exactly what she is up to without letting her know you are on to her.
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Ok first of all I'll fess up. She seemed distant the past week so I didn't actually see it in her history - I checked her emails to see if anything was going on. Yes I know invasion of privacy and I'll get **** on for it, but I'd rather know than not know. Anywho, yes I'm suspicious but basically have no way of bringing it up. If I tell her exactly how I know, it will definitely get spun back on me for looking at her email AND she'll deny anything to do with her profile. She'll say its for school even if it isn't.
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Do you fit the type of guy she is looking for on her dating profile ? Also.. is this profile hidden from view or is it active ?
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks for the input. It's hard to be myself around her with this on my mind though. It also kills to see her put the time into making these profiles (she's made two today on two different sites) and describe the type of guy she's looking for, ideal heights ideal ages, etc. obviously some of which doesn't fit me. The line "Who's ready to come get me?" really stung the most
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 You could create your own phony profile and hit on her.. that would be in the realm of perfectly okay considering she has one and is looking for guys, just as long as yours isn't real and you only use the profile to hit on her.
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Art Critic - I fit most of it. But obviously not all the heights/religions/races she's noted. It's an active profile but she isn't paying for it because she lives at home and her parents will find out. So basically she's just able to use the features that she can use for free. Her profile is seen by whoever, but I'm not familiar as to how far she can go without paying. She's already had two guys try to contact her, not sure if she's able to contact back. And ArtCritic I've thought of that. But I'm not sure how much I can do with an unpaid eharmony account. It takes a long time to set it up, I don't want to waste my time
jenifer1972 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Oh, Gosh! Totally feel your pain. RESIST however, confronting at this point. Collect data, PRINT OUT the profiles, because once or if you decide to confront, they will be deleted pronto, and there goes your evidence.. DO NOT EVER reveal how you found out. I told my husband I had an internet forensic expert hired to check and see if he was on any dating sites, and in actuality, I did do that, when I found the first one. Fortunately, there was only one site.. Nonetheless, one too many, but... I can tell you though, I would bet my house on it, if you confront, she will say it is a psychology "research project"....
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) You could create your own phony profile and hit on her.. that would be in the realm of perfectly okay considering she has one and is looking for guys, just as long as yours isn't real and you only use the profile to hit on her. If you want to be sure, then you could do this. You'd be playing a game though. Not necessarily something you want to do. You could use this strategy to find out if she intends to really cheat on you or not. You could try to schedule a date with her. Then have her show up at some restaurant and then walk in on her as her date. That would shock the hell out of her and you will have your answer. She will have to be honest after that with you. Edited January 23, 2011 by Nexus One
jenifer1972 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Hmmm, EHarmony, yep that one takes a LONG time to set up. Not like Match.com, etc. I'd make a profile on one of the easier ones.
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Ok I'll try to resist. But like I say I'm terrible at being myself when something is bothering me. She'll pick up on it pretty quickly. I don't want to do the whole fake account thing unless I'm actually able to contact her without paying. And having a lot of research experience in my own right, I know that even a psychology experiment wouldn't require her to write people back, or even put accurate details about herself. It'd be just to see how the site operates, if anything. So I have a bad gut feeling about this
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Oh, Gosh! Totally feel your pain. RESIST however, confronting at this point. Collect data, PRINT OUT the profiles, because once or if you decide to confront, they will be deleted pronto, and there goes your evidence.. DO NOT EVER reveal how you found out. I told my husband I had an internet forensic expert hired to check and see if he was on any dating sites, and in actuality, I did do that, when I found the first one. Fortunately, there was only one site.. Nonetheless, one too many, but... I can tell you though, I would bet my house on it, if you confront, she will say it is a psychology "research project".... I'm curious J1972.. why wouldn't he confront her now.. she is on multiple sites.. she has guys contacting her.. Why the need to gather more detail and data ? Isn't finding out his SO is on different dating sites enough to question the person on those sites ?? I can see if they were married..being married is different than if 2 people are just dating.. in a marriage there is more at stake and there is also the legal options to consider and deal with as well as wanting to salvage the marriage. But... If my wife created any dating profiles and I knew about them you can rest assure that we would be sitting down that night and discussing our future together with the printed out profiles in hand. It sounds to me that she is either looking for male attention or looking to find another BF.. either way what she is doing is in no way whatsoever healthy relationship material. and if it is a research project then he could request that she not use her own details or email addresses.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Don't jump to conclusions too early though. It could be completely harmless.
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Hmmm, EHarmony, yep that one takes a LONG time to set up. Not like Match.com, etc. I'd make a profile on one of the easier ones. You also have to pay to play on those sites... If she is indeed contacting men, winking at them or doing the questionnaires of the guys that contact her then she has paid to be on those sites and that would not be good..
Art_Critic Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 It could be completely harmless. How could it be harmless ?? She couldn't spin it to be harmless.. he is already upset over this.. that isn't harmless. 100-1 if she did something like this for a project she would have included him in the loop of what she was doing...
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I know we're not married but there are still things at stake. Obviously not as big but I'm trying to finish a dissertation which could be a lot harder if I find out she's being different. And we do have a trip booked for 3 months from now which would leave me in the hole and isn't fun as a student
jenifer1972 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Oh, it's clearly NOT a research project, but she would likely use that as the #1 excuse. The reason I say wait a bit, is so he can really see what she is made of, and consider what he needs to do when he is not in a state of total shock. People like this gaslight like CRAZY when they are caught, you want your ducks in a row and be able to confront when you are not in the heat of fury or betrayal. This may be a deal breaker for him, or it may not, he needs to really think this through. For me, it wasn't. My husband was a big playboy prior to meeting me, and he had some "residual" player left in him for awhile, but to me it was worth it to get the evidence, confront him in front of a counselor with the evidence, and work it out. This may not be the case for the OP. Just, given everything I've been through, I'd wait at least a week. But I realize this is very hard to "sit on", because I've been there.
Author hockeyman80 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I made a match.com and winked her but didn't get any kind of response back. It seems like she gave up on that one after she realized she had to pay. So I'm not sure if this is an issue or not. But one guy did send her a questionnaire on eharmony. And even if she doesn't pay and can't contact anyone, why she's home spending hours to sign up on these sites when she claims she's "too busy" to hang out with me is an obvious concern.
britchick Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 All you have to ask yourself is, 'Would I join a dating site having been in this relationship for 1.5years?' I suspect the answer would be no. It doesn't matter what others think, do you find it acceptable? Believe me (from bitter experience) you can waste years of your life excusing behaviour or thinking if this goes any further then it will be wrong. But this must be tormenting you and making you unhappy. Someone who cares about you and wants to be with you just wouldn't join a dating site behind your back. Sorry.
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