babybear Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 If any of you read my previous thread - I was in a long term relationship (4 yrs). We realized there might be some obstacles to us getting married (cultural/religious differences of our families). Anyway - I guess every-time he sort of freaked out about it, he would disappear! And I had to call a million times, smooth things out, etc. Now, this gets pretty tiring and annoying! I never ran - I always said we could work thru problems. So, it started getting to a breaking point when I could no longer tolerate his distance. We're in grad school with huge exams coming up, and when he should have been my support system - and me HIS support, he went MIA again. I spent ridiculous amounts of time wondering where he was, arguing about it, etc. I ended it FINALLY - and I guess he didn't believe it? I didn't really believe it myself. He txts the next day from work that he'll call at nite to talk. I was slightly relieved. At night, he ends up calling really late, so that I didn't get the msg. By that time of day, I had no energy to talk anyway. The next day he says, we'll talk. No call (Fri nite.) I got SO fed up. Like, you're on the BRINK of losing me, how are you not MAKING time for this stupid call? Realizing I was probably losing the most out of this, I texted him - and it wasn't mean - just said I have to get my priorities in order. I waited around ALOT, but now making time for these 'talks' and continually being disappointed is affecting my life and I have to walk away. I don't know if I wanted a response, but I sure didn't get one! I've been doing NC - which isn't that hard, since we weren't speaking much anyway. But I'm a little sad and REALLY angry about how cast off to the side I was! I'm in my late 20's...have long outgrown calling him and screaming my head off. But that's it?! No apology even for everything I've been through? I feel so unsettled, but is it best to just continue on doing what I'm doing - with ZERO closure?
suddendumpee Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 You did have the last word then right? You texted him and he never replied. Anyway, I know how you feel. I've been so close to writing my ex 1 "final" email telling her I know that she lied/cheated. The problem is that this thing we call "closure" can not come through contact. Any contact will either get a response of defensiveness and possible something hurtful. Even a kind response will only trigger a desire to continue the contact with even more questions thereby delaying your healing. No response at all will further anger you. Closure WILL NOT come from his words. It will only come as a result of letting go and reaizing he was no good for you. So if its closure that you're looking for, you need to become a ghost to him.
Author babybear Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Hi Sudden, you're absolutely right. Anything besides moving forward will only keep me in the present. I think it's just a lot of resentment and nowhere to let it out. Probably some bruised ego too. If he didn't call and I was about to walk...wow, he clearly didn't care if I left. Anyway - this is all pretty fresh still, but I'm gonna work up to blocking him from my email, phone, etc. Last thing I need is him popping up out of nowhere to try to weasel back in.
Rose T Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 You know, you probably will hear from him at some point - sounds like he's on a delayed reaction time, sadly. It sounds like part of his passive-agressive way of dealing with conflict - or rather not dealing with it. I'm sorry it's been so frustrating for you but you definitely deserve better communication in a relationship. Sudden's right though - closure is something you have to find yourself. If your boyfriend's not been delivering in other areas of your relationship - as usual, he's not going to step up to the mark and deliver this to you either.
Author babybear Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Hi Rose, You are so very right. If he's dropped the ball a million other times, I don't expect him to take initiative and make any grand gestures. Maybe I'll hear from him, and maybe I won't - but I'm doing my best to focus on me. I can't say I wouldn't love a heart felt apology...but I think I've been disappointed by him enough times not to hold out for that. I think the saddest part is, he may not even know that I'm THIS exasperated because he is so much in his own world!
xpaperxcutx Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hi Rose, You are so very right. If he's dropped the ball a million other times, I don't expect him to take initiative and make any grand gestures. Maybe I'll hear from him, and maybe I won't - but I'm doing my best to focus on me. I can't say I wouldn't love a heart felt apology...but I think I've been disappointed by him enough times not to hold out for that. I think the saddest part is, he may not even know that I'm THIS exasperated because he is so much in his own world! Something to keep in mind. You need to set some rules in regards to how much you can tolerate someone's bad behaviour before you say enough is enough.
Movingthrough Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Like sudden said, you will not get the response you want. I have a buddydealing with it right now, you reach out for a reason and it always comes back the wrong way. I have seen slowly but surely that as time goes on you will not care. Read on here and see the stories about people who have tried to reach out....never works.
GreenPolicy Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 My ex waited three months after the b/u to retrieve her bike. Even though she handled the b/u extremely poorly and treated me like ****, my last words to her were "I just want to say...take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life."
Author babybear Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 So, I get a txt this morning about the lease of our old apartment (I was expecting that). But the text was long and included some different resources I could use to help me study for my exam. I KNOW I shouldn't have responded - but I honestly felt like he was on a different planet! Texting me like it was nothing. I said, why are you texting me that? He wrote back he thinks of me all the time, and wants to do more, but he doesn't call to respect my wishes that he not call me (WHAT?!?!). How does he not realize that initially his NOT calling led to me telling him I'd had enough? So I politely wrote back that if I was unclear, let me clarify - we are NOT in a relationship. No response. Yes, as you can see, I'm struggling with NC a bit! I'm hoping now he'll stop texting me. I NEVER initiate a convo, but when I get a bunch of txts - it's hard for me not to make a snide comment back. If I can't control myself, I'll just resort to blocking I guess!
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