missdependant Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 So this seems to happen every 6 months to a year in our relationship. We normally don't fight but when we finally do, it's big. This morning it was my day to sleep in (we have an 18 month old) and his turn to wake up early. So when she woke up, I let him know she was up. So he started throwing a fit and stomping around and going in and out of the room every 5 minutes. I got mad. So I told him to stop, that I really wanted to sleep in. Of course, he didn't listen and at that point I told him that one of the reasons I don't have sex with him is because he treats me like **** (which is true - maybe I would want sex with him if he was actually NICE to me and didn't pull this crap. I don't get anything out of sex anyway.) At that point he started storming around more pulled all of the covers off of me and threw all the pillows on me and told me I'm a stupid bitch and this and that. Then he left the room. I couldn't sleep after that for OBVIOUS reasons so I started playing with my phone. He came back in and started throwing **** around and calling me names. I went out to the living room to play with my daughter and then he followed me and by now I'm pissed. So I'm telling him he's stupid and then I told him to kill himself, no one will miss him. He's stupid and worthless and no one cares about him. Anyway, he got mad and started pulling my hair while my 18 month old daughter is sitting in my arms. So I tried to hit him in the face then he started throwing me around (again with my 18 month old in my arms) and he was spitting on me, so I spit on him back. Yeah. Really ugly fight. Anyway, I don't really know what to do. I wanted to call the cops, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because he talked me out of it. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm the only one who works right now and I know I could afford to live on my own, but then I'd have to pay for babysitting and a bunch of other expenses which scares me. And I doubt I'd get child support seeing as he's jobless. Well ****. I don't know what to do.I more emotionally abuse him and he phyusically abuses me. I agree with everything Cee has said. I have gone through my fair share of school, and a lot of it included psychology. I think the situation you are in is a lot more common than others might believe, which is the cycle of abuse and it is much more difficult for some to overcome than others. The very best thing you can do for yourself is get some more counseling, and if your man is dedicated enough he should also look into getting some counseling. There are many other places you can turn to for help; women's shelters, friends, family, etc. I have a 16 month old daughter so I definitely know the struggles that come along with it; you become much more emotional, you're sleep-deprived and your head isn't always on straight. Though our arguments never escalate to the degree that yours has, it is pertinent that you BOTH seek help for this. If worse comes to worst then you can leave him and not look back. And when I say both, I mean it. You both should be taking accountability for your actions. Psychologically, you will be doing damage to your child. Even if you don't want to, it will still hurt her in ways that you may not even be able to imagine. As Cee said, try to imagine her hair being pulled, or her being hit. If he is abusive toward your daughter already, then you do need to get out of there ASAP. Does he abuse your daughter or is this just something that goes on between each other?
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 So how about instead of blaming her and accusing her of not loving her daughter we begin to give her the keys to unlock herself from this situation. After all, she IS reaching out for help. Read my replies on page 1. That's exactly what I've been trying to do.
tinktronik Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Read my replies on page 1. That's exactly what I've been trying to do. I wasn't necessarily referring to you as being unhelpful but there is plenty of accusation couched as "just wanting to help" on this thread. To tell this woman who is being physically abused with her daughter in her arms and is reaching out for help that she does not love her daughter is just hateful.
missdependant Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 No it's not. It's a fair assessment of the situation. If he's physically abusing her and the child is exposed to that violence and she continues to make that exposure last, then she is indirectly complicit in the damage that will occur to the child. Because she can end it. It'll be tough, no doubt about it, but she can and only she. The child is helpless. I wouldn't say it's fair at all seeing some of the assumptions and jumping to conclusions here. She is self-centered and never thinks of her daughter? Really? That's one of the worst things you can say to a parent, especially one in such a sensitive situation. Several replies have been straight up rude and have obviously come from people with little to no experience on the subject.
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I wasn't necessarily referring to you as being unhelpful but there is plenty of accusation couched as "just wanting to help" on this thread. To tell this woman who is being physically abused with her daughter in her arms and is reaching out for help that she does not love her daughter is just hateful.No woman asks to be abused. I am in no way saying this. But this woman escalated the confrontation and put her daughter in danger by her response. And can't even see that. The husband was verbally abusive. She brings her daughter physically into the scene. She verbally and emotionally abuses him even going so far as to tell him to "kill himself" escalating an already volatile situation. All the while in front of her daughter. The man pulls her hair. She again escalates things by punching him in the face (while holding her daughter) They start spitting on each other (and presumably on their daughter since she is right there) She admits to emotionally abusing him. She won't call the cops or leave. All her reasons for staying have to do with HER - nothing about what this is doing to her daughter. The only mention I hear is that the daughter is too young to remember so it won't affect her. Which is BS of epic proportions. YES - she is abusing her daughter. And that isn't love. Sorry. Truth hurts.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I wouldn't say it's fair at all seeing some of the assumptions and jumping to conclusions here. She is self-centered and never thinks of her daughter? Really? That's one of the worst things you can say to a parent, especially one in such a sensitive situation. Several replies have been straight up rude and have obviously come from people with little to no experience on the subject. If there's a child involved then one needs to be direct. I don't think anyone's intention is to be rude. The intention is to get that child out of that situation. If the mother prolongs the exposure out of personal reasons, then perhaps some tough love is needed (towards the mother). Because like I mentioned before, the child is helpless and you can't just tread carefully on the mother's emotions if there's a risk of damage to the child.
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Well that was rude. For what its worth, I DID apoligize for that statement and being harsh. Guess you missed that. However, I stand by what I meant. The words might have been harsh but it was simple truth. I guess calling me a c unt was ok. It seems to follow her pattern of escalating anyway. Seriously though. I just want her to put her daughter first and it's mind boggling to me that she can't see what she's doing and makes up excuses such as "my daughter's too young to remember".
tinktronik Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) No woman asks to be abused. I am in no way saying this. But this woman escalated the confrontation and put her daughter in danger by her response. And can't even see that. The husband was verbally abusive. She brings her daughter physically into the scene. She verbally and emotionally abuses him even going so far as to tell him to "kill himself" escalating an already volatile situation. All the while in front of her daughter. The man pulls her hair. She again escalates things by punching him in the face (while holding her daughter) They start spitting on each other (and presumably on their daughter since she is right there) She admits to emotionally abusing him. She won't call the cops or leave. All her reasons for staying have to do with HER - nothing about what this is doing to her daughter. The only mention I hear is that the daughter is too young to remember so it won't affect her. Which is BS of epic proportions. YES - she is abusing her daughter. And that isn't love. Sorry. Truth hurts. The OP is clearly not making perfect decisions. She is in a very difficult situation. She may have escalated the situation by her words, but I will tell you, you can be darn sure that if someone has me by the hair, tossing me around I too will try to hit them to get them to let me go. That is a normal human reaction. The OP clearly states that she does not know what to do. So you insist on berating her? You told her you think she should leave, and she is trying to find a way to do so that will not leave her and her daughter in a precarious situation financially, probably homeless. You have NOT said that you have been in her situation, so you don't know how you would behave or what choices you would make. Don't berate the OP because she does not follow your advice whole hog. She is here reaching put and trying to figure out what to do. I would imagine that the last thing her and her daughter need is for you to berate the mother. IT IS NOT HELPFUL. And while some of what you say may be true, it is just petty hatefulness that you feel you needs-must say it at all. Edited January 23, 2011 by tinktronik
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 The OP is clearly not making perfect decisions. She is in a very difficult situation. She may have escalated the situation by her words, but I will tell you, you can be darn sure that if someone has me by the hair, tossing me around I too will try to hit them to get them to let me go. That is a normal human reaction. The OP clearly states that she does not know what to do. So you insist on berating her? You told her you think she should leave, and she is trying to find a way to do so that will not leave her and her daughter in a precarious situation financially, probably homeless. You have NOT said that you have been in her situation, so you don't know how you would behave or what choices you would make. Don't berate the OP because she does not follow your advice whole hog. She is here reaching put and trying to figure out what to do. I would imagine that the last thing her and her daughter need is for you to berate the mother. IT IS NOT HELPFUL. And while some of what you say may be true, it is just petty hatefulness. Uh...actually I did say I was once in a similar situation. She doesn't need sympathy or validation. She needs to toughen up and do right by her daughter. She's scared and I get that. I was scared too. But your children are more important than fears. With all the help available, there is no excuse for her to endanger her child. The excuse that her daughter is too young to remember anyway, tells alot about her. And its not good.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 She doesn't need sympathy or validation. She needs to toughen up and do right by her daughter. She's scared and I get that. I was scared too. But your children are more important than fears. With all the help available, there is no excuse for her to endanger her child. The excuse that her daughter is too young to remember anyway, tells alot about her. And its not good. You hit the nail on the head.
colliejoanie Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Please, oh please, oh please leave him! It doesn't matter that it only happens every so often. IT HAPPENS! And there's a child involved. You are teaching this child how to act and react to situations. Is this how you want your child behaving?????? I was in EXACTLY the same situation. This post gave me goose bumbs. However, when my child was 9 months old, and my ex and I were in another fight like yours, I left. There is NO WAY I will let her know the type of immature abuse that was going on in that house. She's now almost 3. And she will NEVER know that is how her mother and father acted. She will NEVER know that physically or emotionally abusing someone was once a part of our lives. It makes me sick to think back to the kind of life we were living. Please, for your child's sake......get out of this situation, and find out what you need to fix within yourself so this does not happen again with someone else.
tinktronik Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Uh...actually I did say I was once in a similar situation. She doesn't need sympathy or validation. She needs to toughen up and do right by her daughter. She's scared and I get that. I was scared too. But your children are more important than fears. With all the help available, there is no excuse for her to endanger her child. The excuse that her daughter is too young to remember anyway, tells alot about her. And its not good. I don't want to derail this thread. You stated that you married an alcoholic. An alcoholic husband and one that beats you are very different things. If your alcoholic husband beat you and you did not mention it or I misread you have my apologies. There is NOT a lot of support in a lot of areas for abused women. At most, good women's shelters will usually offer 6 weeks tops as a place to live and get your life in order; and that's only if they have the space available. 6 weeks is a very sort amount of time to arrange a whole new life. There is the option of calling the police and the OP did not initially sate she would not, she asked what to do about allegations from her H stating she hit him first; another poster gave very salient advice on how to handle that. I hope she takes the advice and records the next confrontation with her spouse, calls the police, ect. It is not a simple process to get a restraining order and really depends on the disposition of whatever magistrate or judge she ends up in front of. The OP is asking the right questions and it is important that she feels comfortable enough to be honest and not be run out on a rail so she can get the answers she needs, and ones that will be helpful. But making your own allegations against her under the guise of "tough love" seems to have a lot more to do with the "I'm a better mother than you" mindset. Perhaps your own introspections are in order? OP I would again suggest that you do have some options available: 1) Seek out social services and ask for emergency help to get away from your spouse and daycare help. 2) Call the police and try to initiate a restraining order. 3) Reach out to family and friends for support or advice on what to do as well as any resources they may have to help you at this time.
colliejoanie Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Also, I wanted to say that I know all too well how hard it is to leave. My ex and I had a business together. All of the vehicles, the house, the business was all in his name. I literally left with NOTHING. My family drove 600 miles to come get my daughter and I . I had to start over in a tiny, disgusting town, with absolutely nothing. It's been two years, and its been a tough two years, but I am absolutely confident in my decision. And in the way I'm raising my daughter. Because it really is ALL ABOUT HER! OP, if you need any help, or if I can offer the tiniest bit of advice, please let me know. I haven't got it all figured out, by any means, but I'm setting an example for my daughter that I'm very proud of.
tinktronik Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 We went to a few counseling sessions last year and they were nice and went well. But we only got five sessions through my work's employee assistance program, otherwise the therapist we saw would be $200 and I wouldn't just want to go to some quack with a psychology degree. So once that was done, I went through 12 weeks of counseling through my insurance, but that only covered sessions for myself because he's not insured (just me and daughter are.) These days, I'm only going to one counseling group a week but that is for sexual assault. We talk about these types of issues, but it's not specifically for this issue. I honestly feel that HE needs to go to counseling, but he seems so closed to going alone. I know I need to leave him, I just can't figure out how. I couldn't call the cops today and I feel ****ty about that, but it's like I weigh the pros and cons and I always feel like keeping my house and my job and having at least a steady home for my daughter is better. I might look into more counseling, thank you for the non-judgmental advice. OP, it is common for christian programs to offer domestic violence and mental health counseling free of charge or on a sliding scale so that it CAN be an option if this is the path you want to take. Your county mental health department will have a list of places you can contact to try to find help. You don't have to be a Christian to utilize these services. Reach out.
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I don't want to derail this thread. You stated that you married an alcoholic. An alcoholic husband and one that beats you are very different things. If your alcoholic husband beat you and you did not mention it or I misread you have my apologies. There is NOT a lot of support in a lot of areas for abused women. At most, good women's shelters will usually offer 6 weeks tops as a place to live and get your life in order; and that's only if they have the space available. 6 weeks is a very sort amount of time to arrange a whole new life. There is the option of calling the police and the OP did not initially sate she would not, she asked what to do about allegations from her H stating she hit him first; another poster gave very salient advice on how to handle that. I hope she takes the advice and records the next confrontation with her spouse, calls the police, ect. It is not a simple process to get a restraining order and really depends on the disposition of whatever magistrate or judge she ends up in front of. The OP is asking the right questions and it is important that she feels comfortable enough to be honest and not be run out on a rail so she can get the answers she needs, and ones that will be helpful. But making your own allegations against her under the guise of "tough love" seems to have a lot more to do with the "I'm a better mother than you" mindset. Perhaps your own introspections are in order? OP I would again suggest that you do have some options available: 1) Seek out social services and ask for emergency help to get away from your spouse and daycare help. 2) Call the police and try to initiate a restraining order. 3) Reach out to family and friends for support or advice on what to do as well as any resources they may have to help you at this time.Now that is just hilarious! And a pretty weak way to try and undermine my posts, but the important thing here IS HER DAUGHTER. I can't stress that enough. Please keep the priorities straight. This isn't even remotely about me.
Seaofclouds Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 mountainlover, you have a repeating pattern of abuse. Since you said you are the one that is financially stable and you are the one paying for everything, kick him out. If his name is on the house as well, you may need to go through the police to have this done. I understand that you don't really want to do this, but abuse tends to escalate and get worse and worse every time. If you decide you want to work on the relationship, counseling may help, but for the time being, having him away from you and your daughter where he can't hurt either of you is best. As far as your comment about no one loving you because you have a kid. Having a kid does not mean you will never meet someone else, it means you have an automatic filter to help get rid of the guys that aren't worth your time. If they can't accept you have a child, they don't deserve you. Plain and simple. I was a single mother for 5 years. I know it's hard and it seems daunting, but it's better than being in an abusive relationship. I'm now happily remarried to someone that treats me 100 times better than my ex-husband ever did. It can happen, but it won't if you stay with someone that continues to abuse you. Good luck!
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Also, I wanted to say that I know all too well how hard it is to leave. My ex and I had a business together. All of the vehicles, the house, the business was all in his name. I literally left with NOTHING. My family drove 600 miles to come get my daughter and I . I had to start over in a tiny, disgusting town, with absolutely nothing. It's been two years, and its been a tough two years, but I am absolutely confident in my decision. And in the way I'm raising my daughter. Because it really is ALL ABOUT HER! OP, if you need any help, or if I can offer the tiniest bit of advice, please let me know. I haven't got it all figured out, by any means, but I'm setting an example for my daughter that I'm very proud of. This was very similar to my experience. I was left with nothing and my family also had to drive a long distance to get me. I was very fortunate to have their support. Things got better for me about 3 years in. I wish the very best for you and your daughter and you have my respect.
Author mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) OP, it is common for christian programs to offer domestic violence and mental health counseling free of charge or on a sliding scale so that it CAN be an option if this is the path you want to take. Your county mental health department will have a list of places you can contact to try to find help. You don't have to be a Christian to utilize these services. Reach out. I appreciate you being polite. I talked to him earlier while I was not on the computer and it went well. He will be going to counseling through a program at the university he goes to and I'm going to ask the leader of the sexual assault group if she knows anyone who can help me with some more counseling. I would like to make it clear that we get into huge ARGUMENTS once a year, maybe twice. The physical violence is something new and it was a first for both of us. When we get into arguments, there is usually a lot of screaming and yelling and name-calling and verbal abuse, but that only happened one other time since my daughter was born (we have been together for ten years) and she wasn't even awake for that fight. Every other time was from before she was even born. My daughter has never, EVER been hit or spanked or popped or kicked or anything like that by either me or her father (we practice attachment-parenting) and has never been abused either emotionally or physically. So please stop claiming that I am an abuser. I'm NOT an abuser. We got into a fight and it got out of hand. Her father and I fight yes, but I don't know any couples who are just smitten with each other for a decade's worth of a relationship, and never argue, never bicker or fight or call each other names. The physical violence is something new to both of us. We BOTH love our daughter even if we aren't getting along the best. I didn't take the time to read any rude comments but I do appreciate your feedback! Edited January 23, 2011 by mountainlover
Author mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I guess calling me a c unt was ok." I call them like I see them. No need to cry about it.
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I call them like I see them. No need to cry about it. This from the girl who had a hissy over me telling her she was self-centered for not thinking of her daughter. OK, it's clear to me at this point that you are here to be validated and be stroked. Not going to get it from me, so no point in me posting further. I sincerely wish the best for your daughter.
tinktronik Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I appreciate you being polite. I talked to him earlier while I was not on the computer and it went well. He will be going to counseling through a program at the university he goes to and I'm going to ask the leader of the sexual assault group if she knows anyone who can help me with some more counseling. I would like to make it clear that we get into huge ARGUMENTS once a year, maybe twice. The physical violence is something new and it was a first for both of us. When we get into arguments, there is usually a lot of screaming and yelling and name-calling and verbal abuse, but that only happened one other time since my daughter was born (we have been together for ten years) and she wasn't even awake for that fight. Every other time was from before she was even born. My daughter has never, EVER been hit or spanked or popped or kicked or anything like that by either me or her father (we practice attachment-parenting) and has never been abused either emotionally or physically. So please stop claiming that I am an abuser. I'm NOT an abuser. We got into a fight and it got out of hand. Her father and I fight yes, but I don't know any couples who are just smitten with each other for a decade's worth of a relationship, and never argue, never bicker or fight or call each other names. The physical violence is something new to both of us. We BOTH love our daughter even if we aren't getting along the best. I didn't take the time to read any rude comments but I do appreciate your feedback! Mountain, it's great that you are taking a proactive step to get yourself and your husband help. But let me ask, what is your plan B if he won't follow through? It's okay if you don't have this fully thought through right this minute, as you are just now formulating a plan. Make sure you have a firm plan in mind and a back-up in case things get out of hand again. Keep yourself and your daughter safe.
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