mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 So this seems to happen every 6 months to a year in our relationship. We normally don't fight but when we finally do, it's big. This morning it was my day to sleep in (we have an 18 month old) and his turn to wake up early. So when she woke up, I let him know she was up. So he started throwing a fit and stomping around and going in and out of the room every 5 minutes. I got mad. So I told him to stop, that I really wanted to sleep in. Of course, he didn't listen and at that point I told him that one of the reasons I don't have sex with him is because he treats me like **** (which is true - maybe I would want sex with him if he was actually NICE to me and didn't pull this crap. I don't get anything out of sex anyway.) At that point he started storming around more pulled all of the covers off of me and threw all the pillows on me and told me I'm a stupid bitch and this and that. Then he left the room. I couldn't sleep after that for OBVIOUS reasons so I started playing with my phone. He came back in and started throwing **** around and calling me names. I went out to the living room to play with my daughter and then he followed me and by now I'm pissed. So I'm telling him he's stupid and then I told him to kill himself, no one will miss him. He's stupid and worthless and no one cares about him. Anyway, he got mad and started pulling my hair while my 18 month old daughter is sitting in my arms. So I tried to hit him in the face then he started throwing me around (again with my 18 month old in my arms) and he was spitting on me, so I spit on him back. Yeah. Really ugly fight. Anyway, I don't really know what to do. I wanted to call the cops, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because he talked me out of it. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm the only one who works right now and I know I could afford to live on my own, but then I'd have to pay for babysitting and a bunch of other expenses which scares me. And I doubt I'd get child support seeing as he's jobless. Well ****. I don't know what to do.I more emotionally abuse him and he phyusically abuses me.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) Does this happen more often? Is there a pattern here? Is this a repeating thing? If so leave. LEAVE! The f*ck with it that he talked you out of it. It's not only your decision. You have a child. This WILL be damaging to your child. Period. Find a women's shelter if you have nowhere to go. Get financially independent and raise your kid on your own if you have to. Him daring to abuse you? Even while you are holding your baby? F*ck him. Edited January 23, 2011 by Nexus One
Author mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Does this happen more often? Is there a pattern here? Is this a repeating thing? If so leave. LEAVE! The f*ck with it that he talked you out of it. It's not only your decision. You have a child. This WILL be damaging to your child. Period. Find a women's shelter if you have nowhere to go. Get financially independent and raise your kid on your own if you have to. Him daring to abuse you? Even while you are holding your baby? F*ck him. No it only happens like once a year. I have the number to a women's shelter saved in my phone (I feel tempted to call them during vocal altercations) but again, I can't bring myself to call them. I have worked so hard to get this house, this life. And I would have to lose it all if I went to a shelter. I already AM financially independent if you didn't see it above. I am the only one with a job but still afraid to leave because I wouldn't have babysitting and without babysitting I can't work or anything and I wouldn't get any financial support from him because he is unemployed. I worked my ass off to get this house. I am feeling pretty fed up with how things are. I just feel trapped. I guess it's hard to try and explain what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. Also, I hit him back so he said he will tell the cops that I hit him first since I technically WAS the one who hit him first (he started by pulling my hair.) I feel like if I were to go my own way no one would love me because I'm a mom and I would never find another man who cares about me at all. I don't feel like men like women who are mothers or don't like their children. I just feel stuck.
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 You are BOTH abusing your daughter. Quit being so self centered and think about her for once.
Cee Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Even though the blow ups happen once a year, there is an ongoing problem between the two of you. Also, there is an unhealthy pattern to dealing with conflict and frustration - emotional and physical violence. I suggest that you both seek counseling. You can discuss things with a therapist individually and also have joint sessions. A professional third party might help you identify the source of frustration and hopelessness in your relationship. The act of finding a counselor, dragging yourself and your baby there, and paying money is a sign of commitment to change. One step is all you need to do to start the journey. Please, don't talk yourself out of doing something about this. If you don't do anything, the next physical fight is bound to happen. Perhaps, you can call a close friend to be your "buddy." That friend will hold you accountable to following through with your commitments. I know that I make all sorts of promises to myself, only to break them the next day.
Author mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 You are BOTH abusing your daughter. Quit being so self centered and think about her for once. You say that like you know the whole situation when you don't. I love my daughter more than anything. Don't be a c unt.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 No it only happens like once a year. I have the number to a women's shelter saved in my phone (I feel tempted to call them during vocal altercations) but again, I can't bring myself to call them. I have worked so hard to get this house, this life. And I would have to lose it all if I went to a shelter. I already AM financially independent if you didn't see it above. I am the only one with a job but still afraid to leave because I wouldn't have babysitting and without babysitting I can't work or anything and I wouldn't get any financial support from him because he is unemployed. I worked my ass off to get this house. I am feeling pretty fed up with how things are. I just feel trapped. I guess it's hard to try and explain what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. Also, I hit him back so he said he will tell the cops that I hit him first since I technically WAS the one who hit him first (he started by pulling my hair.) I feel like if I were to go my own way no one would love me because I'm a mom and I would never find another man who cares about me at all. I don't feel like men like women who are mothers or don't like their children. I just feel stuck. This is my opinion about it: Then he needs to get out of your life. Step 1. If you have a smart phone, put it in your pocket during a fight. Set it to record audio. If he lies to the police, then let them listen to the recording where he mentions he'll lie to the police. Don't let your man know you've been doing this. If the cops aren't helpful they'll refuse to listen to it. In that case you will have blown your cover and your man will know what you did, possibly enraging him even more. So you need to ask a cop if you can talk alone to him. Pick a cop that looks trustworthy and soft of character. Step 2. If he gets arrested, push it all the way to the court and GET A RESTRAINING ORDER. Step 3. Watch your back. Step 4. This one is optional, but you don't want to live in fear. He knows where you live and work. What you can do if he becomes a problem is move. I know that's tough, but your safety and the safety of your child are number 1. Material possessions are just that, material possessions. Realize this. He says he intends to lie to the police. That's messed up even beyond the situation of abuse.
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I feel like if I were to go my own way no one would love me because I'm a mom and I would never find another man who cares about me at all. I don't feel like men like women who are mothers or don't like their children. I just feel stuck. That's such a cop out. Many women do it. I had an alcoholic for my first husband. It was terrifying to leave, so I get that. But no way was I going to put my 3 month old son through it. I had 3 years afterward where life pretty much sucked. But I found a man who loved my son just as much as he loved me. It was worth every bit of struggle and fear to get a better life for both of us. Think of your daughter and what will happen to her if you stay. Sorry for being harsh before, but I have zero tolerance for people subject their kids to abuse.
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 You say that like you know the whole situation when you don't. I love my daughter more than anything. Don't be a c unt. If you loved her you wouldn't put her through that. At the very least you would have put her in another room before engaging in a physical fight. I wonder if you will still be professing your love as you take her to the hospital when she "accidentally" gets caught in the crossfire.
Author mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Even though the blow ups happen once a year, there is an ongoing problem between the two of you. Also, there is an unhealthy pattern to dealing with conflict and frustration - emotional and physical violence. I suggest that you both seek counseling. You can discuss things with a therapist individually and also have joint sessions. A professional third party might help you identify the source of frustration and hopelessness in your relationship. The act of finding a counselor, dragging yourself and your baby there, and paying money is a sign of commitment to change. One step is all you need to do to start the journey. Please, don't talk yourself out of doing something about this. If you don't do anything, the next physical fight is bound to happen. Perhaps, you can call a close friend to be your "buddy." That friend will hold you accountable to following through with your commitments. I know that I make all sorts of promises to myself, only to break them the next day. We went to a few counseling sessions last year and they were nice and went well. But we only got five sessions through my work's employee assistance program, otherwise the therapist we saw would be $200 and I wouldn't just want to go to some quack with a psychology degree. So once that was done, I went through 12 weeks of counseling through my insurance, but that only covered sessions for myself because he's not insured (just me and daughter are.) These days, I'm only going to one counseling group a week but that is for sexual assault. We talk about these types of issues, but it's not specifically for this issue. I honestly feel that HE needs to go to counseling, but he seems so closed to going alone. I know I need to leave him, I just can't figure out how. I couldn't call the cops today and I feel ****ty about that, but it's like I weigh the pros and cons and I always feel like keeping my house and my job and having at least a steady home for my daughter is better. I might look into more counseling, thank you for the non-judgmental advice.
SmileFace Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 You say that like you know the whole situation when you don't. I love my daughter more than anything. Don't be a c unt. How is she a cunt? The behavior you and your husband are exhibiting is absolutely disgusting. This is no longer about you and him. You both have a child. You have to think about her. This may be a little speed bump for you and him but this is huge for your daughter and it is technical abuse for her to grow up in this type of living situation. So please get over yourself. You may love your daughter. I don't think anyone is saying different but please think how this continuing will affect her.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 You say that like you know the whole situation when you don't. I love my daughter more than anything. Don't be a c unt. Jazzari is right. If you expose your child to violence and it's violence against her mother at that, then she will ge psychologically damaged. This is a fact. I feel like if I were to go my own way no one would love me because I'm a mom and I would never find another man who cares about me at all. I don't feel like men like women who are mothers or don't like their children. I just feel stuck. I don't even know what to say about that except this. Child = #1.
Author mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 That's such a cop out. Many women do it. I had an alcoholic for my first husband. It was terrifying to leave, so I get that. But no way was I going to put my 3 month old son through it. I had 3 years afterward where life pretty much sucked. But I found a man who loved my son just as much as he loved me. It was worth every bit of struggle and fear to get a better life for both of us. Think of your daughter and what will happen to her if you stay. Sorry for being harsh before, but I have zero tolerance for people subject their kids to abuse. Well I trump you for being so perfect.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Well I trump you for being so perfect. I get the feeling you don't want help. You just want him to change. He will not, especially not after having mutual counseling. It's a pipe dream. You're hoping for something that will not happen. If you keep exposing your child to this you could push it to a point of no return. You have a window of opportunity now while she's very young. That window of opportunity will pass once permanent damage has been done.
Author mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I get the feeling you don't want help. You just want him to change. He will not, especially not after having mutual counseling. It's a pipe dream. You're hoping for something that will not happen. If you keep exposing your child to this you could push it to a point of no return. You have a window of opportunity now while she's very young. That window of opportunity will pass once permanent damage has been done. Actually I got the advice that I wanted and it was from someone who wasn't being a judgey douche bag, internet-tough-guy about it. Counseling. She's 18 months old and she isn't going to remember any of this. And yes, I took your advice about the smart phone and plan on doing that. But fights don't even happen often in this house.
oaks Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 So this seems to happen every 6 months to a year in our relationship. We normally don't fight but when we finally do, it's big. I'm not sure if it's your fault or his fault or the fault of both or neither of you (and in the nicest way, I don't really care who is at fault), but if you can't resolve this together then you really should leave him for the sake of your child as well as yourself.
Cee Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Mountainlover- It is extremely hard to leave someone, but the power is completely in your hands. If your house caught on fire, you would have no problem picking your baby up and fleeing the house. You are psychologically stuck in that home. You think that your job and home are security, but with the underlying abuse, all of that will crumble in time. There is help available for you that doesn't cost a dime. There are crisis centers and 12 step programs that have free services. I suggest you call a hotline or go to web sites for victims of domestic violence. Al Anon is a very good 12 step program. And there are many others. If you can't do this for the love of yourself, look at your daughter. Imagine her being in an abusive relationship. Imagine her pretty hair being pulled and being spat on. This will be her future if she grows up in an abusive home. To get well, you must take the first step. Make a call. Get your finances in order. Make arrangements for a safe place to live. You don't have to tell your boyfriend you are leaving him forever. Tell him you need a few weeks to sort out your problems. Then quietly cut him out of your life and get help for your emotional problems. Your house is burning mountainlover. Do something.
Jazzari Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Well I trump you for being so perfect. You're still thinking of yourself and how all this relates to YOU. I'm not perfect. Hell, I wouldn't have married my first husband if I was. But I did put my son first and correct that mistake. All I'm asking is that you put your daughter first and start thinking about what this is doing to her. And then do whatever it takes to fix it. Your husband physically abuses you. You physically fight back without regard to your child. You emotionally abuse your husband. I wonder how you both will treat your child as she grows older and she is caught between you. Will he hit her out of frustration or because she stood up to him or tried to stop him from hitting you? Will you emotionally abuse her because she takes his side? What will her emotional health be like? How will she compensate? Will she continue the cycle in her own relationships? Please consider her and what her life will be like if you stay.
Author mountainlover Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 You're still thinking of yourself and how all this relates to YOU. I'm not perfect. Hell, I wouldn't have married my first husband if I was. But I did put my son first and correct that mistake. All I'm asking is that you put your daughter first and start thinking about what this is doing to her. And then do whatever it takes to fix it. Your husband physically abuses you. You physically fight back without regard to your child. You emotionally abuse your husband. I wonder how you both will treat your child as she grows older and she is caught between you. Will he hit her out of frustration or because she stood up to him or tried to stop him from hitting you? Will you emotionally abuse her because she takes his side? What will her emotional health be like? How will she compensate? Will she continue the cycle in her own relationships? Please consider her and what her life will be like if you stay. Well I guess you typed all that out for nothing because I didn't read that. Yay. Go you. Have fun feeling like ultimate perfection in life!
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Actually I got the advice that I wanted and it was from someone who wasn't being a judgey douche bag, internet-tough-guy about it. Normally I would have stopped trying to help you out right at this point, because I'm not going to push people who don't want help. But in this case there's a child involved. For goodness sake, find the love in your heart and put your safety and that of the child first.
missdependant Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 You are BOTH abusing your daughter. Quit being so self centered and think about her for once. Well that was rude.
tinktronik Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 OP wait until your H hits you again, don't hit him back. Call the police, have him arrested. Get a restraining order to keep him out of your home. Social services will likely show up to check on you and your child. There is emergency daycare services (sometimes free for a time) for women who work in your situation who have an abusive spouse to give them some time to stabilize and work out their own daycare. Good luck.
Nexus One Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Well that was rude. No it's not. It's a fair assessment of the situation. If he's physically abusing her and the child is exposed to that violence and she continues to make that exposure last, then she is indirectly complicit in the damage that will occur to the child. Because she can end it. It'll be tough, no doubt about it, but she can and only she. The child is helpless.
tinktronik Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 If you loved her you wouldn't put her through that. At the very least you would have put her in another room before engaging in a physical fight. I wonder if you will still be professing your love as you take her to the hospital when she "accidentally" gets caught in the crossfire. You're being really heavy handed here. To expect this woman to somehow magically know another human being is going to attack her and at what moment is absurd. Not helpful, just blaming.
tinktronik Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 No it's not. It's a fair assessment of the situation. If he's physically abusing her and the child is exposed to that violence and she continues to make that exposure last, then she is indirectly complicit in the damage that will occur to the child. Because she can end it. It'll be tough, no doubt about it, but she can and only she. The child is helpless. So how about instead of blaming her and accusing her of not loving her daughter we begin to give her the keys to unlock herself from this situation. After all, she IS reaching out for help.
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