Jamone Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Hello LS Me again!! I need some help in coping with this ridiculous situation that i've found myself in. I separated from my wife last month (after a long time of problems) but her behaviour is driving me nuts and i can't afford to move out. I went through the normal roller coaster of different emotions last month and went to the docs who assured me i'm not crazy and don't need to be sectioned. Now that we're separated but living in the same house, nearly everything winds me up. Almost immediately she started going out and sleeping out, and started dressing up and wearing high heels (which she often claimed to hate in the past). She's messed up the finances and doesn't seem to care, doesn't cook for me anymore..which is fine. All she seems interested in now is going out with her 'friends'. I try and stay out for as long as possible in the evenings before coming home to avoid seeing her for an extended period of time, and also because i'm not comfortable at home anymore. I don't want to be here but i can't leave because i can't afford to. Does anyone have any coping strategies? Sorry if i was a bit vague but i don't want to ramble on too much. Thanks.
2010_Sorry Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Wow... what a tough situation! My heart goes out to you!! Sounds like she is acting this way intentionally to hurt you. Can SHE leave?
Charles067 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 If she's not in title to the house along with you, you're perfectly within your rights to ask her to leave. If not, of course it's more complicated. I'm going through kind of the same thing with my wife who asked to divorce me in Nov, but the problem for us is we have kids and we both own the house & we're underwater on our mortgage. The best advice I've heard as far as simply living with your spouse while in the midst of separating is: 1) Pay no attention (or as little as possible) to what she's doing, and focus on yourself and the good things you have going on. Hang out with friends more, join a support/discussion group for other guys going through the same situation, etc. 2) Act like nothing about what she's doing is bothering you. Someone else on this board said even if it is bugging you, "fake it till you make it." It may seem forced at first, but if you combine #1 with #2 then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 3) Part of following the above, is not taking the bait if she tries to start an argument. Also for yourself, don't start any. It's completely not worth it. 4) Is the house big enough where you feel you can get away from her? Or is the problem partially that you're in tight living quarters? Ultimately, if you can't get her out of the house, you need to develop an exit strategy of some kind. I'm not sure what that would mean for you especially if you have limited financial resources. Could you open a credit card to help you in case there are potential legal fees coming up? Does she want to stay in the house & pay for the mortgage long-term? Are you wanting to stay there, or if you're going to be the one to move, maybe start pricing rentals in your desired neighborhood or look into buying a new home if you can get off the hook of your current mortgage. It sounds like she's taking the low road out of this relationship and is probably acting out and overcompensating for going out a whole bunch and sleeping around. That's gotta be a little painful to you even if you're the one who initiated the separation, but a lot of this is coming from her own confusion about how to cope with this situation and a little bit of vindictive getting-back-at-you behavior also seems to be going on. My own situation totally sucks, but I've been able to make it much more manageable by following some of the above things I mentioned. Taking the high road, not getting into arguments, and focusing on ME are all things I've found very helpful. Honestly, your wife here doesn't matter anymore and you shouldn't treat her as any kind of priority except in figuring out how to get her out of your life once and for all. In the meantime, you may still have to live with her, but at least you'd have light at the end of the tunnel.
robf1971 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I don't want to be here but i can't leave because i can't afford to. . Dude, you are acting weak and she is using you as a doormat. The fact is she has lost all respect for you. If there is no respect she cannot love you. She is the one who wants to end the marriage, and have single fun, so she should be the one to leave. You talking about leaving is weak and unnatractive to her, you need to man up . You need to have a calm controlled conversation without you acting like a jerk. eg "Wife, this isn't a healthy way to live, I get it now you don't want to be with me anymore, in fact I feel the same way as you and don't want to be with you either. I've brought some boxes home for you to pack your things, in fact I'll even help you move out and find a place and give you 2 weeks" Then start packing for her and put the boxes in the garage. Do not finance any of this. She has no money? Tough sh*t, big girls panties, get a job like everone else on the planet. You then need to drop her like a bad habit, do not respond to texts, phone calls or emails, (unless about kids). Let her go man!! you then get out, meet new friends start enjoying your life. If she coms back to you.. Great!! If not, well she was never worth it in the first place..
robf1971 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Can SHE leave? She wants out, SHE should leave, not the OP
Author Jamone Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks for the responses. In response to a couple of questions, We have a daughter together plus a stepson. It's bad enough for them to deal with the split as well as uprooting home, so i'm going to leave. If she screws things up financially, which it seems she will do, i'll take my girl. I took quite a big pay cut when i changed jobs to be home more and i spent all my saving bailing her out of the financial mess she was in. Did it because i loved her and i was committed for life...that was the intention anyway. Now, can't find a new job but i'm still looking. Not enough savings to jump ship, and some expenses are tied to the house. Will she leave? I hope and pray every day that she'll tell me she's found some new idiot you'll put up with her sh*t and she's moving out! Realistically, she wants to stay put. We live in a very good, safe and respectable area. I think she probably gets off telling people where we live. We can be apart from each other in the house but i hate playing the avoiding game. We naturally seem to repel each other anyway. I've already started looking for new places and have a figure working towards. It's damn difficult to save when expenses, bills, and kids are in your wallet! I'm stuck for another good few months i reckon and i can't shack up with anyone, friends wise. Charles i'll try and follow the guidelines you mentioned and let you know how i get on. Anyone else is having a "what i would do if i win the lottery" thought?
MrCaveman Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Hey OP I feel for situation...that must be very difficult! I however agree with most of these other posters, I think you should either ask her to move or try to live as seperate lives as possible. Good Luck!
debtman Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Jamone, That's a tough situation you're in. I was living with my stbx for a month after she told me the marriage was over and she was dating OM at the time. I ended up moving in with my parents (nothing like being 40 and moving back in with your folks...lol) until she can find a house in the school district. She was going to have the OM move in with her (in our marital home, which will be mine after she moves out) to see if they were compatible to live together so that they could look into buying a home together, but I think that fell apart and I'm glad because I didn't want him living there, it's bad enough with him being over there all the time and hearing about it from the neighbors. Do you have any friends you could move in with for a while? Family? I'd recommend getting out of there asap as it's only going to make things harder, for both of you and the kids, and, it's going to be impossible for you to start moving on emotionally while she's constantly in your face whenever you go home. You need to get out, get NC and start healing. Being single is a lot more fun than I remember and the time I spend with my kids now (while much less than it was before), is ALL quality time and we play lots more and enjoy ourselves. I'm happier and less stressed (other than finances, which look like they'll work out as long as I cut back significantly for the next year or so until I'm out of debt) than I've been in years. It sucks living in my parents guest room, but that's temporary and, once I'm back in the house, I'm looking forward to where I'll be, the future and all the possibilities. Keep reminding yourself that this is a TEMPORARY SITUATION. Probably the worst situation you've ever been in, but it will get better...start making moves to make changes... good luck and keep posting!
MrsDamaged Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I don't have advice , I'm going through the same thing were H wants a Divorce and we have been together for 24 years , 6 kids and 1 grandbaby later. I'm staying in our home cause I can't afford to move out. I have to wait for him to be able to afford for me to move out and when he is ready for me to leave.
carhill Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Does anyone have any coping strategies? Sure. Make sure the fire insurance is paid up. File for divorce. Have her served the same day as when the realtor puts the 'for sale' sign up in front of the house. Say nothing. Don't leave. Care less. Lie as necessary. Hug the kids.
robf1971 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 ! I'm stuck for another good few months i reckon and i can't shack up with anyone, friends wise. QUOTE] Pack her sh*t up in boxes. She can earn money and pay rent like everyone else.
Questionis Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 My friend is in the same situation, if you didn't have the kids, I would say don't pay the cable, internet or gas bills. Get some oil heaters for your room. In the summer, don't pay the electricity bill. This has the double bonus of annoying her and getting you enough savings to leave faster. I would also take out the hall lamp, leave stuff on the stairs eg plastic bags. She is sure to take a tumble in the dark in those high heels. No seriously, just try having a talk with her. Work out if she is trying to punish you with her behaviour or if she is just stupid and can't see how her behaviour affects you. Based on what you learn, massage her ego or educate her.It's dirty and disgusting but do it till you can get yourself out of there. I'm sure it will only take you a few months. Also can you sell the house? If its a such a nice area, you may be able to get somewhere smaller in the same area or something smaller in not so nice area and use the savings to move out.
Author Jamone Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 thanks for the support people. I've decided i'm going to tell her that i'm gonna stop paying some bills so i can save some money. Otherwise i'll be stuck there putting up with her sh*t and won't get a chance to heal and move on. I also think that this decision will put some fire under her ass to make her realise what she'll have to face when i'm gone. I haven't got any friends who can put me up and family are 100s of miles away so not an option. In the meantime the saga continues. I'll keep you posted on any changes and thanks again for the support and making me think outside the box. Just a niggling question? My friends think she's seeing someone even though she's denied it. Is there an explanation for this irrational behaviour or is it that she's throwing it in my face?
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Let's assume she's f*cking the entire firehouse. How does that change things? You didn't get to be a married person with two kids by being a wimp. Women aren't attracted to wimps. So, use the same strengths which attracted your W to you in the first place to move forward. Regardless of the outcome, your health will be undeniable.
Owl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Actually, it might be useful to find out that she is seeing someone else. What you need to do is to make staying at the house/being around your friends/neighbors/family so uncomfortable for her that she chooses to leave. Discovering that she's cheating, then exposing it to all the above may well be the key to accomplishing that. She'll either leave, or she'll stop cheating and decide to reconcile. Either of which could meet your goals. I say get the goods, and go on the offensive. Also...I've found out that some states may have laws to assist in having the other spouse evicted if you're the one who files for divorce first...check into your own state laws.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 OP, whose name(s) are on the mortgage and home title? A plan B just came to mind, similar to the one my lawyer hatched up. Also, to clarify, do you want to recover the marriage?
Author Jamone Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Sorry i took so long to get back to you guys. Been busy with work and trying to find a new job. Title's in her name because of some complications with the agreement when we got it but we both pay the mortgage. Everything else i pay, taxes, utilities, loans, etc. As for the situation, there's no change. She's still going out on saturday afternoons and not coming home til sunday night...she did it last wknd as well. She asked me 2 weeks if i wanted to go to MC. I don't want to because her behaviour is not showing me that she wants any form of reconciliation. Anyway, i said yes just for the sake of it. She said she'll look into it and get back to me...still waiting. In the meantime, she's taken out another credit card but still moans she has no money. Good luck to her! I have taken the advice given to me from you guys and i now pretend that nothing bothers me and i just carry on as usual and be polite. I don't know if it's working. Anyway, thanks for reading and i'll update you guys as it happens.
Author Jamone Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 P.S. i asked her again if she's seeing someone and she said no. I know it's probably irrelevant whether or not she is but i'd rather know.
SoMovinOn Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I'm in the same situation. We established ground rules (such as; No bring dates to the house), and figured out what we are ok discussing with each other or not. No matter what, there are times that are weird and awkward. It probably helps that she works mostly nights and weekends and I work days - it limits our time here together. We get along well enough that when we are together, we sometimes do things together - even go out on a "date". If it bothers you to be home, why not take the opportunity to make some extra money - get a part time job in the evening. As for coping or dealing... I just let her go (mentally). Sounds like you haven't done that. Once I did, I really didn't care what she did.
Lucky_One Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 I'm confused. From reading, it appears that both of you have been unhappy but that YOU are the one who asked for a separation. And now that you have one, you are unhappy that she is going out. You also said that you make about the same salary. So why the posts here saying that you should pack her stuff up and make her move out? Weren't you the one who pressed for the separation?
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