mmiller5373 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Just wondering why a woman would leave a perfectly good relationship with a good man (who treated her awesome and respectfully for 2 1/2 years) for a d-bag who doesn't give a crap about anyone else but himself. Yeah, I dated her for 2.5 years and she was a virgin. Never forced her into anything even though it was tough on my end. Then BAM, she ups and leaves and lies about her reasons. It's been 5 months since she left and I just found out she's 2 months pregnant and is marrying this guy, who is not a nice guy. She's totally infatuated with him and loves him. The family doesn't even trust him and they just found out that he's lying about where he works. He disappears for hours and says he's at work, even though he's not at work. He's obviously cheating on her, I just don't understand why she would leave me for this guy who basically just used her for sex. I just found out about this stuff 2 days ago from her brother-in-law. They are all in shock about it and the last thing he heard was that the guy ducked out of the wedding.
january2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Why do some women love to be treated like trash by jerks??? Corrected it for you. Your ex made her bed and now she has to lie in it - she's going to have a child by this "dirtbag" and she'll be tied to him for life through that child. She may well regret the breakup with you but it sounds like it's too late for her to go back. In the meantime, you will go on to bigger and better things. I'm beginning to realise that sometimes there are no answers to the why questions. Especially regarding who our exes choose when they leave us.
Yamaha Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 As you said, she's infatuated with him and thinks she loves him. Alot of women/people fall for the guy/girl that is not like them because they do things that they would not do and that makes it exciting. That and she probably loves the sex, that will keep some people around for some time. She might come back to you if he runs out on her and she needs help with the baby and such. I would think seriously about getting back with her if she does b/c she is not be ready for a mature relationship and will be using YOU until she finds someone she fancies more. She has alot of growing up to do and she needs to figure at out on her own.
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Corrected it for you. Your ex made her bed and now she has to lie in it - she's going to have a child by this "dirtbag" and she'll be tied to him for life through that child. She may well regret the breakup with you but it sounds like it's too late for her to go back. In the meantime, you will go on to bigger and better things. I'm beginning to realise that sometimes there are no answers to the why questions. Especially regarding who our exes choose when they leave us. Lol, thanks for correcting it for me. You're right... she's stuck with a kid now, and in time he will more than likely leave her. I just hope that I don't hear from her again when everything falls apart. I guess I just don't understand why women always go after the "bad guy." Nice guys finish last, right?
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 As you said, she's infatuated with him and thinks she loves him. Alot of women/people fall for the guy/girl that is not like them because they do things that they would not do and that makes it exciting. That and she probably loves the sex, that will keep some people around for some time. She might come back to you if he runs out on her and she needs help with the baby and such. I would think seriously about getting back with her if she does b/c she is not be ready for a mature relationship and will be using YOU until she finds someone she fancies more. She has alot of growing up to do and she needs to figure at out on her own. She will realize it's not love and probably try to come back to me... who knows? She's such a proud and private individual, so she may not have the guts to be able to face me after what she did. And yeah, she fell for a different kind of guy. Somebody that treated her different than me and her previous boyfriends. I'm not getting back with her... EVER. Not my kid, not my problem. It hurts, but time will only heal this wound.
GreenPolicy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 You wanted sex and never stood up for your needs and desires in the relationship. Women want a guy who has backbone. If sex was important enough to you, you should have let her know that you could not wait until marriage and be willing to leave the relationship. Your needs were not getting met and you stayed anyways. As it turns out, she was not willing to wait until marriage either. Always stand up for yourself. It doesn't have to be crude like "You better start putting out b*tch." But sex is an important part of a relationship and very few people are willing to wait until marriage.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Why do <some> women love to be treated like trash by jerks??? Due to various factors, largely familial, this is how they define the parameters of love and/or experience the dynamic of self-loathing. 'You're too good for me' 'I'm not worthy of you' 'Why do you love me? I don't deserve it.' I can recite more lines heard by myself over the decades from women. I've learned to accept them as their truth. OP, my sympathies. My only advice is to accept it for what it is, her choice, and not reflective of the man you are. Take care.
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 You wanted sex and never stood up for your needs and desires in the relationship. Women want a guy who has backbone. If sex was important enough to you, you should have let her know that you could not wait until marriage and be willing to leave the relationship. Your needs were not getting met and you stayed anyways. As it turns out, she was not willing to wait until marriage either. Always stand up for yourself. It doesn't have to be crude like "You better start putting out b*tch." But sex is an important part of a relationship and very few people are willing to wait until marriage. That couldn't be more far from the truth. During our first year together I did get upset at her several times because she would allow things to get to a point where we'd be making out and doing our thing, even stripping down somewhat... And as soon as it got to the point where we'd almost be at sex, she would stop. I called her out on it several times. Told her I wasn't going to put up with it. Yeah, my needs weren't getting met... But I was raised a Christian (as she was) and although I wasn't a virgin due to my youthful mistakes, I did believe on waiting till marriage. It's what she wanted and I never forced her into anything. I never cheated on her either.
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Due to various factors, largely familial, this is how they define the parameters of love and/or experience the dynamic of self-loathing. 'You're too good for me' 'I'm not worthy of you' 'Why do you love me? I don't deserve it.' I can recite more lines heard by myself over the decades from women. I've learned to accept them as their truth. OP, my sympathies. My only advice is to accept it for what it is, her choice, and not reflective of the man you are. Take care. So you're saying that some women just think they weren't good enough, so they search elsewhere for some guy that treats them like trash?
GreenPolicy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 That couldn't be more far from the truth. During our first year together I did get upset at her several times because she would allow things to get to a point where we'd be making out and doing our thing, even stripping down somewhat... And as soon as it got to the point where we'd almost be at sex, she would stop. I called her out on it several times. Told her I wasn't going to put up with it. Yeah, my needs weren't getting met... But I was raised a Christian (as she was) and although I wasn't a virgin due to my youthful mistakes, I did believe on waiting till marriage. It's what she wanted and I never forced her into anything. I never cheated on her either. No, you didn't believe in waiting till marriage, because whenever she stopped just short of sex you called her out on it and said you wouldn't put up with it. But you did put up with it by staying in the relationship.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 So you're saying that some women just think they weren't good enough, so they search elsewhere for some guy that treats them like trash? Yes, that has been a painful realization numerous times in my life. I've come to accept it. It is their path, one they choose. My opinion of the health of that path is irrelevant. Hence, instead of trying to 'save' them, I adopt an unwanted and discarded cat
GreenPolicy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 So you're saying that some women just think they weren't good enough, so they search elsewhere for some guy that treats them like trash? Some women, due to nature or nurture, have distorted views of themselves as unlovable and unworthy of good treatment. They tend to gravitate towards relationships where they have to fight for affection and love and they confuse the perseverance of emotional pain with love. When they get into a relationship with a good guy who treats them well, it confuses them, because they have no emotional experience with it. This may or may not be the case with your ex.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I am currently assessing a dynamic (with a friend) exactly like that proffered in this thread and it is clear that she sees poor treatment as a method of receiving love at the emotional level, even though, at the cognitive level, she despises the treatment. She literally feels that this dynamic is 'passionate'. Evidently, this has been a life pattern for her. As my relative calm is unattractive, this provides me with an excellent opportunity to see inside the female psyche and learn further signs and indications of incompatible styles and how to avoid such women for relationships in the future. I'm off the drama train. Too many years on the tracks.
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 No, you didn't believe in waiting till marriage, because whenever she stopped just short of sex you called her out on it and said you wouldn't put up with it. But you did put up with it by staying in the relationship. I wasnt calling her out on the lack of sex, but the fact that she said she wanted to wait for marriage, yet allowed us to enter into Dry Humping, kissing, and touching... She would get upset at me because I was a guy And that stuff always turned me on making me want more... She should have understood how hard it is for men to get Hard and try to turn it off. I use to explain it to her, yet she still blamed me for pushing her... Even though 50% of the time it was her making the move on me and requesting me to go back to the bedroom with her to do what we typically did.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 The jerk 'took' her virginity. It's sad to say but some women respond positively to such 'taking', IOW clear disrespect/ignoral for their *apparent* desires to be chaste. The good news is that a healthy woman for you will respond to your respect for her and will willingly and passionately share herself with you without games or ambiguity.
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Some women, due to nature or nurture, have distorted views of themselves as unlovable and unworthy of good treatment. They tend to gravitate towards relationships where they have to fight for affection and love and they confuse the perseverance of emotional pain with love. When they get into a relationship with a good guy who treats them well, it confuses them, because they have no emotional experience with it. This may or may not be the case with your ex. She told me a lot of things when she left... But here are a few that may fit with what you're describing... "you kept wanting more from me, but it wasn't enough" "in the end I kept hurting us" "you're a good boy and so special to me, I had to do this" "you'll find someone perfect for you"
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Sounds familiar. In another generation or so, you will realize that she gave you a gift.
ResetReality Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Don't read into it too much My ex emailed me a list of what I did wrong! one of them being that one Easter I didn't buy her any Easter Eggs!!! yep, that's the sort of girl I was dating! Concentrate on You now, if you ask me, You dodged a bullet my friend!
january2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I guess I just don't understand why women always go after the "bad guy." Nice guys finish last, right? In my experience, "nice guys" usually have the last laugh.
GreenPolicy Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 You want to be a good guy, not a nice guy. A mature, self-reliant woman will be attracted to a genuinely nice guy. "Nice guy" is usually short-hand for a guy who has no backbone or confidence.
Woggle Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 In my experience, "nice guys" usually have the last laugh. Very true. They end up getting quality if they can grow a spine while still being a good guy for the right woman.
Author mmiller5373 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Sounds familiar. In another generation or so, you will realize that she gave you a gift. Carhill, I just re-read this post of yours. I'm beginning to see things a different way... The hurt is almost gone, though I still feel "used." It could have been a bad idea, but I decided to go back through some of my saved e-mails from her and re-read them. Reading these emails has actually helped me realize that she's not the right one for me because she's selfish and frankly, a b*tch. In one of her messages she flat out says: "I always knew you wouldn't be a part of my life forever..." WTF is that? Does anyone get that statement? You always knew? Then why the heck were you with me? It's like she knew it wasn't going to last, so she let it drag out until it died a cold, bitter, angry death. Why would someone do that if they knew this person wasn't the right one for them? What I take from this (as I go back through different messages and events) is that she was searching for a way out for a VERY long time, yet she was afraid to let me go.
carhill Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Small comfort but at least you know she or her type won't be holding your hand as you take your last breath.
Whimsical_Ninja Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I agree with a couple of the responses here. There's that difference between 'nice' and 'passive'. I've met a lot of guys who complain about being a 'nice guy who finishes last' but, while I can say they truly are nice on many levels, they're also so utterly passive. They think always saying 'Whatever you want, honey' and 'You choose, I'll be happy with whatever you're happy with' and stuff like that constitutes being 'a nice guy', when really they're fobbing off a ton of responsibility to the girl. Constantly saying "I love you" and "You're beautiful" in a compulsive sort of way can also turn a lot of girls off in a big way. I've seen guys do this, and they do it with purposeful intent and attach values to it. Like "I said _______ to her today, this means I've been a good boyfriend, I should be treated well because of that". It can utterly kill a relationship. Some women enjoy that, but a lot of girls just don't. It can turn into a really uncomfortable 'mother/son' vibe for a lot of women and they bail for a guy who speaks his mind, takes control of situations, and gives compliments in the moment he feels them rather than making it a point. Passive guys can see assertive guys as 'douche bags' when they're not really douche bags at all. And again, some girls really do respond more to actual douche bags who are abusive and do not value them because they're mimicking unhealthy relationships they grew up with. Men and women who do this usually have absolutely no conscious idea of what they're doing, and they're often oblivious to the causes behind their unhappiness. It doesn't mean they're stupid or anything, it's just when you grow up being taught you have no value and you're accustomed to being treated a certain way, any other way of life is uncomfortable and strange. For some people it's easier to deal with some a-hole who constantly ignores them or puts them down because that's what they KNOW. Someone coming along suggesting they are wonderful, talented, or beautiful can feel like some kind of cruel joke to them and they react defensively, as if the person who is saying it is trying to mess with their heads or something. It's one of those complex and mind blowing effects of childhood abuse/neglect. It can be very hard to change in adulthood. OP, I'm not saying I think you or your ex fit into any of these parameters at all, I obviously don't know enough about the situation. Just addressing the initial question of the post. Oh, and I think also some guys and girls tend to idealize potential partners. I've had friends who will meet some guy I will instantly peg as being a total jerk-off, but in their minds this guy might be the 'misunderstood bad boy with a heart of gold' or 'the brooding introvert who just needs the right girl to get him out of his shell', stuff like that. It's like they really expect others to be characters out of movies or something, like it's all going to be some whirlwind romance with passion, danger, and excitement (I've known many guys who have done this too). Some people just DO THAT (I used to, but have since grown out of it, hehe).
Recommended Posts