Rose T Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I've already started a couple of threads on here about my ex who was talking about "taking a break" afer a 4.5 year relationship when I found out he was cheating two months ago... so I threw him out. I was fairly sure he would run to the OW under those circumstances (indeed he did) so I went NC. The first month after the breakup, I felt such a sense of trauma and hurt that the self-control necessary for total NC eluded me. I felt like a lighthouse, still beaming out all this love in his direction, even though it was futile. NC was me trying to cover up that light but inevitably a couple of times in the ten days following the relationship's end, I reached out. He always responded, expressing immense confusion. Then I got better at NC, got stronger. The second month I managed a period of 23 days NC. That felt good, although while removing him from my immediate world, it didn't totally stop the pining or help me get the good memories out of the forefront of my mind. I spent hours on LS, reading over and over again why NC was important. Then, my ex started to contact me, initiating contact for the first time since the breakup (six weeks after the end). I ignored his crumbs, until he gave me a full apology for his behaviour, said he'd made a huge mistake, was hurting a lot, and wanted a second chance. Experiencing this change in behaviour had a profound effect on me. Firstly, I was glad he was sorry. (it reawoke a kind of fantasy hope for a second chance... a fantasy I allowed myself to consider for a moment, probably mostly to be kind to my wounded ego, despite knowing what was 'right' deep down). Secondly, I was glad he was hurting. I'd been through two horrible months and I wanted him to feel bad too. Thirdly, it gave me a grim satisfaction, a cynical satisfaction, that a lot of the cycles of behaviour from cheaters / dumpers reported on LS are identical. No contact had worked - it had wounded his ego, his sense of control and power; it had confused him about my availability; it had taken the shine off his new, conflicted relationship. I finally got in touch with him, explained why we couldn't go back. He reached out again. This time, I expressed a lot of the anger and pain I had suffered. He acknowledged his fault. That's where we are now. This past week of contact has brought the break-up back to the forefront of my mind. But, incredibly, even though only two months have passed, I've discovered I'm already in a different place. The wisdom of posters on LS was constantly at the back of my mind when he got in touch: it was like sitting an exam, after studying for months! Everytime he said something, expressed something, I was thinking: 'I know this one! I've seen this example before... and I know how to deal with it.' I wouldn't advise breaking NC to anyone, but if it does happen and you fall back into a period of contact, you might discover what I have: that you can read your ex's behaviour, and use it to take them off that pedestal once and for all by recognising the drivers behind it. I couldn't have done this without my attention to LS over the past two months. To get here though I think you have to have at least given NC a try - staying silent for almost a month helped me immensely. So, here I am now, handling his contact, still keeping him at arm's length, and somehow using it to heal. This man can't let me down any longer, he can't hurt me more than he already has. So hearing the white noise, tentative attempts at reconcilation, seeing him take one step forward and two steps back, is helping me get over him by revealing him for what he is. It's wierd: I thought it would drag me back into hell, but its actually contrasting his immaturity with the behaviour of new people I'm meeting, making me surer and surer that the relationship ended for a reason and that I will have a happier future without him. I know it's early days and I intend to return to NC moving forwards, but the experience has been more positive than I'd hoped.
Movingthrough Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) Good post and im glad you are feeling better. It is funny because sometimes i find myself on here thinking i need to get off to fully heal, but you learn so much. The fact that so many dumpers seem to do the same thing kind of astounds me a bit, i have dumped before and felt those feelings but you can almost see what they are going to do textbook if you spend a few minutes on here. I know what you mean about that "good" feeling you get from them contacting. When mine was talking behind my back to a friend of mine, it made me angry, and i hated that NC was broken (by her) because i would feel everything again. But i had these calm sense of power, sense of control again. If this girl is so "happy" with her new guy, why does she care what im doing? Only one reason, she is still running from her demons and NOT happy. As days went by it kind of got worse for me because i wondered why she would do it, but like you said, it was good to know that i didnt break NC and i technically had the control. You are in a good spot, and just be careful and watch the signs, use it to heal, dont have this subconscious vision of getting back together, just go with the flow. Edited January 23, 2011 by Movingthrough
Author Rose T Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 You are in a good spot, and just be careful and watch the signs, use it to heal, dont have this subconscious vision of getting back together, just go with the flow. Thanks Movingthrough, you have hit the nail on the head here anyway - I do have to be careful because only a couple of months have passed and I'm obviously still vulnerable. It's true when they say that NC is really a ticket out of hell - when it got broken it allowed me to assess which level of purgatory I'd reached!!
Movingthrough Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks Movingthrough, you have hit the nail on the head here anyway - I do have to be careful because only a couple of months have passed and I'm obviously still vulnerable. It's true when they say that NC is really a ticket out of hell - when it got broken it allowed me to assess which level of purgatory I'd reached!! NC is def. bittersweet. It fixes so many issues and allows us to not fall into the same holes we were before, but it also makes us feel like we are giving up or forgetting what we had. It also feels like that any other thing that happens like them breaking NC or whatever, will just send us right back over the edge. Not too long ago i sent a text to a long time ex just basically saying sorry for the pain i caused. I had no other intentions but i was working on myself and wanted to apologize for what i had done. She immediately got angry and basically said that this didnt help. I felt so bad, my intentions were nothing but good but the pain she felt was somewhat still there even years later, it showed me though that NC is something that is there for a reason. Its for situations when nothing is going to work but that. Just recently for the first time i have wanted to break NC, but when i think of why, i have no idea. I think most of us dumpees are hurt so much because of rejection, its just some indescribable thing that we cant kick. We have all had that feeling of wanting something so bad that we cant have, then getting it, and not really caring anymore. Its weird...
0hpenelope Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) I wouldn't advise breaking NC to anyone, but if it does happen and you fall back into a period of contact, you might discover what I have: that you can read your ex's behaviour, and use it to take them off that pedestal once and for all by recognising the drivers behind it. I couldn't have done this without my attention to LS over the past two months. To get here though I think you have to have at least given NC a try - staying silent for almost a month helped me immensely. Aah, how's that for closure? I wish I can say for myself that I might be able to predict my ex, but the aftermath of our break-up makes me feel like what I knew of him are more lies. You question everything that you thought you knew of this guy and they turned out to be wrong. Did you tell your ex you were going NC on him and that he should only talk to you if it were about getting back together or did you just do NC w/o giving him a clue? I'm not sure if you're one of us who did this because if you did, he still reached out to you after that ultimatum? Wow.. Either he must really care for you and just has a weird way of showing it - or he has that huge of a complex that he can get you anytime in his own terms. Gross. Edited January 23, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author Rose T Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) Aah, how's that for closure? I wish I can say for myself that I might be able to predict my ex, but the aftermath of our break-up makes me feel like what I knew of him are more lies. You question everything that you thought you knew of this guy and they turned out to be wrong. Did you tell your ex you were going NC on him and that he should only talk to you if it were about getting back together or did you just do NC w/o giving him a clue? I'm not sure if you're one of us who did this because if you did, he still reached out to you after that ultimatum? Wow.. Either he must really care for you and just has a weird way of showing it - or he has that huge of a complex that he can get you anytime in his own terms. Gross. It's funny, because although he was the one talking about leaving, I was sort of the dumpee-dumper as I threw him out when I found text messages from a colleague revealing their affair. I made him move out the same day (December 4th) - I was so angry - so it was a very unsettling break-up for him too in the end - he had no-where to go and basically had to call his boss and actually move his stuff into the office for a week until he could make other arrangements. Despite us lasting 4.5 years, he has always had commitment issues. We were finally in a solid situation, both with stable jobs in the same city after a lot of career problems, that I think his affair was a way of sabotaging things because he didn't know how to enunciate his fears about a long term future together. From what I understand, he threw himself into the "new relationship" throughout December - she's a colleague who was also "attached". (I understand the affair started in November - he began working there in September.) I immediately went very LC - I think I sent just two text messages in the ten days after we broke up - little communications of hurt and pain, never asking for him back. When I kicked him out I said I never want you back. Then I went NC until Xmas when I sent one blandish messages really aimed at his family, with whom I was very close. I never announced NC though - it was just the only thing I could think of doing, also because he initially communicated that he was elated to be with his new girl and that we should both move on. At New Year, he sent me a wishy-washy text that I ignored. Last week, he went away for three weeks for work, and I think the combination of being away from the new girl and far from me too got him thinking. He sent me a couple of pointless "how are you?" emails before the one saying he'd screwed up. I think his situation is this: he's suddenly in a new relationship with someone who wants commitment (and who works in his office - i.e. gives him no space) and he's in no place to give it. Her shortfalls are highlighting my good qualities () and he's realised the fact that I've basically been his rock for the past 5 years and apart from not really pushing him on the commitment issues (possible red flag) I really think I've little to blame myself for - I've been a very supportive girlfriend. A part of me thinks he really is missing me although I think he's disorientated, what with being abroad as well. Better to think that it's about his ego and selfishness, right? No contact really pushed his buttons, I know that much. Could I get him back? Possibly, although it would be a mess. Would I want to? A tiny part of me does. Then I remember the betrayal, and I shut down those thoughts. He's back in a week. Watch this space... Edited January 23, 2011 by Rose T
Fern Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm interested to see how this turns out. You're a smart woman - I have no doubt you'll do whatever is right for you. Good luck!
Author Rose T Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks Fern! I couldn't believe how NC brought a textbook apology and reaction from him, but I sadly believe it's also a textbook knee-jerk reaction on his part, mostly ego-driven. I don't have a problem at all with him having a crisis about contemplating "forever" with me - it's huge for anyone. But the way he dealt with his fears - throwing himself into an affair at work - was so wrong. Cheating was always on my list of dealbreakers. I think I could get another chance with this man if I want it, but I imagine there's no point in going there. Such is life! Feel sad and resigned at the same time. Still, I'm sure there'll be developments.
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