justaname Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Being a man I have to to agree with all that was said. That's always been my approach with my xMW who still pines for me. I never initiate any dialog with her. I have a full life and I really don't need to be bothered. Like men I've learned to compartmentalize and put that part of my life aside. then i guess i'm a woman.
Ladyblue Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Some people are wired that way. They will be more attracted to a 'challenge' type of relationship. The easy one doesn't make them thrill. If the AP backs off they will pine after AP. To all the APs : if you want MM/MW pine after you and begging you, cut them off at the very first sign of "bus accident" drama. I can guarantee, they will be after you for a looooong time. To all the BS : if you want to keep your W-spouse never beg, ILYs, cry, scream. It is their job to win you back, not yours. ---------------------- Ladyblue, in your particular case I think the MM has serious self-esteem issues, he is accepting to stay with a serial cheating wife while he can have a loving, faithful woman Why? Because he is in a masochist kind of relationship, everytime his wife cheats on him, his self-esteem plumets and he feels inferior than her. All the abusive relationships are based on a kind of masochist interaction where the abuser takes advantage on the damaged self-esteem of the abused parter. He tries hard to win her back because he feels like he can't have any better and/or she triggers in him the hysterical male competition. Some betrayed men will have a very strong sexual drive towards their WS after a Dday because of their destroyed Ego they will feel like they have to prove to their W that they are worth it, or are better than OM. It is a kind of subconscious competition. While with you he has a very different interaction. You are his "soul-nurse", you are his oasis of peace and reality-escape. He feeds you with imagination because he wants to heal his damaged self-esteem, he wants to create a phantasy world where he is loved and not put down. Oddly, people who have self-esteem issues don't go towards people who love them, they merely look for validation and reality escape. Why? Because in their inner conscious they have a very low image of themselves and they believe that they don't deserve the love they are given - so they feel like something is wrong when someone loves and nurtures them and they go back to their abuser. This is amazing. I think this is exactly it. I know after he would catch her, he would never be angry at her --- always his anger and rage was directed at the man. He wanted to beat him up, hurt him, but never seemed too angry with his wife. That always seemed really strange to me. I think he was really into competing with the OM. I agree with RedCurls. It doesn't make sense to me, but if it works for them ---
pureinheart Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Haha, Pure, glad I made you laugh. Hate is a strong word.. Why do you feel that you hate reality? I used to avoid facing it, knowingly and unknowingly, because it didn't match up with my ideas in my head. I agree with Katie that that is rather insane. But unlike Katie, I feel that it is not about giving one's self "tough love" about accepting it, but allowing Everything to be as it is. As I read your response, right away I thought of how I am avoiding the reality of my friend's subtle comments of wanting to be with me. I generally choose to sweep it under the rug. But as I was writing him just now about an issue that he is struggling with in his life, I gave him (and me) the answer. Trusting Life. Trusting that Life Knows why things are happening, even if We don't know why. In that moment not wanting him to feel this way simply falls away. It just is. At a very young age I had to face "adult" reality yet allowed myself to be the child that I was. As an example of my hatred towards reality, possibly this will shed light. My exH was sexually abused by his father from the time he was a baby (I think 18 mo old), he was 16 when he finally said no and put a stop to it. My exH turned into a sex addict (can't imagine why:rolleyes:) which is a long story in itself. I needed to understand what had happened to him and why. I was taken into the mind of a child molester and as God as my witness I was physically sick for over 3 weeks. In most cases I can see the heart of the individual and it is not pretty. There is an old saying, be careful of what you pray for, you might get it...I prayed for understanding...yes I hate the state of this world and the reality of it...guess I should be more clear in the future!
awkward Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I think the one who cares more is the one who pines more. But in the end the one who pines more, will eventually get tired of hurting and completely let go, while the other will still try to keep a foot in the door.
lovingwhatis Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 At a very young age I had to face "adult" reality yet allowed myself to be the child that I was. As an example of my hatred towards reality, possibly this will shed light. My exH was sexually abused by his father from the time he was a baby (I think 18 mo old), he was 16 when he finally said no and put a stop to it. My exH turned into a sex addict (can't imagine why:rolleyes:) which is a long story in itself. I needed to understand what had happened to him and why. I was taken into the mind of a child molester and as God as my witness I was physically sick for over 3 weeks. In most cases I can see the heart of the individual and it is not pretty. There is an old saying, be careful of what you pray for, you might get it...I prayed for understanding...yes I hate the state of this world and the reality of it...guess I should be more clear in the future! Wow, Pure, your post stopped me in my tracks.. I can see what you mean - that type of pain is almost too much to see and take in.. The knee jerk reaction would be to turn away, to intellectualize it somehow. I admit, I can't fully fathom it just yet. But you, you were gifted with a Pure Heart, a heart that can see, and that's beautiful. I know it breaks your heart to see the pain around you, and no one would blame you if you want to "check out". You are brave, and I imagine that braveness comes from a deeper place in you, a place that cannot be hurt. There are many beautiful spiritual concepts that I can write about here, and I know you've read them too. Bottom line though, there is an "isness" of things, pain and suffering included, that we reject, but if we stop and see them, and feel the deeper truth, those hurts begin looking differently. It is like looking behind the curtain and seeing that the monster doesn't really exist..
Recommended Posts