pilotgrove Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm new here so not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes. I've been divorced for exactly 2 weeks after my ex came out gay 2 years ago. The marriage lasted 23 years but I had an affair 20 years ago. I adored this man but chose to not leave my husband, b/c I was 31 and wanted to have children and the OM didn't seem like he'd be a good choice for a man to have children with. (the irony: he went on to have 5 kids with the woman he married later!) I had no idea my husband was gay, but it was obvious that he wasn't much into me--after the kids came he was more committed. So that's the background. Skip to the present and OM has contacted me and wants to get back together since he's getting a divorce from a marriage that was dead. He seems very excited and I am too, but wondering if these things can even work. My world was so drab after the affair was over but I've moved on we parted on good terms, but I wonder if the relationship would ever be as good without the "doing the naughty" element. He's on the rebound, but lives a good 8 hours away. Also, supposing that it were to work out: what would we tell people? Obviously I don't want to go telling everyone that my new bf is someone that I had an affair with 20 years ago, but I'd have to lie about several things to move the time frame and believe it or not, I don't like lying--I'm actually pretty bad at it. Well perhaps this is all premature, but things are happening quickly here and he may be coming to see me pretty soon. I've already decided not to meet him at a halfway point b/c it would be assumed we'd be sleeping together, and not sure yet if or when I'll do that. I'd like to see this turn into a real relationship though, if possible.
SoMovinOn Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 The only way to find out if it's going to work is to date and see what happens. As for what you tell anyone - you introduce him as your boyfriend and leave it at that.
pureinheart Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 The only way to find out if it's going to work is to date and see what happens. As for what you tell anyone - you introduce him as your boyfriend and leave it at that. Totally agree SMO...OP, you owe no explanations:)...this is you and YOUR life...have a good life BTW:D
siuys Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Pilot, sounds like you are both available and willing. No one knows the future. Give it a go, enjoy it and see how things pan out. No point worrying about stuff in the future that may or may not happen. And yes, introduce him as your bf and that's it. no need for explanations. Rebound or not, these are labels. They do work out, too. Good luck and stop worrying!
silverplanets Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm new here so not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes. I've been divorced for exactly 2 weeks after my ex came out gay 2 years ago. The marriage lasted 23 years but I had an affair 20 years ago. I adored this man but chose to not leave my husband, b/c I was 31 and wanted to have children and the OM didn't seem like he'd be a good choice for a man to have children with. (the irony: he went on to have 5 kids with the woman he married later!) I had no idea my husband was gay, but it was obvious that he wasn't much into me--after the kids came he was more committed. So that's the background. Skip to the present and OM has contacted me and wants to get back together since he's getting a divorce from a marriage that was dead. He seems very excited and I am too, but wondering if these things can even work. My world was so drab after the affair was over but I've moved on we parted on good terms, but I wonder if the relationship would ever be as good without the "doing the naughty" element. He's on the rebound, but lives a good 8 hours away. Also, supposing that it were to work out: what would we tell people? Obviously I don't want to go telling everyone that my new bf is someone that I had an affair with 20 years ago, but I'd have to lie about several things to move the time frame and believe it or not, I don't like lying--I'm actually pretty bad at it. Well perhaps this is all premature, but things are happening quickly here and he may be coming to see me pretty soon. I've already decided not to meet him at a halfway point b/c it would be assumed we'd be sleeping together, and not sure yet if or when I'll do that. I'd like to see this turn into a real relationship though, if possible. Hi PG, It's not clear from the above whether he is actually divorced, the divorce filing is underway or whether he is just mulling it over ... ????
Author pilotgrove Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Hi PG, It's not clear from the above whether he is actually divorced, the divorce filing is underway or whether he is just mulling it over ...???? The filing is underway. I'm going for it--like I should have done years ago. The funny thing is that he was the ultimate bad boy in those days. He had a ponytail and played in a punk rock band and was the janitor where I worked. He still had a couple of crude prison tattoos and had just gotten out of rehab. My husband on the other hand was steady and reliable and treated me like a roommate. Now, 20 years later, badboy is a professor with 5 kids who sees them every night, and old reliable is a gay man who barely sees his once a week. I'm going for it. I believe that I deserve someone who knows how to love a woman.
Ellin Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 The filing is underway. I'm going for it--like I should have done years ago. The funny thing is that he was the ultimate bad boy in those days. He had a ponytail and played in a punk rock band and was the janitor where I worked. He still had a couple of crude prison tattoos and had just gotten out of rehab. My husband on the other hand was steady and reliable and treated me like a roommate. Now, 20 years later, badboy is a professor with 5 kids who sees them every night, and old reliable is a gay man who barely sees his once a week. I'm going for it. I believe that I deserve someone who knows how to love a woman. Wow, that just shows how one never can predict how things will turn out. Often the reality is the opposite of what we expect and usually it is different than what we expect and imagine. It all sounds quite exciting to me, him contacting you and still thinking about you after all these years. Maybe you were destined to be together. Don't fear, just go for it and see what happens - that's the only way to know. I don't think you will rush into anything or act without thinking because you seem to be very cautious. Life's giving you a second chance of happiness and a new start. And like others have said, what to say to people is the last thing you should worry about. Only give as much information as you want, for example that you and him have known each other for a long time and recently got in touch again. There's no need for any serious lies. Good luck!
East7 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 The filing is underway. I'm going for it--like I should have done years ago. The funny thing is that he was the ultimate bad boy in those days. He had a ponytail and played in a punk rock band and was the janitor where I worked. He still had a couple of crude prison tattoos and had just gotten out of rehab. My husband on the other hand was steady and reliable and treated me like a roommate. Now, 20 years later, badboy is a professor with 5 kids who sees them every night, and old reliable is a gay man who barely sees his once a week. I'm going for it. I believe that I deserve someone who knows how to love a woman. 20 yrs after wow....Go for it pilot ! You lost him once for a gay husband, life is giving you a second chance..
Author pilotgrove Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Aw, you guys are so sweet. I know we did wrong all those years ago, and sometimes I think we don't deserve a second chance, but we tried to do right. It was so painful and difficult that I could never judge someone harshly again for it--we all need love so badly it kills us at times. Badboy actually had a lot of integrity and tried even harder than I did to hold off the physical part of the A.
bentnotbroken Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Aw, you guys are so sweet. I know we did wrong all those years ago, and sometimes I think we don't deserve a second chance, but we tried to do right. It was so painful and difficult that I could never judge someone harshly again for it--we all need love so badly it kills us at times. Badboy actually had a lot of integrity and tried even harder than I did to hold off the physical part of the A. :confused:Really?
Ladyblue Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 My only suggestion is that you think about what you will tell people when they ask how you met. You can tell them the truth, without telling them about the A, which, IMHO, would only be between you and your H and is not the general public's business. You could tell them that you used to work for the same company, and that now he is divorced, he thought of you and called to chat. That would be truth, without airing your dirty laundry to people whose business it is none of. And if you really wanted to throw people for a loop, you could add that your husband was gay, and you are looking forward to dating a manly man! That'd give them something to talk about besides probing your history and how you and your date met! Just get comfortable with whatever you want to tell, before people ask. Because, IME, people WILL ask, and they will press for details. Good luck.
Author pilotgrove Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 My only suggestion is that you think about what you will tell people when they ask how you met. You can tell them the truth, without telling them about the A, which, IMHO, would only be between you and your H and is not the general public's business. You could tell them that you used to work for the same company, and that now he is divorced, he thought of you and called to chat. That would be truth, without airing your dirty laundry to people whose business it is none of. And if you really wanted to throw people for a loop, you could add that your husband was gay, and you are looking forward to dating a manly man! That'd give them something to talk about besides probing your history and how you and your date met! Just get comfortable with whatever you want to tell, before people ask. Because, IME, people WILL ask, and they will press for details. Good luck. Yes, I'm going to have to think about to say. Of course I'm more worried about our families--he has all those kids, and I have 2 teenage daughters. Also my mother and g-mother. I can get anything past my mother, but not g-ma! I remember when I announced the divorce but was still protecting my ex and he didn't want me to tell why we were getting a divorce, so I said it was due to irreconcilable differences. She looked at me and arched her eyebrows and said, "And?" So I told her the whole truth and may end up doing so in this case also. For everyone else, the standard story will do. I guess I'm worried about what to tell my girls and my ex knows about the A, as I confessed right after he came out and it upset him a lot more than I expected at that time. Yes, bad boy is a manly man and knows how to love a woman and has called quite often lately and I'm getting really excited to see him again.
jwi71 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 So, to be clear, he has filed but its not final yet -correct? I guess I'm worried about what to tell my girls and my ex knows about the A, as I confessed right after he came out and it upset him a lot more than I expected at that time. Honestly, you have no control over what your xH tells your girls. Likewise, he has no control over what you tell the girls. You only can control what YOU say. So...what will you tell them? What would happen if you lied and they discover or deduce the truth themselves? What would happen if one of your 5 step-kids (upcoming step-kids I mean) decides to tell your girls the truth?
herenow Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 IMO, once you are both divorced you can have a new relationship, new life, new happiness. But, that is after you are both divorced. That way, you can be happy and everyone you care about can share in your new found happiness with no secrets to hide.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 IMO, once you are both divorced you can have a new relationship, new life, new happiness. But, that is after you are both divorced. That way, you can be happy and everyone you care about can share in your new found happiness with no secrets to hide. This is good advice. I am sorry for what you went through, I couldn't imagine the pain of finding out the person you were married to for so long, was gay. It would honestly make me doubt MYSELF, why didn't I see the signs, and all that jazz us ladies do to ourselves at times. It's noone's business when you two "met" years ago. Once both of you are divorced and have had time to adjust and get used to being on your own, casually date and get to know one another . No need to rush into things and blend your familes. Take it slowly and ENJOY dating, fooling around, holding hands..
Author pilotgrove Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 So, to be clear, he has filed but its not final yet -correct? Honestly, you have no control over what your xH tells your girls. Likewise, he has no control over what you tell the girls. You only can control what YOU say. So...what will you tell them? What would happen if you lied and they discover or deduce the truth themselves? What would happen if one of your 5 step-kids (upcoming step-kids I mean) decides to tell your girls the truth? That is correct--filed not final. I'm thinking you are right and I may have to tell my girls--that is if anything comes of this. For all I know, my ex may have anyway--he was throwing the info out there pretty loosely before he left and may have told them so he wouldn't be seen as the total bad guy. Badboy's kids wouldn't know anything about this b/c he was not married when we had our A--mine were born somewhat after the A, and his were born later than that. I think you all are right about taking this slowly--we'll have to anyway b/c of the 7 hour drive between us. If it's going to be a real relationship, that's the only way to go, but it's hard. Well you all know that. Whichwayis up: yes it was a difficult situation but I don't beat myself up too much b/c no one else knew either. There were little things here and there, but nothing you would divorce someone over. And just a totally lacklustre love life, but again, nothing you would divorce over. The hardest part was realizing that my husband could never have loved me. Oh I guess he cared, but in a brotherly kind of way. At least in most divorces, there at least was some love in the beginning.
Author pilotgrove Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Another thing I'm wondering is this: does the rebound principle work the same if you're reviving an old relationship, as opposed to just dating someone new too soon after a breakup? We've been talking on the phone almost every night since he contacted me and he is very warm and sweet and flirtatious, but I can't help but wonder if he's doing all this to ease the pain of his impending divorce. When we parted I had some doubts as to whether he was totally "into" me, but it was hard to say b/c of the situation--we did not have that much sex--maybe 4 times in a 9 month period and that's mainly b/c we were trying so hard not to. But what there was, was great and I sort of feel like this relationship was unfinished business--it had not yet run its course.
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