HeartsOnSleeves Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this, but I'd like a guy's (or anyone's) perspective on the situation and I'm tired of analyzing it and hashing it out with my girlfriends. Long story short (or as condense as I can make it) - After coming out of a long term serious relationship, a certain male friend and I got very drunk one evening and discovered that we had always had feelings for each other. It was a bit awkward because we've been friends for so long, but also a bit exciting for both of us. Over the next couple weeks we took things slow, lots of talking, texting, emailing - acknowledging our feelings but not wanting to ruin a good friendship. He took me out proper on a couple of dates (restaurants, a couple of movies) and then about two months after the initial discussion he kissed me. We were at my place that night and I think he was kinda ready to go, but I put the breaks on because it was too fast in one night. The next week we saw another movie and passionately made out after. The week after that we were at his place, alcohol was involved again, and we ended up in the bedroom. Again, he was ready to go, but I was just not there yet mentally, though, physically. I *ahem* took matters into my own hands to at least try and satisfy him that way, he seemed to enjoy it and we went to sleep. The next morning he was very playful with me as I was leaving to go home to get ready for work. We made plans to go to a movie the next evening and he kissed me goodbye. And then...nothing. He postponed the movie date because he ended up working late but said we would go the next weekend, which he postponed. Things got busier with his job and he had to go away for a work conference for one week in December, so I was trying to give him his space because he was stressed. But at the same time I felt like there was a shift in his mood. His email responses became brief, he rarely texted and then stopped. The movie we had wanted to see is no longer even playing in the theaters. I invited him out to dinner, suggested we go see a band we both like -- all invitations he would accept, but then pull out of at the last minute. I would send a flirtatious text, but he would sidestep it or change the subject. In December he kept telling me that he was drowning at work but that things should be better in January, now he says the same thing, but that things should be better in February. Oh and right before Christmas his lease expired and he moved, where he was about 20 minutes away before, it's now more like 40. So, I know that his life has been going through a lot of turmoil lately betweeen his job and the move and I don't want to be a pest, but at the same time, I feel so stupid - like is this just him blowing me off and not knowing how to tell it to me straight or am I just reading too much into everything. Because we were friends for so long I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but if it was some other guy I would've already written him off. Also, I feel like this has put a big dent in our friendship, if he respected me and cared about me so much as his friend, then why is he avoiding me and treating me so cooly after we were more intimate? I'm sorry for the length, but I want someone to give it to me straight or help me understand. Why would he back away just as things were escalating and going really well?
sothis Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 interesting....i logged on this evening to tell a story about a girl i've been seeing for a few months that is out of the blue behaving in a similar way. unlike you i did not know her prior but we started to spend time toghether, then began a period of making out, etc. then sex about a month in. the last time i saw her, we were hanging out with a group of my friends and that night she had refered to me as her boyfriend and by the begining of the next week nothing? so for two weeks we've had very little contact. the first week i called and texted once mayby twice just to let her know i was around. this past week she has initiated one or two text convos with me and last night suggested we find time this weekend to catch up, then never heard from her and i know she has plans tomorrow. like your guy i know she's busy with a bad work environment, new house, etc. and has told me during this stretch she was taking some time to sort some things out. like you i think i can see the writing on the wall but maybe want her to read it to me...it sounds like you like this guy and it's probably even tougher for you since you were friends prior. since you have a history/friendship with this guy i think you should sit down with him and tell him what's going through your head. if you were friends before there's no reason to think you can't get back to that if he's feeling uncomfortable with the new situation. it's not worth losing a good friend over trying to be more that because it just didn't feel right. it sounds to me like he thought because there was history already that once you two decided to take it to another level, expected it to get to that level quickly. when it took longer perhaps he began thinking it was a mistake. perhaps you have an opinion for me? i'm just wondering since she had told me she needs to figure things out. do i stay patient and give her time, and if so how much time? or is it time to bail?
sothis Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 btw...sorry, i didn't mean to make your post about me. since we have reasonably similar situations i thought maybe we could help one another out. good luck!!!
Author HeartsOnSleeves Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks -- and don't worry, I have no problem with receiving and giving feedback within a thread. In your situation I would say maybe give her some more time. I can only speak personally, but usually if I like a guy I want him to stick around and if I don't then I want to nip it in the bud and get to it so that things don't go farther and there's less of a chance for people to get upset. Again, that's just me, but as an adult I've always felt that adult relationships should involve adult communication, no wishy-washy immature high school games -- if you like somebody say so, but if you prefer the company of others tell them. I know that when I'm really busy and stressed at work that it's hard for me to focus on things outside of work so I may not return phone calls or respond to emails right away, but then when Friday or the weekend comes I'm ready for fun and I want to go out. I think that's part of what's bothering me with my guy -- yes, I understand he's working 12 hour workdays (or at least he claims to be), but he still has to stop and have dinner at some point and he doesn't have to work Friday, Saturday or Sundays -- and that's when I worry he's just avoiding me. How long has it been since you saw her? If I were you, I'd take a step back and wait for her to initiate contact. If a couple of weeks go by and you hear nothing I'd say you have two options: 1. Accept that it's over for whatever reason and bail or 2. Maybe call her or email/text her and simply be direct with her and ask if she's still interested. If you get a straight answer out of her you'll know, but if she waffles some more it might be time to bail. It's been a little over a month since I last saw my guy, but we've been texting or emailing from about twice to maybe now once a week -- however he initiated contact on maybe 3 or 4 of those occasions, the rest has been all me and I hate feeling like I'm chasing after someone who's not interested. It's embarrassing and makes me feel cheap. *Sigh* I don't know, it's like you said, I can see the writing on the wall but I'd like for him to read it to me
sothis Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 hey there HOS....wow haven't seen him in over a month and only one or two conversations a week....you're a good egg! I'm patient, but I'm not sure i would remain that patient for that long. it's a tough spot to be in when a relationship is so new. if you push the envelope they cloud freak out and say this is way too much so soon. and if you stay quiet and patient things can fizzle out because no one is communicating. personally if i like some one I'd like to see them at least twice a week if not a bit more depending on different things that might be going on. so for me if I'm not keeping in touch would suggest I'm not into a girl that way. however for me i would never initiate if I'm not interested. are the conversations you do have short simple small talk conversations or are they more involved? if he's engaged in more involved conversations with you I'd say he's interested and really is busy like he says. if that's the case it's definitely realistic to think he would be open to a real adult conversation about the situation. any thoughts he might be seeing someone else during this time?.....keep me posted on any developments as for my situation....we haven't seen each other for a little over two weeks. i kept in brief contact with her the first week she went into hiding. told her i was thinking about her and if she needed anything i was around. she told me she was just trying to sort some things out (she's had a rough go of things over the past year. bad job situation, problems buy the house she wanted, ended a 1.5 year long relationship, etc) i made sure she knows i like her and if she needs some time i totally understand. this past week she has been the one initiating contact and the conversations have been more involved then during the first week. she suggested taking some time to catch up this past weekend but i never heard from her. today she texted and we went back and forth for a while and we are supposed to grab a drink this evening. so maybe like you said hang in there, sometimes people really do need time for them self once in a while. had it not been for her contacting me today i was pretty much ready to write it off.....i have to say I'm a bit nervous about seeing her tonight. it will be disappointing if the vibe between us isn't like it was before the time away....
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