murah989 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I deserve everything I've done to my ex. I broke up with her and was so happy to do it at first. I ignored her and was so afraid to get involved with her again. I've never seen anyone wade through such darkness before in my life. She was truly in love with me and I threw it all away because I'm a fool. I changed my number and blocked her on Facebook so i'd never have to talk with her again. I felt so liberated and free to have fun for once in such a long time. Then slowly I started feeling so lonely and depressed. I'm still very much in love with her. I've seen her so much lately in such random places having such a good time. She moved on from me and is enjoying her new found freedom as well. Seeing her like that made me feel even more depressed. So about 10 minutes ago I broke my NC....spilled my guts on the phone, telling her everything I had been feeling. She seemed so uninterested, and took pity on me. I'm such a pathetic idiot...I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I don't deserve to be with her...after the break up I wronged her so many times.....I don't want to feel like this anymore....this hopelessness.
Hhhh Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 consequences... always leave on good terms buddy, Don't worry you will eventually move on. How long has it been?
Skee Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I changed my number and blocked her on Facebook so i'd never have to talk with her again. I felt so liberated and free to have fun for once in such a long time. Then slowly I started feeling so lonely and depressed. I'm still very much in love with her. how long did it take for you to go from completely cutting her off/feeling so happy and free, to feeling lonely/depressed and still in love with her?
cerridwen Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Wow you are pathetic ^Reported, Troll. Murah, you were carrying regret and guilt and that's a heavy load. That you unloaded some is fine. Forgive yourself. The good news? The feelings you're describing? The self-loathing for calling? They're temporary. MANY people on LS broke NC and did something similar to you. We groaned afterward, hit our heads against the wall some, and went back to NC. It's almost a rite of passage for the heartbroken! More possible good news: Because you apologized, your ex may very well think better of you down the road. I know I do about exes who wronged me then apologized.
0hpenelope Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 It's rare to hear from dumpers that express regret on LS. I always assume that the other side (the side without the dumpee) is a much greener, peaceful field. You freed yourself from someone that didn't make you feel good anymore. Your dumpee begged you, she probably made all of the classic mistakes most LS dumpees make and as expected, you still walked away. Who would want to be with someone who's begging and desperate, after all? I have to ask why you want her back. I've read some of your past threads and you were relatively unsuccessful with your attempts at online dating. I sympathize with the guilt you feel and at the same time, I sympathize with the one you left. Why do you want her back if you wanted to be rid of her?
0hpenelope Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Perhaps it's don't know what you have until it's gone syndrome...OR it's not really her he wants, but lonliness in general that makes him think he does. I was thinking more of the latter. Did he give it a lot of thought before reaching out to his ex? In a different post, he said she begged and cried for him, so to hear back from someone who she really thought didn't care for her anymore must have been quite the shock. I suppose we'll just hear from him if he decides to respond.
Graceful Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm sorry, but without more details, I don't feel we can help you. But the rundown from your post goes like this: You dump your ex You're happy about it You ignore her and are afraid to get involved again She wades through darkness She was truly in love with you You threw it away You block and delete her number you don't ever want to talk to her again this liberates you, you have fun, feel free, something you didn't feel for a long time Then you got lonely and depresed You then decide you are still in love with her You see her in random places, she appears to be having a good time She's moved on and enjoying herself Seeing that she's having fun depresses you You spill your guts to her over the phone She's not interested She pities you now You feel pathetic You wronged her and don't deserve her I'd say it's time to get into therapy and have someone help you with your issues. You're not in love, you're lonely and depressed, and you think that your ex can fix that. She can't. And she was bad for you in the first place, or you would not have broken up with her, or did you just decide that's a mistake after you see she's moved on? Get some help and figure out where you're coming from as a person, why you felt great about breaking up with someone who was apparently bad for you, and then suddenly decide you want her back out of lonliness, because that's what it sounds like. Sorry. Take care and get some help.
0hpenelope Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 And she was bad for you in the first place, or you would not have broken up with her, or did you just decide that's a mistake after you see she's moved on? Get some help and figure out where you're coming from as a person, why you felt great about breaking up with someone who was apparently bad for you... Preach it, Grace. Since she was that bad for him to justify his decision to break up with her, why does he want her back? Does he actually mean relief when he said "great?" Something doesn't add up and I'm thinking of his ex, too. How much it hurt her to see someone she loved walking away from her. Maybe I shouldn't feel for her at all. She's fine without the OP now.
Author murah989 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond, I was in a very dark place last night... To answer everyones questions in a nutshell. I broke up with my ex four months ago to this day because of just straight up emotional incompatibility. In the year that we were dating, we had become a married couple right out the gate. We never really dated, we just kind of started sleeping in the same bed together and it was extremely intense. Towards the end of the relationship, we both realized that we had nothing in common. Beyond a few similarities in musical tastes, our core differences were much too great. Compounding the fact that both of us are needy like crazy, it just added to the emotional strain. We were both at fault in the relationship, but I felt like the mistakes I made that led to the inevitable breakup could have been remedied if I had just voiced myself...taken the initiative to say " Hey, I'm just not happy anymore". That isn't to say I wasn't happy to some degree. My ex was a lovely woman in every sense of the word...it's just I couldn't take the stupid fighting anymore. When I pulled the plug finally I felt great...The emotional strain was gone and I could move on. I tried to casual date, but nothing felt right....each woman I dated reminded me of my ex...They would call me pet names that my ex would call me and I'd have to cancel the date...I Just couldn't take it. About two months after the break up, my ex and I started talking again. I missed her, and she missed me...but I couldn't go back to the emotional strain, I was just too afraid. During a night of fighting, we ended up sleeping together, thinking that would be the answer to everything...and it certainly wasn't. At first I became attached. I missed the feeling of being close to her, but we had agreed to keep things "casual". Once I had accepted the fact, she became attached. This is when things started to become messy. I ended up meeting a great girl and we went on a few dates, nothing crazy...My ex on the other hand did not like that I was seeing someone while sleeping with her. I eventually realized that I was doing something stupid and broke things off with the other girl...I wasn't exclusive with either, but It still made me feel like I was cheating. When I came clean to my ex about everything, I just couldn't take it anymore. I realized I was in a perpetual spiral of self-hatred, guilt, and remorse, and that the only thing to do was just cut all ties with her forever...and it worked for a time too. I was happy again for awhile. Then the guilt started coming back as well as the pain. I still feel so ****ty about everything that happened between us and everything I did. When I saw her after a 2 month NC, all those feelings came back. All my happy memories and unhappy memories rushed into my head again. I became emotionally strained again without even so much as talking to her...She looked like she was having so much fun, and I was still getting over my guilt and remorse. What was even worse, was that we started running into each other EVERYWHERE... The last time I saw her was at a comedy club. When I saw her it was the first time I had really spoken to her. I started to cry uncontrollably....she seemed concerned for me...so I gave her my new number and a day later ( yesterday) I called her...yet again spilling my guts out. I miss the little things about her, and yes I am very much lonely. and I assume people will bold everything I've written here and flame the hell out of me....but I just don't want to feel this way anymore... We just got off the phone and I'm going over there to talk with her...shes a completely different person now, and I need to get everything off my chest..or I won't be able to move on. I never stopped loving her. Not even for a second...but I just couldn't take the strain of the relationship anymore....I don't want to get back together with her either...I just want everything to go away so I can live my life.
MrCaveman Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm sorry that sounds rough! I'm new here and I don't have any real advise that would be of good service to you, but I feel for you and hang in there! Best Wishes and just try to think through everything from both sides and be completely honest with yourself.
0hpenelope Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm not going to flame you. There wasn't enough details to your tale to really work with other than you felt remorse for what happened. Your initial post also read like you wanted her back when you said "I don't deserve to be with her." Honestly, after reading your more detailed post, it occurred to me that you're having a lot of trouble forgiving yourself for the choices you made and the actions you took and that is a difficult thing to feel. I hope your talk with your ex goes well and you find whatever you need in a conversation with her. As for your ex, it's remarkable how only in four months, people can find change within themselves and reflect them outwards. Perhaps she can be a good role model to you. Only a few of us can be so fortunate. Good luck, man. Let us know how it goes if you're up for it. You might consider meeting with a counselor if you can afford to.
Author murah989 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I'm not going to flame you. There wasn't enough details to your tale to really work with other than you felt remorse for what happened. Your initial post also read like you wanted her back when you said "I don't deserve to be with her." Honestly, after reading your more detailed post, it occurred to me that you're having a lot of trouble forgiving yourself for the choices you made and the actions you took and that is a difficult thing to feel. I hope your talk with your ex goes well and you find whatever you need in a conversation with her. As for your ex, it's remarkable how only in four months, people can find change within themselves and reflect them outwards. Perhaps she can be a good role model to you. Only a few of us can be so fortunate. Good luck, man. Let us know how it goes if you're up for it. You might consider meeting with a counselor if you can afford to. I think that is what the issue is for me. I can't seem to forgive myself. It's not right of me to be this self-centered and presume that all these bad things that happened to her afterwards were my fault. However, I see the changes that shes made over the past couple of months and its scary.... I don't even know why I'm doing this to her and myself. She's a completely different person now, someone who I couldn't even possible think of getting back together with. Yet somehow, shes in my head..that same cute little girl who I met at that Halloween party. I'm confused as to why I want to go meet her at her apartment. What do I have to gain from all of this. I said what I had to say yesterday, and there's really nothing more I could do to make myself feel better other than continuing NC. Why did she invite me over? What could she gain from seeing me?
Graceful Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 When I came clean to my ex about everything, I just couldn't take it anymore. I realized I was in a perpetual spiral of self-hatred, guilt, and remorse, and that the only thing to do was just cut all ties with her forever...and it worked for a time too. I was happy again for awhile. Then the guilt started coming back as well as the pain. I still feel so ****ty about everything that happened between us and everything I did.The last time I saw her was at a comedy club. When I saw her it was the first time I had really spoken to her. I started to cry uncontrollably....she seemed concerned for me...so I gave her my new number and a day later ( yesterday) I called her...yet again spilling my guts out.Not flaming you either. But my advice stands. You need counseling. What's going on for you is only partly due to the breakup. Your depression, self-hatred, ill feelings, remorse for the way things were handled, are all easily linked to the breakup, but it is much deeper than that. You're being triggered by the breakup, but you have those feelings for other reasons. You moreorless landed in a relationship that you gave no thought to, you just "let it happen", you were complacent with it, it came to a head, and you handled it badly. Your growth was stunted buy this relationship, you didn't grow, you didn't seem to learn anything, all you could do was run from it b/c it was holding you back some how. The "love" you felt was not deep love, it was certainly not the type of love in a r/l that would take you into your future. She is not your "forever" person. I just want everything to go away so I can live my life. Agreed. But nothing is going to go away unless you face your issues and otherwise, any progress you make will be impeded by unresolved issues. I don't mean to harsh on you, but you're beating yourself up mercilessly, and your ex is only part of the reason you're hurting. The breakup was the catalyst to set you up for all this pain ... but it's not the sole reason for it. Do you understand me? Please. Get some help. Take care.
Author murah989 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 (edited) To those wishing to hear the conclusion of my story... After talking on the phone, we both felt it was best that we meet in person. It was more for my benefit in closing another chapter of my life. She was over me, and I could tell just by the sound of her voice... I've never been so afraid of someone like I was her when I first walked in the door. Her entire room was in shambles from the night before, smelling of cigarettes and sweat ( I didn't ask why, only learning that the night before she went partying with some of her friends). I knew she was capable of doing some crazy things, but she really was a badass now:laugh:. It was strangely attractive to me, because after knowing her and dating her a whole year, I had always come to believe she was something of a peach with a dark side. She just never let her other side come out unless she was feeling "daring" that day. We spoke about the last two months of NC and what we had been doing with ourselves. Both of us had taken the time to explore our own individualities again. Whether it by my love of music or her love of being "free" ( I was disturbed to find out of her escapades in her home state, but I accepted them begrudgingly). She was definitely a different person, and I was sad to see my old girlfriend disappear. I wanted to see her to explain about all the ****ty things I had done to her. All the emotions which I now understood perfectly. The loneliness, the pain, the suffering; I understood what she had been going through when I pulled the plug. My reason for going over there wasn't forgiveness from her. I wanted to forgive myself. She had found freedom in her own life, and didn't want me to grovel in front her. In her mind, I could never be forgiven, but she wanted to hear me out nonetheless. We spent hours talking. My mind was starting to feel more peaceful as we recounted every beautiful moment in our relationship. Loveshack....we still love each other very much. I can see it in her eyes, in her touch, and the kiss of her lips. I still care about her very deeply...it was for this reason that we spent our last night together, talking about our future and the different paths that we're going to take. The next morning we cuddled and cried with each other. For we knew that once I left her apartment, I was gone for good. We decided that perhaps NC isn't meant for us, rather we should wean each other off. So we've decided to only speak once during the weekends. Our conversation will only consist of a dialog of a few minutes. Our hope is that eventually we will get used to the idea that we are separate now. She has found someone else, and I need to let her go...it really sucks, but I've become a better person. She had improved my life without myself ever knowing it. Through all the fighting we had, I took some value from it all..and it only took the breakup for me to realize that. We are not meant to be a "forever" couple. We were meant to be a catalyst towards changing into a new and better person. I will truly miss her...and my hopes are that one day, she'll just vanish....I couldn't have wished for a more beautiful ending to this story. Thanks loveshack, for all your help and guidance. Edited January 25, 2011 by murah989
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