Anthony74 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Hi fellow LS's, I was hoping you could offer some advice to me, my girlfriend of just over 6 and half years dumped me just before Christmas 2010, it came out of the blue with her saying that she was no longer 'sexually attracted' to me anymore but still loves me, I turned 36 late last year and she's about to turn 24. Back story. We have been together since she was 17 and I was 29, I know how it looks - but it wasn't a case of me lusting after her as she was the one who came onto me, I am the first to admit that on the face of things the age gap at 17 wasn't really acceptable or at the very least looked like I could be taking advantage of her, as such we kept the relationship a secret from both our parents (and in fact everybody we knew) as we wanted to see whether the relationship was going to lead anywhere, and that her parents were predicably very protective of her (especially her father) and we didn't want to deal the her fathers reaction as he is known to turn nasty. Over the next few months we both fell deeply in love with each other, this was the first real relationship both of us had, so it was all new to both of us, after about a month the relationship got physical but due to obvious restrictions of not having anywhere to go we resorted to the back of my car or other inappropriate places. The relationship continued on like up until she dumped me, we eventually stopped having sex in the back of my car as I knew sooner or later we would get caught by someone or even worse the police, she accepted the reasons why I felt like this as the implications for me would have been alot worse than for her, we still kissed and cuddled and were still deeply in love, we both still wanted more physical contact, but the situation dictated what we could do, and until it changed there was little we could do. Every now and again she would justifiably get upset about our situation, but I explained that when her father was less protective as she got older we would come out and tell everyone, and I genuinely meant it aswell as I love her with all my heart and was planning on asking her to marry me, get a place together and have children of our own (we both lived at home during the relationship) and do it all, and in fact she's about the age and now indepenent enough from her father that I wasn't far off suggesting that we tell everyone and officially start our life together. Back to current events.... As mentioned above, around 17-18 December she dropped this bombshell on me - I did not see it coming, for the next week I was in shock and didn't really know what to do, after about a week on Christmas eve I text her in the early hours telling her that I still loved her with all my heart and was extremely sorry for everything that I had put her through for the past 6 and a half years and that I wanted her back forever, she replied saying she was sorry and that she didn't want to hurt me and she wanted to end the relationship, at this point I had a sense of finality about us, she asked if we could remain best friends as thats how she felt the relationship was like, I replied that I could not be friends with her as it would kill me to see her knowing that we were not together and worse still that seeing her eventually with another guy would equally devastate me - she did reply via text at this point that 'there's no one else, and I have never cheated on you ever', I told her I wasn't sure how long I would feel that we couldn't be friends, but it might be 6 months, a year, 5 years even, but until I was over her completely that I didn't/couldn't be friends with her. Over Christmas holdiays I was a complete and utter physical and emotional mess, I couldn't eat, sleep or go a minute of the day without thinking of how I lost her, the best thing that had ever happened to me. Eventually I had to go back to work in early January, something which I was ok with as I knew it would keep my mind occupied a little bit and off the break up, the second week back in work in Janary I saw a mutual friend of ours (who also didn't know we had been together) who mentioned in casual chat that she was talking to 'Louise' (thats not her real name) on Facebook and she mentioned that she had a new man and suspected it was another one of our mutual friends, obviously this was like a knife to my heart, within' minutes I text my now ex to ask if she was infact seeing the boy our other friend suspected, she replied 'yeh, kinda', I felt like my world was turned upside down and destroyed completely, I was in the middle of my working day but I knew I was going to start crying any moment, fortunately my supervisor in work was very understanding and allowed my request to go home straight away, in the end I had to take the entire week off, I was feeling even worse than I did during the Christmas holidays, the thought of me and her not together was killing me on it's own, the thought of her with another guy less than 3 weeks of finishing completely destroyed me, when she told me about the new guy I told her that I couldn't believe she could do such a thing to me in such a short space of time and that I still loved her deeply etc..., she replied saying that she was sorry and she didn't want to hurt me etc... since this point I have gone NC (almost 2 weeks ago). Because of whats happened I have decided to try and remove myself from situations where I would regularly see mutual friends of ours, all of whom don't have a clue (or at the very best - they may have had 'ideas' we were together, but nothing concrete) that we were together and would very likely (and inadvertantly) tell me tell me about my ex being with this other guy (my ex and the new guy have now become public about their relationship so everyone in our circle of friends now knows about them - so at present it's 'gossip' doing the rounds), I feel the last thing I need is mutual friends telling me about the relationship as I know I am nowhere near ready to deal with it without some sort of emotional reaction (either in the friends company, or later on when I am on my own). My ex has since heard about about me removing myself from these situations and on Thursday night she text me asking me if I was leaving 'XYX' society, and then yesterday morning 'Why are you leaving 'XYX' society', both texts I have remained NC, last night she text again saying 'I guess your not talking to me then', again I didn't respond, I feel very bad about not talking to her but I am hoping it's the best thing in the long run. I was and currently still am deeply in love with her and want her back and if we did in the near or distant future I would insist on being public straight away, as I feel this is and the lack of physical contact is what has killed us. That said, I have resigned myself to losing her forever and will have to eventually start moving on, I still feel extremely down and depressed some days (like today), my life now feels like it now has no meaning and consequently I feel completely empty, I have read 'homebrew's' G.I.G.S ("The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome) thread and am in hope that this could apply to my ex, and that one day we can make a fresh start - but I know this is a long shot. In the meantime I am making efforts to improve myself, things like teeth whitening, different hair style, I've lost just over 3 kgs in weight in 3 weeks (primarily due to eating little/nothing) and will be losing another 6-12 kgs in the coming months (was only 69 kg's to start with), will probably update my wardrobe in the coming months and start working out on a weekly basis. To make matters worse, I am also scared stiff about moving on as I suffer with social anxiety, as such I rarely venture out for social events in places like pubs/nightclubs as when I am there I freeze up and end up talking to no one, so if I do have to move on I don't even know how I'm gonna do it, which worries the life out of me as I hate being alone. Apologies for the long read, I just wanted to give you the story in its entirety. If anyone can offer any advice, it would be extremely appreciated.
broken-and-lost Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Hey, really sorry it hasn't worked out for you it's a risk you take when you date someone a lot younger then yourself when things start to go wrong they are more likely to think i'm still young i want to try and start again. But how your feeling about being alone is normal you just need to try and remember life is not over and you can move on it's going to hurt for a long time but try and work on you and healing as everyone talks about on here.... There was 10 years between me and my girl and that's the first thing i thought when she finished it was i'm scared to be alone at 36 but i don't feel like that anymore i still miss her like hell and feel i messed up very badly but trying to be positive and learn from what happened it's never too late to start again good luck fella really hope the healing time is as short as possible for you
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