lenny Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 So ... I've been with this amazing guy for about 6 months now. We have our irritants about each other but I guess at this point in time we don't feel they are big enough issues to make a big deal over or start pulling back from the relationship. I'm beginning to feel maybe we should start working through this stuff so they don't turn into deal breakers in the future (because I really think they will) but am not sure at all how to approach this. My dating history was one mega long relationship that was super disfunctional and a few short ones where I don't think I really got interested enough to stick with. Both this new guy and myself are really trying hard to make us work but I don't know if I've learnt the skills to handle these issues I'm going to guess that his biggest issue with me is a male friend of mine. I totally understand his feelings on this ... we dated 10 years ago and since then if we are dating other people we are each other's sounding boards and if we are both single, we get into a friends with benefits scenario. This guy has really had my back numerous times and I am reluctant to sever the friendship. I have encouraged my new guy to get to know this ex and have not hidden my friendship but the new guy is refusing. His opinion is it doesn't matter if he likes the guy and gets to be great friends with him, he knows going in that if we're fighting and I make a booty call to this guy he'll cheat with me in a second. I know it really bothers him that I am friends with this guy. I'm going to say that my biggest issue with him is he's kind of controlling - but not in a blatent aggressive way, but just subtly. An example of this is he decided to slow down our sex life. He hasn't been with anyone this long in 8 years and our relationship is turning a serious. He wanted to see if we were together because we really liked each other or if we really liked the sex with each other. I didn't know any of this until after the fact though. He just decided to do something with our relationship on his own and over the last month I've been really worried about why our sex life became almost non-existant. This is just a couple examples. I find I'm really ill-equiped to deal with these things and would love some suggestions. I think these issues (an others) could turn big if they aren't dealt with. I've never really believed in "the one" concept but I'm starting to with this guy.
zengirl Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If your friend really were just a friend, I think the BF would be way off base, but since you've had an on-again, off-again FWB situation for nearly a decade, I think you should put some distance between him if you are seriously engaging in a LTR with someone you care about. I'd ask the same of a guy who had a similar set-up with a gal. I wouldn't ask him to block all contact, but definitely limit it. I don't see that as controlling. Now, if he wanted you not to have any male friends, or any contact (even harmless FB contact or something) with exes, or something like that. . . that seems controlling. It sounds like his issue was a communication one with the sex thing. Slowing it down to assess his own feelings seems a bit selfish in some ways, but also sound in others, but he should've communicated with you first. Working on communication is a constant chore of ANY relationship, I think. I'd approach that like, "Hey, if you ever wonder things like that in the future, I'd like you to tell me. I know you probably didn't want to worry me for nothing, but remember, we're a team." And then see if he continued to do things like that, or became a better communicator with time.
Nexus One Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) we dated 10 years ago and since then if we are dating other people we are each other's sounding boards and if we are both single, we get into a friends with benefits scenario. This guy has really had my back numerous times and I am reluctant to sever the friendship. This is how your situation could sound to a/your guy, read it in a really enthusiastic female voice: "Oh hey, have you met X? He's my ex, we dated and we f*ck whenever whenever we're single. We're f*ck buddies. So if both you and I ever get to break up, then THIS is the guy I'll be f*cking, take a good look here, because THIS is HIM right here!" I have encouraged my new guy to get to know this ex and have not hidden my friendship but the new guy is refusing. I know you're trying to be transparent and honest about it and I can appreciate that. But you'd have to admit, this CAN come across as somewhat weird. I'm not saying you should break with that old friend, by no means! But what if you had to choose, what relationship do you value most? This is what I'm guessing your boyfriend thinks about it, he thinks it's weird and he doesn't trust it at all. Shady and suspicious, that's what he'll think I guess. Edited January 22, 2011 by Nexus One
denise_xo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If your friend really were just a friend, I think the BF would be way off base, but since you've had an on-again, off-again FWB situation for nearly a decade, I think you should put some distance between him if you are seriously engaging in a LTR with someone you care about. I'd ask the same of a guy who had a similar set-up with a gal. I wouldn't ask him to block all contact, but definitely limit it. I don't see that as controlling. I agree with this. I think it's quite reasonable that he doesn't want this friend to be a big part of your life. I find the sex issue a bit weird, though. I think it's fine that he's testing out his feelings in that way, but I think he should have communicated it to you rather than taking unilateral action and leave you wondering.
depplover_1980 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Take control in the bedroom and give him a good screwing telling him 'I cannot be caged'!! On the friend issue you need to stop being so naive and imagine how you would feel if he had a woman of similar history?
Nexus One Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) I've never really believed in "the one" concept but I'm starting to with this guy. What bothers me about this situation is also the attitude of your friend. He's a guy, he knows what's up. He knows that if you are thinking about a long term relationship with your boyfriend and that your boyfriend might be the one, then he shouldn't be injecting himself between two lovers. Ok maybe he isn't directly coming between you and your boyfriend physically. But I'm guessing he damn well knows men are territorial regarding this issue. I don't know him, but he might even consciously or subconsciously know that he's f*cking with this situation, but I can't know that for sure. A good friend could for example propose to lay low during your relationship with your boyfriend and if things go sour with your boyfriend you could contact him after a while again, but I'm guessing here your friend didn't propose to lay low out of respect for your relationship. Also you've been f*cking your friend for the past ten years. Your boyfriend could see red flags and hear sirens all over the place. He doesn't trust it. That's a given. Edited January 22, 2011 by Nexus One
Seamless74 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I'm going to guess that his biggest issue with me is a male friend of mine. I totally understand his feelings on this ... we dated 10 years ago and since then if we are dating other people we are each other's sounding boards and if we are both single, we get into a friends with benefits scenario. This guy has really had my back numerous times and I am reluctant to sever the friendship. I have encouraged my new guy to get to know this ex and have not hidden my friendship but the new guy is refusing. His opinion is it doesn't matter if he likes the guy and gets to be great friends with him, he knows going in that if we're fighting and I make a booty call to this guy he'll cheat with me in a second. I know it really bothers him that I am friends with this guy. That is ridiculous I so wish i could have seen the look on his face when you first informed him of this relationship quirk you have lol... I didnt even read far enough into to see what your problem with him is... the above paragraph alone should disqualify you from any serious relationship consideration in my book... definate next situation..
Author lenny Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I have pretty much made up my mind that I am going to have to cut contact with my friend. He won't have any issues with this and already, we hardly have any contact because of this issue. Although my guy hasn't really put his foot down, I know he's not comfortable with any contact at all. I pretty much expected that the comments would lean that way and I think I wanted some confirmation that this is what I was going to have to do. seamless, both of us were totally not looking for a relationship and then we kind of just happened. I was quite happy being single and with the way I had things set up. I realize I may not be the best prize (have more baggage than just this too) but things are what they are. zengirl, I like they way you phrased your comment. I think I'm going to talk to him very soon about making decisions for "us" without my input (this sex thing isn't the only one). I think we are both a little weak on communication but we are really trying to make this work.
forrest Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I have pretty much made up my mind that I am going to have to cut contact with my friend. He won't have any issues with this and already, we hardly have any contact because of this issue. Although my guy hasn't really put his foot down, I know he's not comfortable with any contact at all. I pretty much expected that the comments would lean that way and I think I wanted some confirmation that this is what I was going to have to do. seamless, both of us were totally not looking for a relationship and then we kind of just happened. I was quite happy being single and with the way I had things set up. I realize I may not be the best prize (have more baggage than just this too) but things are what they are. zengirl, I like they way you phrased your comment. I think I'm going to talk to him very soon about making decisions for "us" without my input (this sex thing isn't the only one). I think we are both a little weak on communication but we are really trying to make this work. I agree with what all the other posters said, but want to add some advice as well. When communicating with him, be open to what he says. He might not be the best at communicating how he feels and some of it might come of as an attack. Unless it is really bad, don't take it personal and work on ways on how to resolve the issues.
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