Greg_1963 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Ok here goes. Married 20 years. I've always done the bills in the house - we're struggling like many couples but are making ends meet - even with a kid in college. My wife is not involved in the financial affairs; she admittedly gets very frustrated and "doesn't get it", in her words. I was raised very fiscally responsible by my parents, she wasn't by her parents. So I do the bills. A few months ago one of her friends invited us to her wedding. In Turks and Caicos in November. My wife immediately said we would go. As time went on, the more I found out, the more unhappy I am. Because it turns out that we will have to foot the entire bill of our trip. Flight and hotel alone will be over $2500 - not counting ANY spending money. And this is for the shortest duration possible. This is also not counting buying passports and whatever else you would need. I told my wife this, and she just gave me this look like, "so what are you trying to say?" Unfortunately, this looks like an unrealistic trip. We usually save in advance for vacations, such as Disney (where we didn't spend $2500 for the 4 of us for a week!). We got into it a bit, because I was upset at her for agreeing to this in the first place. There's the likely hood of her having to back out now. She will want to put this on her credit card, but I'm dead set against that. We've already got enough debt piled up and I don't want to add to it. And I'm also foreseeing more debt coming up - we still owe 2k on our daughters tuition this year, which will have to be paid by June. I'll be scraping up for THAT - some of that may wind up on a card temporarily until she (daughter) can help pay some of that down. I really hate conflict and this looks to be a big one. She so totally had her heart set on this - but once I started putting the numbers together, it just simply isn't feasible. Can anyone give me some advice?
denise_xo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Can anyone give me some advice? How about just showing her a simple outline of the numbers, and asking her where she suggests to cut in order to find the money (tuition fees?)? Alternatively, asking her where the money to cover an additional credit card bill is supposed to come from? Or in any other appropriate way: play the ball back in her court. Make her accountable.
carhill Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 'Honey, I'm sorry but we can't afford this right now. Would you like for me to send regrets?' You're the financial manager by agreement. You're the controller in the company, to put it into business terms. You're looking out for the financial best interests of the family. Sometimes, tough decisions have to be made. Is your wife a bridesmaid or serving in any other physical capacity in the wedding? No need IMO to be upset with her. Her natural desire is to be there for her friend on her wedding day. I'm sure you join her in that desire. If it were financially possible, you'd be there. It isn't. Sometimes, that's life. We're all adults.
Art_Critic Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) 'Honey, I'm sorry but we can't afford this right now. Would you like for me to send regrets?' You're the financial manager by agreement. You're the controller in the company, to put it into business terms. You're looking out for the financial best interests of the family. Sometimes, tough decisions have to be made. Is your wife a bridesmaid or serving in any other physical capacity in the wedding? No need IMO to be upset with her. Her natural desire is to be there for her friend on her wedding day. I'm sure you join her in that desire. If it were financially possible, you'd be there. It isn't. Sometimes, that's life. We're all adults. Really good post and balanced with you (the OP) understanding that there isn't a need to be upset at her for wanting to be with her friend.. If your wife chooses to take issue with the reality of your finances then you could ask her for a remedy.. Edited January 22, 2011 by Art_Critic
Author Greg_1963 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 How about just showing her a simple outline of the numbers, and asking her where she suggests to cut in order to find the money (tuition fees?)? Alternatively, asking her where the money to cover an additional credit card bill is supposed to come from? Or in any other appropriate way: play the ball back in her court. Make her accountable. Phew - I was scared to say this to her, but it worked. See below for resolution. You're the financial manager by agreement. You're the controller in the company, to put it into business terms. You're looking out for the financial best interests of the family. Sometimes, tough decisions have to be made. Is your wife a bridesmaid or serving in any other physical capacity in the wedding? No need IMO to be upset with her. Her natural desire is to be there for her friend on her wedding day. I'm sure you join her in that desire. If it were financially possible, you'd be there. It isn't. Sometimes, that's life. We're all adults. This is an excellent point about being the manager by agreement. Never thought of it that way. I do not believe she is a bridesmaid, I'll have to check with her on that. But I did bring up the money issue - she's really doesn't like talking about it, but sometimes you gotta face facts. Told her we just can't charge this. Ain't gonna happen. I *started* showing her some facts, she got freaked and didn't want to hear it. However, she did make some recommendations, such as picking up a few extra hours at work, cutting back on lunches, minor things that can add up. Putting the ball in her court, as denise suggested. Resolution: She will attempt to put away as much as she can for this, whether it being working more hours, getting another job, cutting back on something. Possibly opening a separate account for her eyes only. If she can only manage to save half, well, she tried, and hopefully friend will understand.
denise_xo Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Oh, well done, that doesn't sound too bad (although the 'freaked out and doesn't want to hear' sounds like a bit of work). I hope she gets the $ together.
forrest Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Phew - I was scared to say this to her, but it worked. See below for resolution. This is an excellent point about being the manager by agreement. Never thought of it that way. I do not believe she is a bridesmaid, I'll have to check with her on that. But I did bring up the money issue - she's really doesn't like talking about it, but sometimes you gotta face facts. Told her we just can't charge this. Ain't gonna happen. I *started* showing her some facts, she got freaked and didn't want to hear it. However, she did make some recommendations, such as picking up a few extra hours at work, cutting back on lunches, minor things that can add up. Putting the ball in her court, as denise suggested. Resolution: She will attempt to put away as much as she can for this, whether it being working more hours, getting another job, cutting back on something. Possibly opening a separate account for her eyes only. If she can only manage to save half, well, she tried, and hopefully friend will understand. thats awesome that you got her to see the light. But she really should start being involved with the finances, at the very least know how to take care of herself and the kids if something does happen. Or, you can always call up Suze Orman and see what she has to say on her can you afford it or not segment.
The_Spartan Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Ask your wife to call the Can I Afford It? segment on the Suze Orman show and she will tell your wife "You are denied"
Recommended Posts