Saphira Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I am in a relationship with the man that i plan on marrying. We have been dating for two years and have always been happy. A few days ago he said that he thinks we should slow down because we in college and he does not want me to feel like im on lock down and can not live my life and vise versa. He said he does not want to break up. just slow down. I was confused because we are not really going that fast. We get to see each other maybe once every other week, and we have not been intimate yet. I dont understand how to slow down if were not speeding. Then he said its not so much that as him finding me so early in life. He stated that he never thought he would find the woman he wanted to marry so soon in life. when we started dating we were 17. He said he thought he would be like 24 and bump into an amazing woman and get married. but he has found me now. he said i am the woman that he wants to marry and start a family with, he just has to rapp his head around the fact that he found me so soon in life. should i be worried? or should i let him think things out?
Scottdmw Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 So, when I was that age I was feeling like your boyfriend does. I met a girl when I was 18 and we dated for about two years, and we talked about marriage. I started saying things to her like what your boyfriend is saying to you. In my case we did not get married, but that was possibly because after I said those things my girlfriend basically found another man. She later tried to come back to me but by then I had moved on. Looking back, I think when I said those things I didn't really want to break up. I was worried about making a commitment young. I can't say for certain, but I think that if my girlfriend had simply given me time to figure it out there's a good chance I would have married her. I would suggest you relax and focus on your studies and let him figure out what he wants to do, as long as you are otherwise happy in the relationship. Sometimes men really do feel like they have to have an income before they are ready to get married also. On his side, if I could give him advice I would tell them that it's well and good to have a schedule for your life, but it doesn't always work out that way. If he breaks up with you now and expects to meet someone else a few years, he may or he may not. He might meet someone else at 24, or he might be in his 30s before he ever meets someone else. I would suggest to him that if he has a good thing going he should stick with it. Scott
Author Saphira Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 Thank you Scott, what you said was nice and really helped. We have not broken up, and I am giving him the space he needs. I am very happy with the relationship and do not plan on looking for another man. we both truly believe we will marry each other. We have just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and are doing very well. And i compleatly understand were he is coming from. i had the same feeling i just think i looked at it differently. were he saw it as something coming early and unexpected, i looked at it as a blessing because some people go their entire life without finding someone and i was lucky enough to find my soul mate so early. We have talked and are dong great as i said before. I am sorry to hear about how your relationship ended. Thank you again for your advice.
Author Saphira Posted February 22, 2011 Author Posted February 22, 2011 i dont know if you get on here anymore Scott. but my guy broke up with me two days after valentines day. he said that he cant be with me while he is still working on him. i think it is for the same reasons you had listed. i dont understand why he couldnt let me help him work on it. i feel like, in a relationship, your SO should be the one person you can tell anything to and have help you with anything. anyway he doesnt know if it is permanent or a temporary break up. and i dont know if i should waite or not. i was really ready to spend the rest fo my life with that man. i dont know what to do. i guess it will all come together in due time. wether that means with or without him. i gave him his space and his time when he asked. and still he felt like the break upi needed to happend. idk. thanks Scott
xpaperxcutx Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 i dont know if you get on here anymore Scott. but my guy broke up with me two days after valentines day. he said that he cant be with me while he is still working on him. i think it is for the same reasons you had listed. i dont understand why he couldnt let me help him work on it. i feel like, in a relationship, your SO should be the one person you can tell anything to and have help you with anything. anyway he doesnt know if it is permanent or a temporary break up. and i dont know if i should waite or not. i was really ready to spend the rest fo my life with that man. i dont know what to do. i guess it will all come together in due time. wether that means with or without him. i gave him his space and his time when he asked. and still he felt like the break upi needed to happend. idk. thanks Scott OP I like to add my 2 cents here- Your boyfriend is acting on the impulse that he's not getting his fulfillment in life. An LTR at your age isn't something most people can handle. The ideal of a relationship is there- you're in love with someone who feels vice versa about you- but ultimately, the bigger picture i sof marriage and being " settled", is the most frightening. Your ex's proposal for " slowing down" is just that. Two years equates commitment, but apparently with life being too raw, and him being worldly inexperienced, he feels he cannot just " settle". This may sound harsh, and in fact is quite selfish of him, but in a way he had done you justice by letting you go. If he had been unhappy or " suffocated" by the relationship, by staying with you, he would ultimately have done you a disservice. I'm sorry that you're hurting, but you have to look at the bigger picture- it's also given you the opportunity to grow and discover your own experiences.
Author Saphira Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 yes. i agree with you there. and i thought about all that already. dont worry about sounding harsh. i post on here for comments like this. to be talk to directly and not told what i wantto hear. so i thank you for that. And i understand the whole commentment thing. it just came as a shock because we have always talked about that, so i thought this whole time he already new it was going to be a long term relationship. but maybe that was just talk because we were in a relationship and he didnt wanna say something i may not have wanted to hear? i guess. no way did i want him to stay if it made him unhappy. and i respect his decision. I am happy that we did not end on a bad note. and are trying to be friends. its easier for him but im trying as well. thanks again xpaper.
Author Saphira Posted February 24, 2011 Author Posted February 24, 2011 the sex has nothing to do with it. and i highly doubt he was cheeting on me. we never had sex but i didnt say we didnt do anything. we did other things. (touch, oral). just not sex yet. and it wasnt my idea to wait it was his. he wanted it to be the wright moment. so it wasnt like i wasnt putting out, or willing to put out. he just wanted it to be perfect. and as i said. we did do other stuff. I know him well enough to know he was not cheeting on me.
Els Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Waiiitt. Wasn't it you who posted about always having used condoms and your bf saying, after a while, that he wanted you to use BC as well?
Els Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 You don't even know enough to spell cheating correctly, and you are telling me that you just KNOW he didn't cheat? You are not a psychic, and yes SEX has everything to do with it. Ask any man if he would rather receive blow-jobs the rest of his life, or be able to beat that pussy up...what do you think he is going to say? The only reason he would want it to be perfect is if he was a virgin, and trust me if he was a virgin and you were blowing him, and touching his schlong and he STILL turned down sex...then he is scared. That doesn't mean he would stop talking to you, or fooling around with you, but it would keep him from sleeping with you. However his responses, attitude, and behavior are not indicative of a virgin, it indicates he either suffers from an inability to show intimacy of the highest form (sex), or he is cheating on you. Which do you think is more likely? I am going with cheating, because intimacy problems are apparent even with something as minuscule as sexual touch/kissing. You are also not a psychic, and cannot even seem to fathom that just because you're an asshat, doesn't mean that every guy has to be.
Els Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I wonder if you would say that to my face with a smile? I doubt it. Oh but hey, keep telling me the more likely excuse is that he really was just TOO busy to call in a two week time period. Would a super nice guy like you go two weeks without gushing to the bitch you're in love with? I doubt it. No, actually, I wouldn't. Don't trust you to have the decency not to hit a woman. That aside, I do not know the reason, and it COULD very well be that the OP's bf is cheating. Neither of us is equipped to say for sure. What I do know, however, is that it's difficult to take seriously the advice of someone who makes blanket statements that every guy who isn't having intercourse with his gf will definitely cheat. Nor do your claims of knowing the OP's bf better than her lend you any credibility.
Author Saphira Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 Waiiitt. Wasn't it you who posted about always having used condoms and your bf saying, after a while, that he wanted you to use BC as well? no i did a post about pill/comdum... but both? it was about us getting to the point of being ready. that we were ready to go to the next level but he wanted me to be using the pill as well. we never had sex we were just preparing to. untill he left me anyway.
Author Saphira Posted February 25, 2011 Author Posted February 25, 2011 thank you, Elswyth. and every one else... I cant say that he was or was not cheating. No one can know that unless they caught them or was told so. however i was his friend for 3 years before dating and then we dated for 2 years. I Know him very well, and he is not the type to do that. And he is also not the type to break up over something like sex. We have or had a very great relationship were we could talk about anything, except this last bit. We never had a problem talking about sex so if it was that big of an issue for him he would have said so, and as i said. I was ready for that next level. All im saying is sex was not in issue in OUR case. im sure it is an issue in many, it just wasnt our issue.
Author Saphira Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 There are women who deserved to be hit, trust me. You sound like a rather naive little girl, Asian and anti-social eh? I am equipped to say, because I have a dick. What insight do you have into men? That's right, none. Men cheat, women cheat. You think that isn't a fact of life? Then you haven't lived. Of course it is an issue, you just want to believe it isn't because it makes everything fit into a nice little neat package for you to swallow. Stop lying to yourself, and go read a book. i happen to read all the time. there is no reason to be nasty. just because every man isnt as much of an a**whole as you. dont try to flatter yourself buy makingthem sound as bad as you. Some women need to be hit? really? how naive. women cheat and men do as well. i never have and all i was saying is that i dont think he did. i know him rather well and he isnt the type to do that.
Els Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 thank you, Elswyth. and every one else... I cant say that he was or was not cheating. No one can know that unless they caught them or was told so. however i was his friend for 3 years before dating and then we dated for 2 years. I Know him very well, and he is not the type to do that. And he is also not the type to break up over something like sex. We have or had a very great relationship were we could talk about anything, except this last bit. We never had a problem talking about sex so if it was that big of an issue for him he would have said so, and as i said. I was ready for that next level. All im saying is sex was not in issue in OUR case. im sure it is an issue in many, it just wasnt our issue. I understand. That being said, I do think there is something going on behind the scenes here. Not necessarily cheating, no; anyone with half a brain knows that most decent men don't consider lack of intercourse an excuse to cheat. But people don't just suddenly fall out of love. Perhaps other issues in your relationship that were dragging on, or he wasn't all that committed to begin with?
Author Saphira Posted February 26, 2011 Author Posted February 26, 2011 yes there were some other issues in the end. and i also had the thought that maybe he just fell out of love with me. but i know its not the end of the world. and we are still friends. thanks.
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