Imajerk17 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 So you go out with the guy. Things go well, he seems like a decent guy, but you're not feeling it. He calls you for a second date. --What goes on through your mind? --If you decide no, do you get back to him or just "disappear"? Curious about how this all looks from your end....
tigressA Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If a guy I'm not interested in calls for a second date, I'm honest and tell him I don't see potential between us. It's gone this way only two times for me, though. I do initially feel bad about rejecting a guy after I've gone out on a date with him, but then I think it's for the best because we all should be with someone who really wants to be with us. It's not fun to tell someone you're not interested in them, particularly because you don't know how they'll react. Even if you do it in a diplomatic way, their reaction could be ugly. I suppose that's why so many people decide to just disappear rather than be up-front.
Author Imajerk17 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 If a guy I'm not interested in calls for a second date, I'm honest and tell him I don't see potential between us. It's gone this way only two times for me, though. I do initially feel bad about rejecting a guy after I've gone out on a date with him, but then I think it's for the best because we all should be with someone who really wants to be with us. It's not fun to tell someone you're not interested in them, particularly because you don't know how they'll react. Even if you do it in a diplomatic way, their reaction could be ugly. I suppose that's why so many people decide to just disappear rather than be up-front. Absolutely. Thanks for the insight!
zengirl Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 So you go out with the guy. Things go well, he seems like a decent guy, but you're not feeling it. He calls you for a second date. --What goes on through your mind? --If you decide no, do you get back to him or just "disappear"? Curious about how this all looks from your end.... Personally, I'll usually tell him I'm not interested. When I was younger, I might've written them an email instead because I was afraid it'd be ugly, but I never disappeared. Some people do, though.
Cee Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 The more direct the ask, the more honest the answer. If a man telephones me, I will return the call in a day or so and decline a date. If a man texts me, I will be more vague and act like I'm busy and hope he fades. I know that there are women who won't return a phone call or text. I was raised believing that was inexcusable behavior. I'm very much tempted to do that, but I can't. One of the ironic things is I have no problem shooting down a jerk for a date. And then string along the nice guy with vagueness. I know the humane thing is to be honest, but it pains me to do that sometimes.
mo mo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If a guy I'm not interested in calls for a second date, I'm honest and tell him I don't see potential between us. It's gone this way only two times for me, though. I do initially feel bad about rejecting a guy after I've gone out on a date with him, but then I think it's for the best because we all should be with someone who really wants to be with us. It's not fun to tell someone you're not interested in them, particularly because you don't know how they'll react. Even if you do it in a diplomatic way, their reaction could be ugly. I suppose that's why so many people decide to just disappear rather than be up-front. Ok I hear you. Now let me ask you this: what if the guy like, REALLY impressed you on a first date. He is good looking, charming, is financially secure, and has a bright future. You are thinking that your future isn't as promising. Do you get intimidated? Would you try to push him away because you don't think you are good enough for him, or that he would likely cheat on you/leave you for someone else in the future?
tigressA Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Ok I hear you. Now let me ask you this: what if the guy like, REALLY impressed you on a first date. He is good looking, charming, is financially secure, and has a bright future. You are thinking that your future isn't as promising. Do you get intimidated? Would you try to push him away because you don't think you are good enough for him, or that he would likely cheat on you/leave you for someone else in the future? I've dated a series of guys who fit the description you gave. I'm probably not what they would usually prefer in terms of job/career aspiration and amassing wealth (those two things tie for last place on my list of things I value in life). But I'm always honest about myself and what's important to me, and I don't push the guy away thinking he's too good for me. To do that would be tantamount to admitting I'm ashamed of myself and the way I live my life, which is the furthest thing from the truth.
mo mo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I've dated a series of guys who fit the description you gave. I'm probably not what they would usually prefer in terms of job/career aspiration and amassing wealth (those two things tie for last place on my list of things I value in life). But I'm always honest about myself and what's important to me, and I don't push the guy away thinking he's too good for me. To do that would be tantamount to admitting I'm ashamed of myself and the way I live my life, which is the furthest thing from the truth. Ok fair enough. That's how you are and I respect that. But let's say he isn't all about amassing wealth, he's just a very capable person and those things have all come to him because he is good at what he does. Do you see how that could make someone (not necessarily you) feel uncomfortable?
Gypsy_Soul Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I let them know it's not going to work. I've found that some men can't handle the truth, yet they are the main ones complaining about women ignoring them and never letting them know what's up. I've gotten cursed out many times and have been called many things for being honest.
tigressA Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Ok fair enough. That's how you are and I respect that. But let's say he isn't all about amassing wealth, he's just a very capable person and those things have all come to him because he is good at what he does. Do you see how that could make someone (not necessarily you) feel uncomfortable? I can see how that can make someone uncomfortable, but it seems borne from insecurity about their own life/talents/achievements. Everyone has something they're good at and no one thing is "better" and/or more worthy of praise than another. And I think we've been threadjacking...
mo mo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I can see how that can make someone uncomfortable, but it seems borne from insecurity about their own life/talents/achievements. Everyone has something they're good at and no one thing is "better" and/or more worthy of praise than another. And I think we've been threadjacking... It's not threadjacking because it's kinda related. The thread was a general question about women's policies regarding contacting men after the first date. I'm going to stop being vague and tell my story. I'm the guy in the scenario I described. I am really good at what I do and if everything goes as planned, I have a bright future. I went out on a date last week with a very attractive and charming lady. I took her to a fancy restaurant, we went to a lounge afterwards and I bought drinks, and then I drove her home in my Audi. I thought we really hit it off because we have similar interests, but we are in very different stages of our lives. She hasn't dated anyone in a while because she got out of a serious relationship some time ago and it took a long time to get over. She was unemployed for a good portion of the last year. I don't really care about any of that stuff because she seemed like a really decent person, but I really don't know where she stands right now because she hasn't gotten a hold of me all week. I had been sending her little "how are you doing messages" throughout the week (maybe 3 messages total). The one time she did respond she was pretty nasty, saying she was really busy, long day, etc. I don't really understand what I did to deserve such attitude. I mean, I did take her out somewhere nice last week and showed her a really good time (or at least that's what she was saying last week.. in fact, we ended up staying out much longer than we had planned since we were getting along so well). I'm not exactly crazy about her, she did leave a good impression, but it was only one date. I really don't know why I am in this situation now, and I really don't know if I should bother pushing forward.
daphne Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I generally let a guy know that I don't think we're compatible. I don't like rejecting people, but I keep hearing men complain that they'd rather hear the truth than a girl disappear. I don't know if I believe it though, because some guys can react pretty poorly.
Author Imajerk17 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 mo mo, I'll forgive the thread-jacking, *this time*... I do get the frustration though. You put out money, time and energy, and you'd like to be treated with "courtesy" back, and you aren't getting it from this girl. That's a bummer even if you weren't really into her because we like to generalize. It's easy to take that as a sign of how this one woman treated us, to attractive we are to the opposite sex. Why didn't you just call her a couple days after and say you wanted to see her again? That said, I think you overdid it. The fancy restaurant and the nice car might have come across as a sales pitch, even if you didn't push it. There's an interesting psychological study that showed that people will find something a lot more fulfilling if there isn't an *external reward* given for it. I think you'd be better off if you stopped giving women so many external rewards for hanging out with you. You would have been better off going someplace inexpensive for dinner (you pay) and then go somewhere else for coffee (she pays), and then that way she would have at least felt as if she contributed. (Don't go Dutch though, it feels too much like a business transaction.)
Author Imajerk17 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks for the responses, ladies. I didn't get before this that a reason why women disappear is because they fear getting into a nasty confrontation if they are honest. That seems to be the common thread in your responses.
Author Imajerk17 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I generally let a guy know that I don't think we're compatible. I don't like rejecting people, but I keep hearing men complain that they'd rather hear the truth than a girl disappear. I don't know if I believe it though, because some guys can react pretty poorly. We indeed would rather hear the truth. The good thing is that all you need to do after one date or three is send an email or text. "John, I enjoyed meeting you and had a good time with you, but after thinking about it some more, I don't think we're compatible/I met someone I really connected with. I'm sorry. " If he reacts poorly, well, you don't owe him anything after that.
tigressA Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks for the responses, ladies. I didn't get before this that a reason why women disappear is because they fear getting into a nasty confrontation if they are honest. That seems to be the common thread in your responses. When it comes to not being interested after having gone out on a date I feel the need to be honest and not just disappear--they made the effort to take me out, so I feel I need to make the effort to communicate with them honestly and openly, regardless of the reaction. When it comes to receiving messages, it's a different story. Even if they're very well-crafted, if the guy doesn't spark my interest, I will just ignore them. I've been blasted too many times for saying "Not interested" to bother doing anything else. I find it ridiculous that they'd throw a tantrum over that; it's just a message. I don't owe them anything.
Author Imajerk17 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 mo mo, I'll forgive the thread-jacking, *this time*... I do get the frustration though. You put out money, time and energy, and you'd like to be treated with "courtesy" back, and you aren't getting it from this girl. That's a bummer even if you weren't really into her because we like to generalize. It's easy to take that as a sign of how this one woman treated us, to attractive we are to the opposite sex. Why didn't you just call her a couple days after and say you wanted to see her again? That said, I think you overdid it. The fancy restaurant and the nice car might have come across as a sales pitch, even if you didn't push it. There's an interesting psychological study that showed that people will find something a lot more fulfilling if there isn't an *external reward* given for it. I think you'd be better off if you stopped giving women so many external rewards for hanging out with you. You would have been better off going someplace inexpensive for dinner (you pay) and then go somewhere else for coffee (she pays), and then that way she would have at least felt as if she contributed. (Don't go Dutch though, it feels too much like a business transaction.) I just saw that you also bought her drinks after ($$$). That's even worse. I'd advise you to stop doing that. Next time, plan something fun that is much less expensive than that.
Author Imajerk17 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 When it comes to not being interested after having gone out on a date I feel the need to be honest and not just disappear--they made the effort to take me out, so I feel I need to make the effort to communicate with them honestly and openly, regardless of the reaction. When it comes to receiving messages, it's a different story. Even if they're very well-crafted, if the guy doesn't spark my interest, I will just ignore them. I've been blasted too many times for saying "Not interested" to bother doing anything else. I find it ridiculous that they'd throw a tantrum over that; it's just a message. I don't owe them anything. Really really cool, Tigress. I agree with you on both points.
mo mo Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 mo mo, I'll forgive the thread-jacking, *this time*... I do get the frustration though. You put out money, time and energy, and you'd like to be treated with "courtesy" back, and you aren't getting it from this girl. That's a bummer even if you weren't really into her because we like to generalize. It's easy to take that as a sign of how this one woman treated us, to attractive we are to the opposite sex. Why didn't you just call her a couple days after and say you wanted to see her again? That said, I think you overdid it. The fancy restaurant and the nice car might have come across as a sales pitch, even if you didn't push it. There's an interesting psychological study that showed that people will find something a lot more fulfilling if there isn't an *external reward* given for it. I think you'd be better off if you stopped giving women so many external rewards for hanging out with you. You would have been better off going someplace inexpensive for dinner (you pay) and then go somewhere else for coffee (she pays), and then that way she would have at least felt as if she contributed. (Don't go Dutch though, it feels too much like a business transaction.) I didn't overdo it on purpose though. I just went to a restaurant my sister had recommended. I had never been there before, my sister told me it wasn't very expensive. My car is, well, my car. This girl was saying that it was gonna be annoying to take the subway home so i just offered her a ride. I wasn't bragging about what kind of car I have before any of that. In fact, I didn't even tell her what kind of car I have until she actually saw it. So yea, I was very casual about everything, but I think she might have felt she was out of her league after it all went down. That's not necessarily how I feel, but whatever, I know that happens.
mo mo Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I just saw that you also bought her drinks after ($$$). That's even worse. I'd advise you to stop doing that. Next time, plan something fun that is much less expensive than that. She bought the first round, I bought the second. that was it. We went to he other lounge on her recommendation.
mo mo Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 And uhhh.. Imajerk, if the woman fears confronting you about an issue like not thinking you 2 are compatible, then she probably was never worth your time and energy to begin with. Don't feel too bad about that.
TouchedByViolet Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I don't see how your question is online specific. IME, most women who are not interested will first show less interest in communication and then either not respond to an invitation or decline. If pressed they will disappear or say they are not interested.
oaks Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I generally let a guy know that I don't think we're compatible. I don't like rejecting people, but I keep hearing men complain that they'd rather hear the truth than a girl disappear. I don't know if I believe it though, because some guys can react pretty poorly. I'm glad you do this. I'd rather hear something unambiguous to know that there aren't going to be more dates rather than having the woman disappear. If it's only been one date or a handful of dates then there doesn't have a be a detailed breakdown of all my failings and the reasons I'm not suitable, but just to know that "we're not compatible" or "I didn't feel enough chemistry for a relationship" or "you're not really what I'm looking for" or "I don't think we have enough in common to take things further" or "I met someone I like more so I can't see you again" or something like that is (I think) much better than just never hearing back from a woman and having to conclude for myself after some time of no contact that she isn't interested.
bac Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) So you go out with the guy. Things go well, he seems like a decent guy, but you're not feeling it. He calls you for a second date. --What goes on through your mind? --If you decide no, do you get back to him or just "disappear"? Curious about how this all looks from your end.... It is not common to me that the first date's guy is obviously wrong. If I decide to meet him, he probably has some good qualities that I might like. Before I meet him, I look at his pictures and ask him some questions to figure out if there are any chance of chemistry. Because I do the screen before the first date, it is impossible that there is zero chemistry. Therefore, I always have a few more dates with guys to see how it turns out. Also, the second/third date is typically a nice dinner, so, it is a pleasant thing to do. Then, if we do not have right chemistry, he will reject me himself even before the first kiss. To make sure that the dates are pleasant experiences I have a rule that I do not kiss guys on the first three dates. Edited January 23, 2011 by bac
pilotgrove Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks for the responses, ladies. I didn't get before this that a reason why women disappear is because they fear getting into a nasty confrontation if they are honest. That seems to be the common thread in your responses. Or maybe not a nasty confrontation, but he whines. Ooh, I can't stand that. I had to tell a man yesterday on the phone that I was starting to see an ex so didn't want to mislead him. He got all whiny and had to go and then he spent the afternoon texting me about how this always happens to him and he's going to drop his OL profile and such. We only had one frickin date at a coffee shop! I wouldn't have gone out with him any more anyway b/c he looked and sounded totally gay--I don't think he was, but I just got out of a marriage with a gay man and people are already thinking I'm not quite bright for being married to a gay man and then I show up with another one and try to tell everyone that he's not? No thanks, LOL.
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