Jonno_S Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Where do you stand with staying friends with ex GFs/BFs? Do you do it? Does it bother you when he or she does? Why? Let's exclude the relationships with obvious reasons to stay in touch, like kids, being surgically conjoined, etc.
Eeyore79 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I am not in favour of staying friends with exes; it just complicates matters and causes jealousy in new relationships. I wouldn't like my partner being friends with an ex; being Facebook friends is acceptable, but actually seeing each other and hanging out is too much. If a guy was hanging out with his ex I'd consider it to be a deal breaker. It would be totally out of order if he expected me to be friends with her too - how could I ever be friends with someone who has had sex with my boyfriend? It avoids jealousy all round if exes simply cut contact.
EricaH329 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I have, in the past, been friends with ex's. The only reason i'm currently not friends with any of them, is because I realized they just aren't the type of people that I care to have in my life. However, when I was in a relationship with a guy, I would cut off all communication with my ex's. Out of respect for my boyfriend at the time. And I would expect the same in return.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 I tend to agree with you both. I was with a girl recently who first hung out with an ex (they organized a party together, and I was there) and then got a call from an ex - both of whom she described at some level as her "soul mate." I felt weird and even resentful but I also wondered if I was being unnecessarily sensitive. I don't stay in touch with exes out of respect for my future/current GF and also out of respect for their significant other...She did not seem to appreciate my point of view.
denise_xo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Where do you stand with staying friends with ex GFs/BFs? Do you do it? Does it bother you when he or she does? Why? Let's exclude the relationships with obvious reasons to stay in touch, like kids, being surgically conjoined, etc. In my previous relationship, my then bf made music with his ex, and we regularly spent time with her and her (by then not very) new partner. In that context I felt completely comfortable with it because it was so obvious that there was no longer any trace of romanticism between them. Him and me were happy and she was happy with her partner. I stayed in touch for several years with my ex, doing things like wishing each other happy birthday or exchanging brief updates on our lives. I was happy to hear his news and to know he was doing well. I had no interest whatsoever to get back together with him. I would be completely fine with having a partner who does the same with his ex. I'm not into the 'you have to cut all contact out of respect for your new partner' line, it reeks of lack of trust to me. Obviously, if they want to hang out four times a week or something, that's a red flag.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 ...it reeks of lack of trust to me. I would just have to say that I am very trusting person in relationships. I dislike it for reasons other than trust.
EricaH329 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I'm not into the 'you have to cut all contact out of respect for your new partner' line, it reeks of lack of trust to me. Obviously, if they want to hang out four times a week or something, that's a red flag. It has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with respect. I don't want my future boyfriend to be friends with a past lover. However, in my experience, my boyfriends were either fully a part of their ex's lives (frequent contact) or not at all a part of their lives. I highly doubt I would be upset by them contacting their ex's once in a blue moon.
denise_xo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 It has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with respect. I don't want my future boyfriend to be friends with a past lover. However, in my experience, my boyfriends were either fully a part of their ex's lives (frequent contact) or not at all a part of their lives. I highly doubt I would be upset by them contacting their ex's once in a blue moon. I respect those who want it that way, but for ME it translates as lack of trust and not an issue of respect. I don't think my partner respects me more or less if he has ocassional contact with his ex. But that's an issue of personal preference. There's no right or wrong here, IMO, it's about compatibility.
denise_xo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) I would just have to say that I am very trusting person in relationships. I dislike it for reasons other than trust. Sure - as per my response above I think these are issues of personal preference. I stated how I frame it and what suits me in relationships, but I'm not selling that as a package for everyone to buy. Edited January 22, 2011 by denise_xo
january2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Where do you stand with staying friends with ex GFs/BFs? Do you do it? Does it bother you when he or she does? Why? Let's exclude the relationships with obvious reasons to stay in touch, like kids, being surgically conjoined, etc. I prefer to cut off all contact unless there are ties such as business/financial/children. Having been through too many experiences of exes getting involved in my relationships, I prefer that he does not keep in contact with his exes.
gator12 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I tihnk there are two sides to look at. One, from your point of view, especially if you were good friends with your ex before you started dating and you've gotten to a point where you're past the relationship then I think it's good to be friends with them. My best friend was a serious ex of mine. We didn't talk for 6 months after the break up but then eventually we became best friends again. But two, is if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and what his/her views on it are. SO's can get jealous or feel unsecure with you having a close friend that you used to date. Especially if it was a really serious relationship and I mean who can blame them. My point is you do have to take their feelings into consideration. I think it could cause real problems between you and a SO if they're the jealous type. So all in all don't put yourself in a position where you have to choose, but don't sacrifice relationships or friendships without giving them a shot you know.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 So all in all don't put yourself in a position where you have to choose, but don't sacrifice relationships or friendships without giving them a shot you know. Thanks. And as to your last sentence, what does this mean? How does one avoid being in a position where one has to chose? Are you saying to cut off all relationships? If so, then aren't you sacrificing a relationship without giving it a shot? To which relationship are you referring? And shot at what?
Movingthrough Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Reality is, you have to be at a point where you are not attracted to them in that way. Im good friends with an ex but mostly because she has really stuck by me and been mature through out the breakup (it was a while ago). But the flip side of it is, when you see them some feelings come back up, its like the good always comes out (because your not around each other all the time) so feelings kinda float in and out. You really have to have your head straight to do it, and i know that if i met someone today and started dating things could get weird.
Minnie09 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I think it's acceptable to maintain a friendship, if all parties involved agree, and if all parties have the same options. I'm saying this because I used to be in a R where I was definitely NOT "allowed" to keep exes or any male friends in my life, whereas my former partner did exactly that. That was extremely unhealthy, triggered my jealousy (which I had never experienced before), and was nothing but a double standard. He also did it behind my back, so I couldn't bitch about it. He maintained all kinds of contacts with multiple exes, and "platonic" friends. Every time I found out and confronted him, he would get mad, angry and HYPER-defensive. I would have had no problem with it, seriously, if I had had the same rights. Thank God this M is over!
carhill Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Being divorced, my philosophy regarding such matters is 'if we were friends, we'd be married'. Obviously, everyone's circumstances are unique but, IME, the same incompatibilities which doomed the marriage doom a healthy friendship. I think ex'es can be politely disinterested acquaintances and practice that philosophy with my exW. That works. YMMV.
ccnaboy2000 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Well i think friends can work later on down the road after everyone has healed. The strongest love of my life was with a girl that lasted 2 years. Family drama ripped the relationship apart finally. We didnt speak for 3 months, she said she was done didnt want to hear from me again (that happened a couple times during the relationship lol) Well we bumped into each other at a party 3 months later and she was a bit flirty but I was standoffish. 6 more months went by and she started chattin with me, and by that time I had moved on in my heart. I never stay constant friends with my ex's. But I email her about once a year just to see how things are going because I do still care and love her, but in a different way than I had when we were together. I don't want to get back together, but nothing bad came between us at all, just the family drama. She's moved on to another relationship she's been in for over a year, and I have since moved on too. So were cool. Come to think about it, it hs been about a year since I last talked to her. Seems like a good time to drop a line again.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Being divorced, my philosophy regarding such matters is 'if we were friends, we'd be married'. Obviously, everyone's circumstances are unique but, IME, the same incompatibilities which doomed the marriage doom a healthy friendship. I think ex'es can be politely disinterested acquaintances and practice that philosophy with my exW. That works. YMMV. IME - In My Experience? YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary?
Fern Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 My exes behaviour since our split has made it perfectly clear he doesn't have any thought for my feelings. He's done absolutely nothing that leads me to believe he gives a f**k about me, despite everything I did for him while we were together. Consequently I've come to the conclusion that I have zero interest in being friends with someone like that. He's a user through and through. I neither need nor want a friend like that.
Author Jonno_S Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 My exes behaviour since our split has made it perfectly clear he doesn't have any thought for my feelings. He's done absolutely nothing that leads me to believe he gives a f**k about me, despite everything I did for him while we were together. Consequently I've come to the conclusion that I have zero interest in being friends with someone like that. He's a user through and through. I neither need nor want a friend like that. Probably a good decision. I guess I was more wondering about whether people do it with regard to their new SO. I tend to stay away from my exes as a courtesy to my new/prospective SO and also as a courtesy to my exe's new/prospective SO.
gator12 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks. And as to your last sentence, what does this mean? How does one avoid being in a position where one has to chose? Are you saying to cut off all relationships? If so, then aren't you sacrificing a relationship without giving it a shot? To which relationship are you referring? And shot at what? I'm saying if you have a good friendship with an ex, don't sacrifice it for a new relationship that may or may not even last. If your new SO has a problem with you being friends with an ex talk to her about it. Some women are naturally insecure about that, my ex was and after a little bit of talking she actually became friends with my old ex as while while I also dated her. There are ways to get the best of both worlds. But don't sacrifice a friendship just because it makes someone uncomfrotable, if someone loves you they will be okay with it and like my ex could even become friends with them. So I'm referring to giving it a shot at being friends with your ex if that's what you really want, but at the same time dating who you want to date.
carhill Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 IME - In My Experience? YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary? Yep. I guess I was more wondering about whether people do it with regard to their new SO. I tend to stay away from my exes as a courtesy to my new/prospective SO and also as a courtesy to my exe's new/prospective SO. My perspective is a new intimate relationship/marriage is prioritized over all prior intimate relationships/marriages. It is primary. The perspectives of the partners controls. If we agree to have ex'es as 'friends', that. If we agree to keep said ex'es at a distance, that. If we agree to have no contact with ex'es (excepting co-parenting), that. Agreement and communication is critical. It's a team decision. I personally would find a woman who desired/preferred/practiced close and consistent contact with prior intimate partners to be incompatible. Nothing substantive would ever happen. One datapoint.
Rose T Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 This may just be me - but my exes are all exes for a reason. I mean, when a relationship breaks down, someone's expectations get let down, right? Resulting in varying degrees of heartbreak on one or both sides. Maybe they couldn't be bothered to keep the relationship going for some reason. Maybe they cheated. Maybe you realised you couldn't stand their deal-breakers. Even when I've done the dumping I've never asked to remain friends. When I've been dumped, while the sorrow may fade, a kind of disappointment always lingers. Exes are people who haven't kept promises, or who proved unreliable, callous, or selfish, at least in my limited experience. Maybe they just had annoying personality traits. I rate friendship right up there with romantic love as something noble, vital and full of good intentions. So I don't really have good friends who can't keep promises, who are unreliable, selfish etc. Sure, in the friendship group some are more reliable than others, but I have no interest in calling someone a friend who has got very close to me in the past and let me down, or whom I have somehow disappointed. Friendship is a wonderful thing. I've never had it with an ex.
East7 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 First of all I hate the typical "Lets stay friends" line at break-up...It is often a way to ease the dumper's guilt rather than a sincere wish to stay friends. Second, I never believed in friendship with Ex-es and IME it never works! Many relationships start as friendship but when you get intimate it is a one-way road, you can hardly go back. The only exceptions to the rule were some xGF with who I had very short relationships and where not much feelings were involved, even in that case we have very few contacts. On the other side after a LTR and/or a passionate relationship it is really pointless to want to stay friends. Even if we care and keep some fondness for them, there are always memories, jealousies and awkward feelings to stay in contact or hang with exes no matter how open-minded you are.
gator12 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 First of all I hate the typical "Lets stay friends" line at break-up...It is often a way to ease the dumper's guilt rather than a sincere wish to stay friends. Second, I never believed in friendship with Ex-es and IME it never works! Many relationships start as friendship but when you get intimate it is a one-way road, you can hardly go back. The only exceptions to the rule were some xGF with who I had very short relationships and where not much feelings were involved, even in that case we have very few contacts. On the other side after a LTR and/or a passionate relationship it is really pointless to want to stay friends. Even if we care and keep some fondness for them, there are always memories, jealousies and awkward feelings to stay in contact or hang with exes no matter how open-minded you are. Disagree with said statement. My ex was my best fried for 2 years, and we were each other's first loves and dated for 3 which I think qualifies as a serious relationship. We broke up, didn't try to be friends but then a year down the road we became best friends all over again. I think it all depends on the piror friendship and how much value it really had, my ex for example I can't live without. She's an irreplacable friend, but just that, a friend.
Sugarkane Posted February 26, 2011 Posted February 26, 2011 This may just be me - but my exes are all exes for a reason. I mean, when a relationship breaks down, someone's expectations get let down, right? Resulting in varying degrees of heartbreak on one or both sides. Maybe they couldn't be bothered to keep the relationship going for some reason. Maybe they cheated. Maybe you realised you couldn't stand their deal-breakers. Even when I've done the dumping I've never asked to remain friends. When I've been dumped, while the sorrow may fade, a kind of disappointment always lingers. Exes are people who haven't kept promises, or who proved unreliable, callous, or selfish, at least in my limited experience. Maybe they just had annoying personality traits. I rate friendship right up there with romantic love as something noble, vital and full of good intentions. So I don't really have good friends who can't keep promises, who are unreliable, selfish etc. Sure, in the friendship group some are more reliable than others, but I have no interest in calling someone a friend who has got very close to me in the past and let me down, or whom I have somehow disappointed. Friendship is a wonderful thing. I've never had it with an ex. I 100% agree with you.
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